The Ugly Un-American 12.12.07: 2007 Year in Quotation Marks (July through December)

Posted by Ray Church on 12.12.2007

Part two of 2007 in review, as told through the dumbest things said this year, featuring Alberto Gonzales, Condoleeza Rice, Bill O'Reilly and just a little talk about aliens.

July

July was all about legal affairs for the White House. First, you had George W. Bush commuting the sentence of Scooter Libby…

I respect the jury's verdict. But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive

I respect your verdict, but it's wrong? That's kind of like saying you respect your wife but your going to hit her again for good luck.

Libby wasn't the only problem for the White House, however, as Karl Rove was called to testify before congress about the dismissal of U.S. attorneys on their watch. Tony Snow, for his part, was called to testify before reporters as to why they wouldn't be appearing as planned.

We have actually made Karl Rove available under conditions where he has to tell the truth. We've made everybody available.

The problem was, of course, that the conditions were that although he had to tell the truth, but he didn't have to do so under oath, it would be behind closed doors and the Congress were not allowed to record the meeting in any way.

Or, as John Stewart put it, a slightly better deal than the Presidents initial offer… "they go fuck themselves."

Alberto Gonzales did not get off so light. He was called before the Senate Judiciary Committee to testify on numerous topics, and he gave many a deep and meaningful response to those questions.

Your honour, your question relates to an ongoing controversy which I am recused from. I'm not going to answer that question… I can't respond to your question…. I can't, I'm not going to answer that question… Sir, I'm not going to answer this question… You know I can't answer that question

We'll check back later in the year to see if Gonzales ever did answer those questions.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney decided to answer some questions himself, namely whether he was part of the Executive Branch.

Well, the job of the Vice President is an interesting one, because you've got a foot in both the executive and the legislative branch. Obviously, I've got an office in the West Wing of the White House, I'm an adviser of the President, I sit as a member of the National Security Council. At the same time, under the Constitution, I have legislative responsibilities. I'm actually paid by the Senate, not by the executive.

He has one foot in the White House, one in the Senate? Boy, that is one wide stance…

Oh, wait. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Dick Cheney wasn't the only legislator facing questions. Senator Ted Stevens, infamous for his "tubes" comment about the Internet last year, was under investigation regarding his home being remodeled by an oil field company, decided he didn't want to answer any questions.

Can you understand English?! That's the only statement I'm going to make.

Yes, I understand English. No, I still don't understand how what he said answered the question.

Chief Justice John Roberts, newly minted to the post, also fell sick in July. It didn't take long before the mentally defective Michael Savage decided there was a deeper conspiracy behind it.

You're telling me there's no possibility of a conspiracy by the Democrats

Well, I guess anything's possible, but at school they taught me to use Ockham's razor; the simplest answer is usually the correct one, so it seems to me the simplest explanation is that John Roberts got sick, and Michael Savage needs to have his mouth stapled shut.

August

August saw the end of the Reign of Error that was Alberto Gonzales. On hearing that Gonzales was on his way out the door, Bush was heard to mutter:

That we live in a time when a talented and honorable person like Alberto Gonzales is impeding from doing important because his good name was dragged through the mud for political reasons

It's a real pity that Mr. Bush never really realized that the political reasons that lead to Alberto Gonzales' good name being dragged through the mud were his political reasons.

Still, Alberto may have been on the way out, but his spirit lived on in the halls of the white house. When asked about a visit paid by Gonzales and Andy Card to the bedside of a sick John Ashcroft, suddenly Dick Cheney hit amnesia.

I don't recall — first of all, I haven't seen the story. And I don't recall that I gave instructions to that effect.

The rest of August seemed to be filled with similar bouts of amnesia and denial. Take this quote from Hillary Clinton.

During Mr. Hsu's many years of active participation in the political process, there has been no question about his integrity or his commitment to playing by the rules, and we have absolutely no reason to call his contributions into question.

Or this quote from Rudy Giuliani:

I was at ground zero as often, if not more, than most of the workers. I was there working with them. I was there guiding things. I was there bringing people there. But I was exposed to exactly the same things they were exposed to. So in that sense, I'm one of them.

Or this quote from Bob Novak.

She was well known in many parts of the town that she worked for the CIA. She had not been a covert agent for some time. She wasn't really an agent ever, of course. She was covert at one time. The subtitle on the cover of the book is "My Life as a Spy." Of course she was never a spy…

And Larry Craig...

I am not gay. I never have been gay

And then there was Mitt Romney, who was asked why his five sons are not serving in Iraq, fighting the war their father supports so much.

One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president.

History now tells us that August was also the time that George W. Bush was informed that there was some new intelligence in the National Intelligence Estimate regarding Iran, namely that it was not pursuing a nuclear weapons program, and hadn't been for four years.

For whatever reason, it didn't stop Bush making this prediction:

Iran's active pursuit of technology that could lead to nuclear weapons threatens to put a region already known for instability and violence under the shadow of a nuclear holocaust... Iran's actions threaten the security of nations everywhere, and the United States is rallying friends and allies to isolate Iran's regime, to impose economic sanctions. We will confront this danger before it is too late.

Still, for unbridled insanity, there's nothing for it but an aged Rock n Roll star living on his guitar skills and masculine image. In this case, it was Ted Nugent stalking the stage, waving around a machine gun and making wild claims about what he was going to do to the Democrats…

Hey Obama, you might want to suck on one of these you punk. Obama, he's a piece of shit and I told him to suck on my machine gun. Hey Hillary, you might want to ride one of these into the sunset you worthless bitch. How about Barbara Boxer, she might want to suck on my machine gun…

"Suck my machine gun". Ted Nugent, I think your Freudian slip is showing.

September

Don't taze me bro

Oh, how could we ever forget? Andrew Meyer got his fifteen minutes in the spotlight, but we tend to forget what made this truly unhinged. This mild mannered protestor, standing up for progressive values and liberal thought, trodden under foot by the fascist police force, was protesting… John Kerry?

Yes, apparently the biggest issue going on in America, with all of the enquiries into illegal wiretapping, the outing of Valerie Plame, the firing of Justice Department Prosecutors, the tacit approval of torture, the false information that got America into Iraq, the apparently false information being used to get America into Iran, the Blackwater Mercenary group and its alleged activities in Iraq, Halliburton and any number of other problems happening in America, apparently Andrew Meyer felt the need to get himself tazed because, he felt, John Kerry didn't stand up for himself in 2004.

Andrew, bro, if you're going to take the 14 Watts and risk being one of the 180 people killed by tasers last year in the United States, do it for a more worthy cause.

Following on from George Bush's praise of Alberto Gonzales in August, a couple of other notable politicians got undue praise in September.

I think he's a terrific leader. I think he's a guy who's made tough and courageous decisions

That would be Tony Snow praising his beloved boss, George W. Bush, on the Daily Show.

Or how about this…

When I think of the attorney general, three words come to mind… discipline, duty and honour

That would be Michael Sullivan, acting director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosive, praising Alberto Gonzales.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the three words that came to Jon Stewarts mind when he thought of Alberto Gonzales…

I don't recall

September was also a time for moments of refreshing honesty. This was Sean Hannity describing his companies role in the immigration debate.

...like on the immigration bill. The fix was in. Everybody agreed to it. They didn't expect a push back. Talk radio got involved, FOX NEWS, the new media all of a sudden people got informed. They started dialing—instilled fear in their politicians and it changed.

Wait a second, Fox News got involved? What did his boss say about the balance of views on Fox News?

But Brit Hume and his team on the nightly news? Yes. They play it absolutely straight!

Not quite.

Bill O'Reilly inadvertently revealed something about his mindset in September.

I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship…

So what was he expecting?

There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea

And after this O'Reilly expressed his surprise that there was not one person with an Afro, not one person speaking in jive, not even one person who used the word "massah" instead of master.

what's really funny is, they never talk to real soldiers. They like to pull these soldiers that come up out of the blue and stuff.

That was a guest on the Rush Limbaugh show explaining how the liberals have a factory somewhere in China, pumping out fake soldiers (probably using lead based paints) so they could present left wing propaganda to the masses.

Now, to be fair, there were a couple of phony soldiers speaking out, but apparently that meant that everyone soldier who spoke out against the Bush Administration was a…

phony soldier

That Rush Limbaugh; he's all class.

We'll come back to him when a real Iraq veteran calls him out on it.

October

OK, so in response to Limbaugh's comments, enter Vote Vet Brian McGough, recipient of the Purple Heart and critic of the Bush Administration. You would think at least he could make his statement without the accusations of phoniness, right?

Well you obviously don't know Rush Limbaugh…

This is such a blatant use of a valiant combat veteran, lying to him about what I said and then strapping those lies to his belt, sending him out via the media...to walk into as many people as he can walk into

Hmm, comparing an Iraq veteran to a suicide bomber…

That man is all class.

I never once attacked this family. I attacked the Democrats for exploiting them. I attacked the Democrats for putting lies into the head of a 12-year-old -- a 12-year-old they send out before microphones and cameras to sit there and say, "I only want health care for the rest of American children like I got, and George Bush is against it." The 12-year-old can't write that garbage!

Yes, that was Rush Limbaugh as well, and much like the Pat Robinson remark in February, it's one that's not so effective without the video. Imagine a grown man pretending to be a 12 year boy, and you get the idea that, in claiming he's not making fun of this boy, he's making fun of this boy.

The boy in question was one Graeme Frost, a boy who had been critically injured in a car crash and rescued through the SCHIP program. He became the spokesman for a proposed expansion of SCHIP, which of course made him a target for the right wing.

One has to wonder that if time and money can be found to remodel a home, send kids to exclusive private schools, purchase commercial property and run your own business... maybe money can be found for other things...maybe Dad should drop his woodworking hobby and get a real job that offers health insurance rather than making people like me (also with 4 kids in a 600sf smaller house and tuition $16,000 less per kid and no commercial property ownership) pay for it in my taxes.

That was blogger icwhatudo, explaining how despicable it was that this boy got his healthcare. The problem, of course, is that icwhatudo didn't know his shit. The private school? A scholarship. The expensive house? Bought in 1990 when the property was rundown. The commercial property? Part of a business that went under in 1999. The Frosts earned a combined income of $45 000 and would have had to pay about $14 400 in insurance.

That didn't stop every right wing commentator picking up on it and attacking the young child.

As Michelle Malkin explained…

If a political party is desperate enough to send a boy to do a man's job, then the boy is fair game…

Or, to rephrase, if you haven't got a real way to attack the message, attack the messenger.

Of course, Michell Malkin was on the receiving end of some hate herself in October.

Michelle Malkin is the most vile, hateful commentator I've ever met in my life… It's good she's in D.C. and I'm in New York… I'd spit on her if I saw her.

Not really a dumb thing to say, but Rivera's comments lead to Malkin boycotting the Bill O'Reilly Show. If only we knew it was that easy before.

And from Michelle Malkin to Ann Coulter, right wing commentators were decidedly bigoted in October.

No, we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say. ... That's what Christianity is. We believe the Old Testament

Maybe Ann Coulter should get herself perfected before she starts perfecting an entire race of people, and maybe while she's at it she should look into the New Testament as well… you know, the one where it talks about "If you see a speck in your neighbour's eye, first remove the mote in your own…"

Ann Coulter wasn't just about offending Jews in October, in fact she went after her own gender…

If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women.

And she was joined by Bernie Goldberg…

"[W]hen women and minorities came into journalism, they pushed the newsroom further and further to the left. Everybody agrees that minorities are overwhelmingly liberal in this country, and so are young women

And he's right, women and minorities are overwhelmingly liberal. Maybe there's a reason for that. The question is, Bernie, what are you going to do about it? Get rid of all the minorities and women?

Wait… Goldberg… isn't that a Jewish name? Aren't Jews a (gulp) minority...

Oh yeah, we're just talking about minorities who disagree with Bernie Goldberg.

While we're on the subject of women and minorities, there was one high profile woman minority who was dead set on proving she could be just as heartless as any white male in the politics game…

"….would remind us it is a war zone and that it is true that sometimes ah.. incidents happen.

That was Condoleeza Rice, explaining how it could be that Blackwater, a military contractor (read: mercenary force) might have been involved with a number of atrocities in Iraq. In doing so, she began to channel Alberto Gonzales…

I can't comment on this specific allegation… I don't know precisely what you are referring to… I can't give you a net assessment on the spot… I'm telling you Mr Chairman that I will get back to you on this question

And speaking of running jokes, Mitt Romney fell prey to a common mistake this year…

Actually, just look at what Osam - Barack Obama said just yesterday. Barack Obama calling on radicals, jihadists of all different types, to come together in Iraq.

You know, the US has already had one president who can't tell his enemy from his countryman. Does it need a second?

November

If you weren't tired of presidential debates by this stage, the Democrats decided to move from a debate format to a situation comedy in November, complete with the whacked out hippy character.

It was an unidentified flying object, okay. It's like, it's unidentified… I saw something

In Dennis Kucinich's defense, I've seen a number of unidentified flying objects myself. I'm pretty sure they were commercial airlines, but they just weren't close enough to get a license plate.

That was the same Democratic Debate that saw Hillary Clinton successfully say… nothing…

I am not in favour of this rush for war, but I am also not in favour of doing nothing… I did not say it should be done, but I certainly recognize why Gov. Spitzer is trying to do it

Hillary Clinton went on to say that, while she didn't agree with Germany's decision to invade Poland during World War II, she understood why they would want to do so, successfully triangulating herself out of any position on anything at all.

It was all roses for Hillary Clinton, however, because when she did finally decide to take a position on something, she fortunately had someone to ask exactly the right question.

As a young person, I am worried about the long term effects of global warming. How does your plan combat climate change?

Not quite Jeff Gannon, but the student handpicked by the Clinton campaign to deliver the question delivered it like a pro... no pun intended.

I can tell you very frankly, I am not aware of any financial interest or position he has with respect to blackwater. It couldn't possibly have affected anything I've done because I don't believe it and when these ugly rumours started recently I specifically asked him. I do not believe it is true that he is a member of the advisory board that you stated…

That was Cookie Krongard, Inspector General of the State Department and the man in charge of investigations into Blackwater's misadventure's in Iraq, discussing the position of his brother Buzzy Krongard, who, it turns out, did sit on the advisory board of Blackwater, and, it turns out, actually had told his brother…

I told him I was going on this board. He claims I didn't tell him, so what can I tell you?

Buzzy, Cookie, Scooter; sometimes I think this politics game is more like the Muppets than anyone would care to admit.

Again, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I am afraid this is producing negative vibes, negative optics.

That was President Pervez Musharraf, our token International moron this year, explaining the real cost of political protests that were taking place in Pakistan, and defending his decision to round up and arrest his political opponents.

But he had nothing on Karl Rove…

One of the untold stories about the war, is why did the United States Congress, the United States Senate vote on the war resolution in the fall of 2002… This administration was opposed to it…

Cue the laugh track.

Pat Robertson pretended to be an expert on religion again, explaining why yoga is evil.

Stretching is fine, but by repeating common yoga mantras, you're actually praying to the Hindu gods Vishnu and Krishna

Really? Then why don't you just not say the mantras then.

Cue the crickets.

Pat Robertson wasn't the only person claiming to be an expert in Christianity in November. Back in January, Bill O'Reilly decided to pick on Howard Dean a little…

everybody's going to remember that Howard Dean didn't know that Job was in the Old Testament

Well, wouldn't you know that that comment would come back to haunt him…

And I'm not trying to convert you to be a Bible-thumper. I'm just saying it's an interesting read. This was written -- what? Five thousand years ago? I mean, this is really interesting.

No, Bill O, you'll never be a bible thumper, but you may want to read the bible before you start talking about it.

December

It's always hard to complete a year in review before it's finished, but even though we're only beginning the month, we seem to have no shortfall of stupidity for the month.

Not clued in by the mistakes of Pat Robertson and Bill O'Reilly, new comer to the view, Sherri Shepard, decided she was an expert in religious history…

Jesus came first (before Greeks and Romans)… I don't think anything predated Christians

She wasn't the only person to dredge through history, however…

In kindergarten, Senator Obama wrote an essay titled "I want to become president"

That was President Clinton launching an attack on Senator Barrack Obama. Rumour has it that she's holding back a report on how he pulled a girls pig tails back in the 3rd grade.

At least she got his name right.

In August, I think it was, Mike McConnell came in and said "we have some new information". He didn't tell me what the information was.

That was George bush revealing that the National Intelligence Estimate would finally be released, and that it would contradict everything that he had said for the past year about Iran, and that they had ceased their nuclear weapons program some four years ago.

Commentators noted that Bush seemed decided non-inquisitive about the news Mike McConnell bore…

I thought he was wonderful to be around… I thought he had just an incredibly inquisitive mind

Care to re-evaluate that statement Ms. Rice?

Still, Bush was not the only person left with egg on his face with the release of the NIE.

Planned CNN documentary: "We were warned: Iran goes nuclear"

I'm not making that up. CNN was forced to "postpone" a two hour documentary planned to play on December the 12th because the entire premise of the documentary was, well… bullshit.

And then, there was Dana Perino, over reacting to Helen Thomas.

Helen, I find it really unfortunate that you use your front row position bestowed upon you by your colleagues to make such statements. This is. It is an honor and a privilege to be in the briefing room, and to suggest that we, at the United States, are killing innocent people is just absurd and very offensive.

Ms. Perino also went on NPR this week and revealed that she has a fairly dodgy study in history, not knowing what happened during the Cuban Missile Crisis, for example. Maybe if she had studied history a bit closer she would have discovered a startling fact about every war…

In war, innocent people die. If you want to be offended by the suggestion, you're in the wrong job.

Bill O'Reilly was also over reacting in December…

If you read the far-left websites, you're a devil worshipper… Satan's running the DailyKos.

Maybe that was what Hugo Chavez smelled last year… the sulfur of the Daily Kos… or maybe just the bullshit of Bill O'Reilly.

And how appropriate but we should end with Bill O'Reilly in one of the most surreal moments in television history… Bill O'Reilly interviews ALF. Don't remember ALF? Back in the 80's he was the lynchpin in a rather cheesy sitcom, a lovable alien puppet forever chasing the household cat.

Suddenly he decided he wanted O'Reilly's job, to which O'Reilly replied.

I annoy people, is that what you want to do?

And I can't help but think how appropriate it would be if ALF did replace O'Reilly… to have O'Reilly replaced by an annoying puppet who can only talk when he's got someone else's hand up his butt…

What an appropriate image to symbolize 2007.

Afterward

My apologies that this will be a review a few weeks short of a year, this year; I'm off on holiday at the end of the week, but I'll be back early in the New Year to post the 2007 Shut the Hell Up Awards for the year.

Have a Merry Christmas, a happy new year and as always…

Kia Kaha