The Weekly Monitor 02.02.07

Posted by Matthew D.S. on 02.02.2007

The End of the Road *snicker*

I COULD say to you all that this was just an April Fool's Joke two months early, but that'd be stretching it a bit.

Okay, this isn't, I repeat




IS NOT




my final edition of TWM.







…quite.


I know this is the second time I've said I'm resigning, but I've yet to do so. Guess I'm like one of those Presidential dictators in one of those poor (as in downtrodden) countries where they appoint themselves President and Supreme God on Earth for Life…




Kinda like this Turkmenistan guy did, but with less bushy eyebrows.


So even if I DO resign (and I swear that time will come, I just don't know when for sure…and maybe I should say ABDICATE instead…sounds more regal) from doing TWM, I'll always be the de jure LORD AND MASTER OF THE WEEKLY MONITOR (sorry Crow, I had to jump on that one since I'm pretty sure you didn't MUAHAHA).


But changes ARE going to happen. I'll be posting this column on Monday's now (no there won't be another one come this Monday, February 5), and there will be guest hosts filling in time-to-time so I can relieve my weary mind of coming up with this kind of comedic gold you're used to from me every single Friday. PSSHH.

I'm weary minded naturally, never mind having to come up with this bullshit!


For now though, keep quote unquote "enjoying" this rubbish. THE NEWS.


Slackers, layabouts, alcoholics and welfare fraud scammers REJOICE! The Senate has voted wholeheartedly to increase the level of minimum wage down yonder there over the next two years, by $2.10 (C$2.47) to $7.25 (2.09644 Kuwaiti Dinars). Whether it will receive final approval (because of the other crap they loaded into the same bill) is yet to be seen. In the meantime, celebrations have begun already!




YeSSsS…I can get paid in Kuwaiti Dinars now???


And of course you ding-dong's know that I don't really think that welfare recipients are all slackers, etc.


But in sad news for YOUR MOTHER…EARTH…yo, calm down G…leading climate scientists from around the world have seemed to finally come to a consensus that global warming is "very likely" (damn doesn't that sound convincing) due to human activities.

The effects are likely to be very damaging, and could include stuffy nose, fever, cough due to cold, all brought about by droughts, floods, etc. all those things you can find in the Book of Revelation. But anywho, these same nerdos have said the effects could last for centuries.

Centuries eh? At least it won't be our problem!




Hynahahaahaahaa…


It seems his Froginess the President of Frogance Jacques Chirac has landed himself square in the frog soup (think that's enough?) after saying in an interview recently that he would not object to Iran having a few nuclear bombs. After stirring the shit for making that comment, the President's office later retracted the remark, saying that it was over-simplified. The Americans were also blamed for making the interview in which he made the comment seem more controversial.

Yup. Goddamn Americans. Not good enough for anything it seems.




'CEPT LIBERATING YOUR ASSES FROM GERMANS TIME AND TIME AGAIN.



See? I love my American cousins a great deal!


In a sign of thawing tensions between China and Japan, the Commies have extended an invitation to the Japanese Crown Prince and Princess to the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. Relations between the countries have been strained over a variety of matters, primarily of a military sort of nature far too complex for this nickel and dime article to delve into.




Pft, you want REAL Olympic games, come to my room baby. THEN we'll really DELVE into things.


Sometimes I think I'm too subtle.


And in yet another sign ("Signs, signs, everywhere a sign" know that song??) of…well…I'll get it…damn…SENILITY…ah…AH the power of the internet and the losers known as BLOGGERS, those in Egypt used their net powers to reveal another example of police brutality, which has been a subject of great dismay and controversy in the land of the Pyramids.




But it looks so funny on YouTube…


And finally in other news, a poor unfortunate mother became the mother of a FOURTEEN POUND CHILD…




A poor unfortunate husband now has a Grand Canyon between her legs to contend with.


(Actually he was conceived by c-section, but that'd not allow for my brilliant joke.)


…which perhaps isn't as dangerous as electrical massage chairs from Japan which have been recalled because of a risk of fire…




I thought my ass being on fire was just normal roids till I saw it started to smoke too.


…and that ain't sexy or CHOOL or any of those good things, unlike the fourth consecutive search by the Russian nuclear firm Rosatom for its Miss Atom competition, with the price being a mink coat!




I won coat but not after my boss dropped his bomb on my face…and neck and…nyet…

UGH.

You sure you want me to keep doing this crap? :P

'Till next next week! See you Monday!