Jobu's Altar: The Most Balla SH*T...EVAH!!
Posted by Rob Rabies on 06.22.2007
There have been some great individual performances in baseball history. From the Rob Deer Memorial Golden Sombrero to the standard 4 homer game, Rob Rabies discusses the best and worst performances in baseball history.
Moreso than any other major American sport, baseball is a game of stats. Statistics are so pervasive in the "national pastime" (scare quotes for the absurdity of the statement) that most modern GMs now various sabermetric formulae to gauge the value of a human being.
Because of this obsession with stats, baseball also has among the quirkiest of individual accomplishments, especially within a single game. In light of this, I thought that it would be interesting to take a look at some of the most famous (and infamous) accomplishments in a single game in MLB history, and rank the achievements on an arbitrary scale. The end result will be, in my opinion, the greatest game ever played by anyone….ever.
Without further ado, lets move on to the list:
Hitting for the cycle in natural order: 14 times in MLB history. First recorded instance: Bill Collins, 1910; Most recent occurrence—Gary Matthews Jr., and Gary Matthews Jr.'s HGH, September 13, 2006.
Honestly, this one isn't anymore special to me than a garden-variety cycle. It's a neat little statistical anomaly, but it's really more like a 6 card straight than a straight flush. It's rarer, but it doesn't mean any more or less.
Rob Rabies wow factor: 3—"neat".
Unassisted Triple Play: 13 times in history (one disputed one before the modern era). First recorded instance—Paul Hines, 1878 (disputed); Neal Ball, July 19, 1909. Last instance—Troy Tulowitzki, April 29, 2007.
The most interesting thing about this stat is that at one point 65 years elapsed between two UTP's; from 1927-1992. Much like the natural cycle, this one is all luck (I'm not saying that hitting for the cycle is luck, but the progression is). Bill Wambsganss recorded an unassisted triple play in the 1920 World Series. Interesting caveat: Edgar Renteria has been on the last two teams to hit into a triple play (St. Louis in 2003 and Atlanta in 2007).
Rob Rabies wow factor: 5—"friggin sweet", especially since Tulowitzki was on my fantasy squad when he did it. Then I cut his ass the next week.
Perfect Game: 17 times in MLB history. Obviously the most famous one was Don Larsen's, although the most impressive had to be David Wells—hung-over, bitch tits flapping, slinging the stitch all over the place. More people have orbited the moon than have thrown a perfect game.
Sad sack sonofabitch: Terry Mulholland. He faced the minimum, gave up no walks, no hits, and hit no one, but a runner reached in the 7th inning due to an error by the third baseman. He was subsequently retired in a double play. So Mulholland faced the minimum, made no faults of his own, pitched a flawless game, and still didn't get credit for a perfect game.
Rob Rabies wow factor: 7—Several movies and other forms of media have been devoted to pitchers throwing perfect games. One which we may get into later, For Love of the Game, even a recent book about Jose Rijo throwing a perfect game in the Great American Ballpark, which is about as statistically likely as Lindsay Lohan giving up blow.
Perfect Perfect Game: 1 time in MLB history. In the first game of the 1994 World Series (yeah, that one), Steve Nebraska threw 81 pitches over nine innings, every one for a strike. No one made contact with Nebraska's 105 MPH + fastball, and he accounted for all of the Yankees scoring hitting as DH.
Rob Rabies wow factor: 9---Aye aye aye aye, Señor Nebraska.
Four Homers in One Game: 15 times. I can't imagine being the sorry sonofabitch who has to face someone whose fantasy player hit 4 homers in a game. What a brutal stat line that must be. Carlos Delgado was the last to do it in 2003, Bobby Lowe was the first in 1894. My personal favorite four homer memory was Hard Hittin' Mark Whitten going off for four homers in 1993 against the Reds. His final line: 4-5, 12 RBI, which also tied an MLB record. This coming from a guy who had 105 career homers. Still amazing. Although Whitten did make an out, and since outs are the currency of baseball, we should rate his performance below that of Chone Figgins from Monday night, who went 6-6.
Rob Rabies wow factor: 8—holy shit, this dude is hotter than the graphite rods inside the Chernobyl nuclear core.
Negative One Homers in One Game: Number unknown, although I believe this is the probably the most famous example:
Rob Rabies wow factor: 11 for the stupidity of it, 3 for the actual impressiveness. Although I still don't know why Canseco hasn't tried to become an action star? Couldn't he fairly easily take a Carl Weathers-esque role? Imagine Canseco in Accíon Jackson II.
Barbecue huh? How do you like your ribs?
20 Strikeouts in One Game: 4 times. First occurrence—Roger Clemens (did it twice); Most recent—Randy Johnson.
The most interesting thing about the 20K games is that one of them, the Kerry Wood game against Houston, has been touted as the most dominant pitching performance of all time. The Astros' only hit of the day was a weak flare that managed to drop in. The other 7 balls that weren't K's were all meekly hit. Wood also struck out his age. This year I have as many K's as the little Texan.
Rob Rabies wow factor: 8. Amazing, but they lose points because strikeouts are fascist. Ground balls are more democratic, and should be mixed in to please the masses, lest they riot.
Corked Bat Discovery: 6 times. First occurrence—Graig Nettles and his Super Balls. Most recent occurrence—Sammy Sosa (c'mon, you didn't think I could make it through a whole column without digging the Cubs).
My personal favorite was Chris Sabo, who denied that the bat was his, claiming that it instead belonged to a teammate. Funnier was the fact that it happened to Chris Sabo, who if I recall was the only CPA ever to play at the hot corner.
Look at that stupid bastard.
So…let's get down to the rankings. These are the five greatest things that happened in the course of a baseball game, in my opinion. Sorry for the combination of hitters and pitchers, but thems is the breaks, and no, Johnny Van Der Meer doesn't count here.
#5: Canseco hits negative one homeruns
#4: Kerry Wood strikes out 20 Asshoes. You really had to see it to believe it. I'll never see a pitcher that "on" again.
#3: Steve Nebraska pitches a Perfect Perfect game (hours after contemplating suicide).
#2: Mark Whitten's four homer game. Personally, I think this is the greatest game that any hitter ever played. Hopefully you were able to pick up on the 7 coats of sarcasm from earlier. Not only was the 4 homers a record, but his 12 RBI tied an MLB record, and the sonofabitch hit a grand slam. Wow…just wow.
Which leaves us with #1, which wasn't a 4 homer game, nor was it a batter kicking the chest of a catcher and then preceding to charge the mound…
#1. Dock Ellis throws a no hitter on acid. I don't care what anyone says—this happened. You can believe in God, so I can believe in Dock. According to the legend, Ellis woke up in Los Angeles, and found out from the newspaper that he was starting in San Diego the same night. Still incredibly wasted from a booze and drugs-filled night of carousing, Ellis arrived at the park shortly before the start of the game, and took his rightful place in the rotation.
Here are excerpts from a High Times article about the game: "Dock woke up late. Why shouldn't he? As far as he knew, the team had an off day and he planned to take full advantage of it. Three hits of LSD were ready and waiting in the refrigerator.
"A few minutes later, his girlfriend returned with coffee, donuts, and the morning paper. At noon, they dropped acid. Dock put on a record, while his girlfriend read the paper.
"Dock, it says here you're pitching today!"
"Whaaaa...? said Dock groggily. He snatched the paper, scanned the box scores, and read:
PITTSBURGH AT PADRES
DOUBLEHEADER
(6 P.M.) - Ellis (4-4) vs. Roberts (3-3)
As one could expect for a guy tripping on acid, Ellis was wilder than Paris Hilton in Chained Heat 3. He walked 8 batters over the course of the game, but whenever he ran into a jam, he could fall back on his trusty confidant—the ball.
Yes, Ellis was so fucking wasted that the ball was telling him what pitches to throw during his hallucinations. Obviously the balls which Ellis spoke to were a hell of a lot more intelligent than Slider, or Ellis' catcher for that matter.
Rob Rabies wow factor: 19. In the words of Dave Chappelle, that was THE MOST BALLA SHIT….EVAH!!!
Please vote for Jeff Weaver for the AL All-Star team.
