Story Time with E: The Battle of the Sexes Takes a Tragic Turn Girls Are Killing Us
Posted by Enrique on 05.03.2007
Is there anything Y-chromosome humans can do to become a relevant gender again?
Gentlemen of Generation X and younger it has come to this. We very well could witness the End of Man during our lifetimes. Dudes: we have to start thinking about how to turn this around. We need to put down our beers and video game controllers and take some time to figure this out. WE NEED TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. Yes, I realize that taking things seriously isn't one of our trademarks (although I think that our sense of humor is an endearing quality), but if we ignore this problem any longer it could spell disaster. The first step is admitting that we have a problem.
Those of us who have lived our entire adult lives in the post-feminist era secretly know the truth: women rule over men with an iron fist. The level of cruelty that they make men endure is nearly unspeakable, and the most horrible thing is that they don't even realize how awfully wicked they are. It's just like Bush do you think he has any idea what a criminally irresponsible asshole he is? The question is How long are we going to take this before we fight back? How much more abuse are we willing to withstand? How long before we say "Enough!"
As the Briscoes would say: It's time to man up.
The story so far
In the beginning, there was a woman named Eve, who was created by God from Adam's rib. The first few weeks in the Garden of Eden were a rousing good time for our happy couple, as they nudely frolicked amongst the sundry beauty of God's creation, not a care in the world between them. So of course Eve had to shitcan that paradise by breaking the only rule that God had Don't eat that apple. Nice one, Eve. As punishment, God banished Adam and Eve, even though Adam only ate the apple because Eve told him to and he was just standing by his woman like any decent dude would. Eve was also cursed with That Menstruation Business, and as a bonus, God gave Adam dominion over Eve. Which, when you think about it, is totally fair.
Unfortunately, this little fable set the stage for centuries of subjugation of women in the Christian world. Which, when you think about it, is totally unfair there's no reason to punish all women just because Eve was a dumbass. But if you think the history of the Christian world is bad when it comes to denying the human rights of women, don't ask about Islam. Christ, there's places in the world where women with unmutilated genitals are considered unclean. In 2007. So the point is that the subjugation of women has pretty much been standard practice throughout the history of the monotheistic world. I think we're all men enough to admit that, historically speaking, when viewed through the cold lens of hindsight, we've done our sisters wrong. Fair enough. Our bad.
In America, women weren't even granted the right to vote until 1920, thanks to the 19th Amendment. I think I speak for all American men when I say I'm proud of our progressive brothers of 1920 after all, if women couldn't vote, it must have taken A LOT OF HUMILITY for men to suck it up and vote to let women vote. But they did the right thing, when it would have been easy to band together and keep freezing girls out. Good men.
However, in 2007, after decades of non-discrimination and Lifetime television, I sense that the fair sex is starting to overreach not unlike Adam when he over-dissed Eve, making her work the plow when she was pregnant with Cain and all that. We've been hearing for the last few years that women outnumber men on college campuses; sometimes they represent as much as 55% of enrollment. (That's an estimate. I don't have a research budget yet). Since a bachelor degree means significant earning potential over the course of a lifetime, the writing is on the wall it won't be long before women have the financial wherewithal to DEFEAT MEN ONCE AND FOR ALL. We have to do something before that happens.
What can we do to fight back? The first step is speaking out. April 24 was Equal Pay Day; the day when the National Committee on Pay Equity helpfully reminded us that there's a 20% pay gap between male and female workers in the U.S. You've probably heard this one before. Women have worked long and hard to get this myth over, and it's really quite devious. They look at Bureau of Labor statistics and see that women apparently earn 77 cents on the dollar as compared to men, and they say "Look! We're victims! We're damsels, and we feel distressed!" And of course it appeals to the gallant nature of men to acknowledge this wage unfairness and promise that we'll work to make it better.
"I asked Harvard economist Claudia Goldin if there is sufficient evidence to conclude that women experience systematic pay discrimination. No,' she replied. There are certainly instances of discrimination, she says, but most of the gap is the result of different choices. Other hard-to-measure factors, Goldin thinks, largely account for the remaining gap probably not all, but most of it.'"
Women are likely to choose humanities-related career fields (education, non-profits) more so than men, who are more likely to pursue higher-paying careers such as engineering and IT. This is changing. If you examine Labor Department statistics (look them up yourself, inadequate research budget, yada yada yada), you'll see that the fastest growing careers in the U.S. in 2007 are in allied health: nursing, medical assisting, dental hygiene - careers preferred by women. The truth behind the current pay gap is that women, by and large, have chosen careers that pay less, and women on average work less hours per week than men. But because there are more women in college, training for high-paying jobs, the undeniable truth is that their raw money-grubbing powers will soon surpass those of men. Once that happens, it's only a matter of time before they return the favor for centuries of mistreatment by reducing men to second-class citizens. It starts with laws forcing men to pay child support even when DNA proves they aren't the father, and it just gets worse from there. I'm not being paranoid this is an important issue that needs to be addressed. A malevolent star ascends on the horizon the Dark Sun of Gender Apartheid. As men, we must stand together and oppose the oncoming onslaught.
Now that women have achieved equality and beyond, it's time that men unleashed our Doomsday Weapon WE MUST WITHHOLD SEX. Bwahahahahahaha! Turnabout's fair play, ladies! You think you're the only ones that can play that game!? Guess what? We don't need you anymore. Noted feminist and all around swell gal Naomi Wolf reveals the horrible truth: years of mainstream pornography have made men uninterested in real women. We're so accustomed to Internet Fantasy Babes with absurdly-sized breasts who are ridiculously eager to please that flesh-and-blood women seem quaint by comparison. (Click on the link for Wolf's observations on the pubic grooming habits of women at her gym. It's gold, I assure you.)
Withholding sex from our women may be an extreme measure, but it may be necessary to turn the tide in the Battle of the Sexes. Stay strong, men. I know I can count on you.
STAY CURRENT