Study Reveals: Founding Fathers Right About Everything

Posted by Greg Allen on 06.05.2007

Exciting new evidence why we can all rest easy knowing every political problem was solved 200 years ago. Greg Allen weighs in with another edition of Paradigm Shift.

Historians at the University of Wisconsin-Madison published a paper yesterday confirming the suspicion, long held by American politicians, that the founders of the United States of America knew everything there is to know about political theory and constitutional engineering.

"It's astounding," said Michael West, a Professor of American History and leader of the research team. "The writers of the constitution formed the most perfect government in the history of man. They never made any mistakes—ever."

The methods of the study were both broad and deep: researchers combed through literally hundreds of quotes by each of the founding fathers. One researcher even read the entire Wikipedia article on Samuel Adams – leading to fascinating insights into a popular brand of beer.

"Separation of powers, checks and balances, the three-fifths compromise, these guys had it all figured out," said West. "The most surprising discovery, though, was that the fathers predicted modern political issues and resolved them far before others had conceived of them. Some have said the Constitution doesn't take into account modern issues like genocide and nuclear war. Our research proves these people hate freedom."

West pointed to Washington's farewell address, which calls for isolationism, and Madison's involvement in the War of 1812 as conclusive evidence of the Founding Father's perfect politicking. "You see, the Father's strategy for war was, ‘Don't get involved if it will make things worse, but do get involved if it will make things better.' The implications for modern politics are obvious."

Likewise, their research demonstrated that the Founders had developed perfect methods for weighing the trade-off between liberty and security. "Thomas Jefferson held that Freedom in all spheres is an inalienable right—except for women and slaves. Similarly, John Adams felt that his political opponents should be jailed. The immeasurably wise conclusion reached by our forefathers was that freedom must be preserved above all else—unless it shouldn't."

The report concluded by offering advice to current leaders: "Since it is now proven beyond a doubt that the Founding Fathers were infallible, the leaders of America should always make sure that their views are consistent with the writings of the founders. Citizens who hear a politician quote any one of the signatories of the constitution should understand that anything that follows is unquestionably correct."


In case your busy being an idiot and didn't notice, the above was satire.

There are many things in American culture so deeply ingrained that people don't even think to challenge them. Worship of the founding fathers is a great example. Somehow, everybody who signed their name next to John Hancock's has become such an ideal of republican government, that Americans hold any quote from those men with extreme reverence.

I think that's all kinds of stupid and, ironically enough, disrespectful to the founding fathers.

You see, as it turns out, the framers of the constitution were big fans of reasoned debate. They liked it so much, they formed a government around it. Yet, 200 years later, people utilize the words of these men in order to choke off debate, quoting the view of a founding father as the de facto truth on any major issue.

This is the part that really bugs me. The fathers disagreed with each other all the time. In fact, plenty of them hated each other's guts, but contemporary politicians and pundits quote the fathers like they all had some universally agreed upon ideological platform that it is our solemn duty to continue to this day (beyond the constitution I mean). For instance, Jefferson wrote that there should be a "wall of separation between church and state." I personally think that to be very much the case, but the fact that Jefferson believed that isn't itself an argument. Things don't become true because the founding fathers said them. But that's exactly how discourse in America treats the men. Jefferson wrote dozens of reasons why separation of church and state is a great idea, but nobody quotes his reasons. Nobody quotes his arguments. They only say that Jefferson felt that way and pretend that Jefferson's feelings are themselves evidence. Of course they're not.

Then there's the fact that plenty of the conclusions founding fathers like Jefferson came to were based on other assumptions that have virtually no relevance today. Some, like his views on flag burning, are as applicable as ever, but others seem foolish in retrospect. For instance, Jefferson envisioned America as a nation of yeoman farmers. Today only a tiny minority of Americans are involved in farming, but many of Jefferson's conclusions were formed around a differently pictured America. Surely one can see his views on farming influenced his views on the various duties and powers of government. It also has a lot to do with this gem quote from him "I sincerely believe... that banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies, and that the principle of spending money to be paid by posterity under the name of funding is but swindling futurity on a large scale."

Banks are but theft by another name? You rarely hear Jefferson quoted saying that, but say (write) it he did, and he was dead wrong. Other founding fathers like Alexander Hamilton (Washington's Secretary of the Treasury, unbelievably influential) felt the exact opposite on the matter, and was absolutely correct. That doesn't change the fact that Alexander Hamilton felt that presidents and senators should be elected for life, which is wrong wrong wrong. Bush is in fantastic health by the way; he could easily live to see one hundred.

So if the founding fathers were wrong on lots of issues, and if lots of their ideas aren't relevant today (does anyone think George Washington saw nuclear missiles coming when he advocated isolationism?), why do people quote the guys in ways that would only make sense if they were infallible?

I wrote the satire because sometimes being ridiculous is the only way to challenge the most entrenched notions of a society. The Founding Fathers were right about a lot of things, and the world is immeasurably better off because of their accomplishments, but that doesn't mean their ideas shouldn't be challenged and debated today as heatedly as they were back when they were alive. If there was one thing that they believed that is still inarguably true today, it's that no one should be excluded from reasoned argument.

Anyway, I've been getting some really good email lately please feel free to click the link below and drop me a line about this or any other political issue.