Story Time with E: I Wish I Was Gay
Posted by Enrique on 09.06.2007
If there’s one lesson we can take from the Larry Craig sex scandal, it’s that homosexuality must be totally awesome. And incidentally, Mitt Romney is an ass.
You may have heard of Idaho Senator Larry Craig. He's just resigned amid the revelation that he pled guilty to soliciting an undercover officer in an airport bathroom. This is the juiciest of all Washington sex scandals, because it involves homosexuality. That David Vitter sex scandal a few months ago was tame by comparison, because it merely involved a married man cheating on his wife with call girls. That's pretty normal – who would fault a married man for having a few flings with some top drawer hookers? All married men should be so lucky. However, this Larry Craig scandal involves seedy gay sex in a public toilet. Now THIS is some shit we can sink our teeth into.
The story so far…
Larry Craig has over 25 years of public service under his belt. He was first elected to the U.S. Congress in 1980, where he hung around for a decade before being elected to the Senate. He's been a U.S. Senator for 16 years, and you never even heard of this guy until last week. In August, Craig pled guilty to a charge of disorderly conduct, stemming from an incident in a Minneapolis airport loo. Do you want to know the details? Because I'd just love to share them with you.
Portrait of a man at wit's end
You really should read the complaint. This is some high end ribaldry. Picture if you will – the life of the undercover "lewd conduct" officer. This is a man whose job is to sit in a toilet stall until another man approaches him for sex. And you thought your job was unforgiving. So this officer, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, is putting in his day at the office when a 60-ish man, later identified as Larry Craig, begins peering into his stall through the door crack. Craig proceeds to occupy the stall next to Karsnia, and begins tapping his foot. Karsnia recognizes this as "a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct." Karsnia taps his own foot, in an apparent effort to lead Craig on. Coquettish bastard. Craig, feeling a delicious rush of confidence, works his foot over and touches Karsnia's foot. (I like to imagine a pop-jazz instrumental playing during this scene.) Craig then swipes his hand, not once, but twice under the divider between the stalls – and this would be his wedding ring hand, for those of you keeping score at home. At this point Karsnia identifies himself as an officer, and escorts a surly Craig to an interview room at the airport police center. When Karsnia asks Craig to identify himself, he whips out his U.S. Senate business card and says – wait for it – "What do you think about that?"
To which Karsnia replied, "I think you're going to be needing some new business cards once this hits the papers, Sen. Toilet Stalker." (No, he didn't really say that.) (But I bet he wishes he had.) (I really wish he had.) (Why am I using parentheses?)
And so Sen. Craig resigned in disgrace last week. He also stepped down from his post as Senate liaison for Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. Romney, being the decent, "values" kind of guy that he is, issued a compassionate statement expressing sympathy for his beleaguered ally. Hahaha, just kidding, he threw Craig under the bus:
Craig, said Mitt Romney, seizing yet another opportunity to stroke social conservatives, "reminds us of Mark Foley and Bill Clinton" and, "frankly, it's disgusting."
Funny, I thought social conservatives were supposed to be all loving thy neighbor and shit. I've had my suspicions about Mitt Romney, based mostly on the weirdo religious cult he belongs to, but here we get a glimpse of what a jagoff he truly is. As of this writing, Romney leads the Iowa polls, and he's widely viewed as the candidate of social conservatives (until Fred Thompson gets in, anyway). But, as a former Massachusetts governor, he's a tough sell for many Red State voters because Massachusetts is the "gay marriage" state. So apparently Romney felt the need to use this Craig incident to burnish his anti-gay cred with the yahoos that he needs to make a run at the nomination. And the sad thing is this is probably a smart play for Romney, since there are a substantial number of GOP voters who honestly think, "Sure, fighting Islamist terrorism is important, but I don't know if I can support a guy who doesn't adequately hate homosexuals the way Jesus would."
Note to "values" voters that oppose gay marriage – You are SUCH tards. When lefties toss out the "racism" charge against conservatives, most of the time it's unjustified. But when they throw out the "homophobia" charge, the lefties are almost always dead on. If you oppose gay marriage in 2007, you are a bigoted troglodyte. And don't try to push that "I'm in favor of civil unions, just not gay marriage" tripe – that's splitting hairs. You don't have to defend the sanctity of marriage by excluding the gays – trust me, God won't mind. In case you hadn't noticed, God doesn't really give a shit about us. God's not going to give you a shiny apple in the afterlife because you voted to ban gay marriage in your state, and He sure as hell ain't going to hold it against you if you treat homosexuals like normal human beings with dignity. Would you kindly stop embarrassing regular conservative/libertarian-ish people like me with your retrograde, moralistic opposition to gay marriage? You're not helping.
But Mitt Romney needs your turnout in Iowa, so like a good politician, he throws some red meat on the grill. Ass. But it's not as if Craig himself hasn't done the same thing – he was a consistent opponent of gay marriage throughout his congressional career. Consider for a moment the tragic humanity of Larry Craig – this is a man who grew up in an era when homosexuality wasn't particularly en vogue. Craig had no choice but to repress his sexual orientation in order to live a normal life. Craig has been living a personal hell for almost his entire life – you'd be inhuman to not feel an ounce of compassion for the poor bastard. Of course, Craig's a hypocrite for not supporting gay marriage, but hypocrisy is a regrettably integral element of human nature. This is a fellow human being at the low point of his life; perhaps we shouldn't be too quick to root in his misery like pigs in slop. Unless we're Mitt Romney.
There's a lesson to be learned from this, and for once, the lesson is obvious – being a gay man must be totally awesome. Maybe I'm naïve, but I had no idea that getting laid could be as simple as a foot tap in a toilet stall. All these years I've been dating women – taking them out, making them laugh, treating them with respect, etc. – with no guarantee of sex. And to hear my married male friends tell it, they have it even worse. You're telling me if I was gay, I could just go into a public restroom and get sucked off RIGHT NOW if I wanted? That's not fair. Think about how efficiently men communicate with each other – it's all pretty much straight to the point. "Dude, could I get a hand job?" "Hell yeah, as long as you give me a back-u-tug." It would be so fucking simple. No mixed signals, no bullshit, and because you're both dudes, the whole thing could be knocked out in 20 minutes or less. That would be brilliant. I wish I was gay.
STAY CURRENT