The Political Mock 5 10.29.07

Posted by Cedric King on 10.29.2007

Mike Huckabee makes his umpteenth triumphant return to Poll Position, this time let's try and keep John McCain down! Speaking of down, NASA had a rough week and managed to crash land not on the moon--but In The Pit. Of course no column would be complete without some Fox News bashing.



5. To Torture or Not To Torture?
You know what, I watched Rendition last weekend and of all the things they did to that Middle Eastern fella to try and make him tell that information he didn't know—water boarding seemed to be the tamest. Well, if you exclude the just standing there talking to him part of the whole film. While we're at it, I loved the ending, "Hello, Washington Post? I've got an unnamed source with an unsubstantiated claim against the Administration? Your editorial department? GREAT!" Whole story is in the paper the next day (well, it's implied that it takes awhile…but it literally –spoiler— beats gets in the newspaper before the guy can make it home. Were we even supposed to believe they called him to verify that all this stuff happened to him?) Anyway, the movie does a wonderful job at showing how with torture there are two schools of thought. "Oh my God! That's just wrong!" and "I know it's wrong, but if it works once then it's worth it." I also don't buy that there are as many people in Washington against it as you'd believe by turning on a Presidential Debate. I think the best thing about this whole issue is that we got to see Mukasey dance around that question like it was a Saturday night. In reality it was a Tuesday or something. But seriously, Senator Whitehouse? You wish…

4. Kurds? What Kurds?
Iraq has apparently decided to pretend it has control over its borders and allow Turkey to continue attacks on Kurdish rebels near the Turkey-Iraq border. I for one was glad to see Iraq pretend to be totally in control of a situation they had no control of. Although I think that really has been the theme for everything Iraq for the last 5 years anyway. You may remember Turkey from such (alleged) genocides as the Armenians! Well Turkey is hoping you won't think its current targeting of Kurdish rebels and disenfranchisement of Kurds at home is anything more than a political spat. Much like in the United States! When we had our little entanglements with Native Americans! I mean that worked out alright, we didn't kill ALL the Indians. In fact they have a very honored place in our history as well as our casino industry. Why does Turkey even talk? Why do they even try to interact with the rest of the world? They do everything wrong…it's like Turkey is the puberty stricken boy of the…I think I did this "global high school" rant last week…

3. Eyetalian Bashing
Fox did run a special this week. Did you know Rudy Giuliani almost got "whacked" in the 80's? Well if you watch Fox News not only do you know that he almost did, who voted to kill him, who didn't vote to kill him, you listened to some audio tape with a bunch of dead guys on it, talked about how the Mafia has declined, how killing law enforcement is a good way to cause hell to break loose, listen to the partially offensive "how the Mafia is more organized than those OTHER gangs" speech, watched the really offensive and not even newsworthy Godfather/Goodfellas montage that some intern put together with Windows Movie Maker in about ten minutes… Honestly, I don't hate Fox. I just really like the Mafia and care for Rudy Giuliani about as much as I care for the umpteenth Astronaut space walk.

In The Pits: NASA
It was a tough week for NASA. You're probably wondering how things could get any worse for NASA. They really don't capture public interest until they do something wrong. Whether it's messing up conversion ratios and causing explosive deaths and causing American's to use the word "astronaut" and "hero" for the first time in over a decade or losing the space race to China—NASA just doesn't scream headline anymore.

Well, last week NASA was targeted by the Associated Press for their refusal to release research that indicated commercial flying is much more dangerous than we believed. NASA outsourced the footwork to a polling company which then reported that there are nearly twice as many bird hits, near misses and runway hi-jinks than we were previously aware of. (Something that entered my mind when reading this…if they polled all these pilots, and two pilots take part in the same near miss, shouldn't polling both parties in a near miss produce twice as many results than we'd expected? I mean if the FAA only counts one incident and this poll potentially counts the same incident twice…)

NASA managed to attract the wrath of both the media and congressmen eager to make a career out of some sort of national issue that didn't step on the toes of anyone important. And when was the last time someone from NASA went on to become some sort of political force to reckon with? Is John Glenn even alive anymore?!? Sorry NASA, you spent last week In The Pits!

2. Anyone Who Calls it "The 5" Deserves to Watch Their House Burn...
California is on fire! Well, at least are funny talking lesser half. You'd think I'd be a bit more upset as someone that has a best friend at UCSD. Really, I'm just hoping he'll get some time off class to come hang out. You know there's a large group of college students hoping the wind picks up just enough that they don't have to go to class. Not that anyone in San Diego actually GOES to class anyway. If I had to pick the thing about this fire that has annoyed me the most it'd be that the New York Times online headline has been about that fire everyday this week. Is there NOTHING else of note going on in the world? There hasn't even been anything remotely interesting outside of the whole inspiring community pulling together story. Doesn't Michael Jackson have a phone in this area? Who will save Michael Jackson? Who will take this opportunity to burn and loot Michael's house? Fox should do a special on this! We haven't even gotten any controversial "Whites control burn, blacks arson" headlines. Well, there was that piece on how Schwartzenegger and Bush have patched things up because of this whole situation. It's good to see people coming together… I guess… At least FEMA got some flak for their fake news conference.

1. Blackwater Mischief
Condi Rice took on the senate last week as Demos tried to get her to lay the blame for Blackwater and everything bad that has ever happened in the Iraq Wars squarely on Republican shoulders. Rice wouldn't let them have the satisfaction though, as she ducked, dived and dodged the question like her name was Mukasey! The Washington Post reports that Rice, a criminal mastermind, acknowledged a loophole in US law that allowed Blackwater to get away with a lot of the crap they got away with. She also assured the Senate that is currently being filled by House and Senate bill passing. That is, if veto happy G.W. Bush doesn't go all S-CHIP on us and let this Blackwater ballyhoo carry over into Iran. Which would be the second country I said "there's no way we'll go to war with them…" only to have the sensationalist media go ahead and be right again. (Yes, I did think war in Iraq was unlikely…but I was 17!) I stand by that belief…there will not be a war in Iran. We've already got two "wars" going on and a shortage of bodies to fight them! If we go into Iran--I'll admit that the President is stupid and probably evil.

Poll Position: The GOP Candidate
Fox news has carried this Rudy Giuliani was a target of a mafia hit thing on far too long if experts have already dispelled the story. Mitt Romney finally got some credit for narrowing the Republican candidacy into a two man race just as Ron Paul is starting to get a chance in New Hampshire polls. John McCain was doing something else during Woodstock, and it sure as hell wasn't Bill Clinton! But as always, Poll Position hearts Huckabee.

Each week points will be tallied and candidates ranked based on the following criteria.

+10 Points for passing a candidate in national polls.
+5 Points for strong debate showing.
+3 Points for positive national news.
+1 Point for reader vote.

To participate in Poll Position simply drop me an e-mail at [e-mail] with the subject "Poll Position". In the body include your vote and a witty one to three sentence argument as to why they're better than the other options. Everyone is allowed one vote per week so feel free to vote again in the future.

Rankings	Points	Reader Responses
	47	"The man woulda took a bullet from Gotti!" -50 Cent, CT.
	45	"The number two reason why no one cares about Fred Thompson." -Danie, CA.
	25	"You're all just bandwagon politics fans! I'll support Fred Thompson until the bitter end!" -Geremy, Canada.
	21	"Should Ron Paul get elected it will hopefully bring both the country and the Republican Party back from it's sped up decent into a Fascist hell. You know, it's sad that a guy who is pushing for the federal government to follow the rules, that "*** damned piece of paper" called the Constitution, isn't doing better nationally." -Brian McLain, 411Politics.
	17	"Can Barack Obama play the electric guitar? Can McCain lose 100 lbs?" -Gerald, NM.

Lucky They Have Some Points: John McCain (16), Tom Tancredo (8), Duncan Hunter (6), Alan Keyes (6).