The Top 10 Ugliest Men In Professional Sports
Posted by Matt McCready on 11.21.2006
They may have the money and they may have the fame, but boy do they not have the face. Join 411 reporter Matt McCready as he counts down the 10 ugliest men in professional sports. It's a piece of journalism deemed too SHOCKING for 60 minutes!
I assumed that my profile on Drazen Petrovic would be published today as opposed to last Saturday. I've been pretty busy and thus did not have a lot of time to write an article. So with a Friday afternoon to devote to my writing craft, I present to you the landmark article "The Top 10 Ugliest Men in Professional Sports".
Now as a heterosexual male I might not be the most qualified guy to write this mean-spirited article, but regardless if you're straight, gay, black, white, female, male or any other possible characterization; these guys are ugly. Besides, I myself don't really have Walter Matthau Hollywood good looks myself so I at least have a little bit of experience when it comes to this topic.
While it's cheap to libel guys who've never done or said anything derogatory about me like this, I'm sure when these athletes are in their Parisian sheets in their race car bed (that also doubles as a race car) they're really not going to lose a lot of sleep over what a poor humble son of the town butcher from Toronto writes about them. So here we go…
The Top 10 Ugliest Men in Professional Sports
#10 Jason Giambi
"They'll think I'm sexy if I pull my Bruce Springsteen pose"
Ah, Johnny Roid-Boy, Roids McRoids, Human Growth Jackass, I encourage readers to email me their mediocre Giambi bashing nickname jive-talk, as I'm a big fan. The media tends to push the adverse effects of growth hormone, as they should, but while they focus on the negative effects it has on organs, what about the long term effect it has on your appearance. Giambi is mostly on this list due to the effect the cabinet of pharmaceuticals had on his body. I've seen children's play-dough sculptures look more anatomically correct than his body. However those Jose Canseco specials didn't help him earn the nickname ‘Truck Face' by his fans. Giambi's so weird as his head AND face have expanded over the years. He's not so much ugly as he just looks like an experiment. One of those experiments that you used to do with those fetal pigs in grade 10. You know when at the end of the week the despondent adolescents in the class are using scientific implements in a way where science never intended? Yeah, those mutilated things. Those things are Jason Giambi.
#9 Tie Domi
Is it just me, or do those eyebrows look delicious?
Is Tie Domi really ugly or just weird looking? Well, I guess that depends on who you ask. As a regular member of the Toronto Maple Leafs for years, and living in Toronto myself, I've been privy to an enormous amount of public opinion about Tie since my childhood. The debates range from whether he's the best fighter in the league, to how many skills he has away from fisticuffs to how dirty was that high-speed elbow to Scott Niedermayer's face. The majority of women I've known claim that Domi's enormous eyebrows and borderline creepy demeanor is a pretty big turnoff. However, earlier this year Domi was accused of cheating on his wife with a high level Canadian politician. Her standards aren't considered lofty by any standards, as she's arguably the biggest slut in Canada, but she's reasonably hot (think a Canadian Paris Hilton politician). Maybe those in power find caterpillar eyebrows and Duplo shaped bodies attractive?
#8 Ha Seung Jin
I'm glad the Seung Jin family appreciated irony when they named this kid.
To call this guy a poor man's Yao Ming is an insult to underprivileged men everywhere. Think a Sunday morning third-world telethon Yao Ming and you're on the right track. I remember when this prospect was found, there was a lot of comparisons between him and Ming. Other than being well over 7 feet tall and Asian, there's nothing really alike between the two of them. While his physical stature ensured him of hundreds of thousands of dollars, the South Korean wasn't as blessed when it came to facial features. As one female blogger noted while I was searching for the right picture for him; ‘Why does the only Korean player in the NBA have to be so ugly?'
#7 Jeremy Roenick
The above picture was taken moments after one of his many concussions...truly this man who has sacrificed his face for the game of hockey.
Two things are clear when you listen to Jeremy Roenick. One is that he's perhaps the most entertaining interview in the National Hockey League, and two is that he's had a lot of head injuries. He'll give a number of zingers and funny comments during nearly every interview he conducts and then he'll start randomly dancing or jumping up onto his seat. Bizarre stuff. Another way to quickly observe his multiple concussions would be to look at his face. The above picture was taken moments after one of his many concussions and truly this man who has sacrificed his face for the game of hockey. I encourage him to retire because he's only one more head injury away from permanent injury and while he was an incredibly productive player with the Chicago Blackhawks, Phoenix Coyotes and Philadelphia Flyers; he currently skates with the Los Angeles Kings and is a shadow of his former playing self. Get off the ice JR and start your next career as the premier NHL ridiculous colour commentator.
#6 Chris Kaman
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Despite his appearance I have nothing but respect for Kaman as he rocks my favorite hairstyle
‘The fading mid 90ies gas attendant Skullet".
If Hulk Hogan were to have a baby with somebody as ugly as say…Hulk Hogan, their offspring would be Los Angeles Clippers center Chris Kaman. With a 7 foot frame and a face that belongs in "House of 1000 Corpses", Kaman might have been the only one on this list that didn't have a hard time ‘scaring' up a date in high school. LOL?
#5 Hulk Hogan
The Rock's reaction to seeing Hulk Hogan in person for the first time
What can be uglier than a young Hulk Hogan? How about an old Hulk Hogan. His bald spot has grown exponentially over the years to the point where if hair were trees, Hulk Hogan's head would be a children's playground in Chernobyl. There literally looks like there's one row of hair left right above his neck. Then there's that skin pigmentation, obtainable only through a lifetime of over-tanning or bathing in orange Kool-Aid for a month. I swear when Hogan dies, his family MUST convert him into a ritzy orange leather chesterfield. And what about that stylish mustache?
Hogan's always been a bastion of change to his gimmick as he grew the mustache in the mid 70ies and kept it throughout several decades of snickering, until finally it became the ‘hip look' again with the rise of Orange County Choppers in 2002. I still remember in the mid 80ies when Hogan told Kamala "The Ugandan Giant" to prepare for a ‘mustache ride of terror'. That comment terrorized me as a child and it still haunts my dreams to this day.
#4 Greg Raymer
‘Lucky at cards, unlucky with love' has never been more appropriate.
There's a debate on whether or not poker is a legitimate sport (I'm definitely on the ‘not' side of the argument) but there's no debate on this guy; he's ugly. Literally the poster boy for fat poker playing losers, Greg Raymer was the star of many commercials for a website called pokergangstastars.org or something. The gist of the commercials is Raymer sitting in an opulent room while he spouts off about how before he started playing cashmoney stud, he was a nobody. To dumb it down even more ‘Hey you think you're a loser? Look at ME! Now I'm a millionaire thanks to off-shore gambling websites'. For Greg Raymer the statement ‘lucky at cards, unlucky with love' has never been more appropriate.
#3 Barbaro *
What a jerk.
Now some might say it's unfair, putting a defenseless animal on this list. But when you're as smug as that jerk Barbaro, I'll make an exception. I'm not debating whether he was a talented racer, he was, but the insistence on speaking about taboo subjects in public (of racial and political nature) and daily reliance on methamphetamines during his prime created more of an ugliness that radiates from his body. Really, you cannot find anyone who will say they like the guy. I'm GLAD he broke his leg. There I said it!
I wouldn't use glue made from you on my illegitimate child's bristle board you cocky self-righteous Sarah Jerk Parker.
#2 Joanie Laurer
It really does look like a mini-penis.
Joanie Laurer
a.k.a. Chyna
a.k.a. China Doll
a.k.a. The Man-Beast
Former pro wrestler and Surreal Life freakshow (whose sex appeal on the show rivaled that of only drunk naked in a corner Mini-Me) Chyna cracks this list at number two. While technically a woman (as her filthy Playboy appearances appear to prove), there IS however compelling evidence to prove that she too belongs on a list composed entirely of men.
A 2004 pornographic movie entitled "A Night in China" stars The Man-Beast along with (just so the whole situation is even more gruesome) Sean ‘X-Pac' Waltman. In that video there is a scene where Waltman delves into Laurer's dirt and a two-and-a-half inch clitoris is shown, along with ball-shaped glands. I'm not going to show a picture, I'm not even going to post a link, you guys can find it on your own and trust me, the thing is hideous. It really does look like a mini-penis. Bust the picture out at your next party/bar mitzvah, I guarantee it will get a huge reaction. With all the steroid abuse between the two of them, I'm sure Chyna clit would put Jason Giambi's shriveled dingleberries to shame.
#1 Sam Cassell
A picture may be worth a thousand words, but George Carlin would only need seven to describe Sam Cassell's face.
The alien faced Cassell is routinely poked fun for his bizarre, somewhat human at for his appearance throughout pro sports. The only thing Sam really has that deters from the extra-terrestrial comparison is the fact that he isn't coneheaded. Seriously though, Sam Cassell couldn't give a Viagra fueled Caligula an erection. Yeah… after ten guys I'm definitely out of ugly jokes.
Well that was fun. I hope everybody learned something.
Next week look forward to a retrospective on the history of elite NBA centers from yours truly. I can't guarantee that it will as well written and informative as this Pulitzer worthy piece, but I'll see what I can do.
* I am a fan of animals and would never wish harm on a fine horse like Barbaro.
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