The Political Mock 5 10.01.07

Posted by Cedric King on 10.01.2007

At least one presidential candidate is blacker than Barack Obama and it's not Alan Keyes. Plus, John Edwards is now receiving political food stamps, Ahmadinejad threw us a curve ball, and a clear cut "In The Pits" was replaced by a more predictable candidate. And by the way, who's running a crappier campaign -- Thompson or McCain?



5. Hillary Blacker Than Obama.
The day after the Republican B-team tried to court the black vote and—well I was slightly swayed. Hillary and Obama made an appearance and tried to out black one another. Obama does have the darker pigment thing going for him, but Hillary is married to Bill Clinton and black people love Bill Clinton. Hillary also decided now was time to unveil her $5,000 for every child's college fund plan. Because unlike Barack Obama, we don't all get fancy pants Columbia educations! Clinton, as you may be aware of, only got into Wellesley. Nothing says "vote for me black middle class" like a white upper class education…and a $5,000 gift certificate to be used at your lesser institution of higher education you choose. Barack fired back by hoping you make it to college and hoping you find some means to pay for it, because his good intentions and inexperience trumps Hillary's campaign promises.

4. O'Reilly Blacker Than Obama.
For some reason last week Bill O'Reilly thought it would be a good idea to use the bastion of democracy that is his morning radio show to point out that all black people aren't gangster rappers. While I personally am a gangster rapper, the vast majority of Negroes (according to the O'Reilly Poll) are upstanding citizens that suffer unjustly from the ten percent of us that live up to his secret fears. I only got to see one episode of The Factor last week, but he had a black guest. I thought it would be funny if he tried to combat the media backlash by trotting out a bunch of his black friends. The week should probably have culminated with him bringing on the Reverend Jesse Jackson and maybe doing a five minute prayer segment with him. Fox News in real life is never as interesting as Fox News in my mind. Much to the chagrin of my evil race baiting friends, I didn't much care that O'Reilly said anything. I don't think O'Reilly thought he was being racist and the criticism won't knock him off the air or change him in any meaningful way. Bill must have really thought that he was doing something beneficial for the black community; I just hope he doesn't try and find us our very own Michelle Malkin because that chick is crazy. I'm also open for offers to become the black Michelle Malkin.

3. It's Not Welfare, It's Workfare!
John Edwards is trying to make sure you understand that he isn't accepting public financing because he needs the money, he's accepting it for you America! Edwards insists that he was able to raise enough money this quarter to continue running a serious losing campaign but the restrictions of a publicly funded campaign make his decision the right one. While other candidates have talked about accepting public money (Obama and McCain) only Edwards has dared accept the monetary handout. Although to be fair, John McCain is looking to accept politi-welfare as well. Both the McCain camp and Edwards camp no doubt want you to know that they're accepting these funds merely as a way of telling you, the American voter, that they are not controlled by interest groups! It's important that you understand this isn't a handout, it's a ladder up to the level of competitiveness other more competent candidates are able to achieve.

In The Pits: United Nations
The United Nations is always in the pits. I wish I could say that this was their worst week and that things will probably pick up, but it really isn't. Most American's are skeptical about the effectiveness of the UN and apparently that skepticism isn't just an American trend. I was shocked in high school when I saw a commercial demanding the United States take back the land the UN is built on, of course now I realize anything can get air time (on Fox News) and everyone hates the UN.

As the address of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad drew closer speculation as to what the guy would say started to build. We all read the play by play of his Columbia speech and America braced itself in the UN that day—prepared for any criticism that it may receive. Oh…never mind, America wasn't represented in the UN for the Ahmadinejad bit. We left an intern though, and for some reason every newscaster had to take time out to belittle her. I just imagined her family watching the speech with pride and then being disappointed to learn that most of America now thought she was worthless. If she reads this…I thought she was cute!

So what did Mahmoud decide to talk about at his highly anticipated meeting? Well, instead of focusing on the United States—he criticized the weak UN. Can you imagine how annoying that must be? To have everyone present to listen to Ahmadinejad talk crap about the United States (whom you don't really like) only to have him take aim at you? They're lucky the world thinks this guy is crazy because the United Nations has no way of doing any of the things Iran went on to demand of them later last week.

The United Nations doesn't work as a world government and that's what a lot of people expect it to do. The UN should be that tool that makes everyone else do what "we" think is right. "We" being whatever country you happen to reside in. The reality of the UN is of course that it's a band aid stretching across the giant axe wound on the Earth that is international relations. So while it'd like to be able to do something to punish the United States for not paying dues or get on Mahmoud's ass for his state's lack of civil rights. It can only act within the sovereignty that members have given up to it, so currently it raises money and tries to help out where it can.

2. Only Losers Wanna Live In The White House...
Due to what Gingrich would attribute to the widespread conspiracy in politics against his ever coming to power and the legality of his move being questionable under McCain-Feingold, Newt Gingrich has decided not to run for President. That's sad because I really was looking forward to putting him in the Poll Position (that sounds dirty—and fun!). Gingrich would go on to say that there were other places America needed him right now and it most certainly is not in the already crowded presidential race. There should be a rule in the Republican primaries barring anyone that can't dominate from entering and splitting the vote any further. It's really starting to feel like the California recall all over again for me. While it would've been fun to watch the guy that couldn't destroy Bill Clinton's presidency go on to fail at destroying Mrs. Clinton's presidency, Gingrich just doesn't have the time or thirty million dollars he'd need to split the vote even further and was simply too proud to seek public funding.

1. Mahmoudinator II: Oration Day.
Early last week the world got to sit down and enjoy the fuming tirade of Iran's very own President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad! While I had neglected to set my alarm the night before—my politi-senses were tingling and I somehow woke up in time to see a George W. Bush speech I wasn't anticipating. In my morning haze I thought the reaction of UN emissaries when the president referred to their countries was rather funny. France did a strange huddle cheer thing, it was a little nerdy. The rest of the day was filled with cable news trying to frame the upcoming speech. CNN tried to erode the credibility of Ahmadinejad, you would've left their broadcast thinking he was just a psycho puppet to the Ayatollah. Fox News built up the crazy factor and you were supposed to leave them fearing World War III. The recurring theme being that the guy is crazy. While my best friend thought the Mahmoudinator was a psycho—his best friend thought the guy was telling the world to leave his country alone. Both of them wondered aloud if that was the only coat he'd brought to wear in America, because I think we've seen it in every picture of him ever. Does my best friend having a best friend cheapen his standing as my best friend?

Poll Position: The GOP Candidate
We nearly got a new candidate in the Poll Position last week, but Newt said he had better things to do. All the second tier candidates were able to cull some points off of a no show from Romnizzle, Giuliani, Thompson and the other guy. Speaking of Thompson, is he even running anymore? He knows he's going to have to do some sort of campaign work to get this nomination right? Mitt Romney popped back into the number one position and Rudy is still struggling to make his debut in the one spot that everyone else projects him to hold. By the way, Alan Keyes is running.

Each week points will be tallied and candidates ranked based on the following criteria.

+10 Points for passing a candidate in national polls.
+5 Points for strong debate showing.
+3 Points for positive national news.
+1 Point for reader vote.

To participate in Poll Position simply drop me an e-mail at [e-mail] with the subject "Poll Position". In the body include your vote and a witty one to three sentence argument as to why they're better than the other options. Everyone is allowed one vote per week so feel free to vote again in the future.

Rankings	Points	Weekly Blurb
	22	Mitt has a dumb name. In other news he and Obama have pulled ahead in Iowa polls according to a Newsweek report. He's also managed to get in the news because of his business success/tax bracket.
	20	Former LA Mayor Rich Riordan is voting for Giuliani, why aren't you? Rudy also got some positive IR press when he made a visit with the Iraqi president, whom some would argue is less important than President Ahmadinejad.
	18	Thompson did a little bit of footwork in Wyoming last week but overall lacked media power. Aside from reports that he'll be competitive funding and vote wise, Thompson doesn't seem to be challenging politically.
	8	While Paul didn't get a bump for his appearance at the debate on African American issues, he and all second tier candidates did get a bump from the "top four" negative press.
	6	Citizen McCain managed to stay relevant last week. He attacked rivals on their foreign policy stances as well as gained attention for his positive outlook on global economy...

Lucky They Have Some Points: Mike Huckabee (5), Sam Brownback (5), Tom Tancredo (5), Duncan Hunter (5), Alan Keyes (5).