Closing Argument

Posted by Andrew Tobolowsky on 11.03.2008

Summary of Liberal talking points for all you crazy undecideds out there

Hit list style:

Change-Taxes: Look guys, we're not actually asking for a LOT of change. Essentially it works like this. Obama wants to gradually pull the plug on the War in Iraq and McCain wants to stay indefinitely. Obama wants to take the resources we're donating to the War in Iraq and put them into Afghanistan, arguing that we can't afford to prosecute both correctly (especially now). McCain apparently wants to ramp up (pretty enormously) the resources in Afghanistan WHILE continuing to prosecute Iraq at this level.

Obama's argument is that we have to be smart about the war on terror, that Iraq FOR the sake of Iraq is not entirely essential, that we'll do enough to make sure it's safe and get out of there, and McCain can't countenance leaving Iraq for at least a little while.

Those are two viewpoints it is reasonable to divide on. Here's the problem:

Iraq costs an enormous amount of money. If you want to bring Afghanistan to that level it will cost an enormous amount of money.

Obama says we can't do anything like that without taxing some people, little as we like it. McCain says we can do it while CUTTING taxes on everybody.ENORMOUSLY on companies which, of course, provide the most government revenue.

Look, this isn't rocket science. I realize this is Republican fiscal policy but Republican fiscal policy only works when the government does not spend enormously. And military spending does not get a free pass. Nothing that the government could do these next eight years could cost more than having two Iraqs to fund. Not even close. And McCain doesn't even want to pay for it. It's not any kind of surprise that the National Debt skyrockets under Republicans since Reagan. You want to do stuff, you have to pay for it. How is that a difficult concept?

Even right now with McCain's plans costing less than Obama's (not factoring in TWO full scale wars where right now we have 1.5) the debt will go up 1.5 trillion more under McCain. And we have to pay off the interest on the debt even if we don't pay the debt. And that's already about the fourth or fifth biggest item on the budget.

I'm sorry, but you have to tax if you want to spend. Call it "Socialism" if you must, but just realize that you're calling every even-close-to-modern president before Reagan a socialist. Obama's tax hikes, on rich people, won't even come close to matching those rates.

Controversy: Actually, Jeremiah Wright comes from a long and distinguished tradition. Ever read your Bible? The Old Testament is pretty much entirely concerned with "Israel sucks", and Jesus sure hates "the man" as well. His first move upon entering Jerusalem is to beat the crap out of a bunch of money lenders. Some people think this country's recent failures are the result of gays, Wright thinks it's due to injustice and intolerance.
But that doesn't make him, or the fact that Obama knows someone who forty years ago did some bad things, or that he once went to a farewell party for a distinguished academe whose views might not be entirely kosher—my god how could he be so thoughtless-- any less of a red herring. Shockingly, it's Prez Bush who said it best:

"I like the idea of people running for office. There's a positive effect…Maybe some will run for office and say, vote for me, I look forward to blowing up America. I don't know, I don't know if that will be their platform or not. But it's—I don't think so. I think people who generally run for office say, vote for me, I'm looking forward to fixing your potholes, or making sure you got bread on the table."

Besides, we got that balance o' powers up there. Even when Obama tries to pass executive order Jihad 3, it's likely that congress or the Supreme Court will be able to block it, y'know? That's sort of the point.

Abortion, Homosexuality

I understand that Obama is touring the country one last time, sleeping with dudes at every planned parenthood facility. This is really America's most important issue?

Palin:

If McCain wins, Sarah Palin will be in a position of power. Sarah Palin. I'm not kidding. She is dangerously, insanely ambitious. She ran for mayor of Wasilla on the platform of "Wasilla's first Christian mayor" which was shocking news to the previous mayors of Wasilla who had no idea their collective Hinduism was a problem. She's like that mom from Mean Girls but on steroids. She'll say anything, and get rid of anyone in her way to get what she wants. And the fact that she wants raped mothers to keep their babies somehow makes up for that?

The World:

The world, in general, views with dread a John McCain presidency. Not because John McCain himself is so bad, but because the last eight years were so bad. Never has America ignored the wishes of our allies and friends more thoroughly and more disastrously than in the last eight years. A vote for Obama says "oops, sorry about that." A vote for McCain says "and we're going to do it to your sister, too!" Just the truth, fair or not. And frankly, seeing as McCain's approach to dealing with world problems is the silent treatment, coupled with flashpoint aggression, it's a little bit fair.

Judgment:

McCain is a good man. Still, he's a good man. The tragedy of this election is that he'd be doing much better right now if he was EITHER a much better man or a much worse one. His weakness in allowing his surrogates and especially Vice President to go so negative in so foolish a way (it's not that they were lies, but that they were stupid lies) has actually been compounded by his inability to bring himself to fully endorse those things. At some point when you call a guy a socialist, or suggest terroristic associations, somebody is going to ask you "do you think he's a socialist, do you think he's anti-American." And if you're not willing to say yes to that, don't go there.

There is no getting around the fact that McCain's two major "game-changing" decisions of this campaign—Sarah Palin, and the laughable "suspension" of the campaign—were and are flops. They were impulsive, and reckless, and dared everything on very little. Guys, we've been there.

McCain was right about what would work in Iraq, and Obama was wrong. But that sidesteps the major question: is Iraq right in the first place? That we're there and that it would be dishonorable and embarrassing to "lose" is true, but what if that's the right thing for this country? Not because we can't win—we certainly can, whatever winning means in this case—but because it is smarter, and makes us safer, to concentrate on Afghanistan instead and we can't do that with Iraq around our next.

And how are we going to bring the world along with us on anything if McCain won't even talk to Spain, a NATO ally? Do we really still believe we can force other nations to do what we want merely by making them crave our attention? What is this, geopolitics for parents of two year olds? Will they even care or will they just kind of go on, you know, (in the case of Iran, for example) developing nuclear weapons glad to be free of interference?

Obama on the other hand, has stuck to his guns. You can say he "lied" about campaign financing, fairly enough, but it's more like he changed his mind when he realized the other was a much better option. What exactly is unethical about accepting funds from, you know, human beings?

He picked the VP he wanted, not the one that was politically expedient. He's his own man, and he makes the decisions that make sense to him. When everyone was telling him to panic, he kept his cool, and so far, he's been vindicated. And he's a good man too. Sorry Giuliani, but a community organizer is someone who spends their days trying to help other people.

There's not a lot of difference between these two men. There's major differences between how they behave, how they approach decisions, and whether or not they think to the bottom of the things that face them.

We'd, all of us, like not to be taxed any more. But for the love of God, you have to pay for what you do. We'd like to constantly maintain America's honor in all of her combats, but sometimes we need to recognize that there are better ways to achieve our goal, and that is more important than pride. And it really is as simple as that.

And now from America's greatest band:

"Somebody once asked, could I spare some change for gas, I need to get myself away from this place/ I said yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself/ and we could all use a little change."

Preach on.