A Modest Proposal

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 06.26.2008

Barack Obama Must Kill and Eat Rev. Wright in Public.

In these uncertain times, it is difficult to know who our real enemies are. Saudi Arabia, where the majority of 9/11 hijackers were from, is considered an ally. Iran, whose greatest crime against the U.S. before the invasion of Iraq was being a catchy Flock of Seagulls tune, is an enemy. France, who gave us the Statue of Liberty, is considered a nuisance. The Swiss have remained in our good graces for far too long based solely on a young child's pudding, but believe me Switzerland; no good can come of your neutrality. You're either with us, or you are against us.


Among our own citizenry, the lines between good and evil, right and wrong, are blurred. America has gone upside-down, left is right, dogs and cats sleeping together, mass hysteria, and it seems as if the problem is unsolvable. After all, with an intact Constitution, we can't just go around arresting people and throwing them in prison with no trial and no hope of a hearing to demonstrate their innocence… lousy 5-4 decisions.

Even Barack Obama, the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party, has come under fire for his alleged Satanic, Socialist, Muslim, Afro-Centric, Communist, Christian, Liberal, White Sox-loving, Anti-Gun, Anti-Jew, Warmonger-peacenik, Racist, Sexist, Marxist beliefs.

Now, Obama has been quick to come up with excuses for many of these rumors, but can you really trust a guy who may or may not have been born in Kenya (but probably was born in Hawaii as his birth certificate says)?

Okay, so maybe some of the right-wing e-mails and bloggers I've been reading are mistaken. I mean, it's possible that Barack Obama wasn't sworn in on the Quran. It's entirely conceivable that he didn't refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance. And, upon reading the Bible more closely, I now see that it doesn't describe a man fitting Barack Obama's description as the anti-Christ. Then again, I probably should have been clued in to the last one when the e-mail said the Book of Revelations described the anti-Christ as a Muslim descendant even though Islam would not be founded for another 400 years, but then I just assumed this was the prophecy's one moment of specificity.

No less a scholar than terrorist expert, former Deputy Director of National Security and CIA covert ops maven Ann Coulter has implied that Barack Obama is part of a sleeper cell who was trained in an Indonesian madrassa to infiltrate and overtake the American government. Now, whether Obama knows this or not might be irrelevant. It could be part of a post-hypnotic suggestion like in the The Manchurian Candidate. Maybe when he sees the Queen of Diamonds, he rushes right out and nukes Lichtenstein. Why Lichtenstein? Well, it can't be Israel. That would be too obvious, and we all know the Muslims are a sneaky bunch. So sneaky, in fact, that they indoctrinated a child born six years before the Arab-Israeli conflict of 1967 on the off chance that America would intervene 30 years later in the first Gulf War and had that man ingratiate himself with the Americans under the name inconspicuous name Barack Hussein Obama. I mean, if he changed his name to something like Bill O'Reilly, that would send up a red flag. Hmm. Now that I think about it: Barack Obama - Bill O'Reilly. Maybe there's a reason Barack refuses to go on his show – they can't be seen in the same place at the same time because they are, in fact, the same person!

But let's say, for the sake of argument, that Barack and Bill are two separate and distinct individuals. Maybe this entire sleeper cell, secret Muslim, pact-with-Africa stuff is nonsense, but, as the lapel button I bought at the Texas GOP convention states: "Where there's a smoke, there's fire." (Oh, I see what they did there.)

Perhaps one of Obama's biggest bugaboos is that he *still* has not sufficiently separated himself from the former pastor of his former Church, Reverend Jeremiah Wright. He's "repudiated." He's "denounced." He's "reprobated." But that's not enough. It certainly won't inoculate him from being criticized by 527 groups in the general election. More importantly, "repudiated," "denounced," "reprobated." These are all confusing words, like "arugula." They won't play in "Middle America" to all the "hard-working Americans." What's more – they're all past tense. What have you done to separate yourself from Wright recently, Senator Obama, if that is your real name?

Oh, sure, Obama recently asked Muslim Keith Ellison not to campaign in Mosques on his behalf and moved two Muslim women out of view during a campaign event. But he later apologized. You can't show that kind of weakness before the enemy. If we start apologizing to our own citizenry, pretty soon, we'll be holding the door open for Ahmadinejad! It's a slippery slope.

I have a plan. You see, I've seen enough spy thrillers and undercover cop movies to know how you deal with this situation. You send your goons out to capture someone close to the suspected snitch – the snitch's love interest usually works well in a case like this. Honestly though, I can't recommend sending goons out to apprehend Michelle Obama, even though we would all love to see Lindsey Graham and Joe Liebermann get their asses kicked by a middle-aged woman.

No. No, in this case, it has to be Rev. Wright. I mean, they were together 20 years. Wright Baptized Obama's children and married Barack and Michelle. Can you ever really break up with someone after all that? How do we know they're not just "on a break?" Perhaps there will be a backslide into a late-night Djibouti call.

To remedy this whole situation, I propose that Barack Obama kill Rev. Wright on national television – preferably Fox News, but I'll take G4TV if I can get it – and then devour his corpse. Why the devouring? Well, this way we can dispel any of that speculation about "fake bullets," "squibs" and "blood packets" that is bound to be circulated in e-mails. If you see the Senator from the great state of Illinois gnawing jugular on C-Span, you know it's the real thing. That's how Lincoln finally finished off Douglas, I hear.

But the question remains: How does one go about preparing a pesky reverend? Obviously, you can't have the potential leader of the free world feasting on raw human flesh. I mean, that would just be insane. Nor do I think the reverend has to be prepared kosher. I realize some Democrats might point out that Barack could kill two birds with one stone, as it were: proving his loyalty to America while, at the same time, scoring votes with the Jewish community. Realistically, though, it would just come off as pandering.

We know, for instance, that Wright is a former Marine. That means he'll be both tough and salty, but this is politics, and sometimes you just have to bite the bullet (and, if he uses my chosen method of execution, he might just do that literally!) I'm sure that not every piece of meat tossed in front of Barack Obama in the greasy spoons of Tennessee or Indiana was entirely palatable, and they didn't net him nearly as many votes as this would.

My suggestion for preparation is to let Iron Chef America host a cook-off. I mean, I'm not suggesting that Obama eat the entire body. I'm not stupid. What I'm suggesting is that each chef gets half the body and sees what he or she can do with it. Plus, it will be worth it just to hear The Chairman yell, "Today's secret ingredient is – CLERGY!"

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

First, it would truly prove, once and for all, unequivocally, that Barack Obama does not agree with the sentiments of his former pastor.

Second, it will send a message to our enemies. President Bush may bomb you, but Barack Obama will devour your soul!

Third, it will send a message to our friends. See above, re: Switzerland.

Fourth, it will send a strong message to Republicans. Off-shore drilling will, once again, be off the table.

Fifth, it will send a message to other Democrats. Just why is his veep list so long? It's made out of people!

Sixth, blue-collar workers love meat-eaters. America would rather elect a Black man than a vegetarian, but, for God's sakes, man, you can't be both!

Seventh, well… he does look kind of scrawny.

Innumerably more benefits could be enumerated, but by this time, you must have realized the case is air-tight.

For those of you who protest my methods here, I ask you: Is there any lesser way that Barack Obama could truly satisfy the lingering questions posed by right-wing blogs?

Thank you.