The Weekly Monitor 05.14.07

Posted by Matthew D.S. on 05.14.2007

As if you have anything else better to do.

Did you remember??

You had better have!


What do you mean you kinda did?

"Kinda" don't cut it around here, Jack!

Couldn't get your lazy ass off the computer (I'm one to talk, psh!) and go out and get some nice chochies?




Erm, or a chocolate themed board game so it doesn't get eaten?


Or some nice flowers?




They technically are flowers (just not nice ones you rotten prick!)


Well whatever you did, I hope you treated Mom well because it's one special day that people should recognize the hard work they do!




Especially if they looked like this.


…not that I find Lois particularly attractive (especially that she's a cartoon figure)…and one shouldn't be buying one's mother gifts based on their attractiveness because that's frankly WAY too Freudian for a piece of claptrap like THIS nickel and dime article…and well frankly I'm just digging myself deeper into a…never mind!!


The NEWS.

I can't frankly really recall what happened this past week…it's all kinda blurry (I had wine tonight so blame that). But I DO know it's Flag Day today (well tomorrow but I write this FOR a Monday so I'll say "today" as if it were Monday although it's not, it's Sunday. Anyway).

So HAPPY FLAG DAY to all my readers.





In Paraguay.


Oh well this happened just recently and I think it's pretty important, as a senior Taleban official in Afghanistan was blown to tiny bits (well okay he wasn't but he's very much to quote Sean Connery, "Dead as Julius Caesar.") Mullah Dadullah (hehe it rhymes!) was a major figure in the fighting and his demise is considered a "serious blow" by NATO forces.




Work with me Dadullah…LOVE THE CAMERA…YEAHHH…come on, LOVE IT DAMN YOU.


Meanwhile DUBYA had his hands full with Her Majesty the Queen of Canada (she really is!...oh and Queen of the United Kingdom too blah blah blah) whom paid a visit over the past week and change. DUBYA was at prime form as he accidentally suggested that the Queen had ruled since the 18th century. You DUMBASS. But she seemed to have a good time, even attending a white tie dinner at the White House.




Prince Phillip was in usual form groping Laura Bush, who appreciated the attention.


The Pope meanwhile was a busy bee, visiting the largest Catholic state in the world, Brazil (I wonder if Blanka was there?), talking about morals, and other Catholic things of a Catholic nature. Large audiences were drawn to his open air masses.




However, unlike Oprah, disappointed audience members did not go home with a brand new Chrysler.


Oh waittttt! Something BIG did happen this week, and that was the resignation (or announced soon-to-be resignation come June) of Tony Blair, who has served as Prime Minister of the UK since 1997. Blair has seen a lot happen during his tenure, from Diana, to 9/11, to Iraq (EW) and to the recent power sharing governmental settlement in Northern Ireland. But we all know Blair has one secret wish and longing for that he will forever remember…and desire.




Oh Bill…because of term limits you left meee…now I'm stuck with an idiot named Bushhyyyyy…


It's okay Tony *sniff* we all miss him.


But someone doesn't seem to miss Mao tse-Tung, as the baldo's picture was vandalized in Tiananmen Square…with FIRE!




The Mona Lisa it ain't. At least she smiles…he just stares at you disapprovingly like a bitchy father who hasn't any beer.


And finally in other news, Germans around…well, Germany, will be alarmed and distressed to discover that the government has refused to fund toupees for the follicley challenged…



Sorry Karl, the Germans can't help you either.


…which is too bad, much like the serving of well, deep fried testicles at a Wisconsin festival…




These people might have a lot of…but not a lot of brains!


…nor did this fellow from China have a lot of brains, who passed himself off as a fake reporter working for a top Chinese newspaper. He allegedly offered to do favours in exchange for bribes, and was sentenced to life in prison.


Ouch. Remind me not to write my column in Asia!!


So dear reader, that wraps up this edition of TWM which is now headed into vacation mode. What does that mean exactly? I'm not sure! But don't expect this crap to pop up for a while (if not longer)…stay tuned. I should be writing the odd Dirty Politics (i.e. not humorous, unless my writing is that bad, it's funny) on Monday but stay tuned for more details.




Come now Avril, it's vacation time…just remove that ridiculous hat (and top while you're at it)












Hynahahhaanahananahaa…