The Zach Morris NBA Cellphone: The Top Heels in Professional Basketball
Posted by Matt McCready on 03.28.2007
The Iron Sheik. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Ric "Nature Boy" Flair. All these men are known throughout wrestling as the men that crowds loved to hate. But what about basketball? Are there legitimate hate worthy players on the hardwood? There sure are! In this SPECIAL HEEL edition of the Zack Morris NBA CellPhone, Matt McCready takes a look at the top basketball talents fans love to hate.
THE ZACK MORRIS NBA CELLPHONE
HEEL EDITION!
Welcome to a SPECIAL Edition of the Zack Morris NBA Cellphone. In this edition we'll be looking at the basketball players that fans love to hate; the top heels in professional basketball! Now to make this list a player can't just play aggressive defense (Bruce Bowen) or be an outright thug (Danny Fortson), to make this list a player must be hateable on a different level while also possessing the requisite charisma to truly make the fans dislike him. So with that out of the way let's start at the top...
Michael "The Million Dollar Jerk" Jordan, post Chicago Bulls
Now while Michael Jordan might be loved by basketball fans, non-basketball fans, inner city youth, corporate America, Democrats, Republicans, the Dirty South, the Clean-cut North, Looney Tunes and Muppets alike as a basketball player, all those qualities that make him so likable as a Chicago Bull have made him so hateable ever since. The cockiness, the swagger, the belief that he's the best in the world; while these traits might have been accurate for MJ the player, they sure haven't applied to MJ the executive.
Much like Mark Messier later on in his career, Jordan's leadership abilities regressed as dramatically as his skills did. After several successful retirements, he returned to the NBA for the final time with the Washington Wizards. The Wiz immediately benefited from Jordan's winning demeanor and professionalism as he led the franchise to back-to-back draft lotteries.
A member of one of those ill-fated Wizard squads, Richard Hamilton, recently regaled this Michael Jordan story, presumably to demonstrate his competitiveness. The two of them were finishing up practice with a shooting competition, with a small amount of money on the line. Well, Rip beat Jordan in the contest and they were already holding up the team bus by finishing the game. But Mike wasn't finished yet! Straight out of a Tony Robbins inspirational video, Michael held up the team bus until he caught up to Rip's score and beat him, proving to all on the team that Michael Jordan is pure man. After the season Mike had the future All-Star and NBA champion Hamilton traded for a regressing Jerry Stackhouse at the conclusion of the season.
Showing that his eye for basketball talent matches Scottie Pippen's eye for real estate, Jordan was instrumental in selecting monumental bust Kwame (K-rappy) Brown first overall. Jordan then berated the youngster with morale and team-boosting comments like ‘faggot' to the point where the recently graduated high schooler wouldn't leave his bed. Since becoming a minority owner of the Bobcats, Jordan extended his drafting prowess by selecting the bush league Adam Morrison 3rd overall. Hey Mike, 0 for 2 ain't bad!
In a recent interview with SLAM magazine, Jordan refused to admit that the years in Washington actually happened. He was ‘teaching' that year. Ok.
So like I said, Michael Jordan is one of the most loved athletes of all time but his exit from the game has been as graceful as Charles Barkley in a figure skating competition or Kyle Korver on Ice T's Rap School.
Kobe "The Rapist" Bryant
The above nickname is of course referring to his actions on the court, not any incidents involving the teenage girls of Denver Colorado.
The Los Angeles Lakers should rank among the top five greatest dynasties the league has ever seen. The combination of Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O'Neal were practically unstoppable, Kobe being one of the most productive guards while Shaq could dominate any big man in the league, including Arvydas Sabonis.
Even Arvydas ‘Campfire Dad' Sabonis was no match for Shaquille O'Neal
After being a part of the greatest basketball dynasty since the Chicago Bulls ran amok, Kobe decided it was his time to lead the team and demanded the greatest player of his generation be traded. It's the wrestling equivalent to Marty Jannetty brushing off Shawn Micheals to pursue a singles career.
On the court he's been known as shot happy and selfish, keeping his teammates from getting into a groove by dominating the ball too much. However, he's being lauded this year for being a better teammate, passing the ball more and looking to get other Lakers involved.
Oh, and he's third in the league for shots attempted this year.
Off the court he's a model citizen with the occasional rape accusations thrown in ‘here and there'. Kobe's actions after the incident would make Ravishing Rick Rude proud. Upon questioning by police, Kobe stated that he should've just bought off all the girls, like Shaquille O'Neal does.
Say what you will about the Shaq-Kobe feud. But this is the worst sling that was thrown in the battle. Telling a government official that he rapes women and pays to cover them up is a pretty big step up from ‘he takes too many shots'.
Another example of Kobe passing out of the double-team
And speaking of buying off women, his wife joined him at his press conference concerning the raping and wore a newly bought (FOUR MILLION DOLLAR) diamond ring bought by her loving husband just days before. I'd love to be there for that gift giving.
Bryant: Baby, I love you.
Ms. Bryant: Awe baby you never talk to me, let alone say something nice. I love you too.
Kobes: Now baby I've got some bad news…I slept with another woman.
Angry Bryant: Wait…what?
Kobe: Um yeah, it was also…kiiiiiinda…..rape.
The now deranged with rage Ms. Bryant: What the *%^*???
*Kobe flashes the FOUR MILLION DOLLAR ring*
Kobe's wife: Oh my GOD it's huge!
KB8: That's what SHE said…
*Luke Walton drumroll*
Luke Walton + drum set = Tension breaker
It must be nice to buy off your wife with a ring that monetarily equates to a box of donuts for most people.
For those interested, Kobe was found not guilty. While some have suggested that Kobe simply had the money to hire lawyers needed to ensure the not guilty outcome, I find that accusation absurd. Kobe Bryant would never use money to find his way out of trouble.
"Mr. Wonderful" Vince Carter
When asked the question ‘Who was the most talented player you've ever played with?' Jalen Rose answered without pause. One would think the question would require significant deliberation considering he has played with all-world type players throughout his career like Steve Nash, Reggie Miller and Chris Bosh.
But Rose didn't hesitate for a second when giving his answer. The most talented player he's ever played with is Vince Carter.
And THAT is why people hate Vince Carter. The dude possesses every possible attribute that could be asked for in a superstar; superior athleticism, charitable in the community He also go the attention of women with his good looks and killer smile. It's really hard cheering for a player who could probably pick up your girlfriend for some greasy motel sex on a whim. Not that Vince would do something like that. He's just too wonderful.
Face it haters, Vince Carter is just too heel to make love to your girlfriend.
He's like Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore. Except in this version Sandler and the cast of Grandma's Boy get dunked on to end the game. This is followed by Vince taking home Drew Barrymore, Veronica Vaughn, Crazy Eyes and Miss Lippy.
So Carter will continue to dazzle casual fans of the sport and those who enjoy pure feats of athletic excellence, while others will condemn a man for occasional lapses in intensity and movie star good looks.
Travis "Serial Killer" Diener
There's no player more feared in the game of basketball than Travis ‘Zodiac' Diener. The man who single-handedly ended the career of both Keith Closs and Detlef Schrempf is known throughout the NBA for three things: cheap shots, a cock-swinging strut and performing unrequited testicular surgery on opposing players.
Just a couple more victims of the ‘The Butcher of Fond du Lac Wisconsin'
Diener first hit the radar of NBA scouts when he hit an amazing five three-pointers during a game against Duke. He then followed that highlight reel play with something even more spectacular; biting the nose off of a Duke cheerleader. Apparently this was in homage to his favorite movie character Johnny No-Nose, played by the late Chris Farley. While the character was hilarious on the big screen, the image of a girl screaming while her sinus cavity spills onto the hardwood is somewhat less comical in person.
Jeff ‘The Brain' Van Gundy
Ah, who could forget the man who Alonzo Mourning kicked around like a ragdoll while screaming ‘WEASEL!'? The man is Jeff Van Gundy and he is an evil, evil basketball mastermind.
The older brother of Stan "Pat Riley's housesitter' Van Gundy, Jeff is known throughout the NBA for winning games and for endorsing a style of basketball that is more reminiscent of a curling rink than the hardwood. Van Gundy's defensive style of basketball may get results (the tremendous play of the Houston Rockets this year without Yao Ming, his previous success with the New York Knicks) but it's far from the game's most entertaining.
In a belated St. Patrick's day mannor, here is a Limerick in tribute to Jeff Van Gundy
There once was a coach named Van Gundy
He's like Run DMC with no Run D
Jeff's had some success
But the fans weren't impressed
Let's just say that this guy's no Al Bundy
