The Weekly Monitor 05.07.07
Posted by Matthew D.S. on 05.07.2007
Worth its weight in…you got it baby!
Do you like video games?
I mean really like video games??
…I don't, not really in the slightest.
Long gone are the days spending hours trying to thwart Dragon Warrior on NES; using the PWNER of ALL the NARCISSIST (YES) on SNES' WWF Royal Rumble; or playing as James Bond in the BEST GAME EVERGoldenEye 007 (Silenced PP7 anyone??) for N64.
There is one game I play relentlessly however every once in a while with my friend: 007 Nightfire for PS2, multiplayer mode, where we often attempt to THWART James Bond and his cadre of good-doers (because we play as the bad guys, because they are COOL, e.g. Decepticons, Mumm-Ra, etc.). But we don't face just James Bond…but BOND SPACESUIT.
Straight out of Moonraker comes this IDIOT who can kill you jumping in the MIDDLE OF THE AIR, or immediately after you re-spawn…PSHHH.
*points a finger* EFF YOU BOND SPACESUIT…EFF YOU!
*composes one's self* What's that, you don't give a flying FIG about my ranting? Well, care about THIS!
…no not semi-clad women, but the NEWS.
In a crushing blow to Karl Marx and the likes, the French (ribbit) came out en masse to vote for a new President de la Republique, electing one Nicholas "Don't call me Sarcastic" Sarkozy, defeating the mega uber socialist Ms. S. Royale.
Who's zee man, Madame Biatch?
The defeat was a crushing blow to Commies and pinkos alike across France, and the world.
That's it, I'm outta here. PS Where's the Soviet Union??
And because YOU cretins of mediocrity (cretins of mediocrity = dear reader) care about such RUBBISH….that damn film about an amazing arachnid who is NUCLEAR (Iran is paying attention to this film BELIEVE ME – I CALLED IT HERE FIRST DAMMIT) made a box office throttling $148 million in its first weekend, beating the previous holder, the one about those pirate fellows. I don't see what the hype is all about…
So baby, ever done it on a spider web before?
State political side, (because you need pandering about your own news too!) the Republiwankers held a debate at the Ronald Reagan Library or something or other, with all major candidates (including your friend and mine, John "Don't Make Fun of my Surname" Cox) debating the major issues of the day, from Iraq to abortion, and avoiding any and all mention of the current knucklehead in the White House.
Of course the real topic of the day was, "Who among us is the Whitest?"
South of these yahoos sat Venezuelan colourful person Hugo Chavez, who has set out to nationalize all private oil fields in the nation. Venezuela has huge oil deposits and his move to make them nationalized is seen (by me) as a blow against economic freedom.
This man then inquired if he could nationalize, oh, the WORLD.
Come on people LAUGH AT SUBTLE HUMOUR – this isn't some piece done by the Three Stooges or something for flip's sake.
NYUK NYUK NYUK.
The poor people of Zimbabwe continue to have nothing to laugh about as autocratic dumbo galore Robert Mugshot-gabe warned Catholic bishops that their opposition to him was treading down a, "dangerous path." See?? He's saying it!!
It is a dangerous path!! As dangerous as stubbing one's toe, which I am SO DOING RIGHT NOW AND IT HURTS LIKE A SUMBITCH!
Okay so maybe the Three Stooges ARE writing this. WOOWOWOOWOOO!!
And speaking of STOOGES, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen HARPERIUS won't be happy after hearing that his Conservative Party of Fasc – Conservative Party is in a ready dead heat in the polls with the Liberals, headed by charisma challenged Stephan Dion. What could explain such a collapse in fortune, after the Conservatives held such a large lead??
Clearly Mr. Speaker, I'm a big knob.
And finally in other news, a US photographer organized a photo portraying 18000 people in a Mexico City square, all who were photographed nude…
Because I'd get fired for posting a close-up.
…which is perhaps more appropriate than the actions of a Brazilian man who sought to sell his wife online for $50…
"I sell my wife for reasons I prefer to keep short ... I really need the money."
…and you'll need a damn sight more than 50 beans if you want to purchase the world's largest gold coin produced by us in Canada, weighing over 100 KG and with a face value of over C$1 million (although worth far more)…
Spare some change baby?
Which makes sense, since we Canadians are solid gold. ;)
STAY CURRENT