The Political Mock 5 10.15.07

Posted by Cedric King on 10.15.2007

The United States thought it was a good time to mess with Turkey, as if it didn't have enough problems with the whole being named Turkey thing going on. Al Gore managed to strike Nobel gold last week and in turn pushed the scientists that did all the "research" for his findings In The Pit! On top of all that, it turns out things may not be getting better for us environmentally anyway--so is all their work in vain? Also, Rudy G is still on top of all things Republican nomination but John McCain is poised to shoot back to the top. Or at least maintain for a few more weeks...



5. What's Eating Turkey?
American voters will be happy to know that Congress made one large leap toward bringing the troops home pissing off Turkey this past week. It was officially declared that what occurred in the Ottoman Empire from 1915 to 1917 to the Armenians was genocide. Turkey was quick to point out that America is the great Satan and only picking on it because it's the "cool" thing to do since Turkey started to show an interest in becoming a member of the European Union. Turkey also insisted that the disappearance of what is considered to be anywhere from a couple hundred thousand to over a million Armenian souls is entirely explainable through emigration data and UFO abduction. Congress would have none of it though and felt it was a necessary step in ending genocide forever. It is believed that with this declaration nearly 100 years after the fact we will further cement our view on genocide and discourage participation in it—forever!

4. Former Presidential Loser Saves Planet!
Former Vice President Alfred Gore hit the headlines this week in recyclable papers across the globe. While most of them were probably tossed in the trash after being used, Al Gore still managed to hoist the Nobel Prize for…umm…best power point presentation? This news served to direct the spotlight glare even harder upon the popular selection for president in 2000 and draw attention to the draft Gore campaign that has been going on as long as these god forsaken campaigns that are still over a year away from drawing to an end. Did you ever think you'd get sick of hearing old white men argue about the world? Even adding an old white woman and a young black guy really hasn't kept this election year from going stale. The last real story of this election year is of course the speculation as to whether or not Nobel Power Point Prize winner Al Gore decides to toss his biodegradable hat into the compost heap.

3. Chronical Reports! America Killing Earth at Alarming Speed!
Here's an interesting tidbit I stumbled upon actually a few moments after learning about Al Gore's triumph. The San Francisco Chronicle ran a report that same day discussing the fact that our nation's waters have been polluted far beyond their legal limits as of late. While most of the world has of course stopped using gas guzzling vehicles, eating meat and being a generally anti-planet person—big business apparently can't get with the program. Activists (read: tree huggers) have reported that the government isn't doing enough to police these large companies and plants (the bad kind, not the earthy stuff) leading to a lot of rule bending and creating a less than healthy environment for the people living in the area as well as those pesky plant workers. While most activist groups would probably rather sewage plants just go away (because really, why do we need a factory to produce sewage anyway) it seems many would also prefer the companies at least abide by the rules laid out by the government if they won't be so helpful as to disappear forever.

In The Pits: Al Gore's Nameless Nerd Friends
This week the entire scientific research crew behind Al Gore spent time In The Pits. It isn't every day that one wins the Nobel Peace Prize; it usually comes with a lot of fanfare and the opportunity to make a big speech where you can accuse the United State government of being discriminatory towards blacks or creating HIV in an effort to destroy all inhabitants of Africa. That wasn't what happened when the wind beneath the wings of Al Gore's environmental movement was awarded the Nobel Prize.

Al Gore sure does steal the thunder out of all that time spent getting pricey degrees and doing countless hours of research. The guy steps in and reads the data aloud and suddenly he's promoted to team captain. While it's true, the research is more or less worthless if you can't get anyone to look at it and it is in their best interest to have this guy tour the world talking about the pending destruction of the earth than to have their data printed out millions of times and simply tossed aside (killing trees and killing their motivation for continuing in their research). The sad thing about the whole Al Gore as a spokesman thing is he's resulted in little really than getting then this Nobel Prize and stealing their face time.

While Gore did use the attention he garnered from the prize to pimp the research and he also pushed all the money he was awarded to furthering research—the world isn't necessarily turning things around. I would say environmentalism is more the hot topic of the moment than anything that is going to result in major change from the American people. I mean Welfare Reform was a battle cry for well over a decade and it could still use a good tune up. Who's to say the environment isn't just the new "it" thing to complain about. And how long can it hold that position anyway with the whole Iraq War, terrorism, and alien invasion trifecta breathing down its neck? I'm sorry Tito to Al Gore's Michael Jackson, this week you're In The Pits…

2. Mormon Making Move for Mayor's Momentum (alliteration is fun)
Camp Romney has taken a unique approach to being the new third string candidate for the Republican Party. During last week's debates Mitt decided to simply ignore Thompson's incoherent ramblings and take part in a verbal bout of wits with former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani. It was a sad day for the Democrats when the GOP candidates stopped playing their positions so conservatively and actually came out swinging at one another. I for one am happy that some of these candidates finally showed signs of life. I couldn't really ask for more than to listen to the two compare empty promises (kinda cynical but I think I was a little too pro-Republican last week for a registered Democrat) with one another—these debates, while no longer catching as much of the spotlight, are really like candy to me. Although the fact that Mittchard is turning up the heat really makes this whole ordeal a bit more viewer friendly.

1. "No end in sight!" Cries Obscure Military Guy...
In other news, some guy that retired awhile back but used to be in a position to have his opinion mean something decided to open his mouth recently. Retired Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez just thought you should know that the end of the Iraq War is nowhere in sight. Sorry to everyone that had the next three to five years in the 411 Politics Pool for when the war in Iraq would officially drone into a satisfying conclusion. It turns out that this guy, military mastermind that he is, thinks we may in fact be quagmire in this little Middle Eastern country for quite a while. Much of Sanchez's fire was saved for the National Security Council; he called for American's to hold their government accountable for what they've done to us in bringing about this unrivaled disaster, horrible failure, tyranny of the proletariat, and a bunch of other nasty things we probably didn't want. It's nice of a former leader to step up and let us know that someone has made a mistake, but don't you think it's a little late guy? I mean, unless you—like the government—thought there was no problem with our plan in Iraq…why didn't you tell us back in 2003 before you took your troops into battle? This is really just kind of the news that we need to hear about before we go off into wars, and no one needs your opinion this far after the fact. The majority of Americans are over it buddy, we're gonna be there awhile, your opinion isn't helping.

Poll Position: The GOP Candidate
A nice active week in the race for the Republican nomination. After all it was a debate week. McCain managed to crawl back into the top 5 while Tancredo and Brownback are preparing to bow out from the campaign all together. We got our first bit of reader feedback from a Ron Pauler and did I mention Fred Thompson actually showed signs of life last week? Exciting!

Each week points will be tallied and candidates ranked based on the following criteria.

+10 Points for passing a candidate in national polls.
+5 Points for strong debate showing.
+3 Points for positive national news.
+1 Point for reader vote.

To participate in Poll Position simply drop me an e-mail at [e-mail] with the subject "Poll Position". In the body include your vote and a witty one to three sentence argument as to why they're better than the other options. Everyone is allowed one vote per week so feel free to vote again in the future.

Rankings	Points	Weekly Blurb
	36	The G-Man had an okay week when he teamed up with Romney--or against Romney or however you'd discuss it. The two dominated the debate last week and managed to look like candidates as opposed to character actors.
	32	After the strong debate showing Mitt released an advertisement highlighting how he's going to be hard on terrorism. Perhaps his record on the subject doesn't allow for much to point to, but it's good that he's addressing his weaknesses...I guess...
	21	Thompson has awoken! Sort of! He took time out of his busy schedule last week to run for president and deem Mitt Romney a flip flopper. It's nice that he's finally decided to try though.
	15	"Ron Paul for the long haul, won't let the bombs fall, and not in the CFR!!!" -Mottsky
	10	McCain knocks Huckabee down a notch this week by winning over an environmentalist endorsement and starting to recreate himself into the anti-spending machine that we loved so long ago. While it's doubtful he'll pull out a win, its far from impossible--he can do it!

Lucky They Have Some Points: Mike Huckabee (8), Tom Tancredo (6), Sam Brownback (6), Duncan Hunter (5), Alan Keyes (5).