The Weekly Monitor 04.16.07

Posted by Matthew D.S. on 04.16.2007

It's your chance to SHINE in the starring role of this festering crap heap! CLICK NOW!

It's your chance to STAR, porcupine.

Yes YOU! *points a finger uncomfortably to your face*

You think you got what it takes to be as asinine as me? As unfunny as me? As spuriously opinionated and condescending as me?

Then this is YOUR moment to shine!

Starting next Monday, if there are suitable contributions, we will be posting, if selected, YOUR top five newsy photographs, with humourous, catchy captions to fill in for your old buddy who is desperately in need of a break, coupled with copious amounts of scotch.

SO! If you're interested, start scouring news websites or whatever other sources you can get your grubby hands on, and find some pics and think up some INGENIOUS captions and you might just find yourself employed by The Times of India! …or not.

Email to: [e-mail] (dirty underscore politics) with the subject: WEEKLY MONITOR PICS (cause if you don't put that, I ain't gonna open it!), and include in your email:

*your name and where you're from;
*the URL's of where you found the photographs from;
*and of course, your captions.

Be witty, be up-to-date, and be BRILLIANT! Good luck, and I hope to hear from all four of you!! NOW GO. DO IT NOW. THE FORCE COMMANDS IT.


…actually I prefer Star Trek but that's for another day.

But the NEWS is for TODAY.

So yes. The NEWS.


Oh Imus. Imus Imus Imus. This story, which only serves to underline how LUDICROUS and FIXATED the United States media is on stories of little practical importance, dominated headlines down south, and unfortunately across the globe. Radio host Don Imus, known for his off-the-cuff remarks, created a shit storm after describing the Rutgers women's basketball team as "nappy headed hoes." You dumb MORON you don't say crap like that, let alone on air. So, after a while, CBS and MSNBC, who broadcasted the aforementioned moron, dumped him.




HEY MA! *points* A racist in a cowboy hat; who would've thunk it?? HYUK.


Aw well that's not fair on MY part, I mean not everyone who wears those hats are racist…





Did I just pull a JR F'NG Ewing reference on all of you!?!?! HELL YEAH.


And now, MATTHEW D.S. PREDICTS: that FOX "NEWS" will hire Mr. Imus in the next year and will be making killer ratings off him. BANK ON IT! (Sorry Edge.)


Elsewhere, Germans, particularly those in the WEHRMACHT – erm, Army – have been embroiled in yet MORE racism allegations, after a video surfaced showing an officer instructing his soldiers to imagine being in the Bronx, and to defend themselves against African Americans by firing at them.

The officer in question told the recruits to curse, and to fire at the imagined hostile group:

"You're in the Bronx, a black van pulls up in front of you and three African-Americans get out and start really insulting your mother... act!."

What the hell is with people!? Good to see the NATO-member, G8 leading, civilized anti-Nazi German Army being trained in such a way.




Yo Momma's So Fat, Inc.: Training Germany's Best Since 1946!


Away from the awful world of racism, to the happy, self-effacing world of romantic heartbreak is where we go next. It would seem that the man one day destined to be king, Prince William of Wales, has ended (or did she?) his long relationship with girlfriend Kate Middleton. Had the two married, and assuming all went as planned, she would have been crowned Queen someday, wife of a King. Now that will never be.



Don't worry baby, I've got a scepter you'd really like…


Oh well tough luck sugar! You might have as bad luck as Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa! Hahahaha!!

Or maybe not! Mr. Correa may win in a referendum question that calls for constitutional reform and changing the electoral system. Critics say this is a ploy by the Prez to increase his hold on the country, whereas he says it will help the poor. Rightt…

Oh and voting in Ecuador is compulsory.




Rafael Correa, unlike that BASTARD Barney: the SMART choice for Children Aged 12 to 48 months!


And in more OUTRAGE news (aren't we angry this week, eh world??) the Government of India has decided to remove a somewhat (and I use that word conservatively) controversial measurement that would have demanded that female civil servants reveal details about their menstrual cycles. Eww. Apparently the government switched course after several mysterious protest posters began appearing around the nation…




Yes, I'm afraid too.


And finally in other news, a veterinarian had a bad day at the office in Taiwan after a Nile crocodile bit his arm off…




And to wash it down I'll think I'll have some Dom Perignon 1965.


…which is dreadful, but not bizarre, like the discovery that the Tyrannosaurus rex, renowned for its terror, is indeed a relative of the modern day chicken…




If it weren't for some horrible comet impact that wiped out the planet, perhaps Jabba might be eating KFT instead…ahahaa…


…erm, okay, and finally, it seems that a car once registered to Pope Benedict XVI, while he was a Cardinal in 1999, failed to meet the reserve price on auction site eBay. Prices rose over US$200 000, but still was not enough. At the Vatican, the Pope was amazed, but expressed his own thoughts.




Holy crap, I, uh, yeah, over here, I'm WAVING, erm yeah I just want my damn car back, kapish??


Are you SURE you want to do my job??? ‘Till next week and YOUR *points rudely again* submissions!!