The Zack Morris NBA Cell Phone 02.12.07
Posted by Matt McCready on 02.12.2007
In the inaugural edition of 'The Zack Morris NBA Cell Phone', Matt McCready looks at the Eddy Curry all-star snub, the epic Chris Bosh/Dwight Howard match up, the dirtiest player in the NBA and gives us a new completely unnecessary nickname!
Welcome to the first edition of the ‘Zack Morris NBA Cell Phone' a bi-weekly look into the world of professional basketball by the self proclaimed 'Mike Wallace of the nineties' Matt McCready.
Eddie Curry is no All-Star
Am I the only one bewildered by all this ‘Eddy Curry was snubbed for the All-Star game' talk?
Eddie Curry is a good low post scorer. Not the best in the league, but among the top ten. He doesn't play defense, can't pass out of the double team, turns the ball over, blocks shots poorly for a center and rebounds like a 6'6 forward. Oh, and his team sucks too. So should a player with only one above average NBA skill make the All-Star team? And who would you cut?
And while I didn't include Shaq in my ‘Top 10 NBA Big Men' article (something that might come back to haunt me) don't try to tell me that you'd prefer to see Curry in the game over one of the best NBA centers of all time. Obviously Curry has outperformed the injured O'Neal, but does anyone really want to miss the annual Shaq 3 point attempt and ridiculous prop-of-the-day? Shoe phone? Synthetic glow-in-the-dark basketball? Kobe Bryant voodoo doll? I can hardly wait, but man can Curry score in the low post…
Eddie Curry is so boring. I'm just going to post this enormous picture of a mulleted John Stamos instead. No need to thank me ladies/John Amaechi
The NBA All-Dirty Team
In each of the next 5 issues of ‘The Zack Morris NBA Cell Phone' we'll look at some of the scrappiest cheap shotters in the game of basketball. And who better to start with than…
Danny Fortson
I should be careful how I label Danny Fortson. While dirtbag, hooligan, douchebag and ass-hat might all be applicable, Danny doesn't seem to have a high tolerance to name calling.
During a November 2003 blowout with his team up way ahead with minutes to go, Zarko Cabarkapa drove the lane and was subsequently pushed by Danny Fortson. Zarko landed hard, shattering his wrist, his confidence and eventually, his NBA career. After the game in the Suns locker room Zarko responded to the incident through a translator while in tears (awwwwwe!) "I can't comprehend it. I don't know exactly what happened. I just know I was trying to drive to the basket and Fortson pushed me."
Fortson was ejected from the game and given a 3 game suspension. Then owner Jerry Colangelo called Fortson a ‘thug' while New York Post columnist Peter Vecsey called him a ‘meaningless mass'. Despite the rather tame comments, Fortson went on to sue Colangelo for defamation of character.
One of Danny's thuggish lawyer friends
Once a decent rebounder, Fortson now logs a mere eleven minutes a game with one of the worst teams in the NBA, the Seattle SuperSonics. Maybe Fortson can learn a lesson for another soul who was once deemed a ‘meaningless mass', I am of course referring to ‘the Milkshake Monster' Grimace.
The newly reformed Danny Fortson hanging out with Cedric the Entertainer and Clay Aiken
Chris Bosh and Dwight Howard both score career highs in points in head-to-head matchup
In a meeting between the two best 22 and under big men in the NBA, Dwight Howard and the Orlando Magic battled Chris Bosh and the Toronto Raptors on February 7th. Another interesting battle was 2006 1st overall pick Andrea Bargnani going up against 2003 2nd overall selection Darko Milicic.
An important game for two teams trying to establish themselves in the Eastern Conference playoffs, it was a sloppy yet highly spirited game where it seemed like every other play was a highlight reel dunk. Heading into the game Chris Bosh had averaged more than 25 points per game since returning from a minor knee injury and he showcased every tool in his arsenal. Bosh was hitting his jumpers and was too quick for the Magic to handle on the perimeter, scoring a career high 41 points. With the Magic's Toni Battie injured, Bosh realized he had to attack the depleted Magic frontline and he did just that, causing the Magic's Darko Milicic to commit two quick fouls which gave Orlando no choice put to play the over-the-hill-yet-still-awesomely-named Bo Outlaw extensive minutes.
Bo Outlaw
Bosh went to the line 17 times, hitting 15. Bosh gets to the line so easily because his jumper is so smooth and accurate, forcing his defender to play him close. Toronto fans showered Bosh with ‘M-V-P' chants throughout the forth quarter every time he went to the line and with the way he was playing, it was warranted.
While Bosh was scoring a career high in points, Dwight Howard was doing the same. Scoring 32 points while shooting a sublime 13 of 14 from the field, the chiseled man-beast assaulted the Air Canada Center rims like Ike Turner on PCP. When Dwight caught the ball under the net there wasn't a player on the Raptors squad that could prevent him from throwing it down. At one point he absolutely posterized Chris Bosh, slamming it, again like Ike Turner, right in his face. Double teamed the whole game, he demonstrated the ability to pass out of the defensive pressure as he finished with four assists. If there's one player I think Dwight as a player and a person is comparable to these days, it's a young Shaquille O'Neal. From the goofy demeanor off the court to the power dunks in game, it all points to Shaq Daddy. This kid is sick and in five years, barring injury, we could be looking at him as an all-time great.
Darko actually looked decent offensively, hitting a couple of nice hook shots, but Bosh repeatedly beat him off the dribble causing Milicic to commit five fouls in only 22 minutes. While Bosh is one of the toughest match-ups in the league, Dwight Howard described him as a ‘two man in a four man's body' after the game, it seems Darko is much more effective as a weak side shot blocker than he is defending his own man. Out of the four youngsters profiled here, Darko is probably the last one a GM would take because his game is furthest away from being complete and there are serious questions over his desire to be a great NBA player. Spending three years sitting on the Detroit bench being emasculated by Larry Brown probably didn't help his development too much.
Some question Darko's commitment to the game
Meanwhile, Bargnani showcased some of the skills that caused the Raptors to select him first overall and has put him in strong consideration for rookie-of-the-year. While he didn't hit a three pointer, he did an excellent job of putting the ball on the floor and attacking the rim with a couple pretty drives and dunks. Ill magic needs to work on his rebounding, but he legitimately looks like he could be the next Dirk Nowitzki.
It's REALLY hard to judge who has more value between Bosh and Howard. While they are both supremely talented, Dwight Howard's skill set is completely different to that of Bosh. While Bosh's game relies more on quickness and finesse to get to the basket, Dwight muscles his way into scoring position. Bosh is much more skilled than Howard in every facet of the game outside of rebounding. While Bosh can make a series of wet jumpers without blinking an eye, Dwight hit an eighteen foot jumpshot and laughed about it the entire way back up the court, knowing that the chances of that shot falling were slim at best. Dwight also really needs to work on his free throws, shooting a putrid 61 percent from the line, surprisingly down from his rookie year mark of 67 percent.
I would take Bosh over Howard at this point, as Chris has really matured into an all-around leader of the immensely improved Raptor team. Howard's unnatural strength gives him the higher ceiling so it'll be interesting to see these two battle for the next decade.
Who is the number one stunner?
With his incredible play over the course of the college season, there has been intense speculation whether or not freshman sensation Kevin Durant has overtaken behemoth Greg Oden as the consensus number one pick in the draft.
Well I was gearing up to write a feature article on the subject when I came across this gem from NBADraft.net which precisely expressed my feelings on the subject.
Greg Oden could beat up your dad in his primeI
To sum it up, it pretty much states that Oden will go number one based on the history of success players of his caliber have achieved (David Robinson, Dikembe Mutumbo, Alonzo Mourning) while also discussing the notion that Oden's basement value (the worst possible player he could become) is greater than Durant's basement value. I agree with their assessment that any GM would have to be crazy to pass up a guy like Oden.
The piece is an excellent read for those wondering what goes into evaluating future pro basketball talent.
It's time for…a completely unnecessary NBA nickname!
Jorge Garbajosa
The Showcase Late Review
Jorge Garbajosa is a man who already has an abundance of nicknames. The most commonly used in North America is ‘The Garbage Man' in reference to the dirty work he does on the court while ‘Porn Player' was his sobriquet of choice overseas, due to Jorge's ability to do anything on the basketball court ‘obscenely' well.
I find ‘Garbage Man' is too similar to Brian Cardinal's nickname of ‘The Janitor' while announcers are hesitant to use the otherwise excellent ‘Porn Player' due to the family friendly nature of the NBA, so I present ‘The Showcase Late Review'.
For those not in the know, The Showcase Late Review is a Canadian program which usually consists of a sloppily produced, yet efficient, foreign film that typically contained a sufficient amount of softcore pornography to satisfy any 14 year old needs. This new nickname would keep his traditionally vulgar Euro intonation, while also reflecting the dirty Canadian aspect to his game.
I just wish he attacked the rim more ferociously, just for the play-by-play call of ‘The Showcase Late Review just gave Yao Ming a facial!'
Well readers that was the first edition of ‘The Zack Morris NBA Cell Phone'. For having read it consider yourself a part of history. In our next issue we'll discuss a plethora of other mildly entertaining short stories as well as a couple mediocre jokes involving pop culture references of some sort. Stay tuned!
