The Weekly Monitor 03.26.07
Posted by Matthew D.S. on 03.26.2007
You won’t be eating venison for a long time.
So hi there.
Do you like television?
Or what you hoodlums like to refer as "TV?"
Now, if you've read any of this tripe over the past oh, God knows how long, you'll have picked up that I'm rather a strange fellow.
Get out of town you say? Quite.
Whilst doing this lovely piece I get distracted often. Are You Being Served? is one of my many joys, because it is utterly ridiculous and the characters quite unforgettable.
John Inman portrayed one such character, as the overtly gay mother's boy Mr. Humphries. He was "campy" but he had a good heart and was always kind. A great character and a great show.
On the other hand, I've been turning to my collection of, oh, National Socialist themed DVDs, namely Hitler's Henchmen. The narrator has a semi-creepy/snobby voice, excellently suited for such subject matter.
Some people watch flakey TV comedies, sports or reality shows to unwind. I watch Nazi documentaries.
…can you believe I have a woman?
Variety is the spice of life people!!
As is THE NEWS.
THIS STORY BROUGHT TO YOU BY: A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS.
And Irannn….Iran's so far awAaaYyYyyy…I jussStTt rAnn…IraNnn all nightT and DaYyy…
What don't you people listen to music?? ANYWAY! Iran ain't so far away for fifteen British sailors (IN THE NAVY, you can sail the seven seasssssss!!) who were seized by the Iranians, after the latter accused the former of trespassing in Iranian territorial waters. Tony Schnauzer, the Prime Minister CORRECTION Blair, has called the detentions "unjustified and wrong."
Unlike the intelligence leading to the Iraqi invasion, right-o Tony boy??
Tony also called the near utter lack of success of "A Flock of Seagulls," "unjustified and wrong." No Tony, YOU'RE wrong!!
Oh, and what does Bob Geldof have to do with this story? None. None at all. Just shut up and keep reading!! Please? :D
Shock and dismay will STRIKE the readers of this nonsense (that means YOU, turkey) I'm sure as you read this: Bob Woolmer was probably…wait for it…wait for it…wait for it…
murdered.
NO Matlock, nobody's sent for you. Take off ya hoser.*
(*That's Canadianese.)
This story is quite sad though, as the coach of the Pakistan national cricket team, his side lost an embarrassing match in the Cricket World Cup to Ireland (who were likely drunk). Woolmer went to Jamaica for whatever reason (to party?) and was found conked out. Apparently he was strangled.
MIKE TYSON'S PUNCHLINE!!!
Mike Tyson: "Which is appropriate because Pakistan sure did CHOKE. OOohHhHhhh!!"
Little Mac: "Good one Mike!"
But who can blame Pakistan for losing after making a horrible last minute substitution.
I ain't seein' no first base from here.
Wow that joke just went on and on and on…
…like Al Gore testifying before Congress! Al surfaced (unlike his attempt to float on the Dead Sea…now if you are smart you'll get that joke, so I hope you are) before Congress to testify about global warming. He warned the group of thugs that the changes that are occurring will damage the Earth irreparably if action is not taken, and brought letters from 500 000 people demanding change. All those in Congress aren't believers though. Rep. Joe Barton dismissed the science!
I ain't believin' in no climate change. Now let's mine the Moon for blue cheese. And by the way the world is flat. And I believe in vampires. Elvis. And the Knicks.
The Knicks? Now we know he's certifiably idiotic.
So is Robert Mugabe, that's why he's a hopeless leader. But, sadly, our good buddy is now under intense pressure (perhaps Metamucil would help) to resign earlier than he planned, after a measure to stay in office until 2010 failed to garner support from his own party; 2008 is now the planned date for an election.
Mr. Mugabe drowned his sorrows with a microphone shaped ice cream.
Are you sure this is Ben and Jerry's?
Isn't stupidity wonderful???
In Hong Kong, China, Donald Tsang, the favoured candidate of the Commie Party, won re-election (surprise surprise) as head of HK after defeating only one other poor sod, as voted by an election committee.
NOTE: If you are not British, please skip this terrible joke. You will not get it.
Tsang's victory, OR, a meeting with the shadow cabinet. AwWw…BOOOOOOOOOOO.
*high five's myself* Told you so.
And finally (thank gosh) in other news, three thieves in NEW JOSEY knocked over a Victoria's Secret and knicked (i.e. STOLE) about $12 000 in frillies…
I guess you can say the thieves were a bunch of knickers…BOOOOOO….
…which is dreadful, but not so much as a woman in Brazil, who was convicted of murdering and then frying the chopped up parts of her husband…
Man, you can really taste the spleen!
…which still almost pales to a man in Wisconsin (who is only twenty) who was arrested for how shall one say…having intimate relations with a deer that had BOOTED.
Well, all I can do is imitate Homer Simpson and declare: DOE.
STAY CURRENT