How To Become A Right Wing Pundit

Posted by Dan Labbe on 03.06.2007

So you've always wanted to be a right wing talking head? Here's how you can pull it off.

With Ann Coulter dominating the headlines of late, it got me thinking a little about my life. I mean, what a great gig being a right wing pundit is. I don't know much about her, but what does Ann Coulter do? She shows up on TV and radio shows every now and again, pens a book, utters a slur…considering she's a zombie (Come on. Look at her. Total zombie), that's a lot, but for someone like me who considers himself to be amongst the living, I could totally be a right wing pundit.

And so can you.

Here's how:

1) Convince anyone who will listen to you that the media has a clear liberal bias. If the media reports on a suicide bombing in Iraq, mention that they could have spent that air time reporting on the success of a school or that election that happened not-so-recently.

This serves two purposes. First off, anytime someone criticizes your views, it's not because they have a valid point, it's because they are clearly biased against the right. It also invalidates the media to your viewers, so they'll use you as a definitive source for news. Let the spinning begin!

2) Interview underqualified guests. Then all you have to do is lead them towards contradicting themselves and you'll run them around in circles. College Democrats are the best for this.

3) Speaking of interviewing, boil every question or issue down to yes or no. For example, if you have a guest opposed to the Iraq war, ask the guest if they thought it was a good thing that Saddam Hussein was removed from power. If they start to hedge, demand in the loudest voice possible, "Yes or no! Is it a good thing that Saddam Hussein was removed from power?" Not only are you taking the Iraq war issue out of context, but you're baiting your guest into agreeing with you or sounding like the bad guy. Sean Hannity's a pro at this.

4) Villify everyone with good intentions. If someone's concerned about global warming, they're anit-corporation. If they want universal health care, they're basically Communists. If they support gay marriage, they're contributing to the corroding of America's values. These are vague, abstract ideas that you can twist and manipulate any way you want. Plus, Americans are still scared of Communists.

5) If you're successful, you'll probably be asked to write a book. You're content will basically be a rehash of what you say on your show, but the most important thing is the cover. You'll want to go one of two ways: a close-up of you with a compassionate look on your face or a full shot of you in front of some sort of American landmark. The former shows that you care about the American people. The latter shows you care about the American way of life.

Be sure to put a waving American flag in the background somewhere to seal the deal.

If you can think up a title that either vilifies Democrats or uplifts the middle class. Might I suggest American Warrior?

6) Of course, not everyone will be good enough to make it in punditry, but there is a back door to get in: Find a hot issue and pound it into the ground. Right now it's all about illegal immigration. If you can lead every single show with illegal immigration news, you have yourself a career.

Keep an eye on the headlines and identify the somewhat important but overall relatively insignificant issue that you can call yourself a crusader against. The whole gay marriage thing never really took off, but illegal immigration has been a gold mine. Just remember when you do find the issue: Attack, attack, attack! And yell a little, too.

There you have it. Six easy ways towards punditry stardom. If you have your own suggestions, send them to [e-mail] and I'll put them in next week's column.

Check this column out

I'm relatively new to this site, but I was looking around today and came across this column. The take on the Ann Coulter thing is priceless.

And in a bit of shameless self promotion, check out my column from two weeks ago. You can get to it below.