The Starting Five: Week of August 20. 2007
Posted by Jason Goodman on 08.22.2007
You stupid, STUPID moron. What were you thinking?
Hi, Everybody, and welcome back to the latest installment of The Starting 5! You already know I'm Jason Goodman, and I already know you're my huddled masses, yearning to read free. Before we get into the goods, I'd like to say something about two people who have recently passed. The first, Phil Rizzuto, died at the age of 89 this past week. I Still remember being a little kid, and watching Yankees games on WPIX, just hoping to hear "Scooter" utter my absolute favorite phrase. He made watching baseball games on television fun, just by the sheer volume of unrelated subjects he could cover in a single half-inning. As a shortstop, he played the game the way it's supposed to be done: with pure energy, pure hustle, and pure joy. I was never any good at imitating his patented call, but I would try every once in a while, whenever on the field. It's like pretending to be Marv Albert when making a badass move on the basketball court. He will be missed.
The second person I want to talk about is comic book artist Mike Wieringo. Anyone who knows me understands that comics in all forms are pretty much a staple of my life. Wieringo, whose signature "Ringo!" may have been more recognizable to anyone who picked up a Spider-Man or Fantastic Four book in the last couple of years, died at the age of 44 from (heart failure). It was a shock to all, as he lead one of the healthier lifestyles you'd ever see in a person. He was one of the artists I felt successfully fused an animated style with traditional North American rules. I am always saddened when this community loses a member, so I thought I'd share my feelings with you.
Y'know, this has been a rather messed up week in the sports world. I waited all day, just to see what a certain southern quarterback would do once his comrades had all left him standing alone. I wanted him to announce he was fighting this in court, because I have this inane tendency to believe in the best of people. Instead, here I am doing a Monday night rewrite. Prepare yourselves, for The Starting ONE!
Michael Vick agrees to plead guilty to federal charges:
I had written an entire thing about how I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt… Of course, that desire has now gone up in smoke. One week from now, Michael Vick will officially plead guilty to all federal charges stemming from his little dogfighting "venture." It doesn't really end there, because there is still the matter of sentencing AND the matter of possible state charges being levied against him next. Y'know, I should wait until Vick makes his official statement in court next week, so I know exactly what he's admitting to, but you good people KNOW I can't help myself(why should I?):
Dear Michael Vick,
I am not one for mincing words, so let me just ask you: What the HECK were you thinking?? Really, I refuse to believe that that lovely woman who stood on the steps with your lawyer EVER raised you to participate in something so incredibly stupid. I highly doubt that any of your coaches who helped you throughout your career would have advised you spend your time on something so… so STUPID. Was $130 MILLION not enough for you? Did you need the money? Oh wait, maybe it was the thrill. I can see how playing a position that has you in the sights of 3-400-pound men in freaking BODY ARMOR on a weekly basis could leave you wanting something a bit more… well, more.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't judge. It's just that, we're talking about something so incredibly inhumane here, taking an animal which inherently trusts us(after eons of domestication), and conditioning them to fight and maim each other, and then KILL them when they've outlived their usefulness... it's just bad business, don't you think? I'm no PETA guy, but that just seeps like a waste of living creatures, and a useless one at that. I mean, really, Dog Fighting? Was that the best thing you could come up with for your time and investment? Really? You coulda just gotten some hookers, and I'm talking the high-end kind. You could afford it, man, and buy some for your boys too. That way you could keep THEM out of trouble while you're at it! No?
You strung us along… you didn't even think to hire yourself a lawyer right away… Did you think that this wasn't important enough to handle properly? Did you think it was a joke? I heard your interviews… where you talk about not liking the constant scrutiny. Seems to me that people aware of scrutiny don't do things like running illegal gambling rings based off illegal activities! Did you think you were untouchable? You, the jackass who couldn't even sneak your secret weed compartment through the airport?? Are you kidding me?!? Listen: YOU ARE NOT O.J. SIMPSON. There will NEVER be another one of those. You are too young, and OBVIOUSLY too arrogant to just waltz around, flouting the rules whenever you wish. Heh, you probably STILL think you're getting off easy, don't you? Well, there's still the state to deal with, and there's still the possibility that you will never play football again. Oh, and I guess most of that contract of yours is now null and void. I also wouldn't bet that Arthur Blank is the kind of man who likes having his emotions and wallet simultaneously messed with. You're going to be paying for this for a while, man. You need to understand that.
I feel bad for all the kids who looked up to you, all the fools who bought your merchandise, and all those who took your side in this. Completely led on. And your family, for this most public of humiliations. And those poor Falcons, doomed to a .500 season. Yep, you managed to let down the largest group of people humanly possible. I hope you're proud.
Sincerely,
Jason Goodman
Ahhhh… that was nice.
Parting Shot:
A word of advice to anyone leaving the country anytime soon: TAKE EVERYTHING WITH YOU! By "everything" I am referring to your ID's(ALL OF THEM!), your reservations(printed out nice and neat, if done online), and some proof that you'll be returning to your home country when you say you are. Let's just say things have changed since my last trip seven years ago. I almost got sent back from the border, if not for the kindness and patience of one Immigration agent. Toronto was fun, the night I saw of improv comedy was fun, the people were all pretty cool, and I look forward to going back one day. Thanks to improv team Junior Varsity for making me feel like part of the group. These guys are funny as hell(not "Hell" hell, but perhaps a hell run by Benny Hill and Richard Pryor), check them out whenever you're in New York. Or whenever they're in your town. Check out their MySpace page to see some performance vids and find out about their upcoming shows.
Walkin' Off:
Well, the Nextel Cup race got rained out again. Tuesday will be the third attempt at running it. With only four races before the actual Chase for the Championship begins, look for some great racing, especially as the last 2 spots are decided(the cutoff is at 12th place). Also of note is the Little League World Series. While I'm still a bit conflicted about this event being televised, I can't help but love the energy and passion with which they play the game. For some, this will be Fantasy Draft Week, so to you all I say "good luck!" I'll keep you posted as I attempt to dominate the league here a 411. Okay, at least to look respectable. See you next week!!!! Let me leave you with a true "Feel Good" clip(really for the Mets fans out there):
