Jobu's Altar: The All-Ugly Team

Posted by Rob Rabies on 04.04.2007

In Celebration of Opening Day, Rob Rabies gives you a Dream....err Nightmare team. The ugliest sumbitches on the diamond today.

I've been staying up late recently. Too late. As a result, on Sunday morning, it was nearly sunrise when it came time for señor Rabies to hit the hay. To help me get my much needed beauty rest, I borrowed señorita Rabies' sleeping mask. Wrapping it comfortably around my head, I dozed off for the next several hours, awakening only when I felt a sharp pain next to the left side of my nose. Overnight, the pressure from said mask had caused a Vesuvian like eruption on my face. I came to a resolute conclusion when looking at myself in the mirror--

"I'm one...ugly...motha-fucka today".

So, in honor of my temporary ugliness, and the beginning of the Latin American pastime, I thought that I would provide us all with a team far greater than any All Star team, more intimidating than any Dream Team, dangerous-er than any Seal team.

I give to you the All-Ugly Team.

But before we begin, a note about qualifications for said team:

Players must be active or very recently retired. As ugly as Mark McGwire's backne is, and Yogi Berra was, they don't qualify.

We'll begin with the positional players, move on to the pitchers, and finish with the coaching staff. And now, here is our MC for the evening.....SLOTH!!



Ok, Sloth's dead, so I'll take over in his honor. He gave me a goiter to remember him by. Thanks, Sloth *tear*

Up first:


Jim Thome, 1B/DH: Interesting story—my senior year Thome was turkey hunting near the town where I went to college. Several people saw him out at a bar that night and said he was a genuinely nice guy. Of course, no photos exist of this event. Can you blame the camera? I would have refused to take a picture of that too. In fact, scroll down before your monitor rejects the image it's displaying and blows a fuse to save itself the horror.


Jorge Cantu, 2B/Util: Cantu's flesh is weathered worse than the Appalachian Mountains. At least the arm hair is attractive and serves as a secondary income during sheep shearing season. No, George, the large black phallic symbol you're holding does not distract from your grotesqueness.


Tony Graffanino, SS: This one is for you, Sox fans. Every bit as good with the glove as he is with the ug--. His nose is an inverted banana, and he looks like a child molester in that photo. Quality stuff.


Brandon Inge, 3B. The modern day Rob Deer, albeit he looks like a 210 pound baby with a deformed head. I'm definitely going to hell.


Hideki Matsui, LF: There's a reason why they call him Godzilla, and it has nothing to do with the power in his bat. Only an atomic accident could have created a being this hideous. Although that wart/mole on his left eyebrow could be a third eye that helps him judge the spin and velocity of a pitch more accurately.


Ichiro, CF: Great hitter. The secret to his approach? He imagines his face on every ball he sees. OH GOD!! OH GOD!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!! Why did he end up in Seattle?? He's the only person ugly enough to substitute as a Carp at the famous Seattle Fish Market.


Adam Dunn, RF/Dessert Bar: You're a professional athlete for Chrissakes. Dunn had two homeruns on Opening Day. It still doesn't excuse his three chins. Perhaps the only major league baseball player who can't see his junk when he uses the urinal.


Jorge Posada, C: What a douchebag, but the ears serve a purpose. At least A-Rod has something to grab on to from behind.

And the reserves:


Backwards Ramon Garciaparra, 1B/Util There are so many ugly pictures of Backwards Ramon (the shirtless SI Cover is pure comedy) that I just had to show you all this one. Kids, this is what happens when you affiliate yourself with the Cubs—your groin tears off the bone. Of course, for a man as whipped as Backwards Ramon Hamm, he doesn't really need use of those muscles anyway. The funniest injury photo this side of Patrick Ewing's wrist dislocation.


Kevin Mench, OF/Util: Look at the size of that boy's heed. I'm not kidding. It's like an orange on a toothpick. That's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid. Has its own weather system. HEAD! MOVE! I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.


Sal Fasano, C/Bench: A thinner Clu Haywood from Major League. "Every time he sneezes it's like a party favor out there". I'm certain that Joe Pesci killed Fasano in either Casino or Goodfellas. Of course, bludgeoning him with a bat is cosmetic surgery at this point.

And now a vomit break....


On to the pitchers:


Randy Johnson, SP: Did you really think I'd forget Big Bird? He better have a 13" unit, otherwise this surly, arrogant, mulletted pornstached abomination from the Great White North may still be a virgin in spite of earning about 20 mil a year.



Jose Contreras, SP: Cuba's biggest exports are sugar, Republicans, overrated independent cinema, and ugly…all-world ugly. As dominant as Contreras was for the Cuban National Team, he's that much more imposing as the front of the line starter for the All Ugly Team.


Ezequiel Astacio, SP: What do you want from me? Proof of the fallibility of language. Note: despite my immense hatred for the Astros, I felt legitimately sorry for Astacio every time he took the mound in the '04 LCS. I wanted him to get outs just so he'd have something to live for...and so I wouldn't have to look at him.


Julian Tavarez, SP/RP: MLB's slightly uglier, less mentally stable Freddy Kruger. How he has not racked up a murderdeathkill on the mound yet is beyond me. It is rumored that he is in fact proof that God does not exist. Would an omniscient being that loves his creations truly bestow something this hideous upon them?


Rich Garces, RP: He's so fat he doesn't even have tits, they're udders. If I were a baseball, I'd travel 92 mph from his hand just to get the fuck away from him.


Antonio Alfonseca, RP: This guy is so ugly that his six fingers are an improvement from his goddamned face. He has a nose like Jared Leto after his Fight Club beat down. If you feel like destroying something beautiful, walk past this.

Aside: Alfonseca once nearly had his ass whipped by a crazed professional wrestler while slinging the stitch for the Marlins. My money still would have been on Alfonseca. Imagine three thumbs gouging your eyes out.


Eric Gagne, RP, 60 Day DL: ESPN once had the gall to call Gagne a metrosexual. Apparently they used the 7th entry in the OED—fat, filthy, Canadian with a tuft of 50 year old vajeen hair growing out of his chin. A dead ringer for The 40 Year Old Virgin's Seth Rogen, he of the quote "I'm ugly as shit by conventional standards." Agreed.


Todd Jones, RP: A more putrid-looking Rod Farva. After invariably giving up 1 or 2 runs in every outing he strips naked, sprays down with a garden hose, and douses himself in powdered sugar. The lice hate the sugar. His ugliness? Delicious.


But you can't control, you can't even contain ugly without a coaching staff

The All-Ugly Staff


Imagine you're Frank Torre. You have the option of either A) Death, or B) getting an organ that once lived inside of this. What do you do?? What do you do??

And you thought Keanu Reeves had it tough in Speed.


Willie McGee, Inspiration/Bench Coach: What better descriptor than "ET McGee".


Lenny Dykstra, Consultant/Scout/Pharmacologist: While we may have some people who look like pedophiles, this guy actually was one. Moreover, he was a lynchpin of the 1993 Phillies, the second ugliest team of all time. This guy knows ugly, and he lives ugly. Imagine going to ugly war with soldiers the likes Dykstra, Darren Daulton, John Kruk, Mitch Williams, Williams' and Kruk's mullets, Jim Eisenreich, and Curt Schilling. That, my friends, is murderers row.


Enjoy and purge the horror from your memories, but most of all remember this:

Is very bad to steal Jobu's rum.



Is very bad.