Used to run a few smaller wrestling sites and wrote 150-ish columns on general wrestling before specialising in tape reviewing dating back to 2001.
Other credits:
Quote:
"Knowledge is power, arm yourself"
History:
I saw my first wrestling match when I was about 5 years old. It was on the old ITV World of Sport and featured Big Daddy crushing some jobber. My grandmother was seriously into her wrestling and never missed a show. I didn't really click into the world of sports entertainment myself until years later when I started watching the WWF at my neighbours house in 1989. Even then it wasn't until 1992 when I really came around to cheering anyone in particular on. I personally hated Hulk Hogan, the Ultimate WOYAH~! and many other top ranking WWF stars of the time. It wasn't until Summerslam '92 and the Bret Hart-British Bulldog clash that I actually came around to considering myself a fan. I started watching WCW on ITV around the same time and quickly became a fan of Cactus Jack also. In 1995 I stepped up my efforts to follow wrestling actively and started watching RAW every week. Odd time to get seriously hooked on wrestling but I just really dug the whole Shawn Michaels storyline at the time. I joined the Internet community after Montreal and started writing the following year. I've been doing show reviews since 2001 and started attending UK wrestling events with great regularity in 2004.
Blog
I'm bored...come and play trivia with me - 10.14.2009
They have wrestling! And movies! You know you want to prove yourself against everyone else in the world.
The worst players in the Premier League. - 05.03.2009
Furious on Football
The worst players in the Premier League.
1. Fabricio Coloccini (Newcastle). The former Deportivo & Athletico Madrid defender cost the Magpies a whopping £10M in August 2008. Former boss Kevin Keegan felt he was the world class centre back that Newcastle needed to move up the table. On paper he should have been right and yet the Argentine International has made a catalogue of comedy blunders throughout the season. He’s been consistently Newcastle’s worst player, which takes some doing, and his mistakes have come in the wrong area of the field. When defenders make mistakes goals occur. Coloccini has been one of the main contributors to Newcastle’s dire league position.
2. Ryan Taylor (Newcastle). Steve Bruce must have been laughing all the way to the bank when Newcastle came in for Ryan Taylor in the January transfer window. Already a notorious ball-waster Taylor seemed to coast by on one sensational free-kick earlier in the season. Newcastle must have seen it because he ended up as makeweight in the deal that sent exciting winger Charles Insomnia (sic) to the JJB. Since arriving at Newcastle Taylor has established himself as the club’s dead ball specialist, which doesn’t say much for the rest of the squad as practically every free-kick and corner he’s taken has gone to the team in the other colours. Not only that he was responsible for some comical defending at the other end at one point chesting the ball straight to the opposition’s centre forward for an easy tap in. And people wonder why Newcastle are in the relegation zone?
3. John Pantsil (Fulham). The usually astute Roy Hodgson made a rather uninspiring double swoop from West Ham back in the summer when he recruited striker Bobby Zamora (who repaid him with 2 goals in 33 games) and this terrible right back for a combined £6.3M. It looked like bargain basement shopping at the time but the season has revealed just how costly buying on the cheap could have been if the team around them hadn’t punched way above it’s weight. Hodgson’s Fulham were a surprise success in the 08-09 season but one of the main contributors to their defensive failings was Pantsil. Every time Fulham ship a goal it seems to stem from something he’s done wrong. In particular his clanger against old club West Ham springs to mind where he handed DiMichele a tap in. Pants, indeed.
4. Alfonso Alves (Middlesbrough). It’s hard to imagine a more awful waste of money than Gareth Southgate’s £12M gamble on Brazilian striker Alves. He has actually, to my surprise, scored 10 times in 41 games for Boro and yet he could have at least tripled that figure if half his shots weren’t so damn appalling. For a man signed as a striker he seems to have no concept of where the goal is. Most of his shots end up somewhere in the crowd…on the sidelines. This is why I’m always dubious of prolific scorers in the Dutch leagues. Let’s face it; the defences aren’t too strong there. Alves netted 45 times in only 39 games for Heerenveen. A better standard of defences in England and after those defences were used to his erratic play saw him score just 4 goals in 19 games in his second season. And countless misses around that. Amazing to think he’s actually been capped by Brazil (8 times!) and even has an International goal. Terrible player.
5. Luke Moore (West Brom). I had a hard time selecting one of West Brom’s many bad players to fill the 5th spot. I think Moore is a special case for Albion as not only has he completely failed in his task (signed to add goals and Premier League experience) and only scored once in 17 games but Tony Mowbray, while not admitting his mistake, has spent the entire rest of his transfer fund on bringing in more strikers. Let’s face it; everyone saw this coming though. He was crap at Aston Villa and only got signed by Albion because they couldn’t afford someone better.
Furious on Film blog #5 - 04.02.2009
WILD HOGS (2007). You know what the worst thing about Hollywood is? Sometimes they feel the need to release films that appeal to the widest audience possible. More often than not by placing an actor usually associated with good films (William H Macy) into a film that’s a total piece of shit with cheap laughs. Michael Bay is one of the foremost directors of this “shit” genre. Step forward Walt Becker and Wild Hogs. Aiming to incorporate everything possible; love story, man movie, pratfall based comedy, various age groups. Wild Hogs has no artistic base. It has no reason for existing spare it’s potential gross. I enjoyed seeing Ray Liotta and I thought Peter Fonda was a nice touch in a bike movie but that just goes to show how much this film was made by people interested in marketing and not people interested in talent. John Travolta spends most of the film sending up his own image but Tim Allen & Martin Lawrence just go along with stereotypes they’ve created for themselves. Is anyone actually acting out here? Or am I reading too much into a totally disposable movie. Maybe I am. Hell, I enjoy a braindead comedy as much as anyone. I guess I just resent it when it’s not really in line with my sense of humour. Everything is so PC and safe and yet there they are; riding along without any kind of head protection. What would have made for an awesome movie would have been one of them dying in a wreck at the end instead of that stupid post-credits bit where they metaphorically castrate the only character I quite liked. Avoid *
FACE (1997). This is the British gangster movie that time forgot. Starring Robert Carlyle and Ray Winstone it also features Damon Albarn (from Blur & Gorillaz). A typical cockney blag affair it deals with four blokes robbing a warehouse where money is being transferred. They get away with an underwhelming £350,000. Originally the plan was to get £2 million. So someone gets greedy and steals everyone’s shares. But who is it? The plot is fairly predictable and sad to see Winstone & Carlyle being misused in such obvious roles. Face got a great review in NEON, which was my favourite film magazine at the time but somehow I never got around to watching it. It’s hard to see exactly what they thought was so good about it. A few years later Guy Ritchie came along with the slicker and more entertaining Lock, Stock. You really have to be a fan of the genre to enjoy Face’s mediocre approach. Some of the characters are ridiculously paper thin and the decisions the characters make towards the films conclusion are increasingly silly. I think it’s a pass but it was an entertaining one. **1/2.
WELCOME TO DONGMAKGOL (2005). This little known Korean film is a real charmer. During the Korean War three North Korean soldiers, two South Korean soldiers and an American airman meet up in a tiny mountain village. To begin with the war comes with them and they hate each other but as time progresses they begin to work together. Its not a war film in the conventional sense. The innocent villagers are confused as to why hand grenades are dangerous. “Did they paint an potato?” The film has a lot of easy going small village humour as a result. As a piece of cinema is just gently washes over the viewer. Were it not for the heavy messages involved it would be like Allo Allo in Asia. Thankfully that’s not the case and we don’t forget death and horror in the midst of all the lighthearted good natured fun. ***1/2.
MY NAME IS BRUCE (2009). Bruce Campbell has had a fun, albeit underwhelming, career and he’s not afraid to make fun of himself in the name of entertainment. My Name is Bruce sees the big-chinned adventure hero playing himself. While making the movie Cavealien 2 he gets kidnapped by Jeff (Taylor Sharpe) who’s his biggest fan. Jeff has accidentally unleashed an evil demon, and patron saint of Bean Curd, which he feels can only be put in its place by Bruce Campbell. He’s also convinced the entire town this is the case. So when Bruce arrives he’s treated as a celebrity AND a conquering general. Campbell naturally doesn’t live up to expectations but does deliver an assortment of snappy one-liners. Campbell hasn’t had a chance to play a character this witty since Army of Darkness! After a slightly slow beginning I found myself chuckling away as Bruce is oblivious to the peril he’s in and its afterwards when he’s realised that the film gets even funnier. As if the danger brings out the actual hero Bruce inside of Bruce Campbell, the actor. There’s a line in My Name is Bruce that goes something like this…”If I don’t make it out of there alive I want to remember…I’ll never forgive you for bringing me here”. There are few actors who can sincerely go from melodrama to deadpan comedy and still be serious about it but Bruce delivers that performance in spades here. While it’s not a brilliant film it’s a B-movie tribute to one of B-movies greatest stars. ***1/2.
HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY (2008). Guillermo del Toro isn’t exactly my favourite director. Most of his movies are way over rated by the general public. And most of them are nowhere near as gritty and entertaining as his best film; Pan’s Labyrinth. Hellboy II is no exception. The light-hearted beginings of the film are highly reminiscent of Men in Black. Although he does get the pacing right in the early going and the first hour just breezes by with one action scene leading to another. It all makes good logical sense. Then the film kinda loses it’s way and struggles along with some relationship stuff (the Abe Sapien love angle was a reach for me) before the eventual conclusion. I didn’t care for Luke Goss as the bad guy. Mainly because he’s not a particularly good actor but also because the character is so lame. One of these joyless, dedicated people who usually channel such emotions into being doctors or something else of use. Not really the kind of people who aim to take over the world. I half liked the movie. Ron Perlman is still perfect for the role, I missed David Hyde-Pierce’s voice and I really missed John Hurt. That was made very clear after his fun appearance at the start of the film in a flashback. I rated the first film at two stars. I think this was a little better because the characters are already introduced and ready to roll but the second half of this film is such a drag I don’t think I could watch it again. Still it is visually tasty on such a relatively small budget. **1/2.
LOVE AND A .45 (1994). From the time where Tarantino-esque films were everywhere this is one that got largely overlooked. It has a decent script and some fine one liner's, especially from nutball Rory Cochrane (of Dazed & Confused/Empire Records fame). The inexperience of director CM Talkington (who's looks about 12) eventually hurts the film and it's meandering plot. It's a film about a couple on the run from the law so obviously Natural Born Killers, released not long afterwards, is the main comparison. It lacks Stone's energy behind the camera although both Gil Bellows and a young Renee Zellweger are entertaining in front of the camera. An interesting watch but it doesn't really achieve much and won't go down in history as anything more than another Tarantino knock off in a decade full of them. **1/2
THE HAPPENING (2008). M. Night Shyamalan has to be the most underfire filmmaker in the world right now. His downturn in quality after a startling debut with Sixth Sense has been quite alarming. This peaked with Lady in the Water although his previous movie The Village was also terrible. Trailers for the Happening looked awesome though. So I was quite happy to sit down and watch. Only to discover all the good bits were in the trailer. And there’s nothing more annoying than a film that promises so much and delivers so little. Especially when it comes from a GREAT idea. But everything that’s cool from the trailer encapsulates the film, even the stuff that makes no sense (“we lost contact”) while the rest of the movie is mostly filler. There’s one cool scene with John Leguizamo and Zooey Deschanel does well with a limited character but so much of the film comes up short it has to go down a disappointment. At least M. Night avoided giving himself a really hideous cameo (the one in the Village was just embarrassing) and an irritating former child actor get blown away. **.
VANTAGE POINT (2008). If you like 24, you’ll enjoy this. Loaded with improbable plot twists and multiple cliffhangers as the perspective of the viewer shifts from one character to another it’s very much like the popular TV show. The first half of the movie spends a long but enjoyable amount of time setting up the finale from each characters perspective. You basically get 75% of the story, then the same 75% from someone else’s “Vantage Point”. Then once everyone is in place we get a wicked car chase as the film hurtles towards it’s conclusion. It is completely ridiculous, easily on a par with 24’s more ludicrous plot points, but a hell of a lot of fun. The time delays between various events cause huge continuity errors as you move from one story to the next but only one (where events that take place several minutes apart are condensed to 3 seconds) is glaringly obvious. I didn’t entirely buy into the plot but I did have a laugh watching Vantage Point. ***
ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA & AMERICA (1997). This is the 6th film in the “Once Upon a Time in China” series, which dates back to 1991. After starring in the first few films Jet Li left the franchise but here he returns along with series regular Rosamund Kwan. Bucking the trend for the Once Upon series we head out to the Wild West where Jet Li loses his memory and gets adopted by Native Americans. The film has the usual array of tremendous action sequences highlighted by Jet Li’s showdown with friend Seven (Xin Xin Xiong). However director Sammo Hung makes some bizarre decisions and allows all manner of crap to appear in the film. The lack of bad guy means Jet Li has no big final fight ahead of him and the acting of the American parts is nothing short of shocking. Stuntman Jeff Wolfe has the biggest role but he’s arguably the best actor among a poor cast. Like any Jet Li film there’s sufficient martial arts antics to keep things interesting but unlike his best films it doesn’t play a major part in the plot. Really disappointing outing. Its not even as good as Shanghai Noon…and I hate Owen Wilson. *1/2.
LAKEVIEW TERRACE (Dir – Neil LaBute 2008). Most of the reviews have accused Samuel L. Jackson of playing the same character in every film but I really enjoyed him in Black Snake Moan. I thought that was his best performance since Pulp Fiction, personally. Lakeview Terrace…less so. The situation escalates at an alarming rate and I can’t relate to any of the central characters regardless of the three fine actors who play them. I’m particularly fond of both Patrick ‘Nite Owl’ Wilson and Kerry Washington. Wilson’s character makes accidental mistakes that enrage his new neighbour. If he’d been more considerate perhaps the situation would not have occurred. Kerry meanwhile is so desperate for something to do that she forces her husband’s hand on their future family plans. I don’t agree with what either of them did but I can understand that. Sam Jackson’s nutball copper on the other hand. Well, the character is extreme to say the least. He’s ok until he crosses the line then he’s off into cartoon supervillainy. It’s a thin blue line! Not a bad thriller but perhaps too lengthy at 110 minutes and Jackson has run his short fuse approach into the ground now, surely. I love the mushroom cloud layin’ motherfucker but perhaps there are alternatives. **.
Thoughts on the weekend - 03.22.2009
Box Office.
Shocked at Watchmen's fall off this week. #5 with only $6.7M. I personally had Watchmen for $10-12M this weekend. I thought estimates of $9M was just in shock at how badly it performed second weekend. Well third weekend was even worse. Watchmen's poor performance in foreign markets pretty much guarantees it won't re-claim it's enormous $150M budget. It's liable to fall even more next week when Monsters Vs Aliens comes out. I knew Watchmen had a limited market but I expected more people to see it multiple times. But it doesn't seem to have caught the public's imagination like Dark Knight did. Plus it has no recogniseable lead, which I'm sure hurts it. Afterall, when a movie clocks in at $150M on the budget front that usually guarantees the audience at least one star name or someone they recognise. Mel Gibson would have made a killer Comedian btw.
Football.
Well Aston Villa sure looked awful at Anfield. True, Liverpool were pretty much unbeatable but Villa could have least made themselves hard to play against. Rather than stretch play and pretend they're a big club. Newsflash: you haven't won shit in 13 years and are not likely to either! In actual major trophies you've not won anything since 1982! As an Evertonian I'm fully aware of how out of touch we are to the top clubs and were under no illusion of being better than Liverpool when we finished 4th. Villa fans seem to have their heads in the clouds somewhat. Rush and blood and all that! Hopefully this result will bring them back to Earth. 5th is the best you can hope for and another season in the UEFA Cup...the one you weren't interested in this year. Oops. Meanwhile Gareth Barry is clearing off...if anyone wants to pay the overinflated fee of £16-18M for him (yeah, right). There's another one of your own you can boo next season. I'm sure him and Gabby will be thrilled at the prospect of lining up for you overachievers.
Man Utd losing at Fulham.
Holy shit. How? Fulham can defend. Thats it. You can't possibly concede twice against Fulham! Meanwhile Rooney & Ronaldo lose the plot. All the anger in the world can't make up for a fall off in quality. Speaking of which, I see Berbatov went missing in a competitive game again. Big shock. I can't believe this is the same side people were tipping to win the quintuple! Just because they beat an improving Spurs side, on pens no less, for the Carling Cup. Porto might be a lucky draw but if you play like that you'll lose again! Same goes for the title race. It'll be Liverpool v Chelski if you're not careful. Perhaps this is the kick up the arse they needed.
Furious on Film Blog #4 - 02.25.2009
THE DARK HOUR (2006). La Hora Fria or the “Cold Hour” as it’s known in Spain. Another in a line of new Spanish horror films. Or rather in this case; futuristic sci-fi. Set in a post apocalyptic world it follows 8 year old Jesus (Omar Munoz) and eight other survivors who live underground. They spend their days scavenging and avoiding the Strangers (zombies) who can infect you with a mere touch and their nights in darkness avoiding the Invisibles (ghosts). I dig low budget sci-fi anyway but the Dark Hour really captured my imagination. It’s a great script and a decent effort from Elio Quiroga. For fans of the genre it’s well worth a look. See it before they ruin it with a Hollywood re-make! ***1/2.
IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH (2007). Paul Haggis really leapt into the limelight with Crash but I think this is perhaps a bigger achievement. After all it’s never easy to follow up on a big film like Crash with so much expectation. In the Valley of Elah was written as a Clint Eastwood vehicle but Tommy Lee Jones is SO good filling in for him. Rightfully Oscar nominated he dominates the screen revelling in the opportunity to show different emotions. It’s kinda weird he had this and No Country for Old Men the same year. Both times he’s playing an aging law man (retired in this film) who is searching for the truth. The ending is a little on the disappointing side but seeing as it was based on a true story I figure they went with what happened. I enjoyed the investigation aspects and Charlize Theron was fine in support. Great performance from Tommy Lee Jones though. World class. ****.
DUKES OF HAZZARD (2005). I initially avoided this but then later realised it was from Jay Chandrasekhar of Broken Lizard. And that’s the main fun of Dukes of Hazzard…watching out for Broken Lizard cameos. Kevin Heffernan has a decent sized role but the rest are just cameos. The film itself is pretty thin. I liked the car chases for the most part but the cast were out of place. Jessica Simpson has no business acting, I don’t care how good she looks. Johnny Knoxville looked totally out of place. Burt Reynolds was terrible. Maybe the Broken Lizard guys should stick to making their own movies. I enjoy them. They have a fanbase. Dukes of Hazzard is pretty vacuous but does have a lot of fine car chases and it does have tits. There’s not much to recommend. It appeals to a lot of base ideals and rightly so. It did decent at the box office because of that. But it could have been more tongue in cheek and had a better script. The gags are fine…but the plot isn’t. The stuff with the confederate flag is well done but that’s about it. I guess it all comes down to the basic miscasting. I was probably right to pass on it first time around. *.
[REC] (2007). Handheld horror is nothing new. When the Blair Witch Project hit cinemas in the late 90’s the world was captivated by the possibility of being in the action. Although it suffered badly from a huge wave of post-hype unpopularity the die had been cast. Turns out Blair Witch was just years ahead of it’s time. Looking back the film is edgy and entertaining and despite the weak ending delivers on it’s promise. Now we have the next generation of handheld movies. Hell even Romero is getting into it with Diary of the Dead and we’ve had our first big budget handheld in the form of Cloverfield. But for my money [Rec] is the best handheld horror movie to date. Intensely claustrophobic and relentlessly scary [Rec] puts you in a trap. And you’re there in the building with the reporter and the rest of the emergency forces and the residents. You’re behind the camera seeing everything. And reacting. And unlike American releases in the same genre it doesn’t feel like the intent was to create a computer game visually. Maybe it’s the cynic in me but I felt they were all fucked as soon as the cops sealed the building off but that didn’t stop the surprises coming and [Rec] is a well handled horror film. The shot down the stairwell near the end is perfect and just demonstrates the rising level of terror. It barely creeps over an hour but the pacing makes it feel like 15 minutes. Great stuff. ****.
SHOOTER (2007). Shooter is like watching an updated version of Rambo/Commando. Mark Wahlberg plays an insanely gifted sniper who’s hell bent on revenge after being set up by the US government. It’s decent stuff from director Antoine Fuqua (Training Day, although he’s not made a good movie since). The film largely fails because of two curious performances from the bad guys. Nutjob Elias Koteas gives a totally uneven performance as the henchman. I’m not even sure what he was aiming for or why high ranking government officials would keep a psychopath around for. Or indeed why his character, largely unprovoked, degenerates into a babbling whacko for the final scenes. Also Danny Glover delivers an unusual performance where he adds a lisp to make his cut and dry bad guy more complicated. I also hate Wahlberg’s character name; Bob Lee Swagger. So his parents christened him Bob? Not Robert? Ok, whatever floats your boat. Like I said at the top though it’s decent stuff with enough gunfire and explosions to keep you interested. I have no problems with derivative no brainer movies as long as they deliver in the fun stakes and this does. **1/2
UNTRACEABLE (2008). Poor Gregory Hoblit. Once the director of fine and interesting films like Fallen or even Fracture last year. Now reduced to a Saw knock-off whose only redeeming feature is Colin Hanks. The characters are all idiots and the plot is ridiculous. The ‘bad guy’ is a joke and the film should have been called Unfeasible. Because it is. And it’s preachy. I hate this movie. *
NAKED WEAPON (2002). A star vehicle for Maggie Q. Short on thrills, dialogue and acting ability (thanks, Daniel Wu) but heavy on bad CGI and an inconsistent script. It throws laughs in for no apparent reason (trying to be like Jackie Chan) and they always seem out of place. The dialogue is truly appalling. Especially Daniel Wu’s voice over/exposition. Maggie Q is pretty enough to keep an audience interested but she’s not talented enough as a martial artist to make it as entertaining as a Jet Li or Jackie Chan feature. The action is sporadic in intensity. Sometimes strong (like the cage fight for survival) and yet sometimes hugely disappointing (like the cliché heavy showdown with rival Jewel Lee). Great idea, three deadly female assassins in conflict with the authorities, the mob and each other, but horrible execution. Director Siu-Tung Ching seems clueless despite his back catalogue that includes Chinese Ghost Story. His cheap CGI looks out of place and combined with some poor acting it doesn’t make the grade even as a low-budget actioner. The final fight is an insult to not only the viewer’s intelligence but their tenacity at sitting through the rest of the movie. *1/2.
JUMPER (2008). Erm, where’s the ending? Where’s the part where people’s journey’s are complete? Is the intention to release a series of these? I hope not because the formula and the thrill wore off pretty quickly. It’s gotten a lot of hatred for some reason. Perhaps because it never really achieves anything and most of the actors are bad. I just found it to be mediocre and forgettable. Doug Liman, what happened man? **.
WARRIOR KING (2005). Aka “The Protector” in the USA. Tony Jaa’s follow up to Ong-Bak sees him distributing justice via flying knees and kicks to the head. There’s one little moment in the airport where he walks into Jackie Chan (well, a double but it looks like him). That was very cool. But the plot to this is ridiculous. An escalating level of bad guys sees Jaa battle against scum and villany as he tries to recover his elephant from criminals in Australia. Everything outside of Jaa’s impressive fight scenes is amateur hour. From the TV anchorman/woman who can’t even speak English properly in Sydney to the “he-she” bad guy-girl to the ugly CGI to the enormous restaurant (literally five stories high) that serves endangered species to the heavy handling of all of this it’s a joke. Nowhere near as gritty and entertaining as Ong-Bak. The fight scenes are worth seeing as Jaa is on his impressive usual form. One scene sees him double knee a bad guy off the underside of a helicopter and another gets double kneed through a glass door. The stunts are amazing but Jaa seriously needs to learn English and work with some better directors. **1/2.
ROCKNROLLA (2008). I had written Guy Ritchie off. And after the double whammy of Swept Away and Revolver I don’t think I’m the only one would did so. But that didn’t mean I wanted him gone for good. After all the man produced two quite excellent cockney crime capers in 1998’s Lock, Stock and 2000’s Snatch. Ritchie was so successful that practically every British film maker attempted to copy his work. After all the majority of British crime movies, a genre previously dominated by Long Good Friday and it’s assorted copycats, have paid homage to Ritchie’s vision. To see him back on form and making a film that’s not only good but very nearly great is an absolute thrill. I was skeptical, I must admit. Even with good reviews I was thinking…but Guy Ritchie is over. Seems not only Americans like the comeback kid. The eclectic casting is kinda weird with 300’s Gerard Butler in the lead but also everyone from Geoff Bell to Jimi Mistry to Thandie Newton in support. Not to mention Tom Wilkinson who plays his part to perfection and Toby Kebbell who has a breakout performance (not to mention, again, Mark Strong who’s brilliant). While not quite having the raw passion of his earlier films its clinical and professional and both interesting and topical. Thumbs up Guy, hope you don’t fuck up Sherlock Holmes! ****
LUST, CAUTION (2007). I like Ang Lee. It’s rare for an Asian director to make the crossover and produce something that’s not only popular (Brokeback) but also gets into the mix at the big awards ceremonies. Lust, Caution seems a bit of a step back for the director though. Back into his native tongue and into Chinese period drama. The film is frustrating and thrilling in equal parts. The tension building between the leads (Tony Leung & Wei Tang) is palpable but for too long in the run time they’re not the centre of attention. Too much time is spent with Wei Tang infiltrating the upper class way of life and slowly getting closer and closer to Mr Yee (Leung). Lee just overdoes it and Lust, Caution is overblown rather than complex. Tony Leung & Wei Tang both turn in solid lead performances but ultimately I found the film to be disappointing. And it was reaching for emotions rather than waiting for them to arrive. Although there’s no way I’d call Lust, Caution rushed at 150 minutes long. Leung actually improves his star quality channelling Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris for his one scene with Tang and the sex is fairly graphic without being pornographic. Technically it’s fine and it’s so close to being good as a storyline too. Just not quite. ***.
STREET KINGS (2008). Imagine what LA Confidential would have been like had Curtis Hanson opted to dumb down the storyline somewhat and replaced Russell Crowe with better known Keanu Reeves to appease the studio. That’s this movie! The young punk kid looking to make a rep for himself in a corrupt force is played by Chris Evans instead of Guy Pearce. The parallels are there with LA Confidential with both coming from the pen of James Ellroy. And it feels like an Ellroy book brought to life. But its just not LA Confidential, damn it. The cast is really strong though featuring Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie, Jay Mohr, Terry Crews and John Corbett. One would suspect several of the performers came onboard thinking they were about to be in the next LA Confidential. However Canoe is never going to turn in a Russell Crowe level acting performance even if it is nice to see him play against his usual “whoa” type. His brooding alcoholic hitman cop on the edge Tom Ludlow is one of his best characters in years. And Street Kings is enormous fun. Lots of shootouts and a basic whodunnit plot that weaves all over the place before eventually ending up exactly where you expect in the opening few minutes. I went in with low expectations and I had a blast. I’ve been describing it as a low-rent LA Confidential to get other people to see it so that’s my tip for you folks too. ***1/2.
Jessica Biel - 02.25.2009
Terrible actress...great ass.
Furious on Film Blog 3 - 01.19.2009
Furious on Film Blog 3
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA (2006). I watched this because Vinny Chase is in it. Sorry, Adrian Grenier, but aren’t they interchangeable these days? He’s actually the best thing about it playing a down-to-earth chef who can see all the other characters for what they are; shallow at best. His girlfriend, played by Anne Hathaway, is the central character and thinks like this to begin with but is far too easily corrupted by hateful magazine editor Miranda (Meryl Streep). By the time she finally figures out that she’s been twisted by the evil world of fashion but has learned some powerful life lessons I’m noticing the far smarter Grenier character sorted that out over an hour earlier. Just because it’s a chick flick doesn’t mean it has to dumb down the entire world. This is a failure at best. *1/2
FLUSHED AWAY (2006). This came as quite the shock; an animated film that doesn’t come from Pixar and still was successful at hitting it’s target audience…everyone. The gags come thick and fast from Aardman studios (those responsible for Wallace & Gromitt). Often poking fun at movie conventions like flashbacks and voice-overs and referencing other famous movies at a terrific rate. The voice cast is passable but it’s the writing that’s such a joy. Although there were ELEVEN writers to come up with the eclectic references. Normally I go into animated films that don’t come from Pixar with pretty low expectations. Bully to Aardman for exceeding them once again. Way better than their previous non-Wallace effort Chicken Run. ***1/2
HEAD (1968). I was always a big Monkees fan as a kid. The re-runs of the TV show used to run at the weekend and I’d sit there in front of the TV checking them out. Always had a blast. However by the time the TV show’s run expired creator Bob Rafelson had seen enough. He just wanted to kill his own creation and do it in spectacular fashion. Head is the Monkees movie. Written by Jack Nicholson it’s a surreal documentary, war movie, boxing film about a band that doesn’t play it’s own songs, gets critqued by Frank Zappa and begins at the end. Or vice versa. It’s like being on acid for 86 minutes. At times it falls into pretentiousness and probably takes itself too seriously but it is a hell of a way to end the Monkees sensation! ***.
THE MAN IN THE WHITE SUIT (1951). I do like Ealing comedies. Naturally I think Kind Hearts and Coronets will never be bettered but it’s worth looking around at some of the lesser films they produced. Especially with all the Alec Guinness movies available. This is one of his and it’s also directed by Sweet Smell of Success & Ladykillers helmsman Alexander MacKendrick. This was only his second film and lacks the discipline and pacing of his later features. Guinness is very good as the inventor of a fabric that cannot be damaged and repels dirt. When he tries to market it however he discovers that no-one wants it! The mill industry in particular who hound him in the streets while he runs away in his white suit made of his unbreakable fabric. A farce with limited ammunition it struggles to pass over the hour mark and doesn’t have a great deal to say beyond workers & employers often have similar goals in the class struggle. Interesting also to note Michael “Batman’s butler” Gough in an early role. ***1/2.
SLEUTH (1972). Putting on a film where there are basically two characters and it lasts over 2 hours is a huge challenge. And you need big actors to fill those boots. Step forward Laurence Olivier and Michael Caine. This is the acting equivalent of fencing. The opening act is a bit of a drag but a neccessity, the second act ludicrous but third act is where it all comes together. Who’s bluffing who? Who’s fooling who? It’s a war of attrition! Olivier nearly tanks the whole thing with his usual array of overacting and Caine himself has a pop during the film’s climax but it doesn’t take the lustre off a very well crafted story. I imagine it would play exceptionally on stage where it was born. This was yet another Michael Caine re-make in 2007 with Caine taking over the older role and Jude Law, not for the first time, subbing for Caine in the junior role. And for once it’s a re-make I would agree with as long as they don’t keep the ludicrous second act. I’ve not seen it so I don’t know if they made that decision. ***1/2.
HONDO (1953). Apparently this was John Wayne’s favourite movie he starred in. Which seems a little odd because the message of it is unclear and Wayne’s character is a real mess. Hondo is a renegade gunman who befriends a boy and his mom in Apache country. After killing her husband he then takes his place and basically steals a family. I thought he was a shade less likeable than usual. Wayne is always quick to quip and put a woman/man/dog/Injun in it’s place but it’s usually with a little more charm. Like in say True Grit where he genuinely seems to care about the girl he’s travelling with. Here the love element seems really forced. Still Al Bundy says it’s the ultimate guy movie and those are some immediate and important credentials. I’d sooner be watching the Searchers or the Man Who Shot Liberty Valance again. ***.
LA VIE EN ROSE (2007). Marion Cottilard is superb in this. She’s up there with Joaquin Phoenix in Walk the Line and Jamie Foxx in Ray. She becomes Edith Piaf. It’s by far her best performance so far and should propel her to bigger and better things. However the film is a horribly disjointed mess that stumbles backwards and forwards in time rarely ever doing what it sets out to do. The one upside of sitting through 140 minutes of it is that Cottilard gets better and better and better and the film ends at a thematic high rather than an timeline ending with her big comeback and the inevitable performance of “No Regrets”. It sums the whole movie up and indeed her whole life. ***.
WANTED (2008). I’ve read the Mark Millar graphic novel and I considered it to be a very strong piece of work. Although when I heard that only a few characters actually made the crossover and it was an adaptation in name only I must admit I was quite disappointed. I liked the concept presented in “Wanted”. I would have loved to have seen it as a movie but the studio probably figured it was a bit nerdy and wanted to make it an action film instead. Fair enough. The action is great because Timur Bekmambetov is great with his visuals. The train crash is ace and the driving scenes are terrific. Plus the scene where James McAvoy kills his way through dozens and dozens of armed guards is groovy. It’s dumb and the new plot points (the loom of fate anyone?) are stupid but it’s harmless fun and one of those fine ‘remove brain’ movies. ***1/2.
BROOKLYN RULES (2007). If there’s ever been a director that’s ripped off Martin Scorsese’s style but not gotten good enough actors to play the roles it’s this guy; Michael Corrente the director of Brooklyn Rules. Imagine Goodfellas only with Ray Liotta & Joe Pesci replaced by Freddie Prinze Jr & Scott Caan. Prinze in particular fails spectacularly to cover himself in glory and turns in a lousy performance. It’s all pretty derivative and the actors don’t match up to the ambitious, albeit total Scorsese rip off, script. Alec Baldwin is the one exception and he doesn’t get anywhere near enough screen time. I love the genre and I’m a huge Scorsese fan but this doesn’t do it for me at all. **.
POM POKO (1994). What the hell is going on here? A bunch of transforming racoons with huge testicles battle humanity to stop them building on their woods. It’s about the most fucked up thing to come out of the Ghibli studio in Japan. Sad for Isao Takahata that he feels the need to resort to something so heavy handed after his excellent debut with Grave of the Fireflies. Pom Poko comes over as OTT and not in a good way like Hayao Miyazaki’s work. Takahata would be better off sticking to his more realistic films. ***.
THX 1138 (1971). I always thought I’d seen THX 1138 until I saw a clip on a show a few weeks back and realised I hadn’t. Robert Duvall is really good in the lead and Donald Pleasance is entertaining too. The car chase at the film’s conclusion has been spruced up by George Lucas to make it play to a more visual interested audience but it stands out against the rest of the stuff earlier in the film. If you’re looking for a comparison to something modern it plays like The Island up the point where Ewen McGregor finds out there’s an outside world and it’s fine. That’s the entire of THX 1138. It’s certainly weird and more cerebral than Star Wars but if there’s ever a director who’s benefitted substantially from dumbing down his ideas, based on this, it’s George Lucas. ***.
STALKER (1979). I must be nuts to go and see this film from Russian heavyweight Andrei Tarkovsky. At 155 minutes the majority of the film features characters walking somewhere. In one scene a man walks through a tunnel for ten minutes with about two lines of dialogue. The tension eventually got to me but it took about 90 minutes for me to get into the film. The idea is that aliens had created a room in an area called “The Zone”. If you enter the room you gain your deepest desire. An interesting concept but one that Tarkovsky was more interested in the humanity of rather than the possibilities of what the room could do. Less sci-fi and more philisophy. Stalker is really not recommended for general consumption but if you ever caught Solaris you’d enjoy this as well. ***1/2.
THE NEW WORLD (2005). One thing about Terry Malick is he sure can shoot a beautiful looking picture. The New World is one of the most visually attractive films, to feature no CGI, shot in the last decade. Unfortunately Malick didn’t want to end the experience with the visual side of things, which he could have done. He hired some good actors to play the major roles (Colin Farrell, Christian Bale, Christopher Plummer and the debuting Q'orianka Kilcher as Pocahontas) and could have just let them get on with it. But his interferring in the edit suite is nothing short of frustrating. The irriating voice-over and overlapping voice-overs from the main characters. Profoundly frustrating stuff. And the insistence on inserting jump cuts in such inappropriate places. I assume he does it to keep the audience unbalanced but the combination of this and the VO just grinded at me. The result comes off as a pretentious and overbearing. And above all; frustrating. Why can’t he just take his shots and leave them looking gorgeous and have it at that? After all he shot a movie with no artificial lighting, which is a huge achievement. And it shows! And there’s that voice over again…damn it. ***
THE WRESTLER (2008). There are many reasons for a wrestling fan to love this movie. Whether it’s spotting cameos (from Ron Killings to Claudio Castagnoli) to getting to see Necro Butcher have a match with Mickey Rourke. Or Darren Aronovsky quite happily blowing the industry apart by showing blading and using an assortment of inside terms. I can just see Vince McMahon’s face. I’d pay to see Vince’s reaction to seeing this movie in fact. Especially when he realises one of his wrestlers is in it. But it’s not just the light stuff that’s entertaining. It’s knowing people like Randy Robinson and knowing what they’ve suffered. I think this is going to be a movie that hits a lot of wrestlers harder than the audience. The stuff with the daughter is practically Jake The Snake from Beyond the Mat. Rourke himself is a pleasure to watch. He’s been there. A former boxer with a disfigured face he’s lived that life. Seeing him reduced to working a deli counter at the supermarket is really sad and yet he still gets pleasure out of it until someone recognises him. He’s a fun loving guy but like a lot of 80’s party animals he’s had such trouble letting go that the chance to let go of that life went by. He’s become detached to the rest of the world hanging out in strip clubs, gyms and bars because it’s all he knows. And Rourke just IS that guy. He’s out of touch and yet streetwise. He’s got nothing to live for and yet he’s beloved by millions. Rourke plays him as a walking contradiction who’s taken one pill too many and wrestled one barbwire match too many. He deserves all the accolades in the world for pulling off a hard job and what made it worthwhile for me was at the end I was getting chills down my spine. When he mounted the turnbuckles to do his “Ram Jam” finisher I felt like I’d been watching this guy wrestle my whole life and this was his last hurrah. And I was marking out for it. *****.
Furious film blog #2 - 12.10.2008
THE GOLDEN COMPASS (2007). $180M doesn’t go too far these days huh? The Golden Compass has passable CGI, which is at times not that great. I’m thinking about Nicole Kidman’s ugly fucking monkey. Plus we’re well aware this isn’t an entire story but the first part of a trilogy but this isn’t Lord of the Rings. Just showing us a story that has no ending is pretty retarded. Even Star Wars had an ending! And the Golden Compass wants to be LOTR so bad. It just isn’t. The acting is universally average and this is a big disappointment. **1/2.
CHEECH & CHONG’S NEXT MOVIE (1980). It says something about the Golden Compass that I saw both these movies the same day and I got more out of this one. I’d never actually seen Next Movie because it lacks a certain linear storyline. It’s kinda a bunch of skits thrown together BUT Cheech Marin has so much fun playing Red Mendoza that it elevates it to another level. Yeah, it has the same level of stupidity that plagues even the best C&C movies (like Stacey Keach turning into a lizard in Nice Dreams) that suggests the whole movie was written under the influence but I got a lot of laughs out of it putting it on a par, almost, with Up in Smoke. ***1/2.
THE EYE (2002). Not the remake. Can’t say I’m a big Pang Brothers fan having seen the incredibly mediocre Bangkok Dangerous. The Eye surprised me. It had a Sixth Sense vibe for about an hour with her having trouble coming to terms with seeing dead people and then they drop a bomb of a revelation and the film goes to another level. A far, far better movie from the Pang’s. Moderately scary and not the same predictable J-horror approach that I was expecting. ***1/2.
BLACULA (1972). I’ve not seen very much in the way of blaxploitation movies and the ones I have seen aren’t very good. Apart from Shaft. And to a lesser extent Coffy. So I thought I’d check out this ridiculous, but funky, 70’s blaxploitation horror. As a horror it’s mediocre but there are so many FUCKED UP afro’s in this movie it’s almost impossible to hate it. **1/2.
LAYER CAKE (2004). This is the movie that made Daniel Craig. He’d appeared in plenty of things before Layer Cake but it was the film that caught the eye of the Bond producers. He looked like he enjoyed holding a gun. Layer Cake is a good modern British crime caper in the Snatch/Lock Stock oeuvre. Plus it’s better than Guy Ritchie’s other pretenders because Danny Dyer isn’t in it. However the whole plot does rather hinge on whether you believe Sienna Miller is attractive enough to confuse XXXX’s usual calm way of thinking. And frankly, she isn’t. I don’t get the appeal. Why’s she famous anyway? Oh yeah, she fucked Jude Law. Maybe his untalentedness is sexually transmitted. Apart from her I really liked it. ***1/4.
NATIONAL TREASURE 2: BOOK OF SECRETS (2007). I swear Nic Cage is actually going out of his way to make movies that suck. His last five live action movies has him at 0-5 since his last winner, and I wasn’t a particularly big fan of it, World Trade Center in 2006. In case you were wondering those failures are, in order of release, Wicker Man, Next, National Treasure 2, Ghost Rider and Bangkok Dangerous. The first National Treasure was a passable blockbuster, which made decent use of Nic Cage and his supporting cast. But this is just a weak Indiana Jones/Batman (as in the Adam West one when facing the Riddler) character rip-off combined with plot theft from the Last Crusade, among other adventuring movies. Helen Mirren, Ed Harris, Jon Voight and Harvey Keitel are quite spectacularly wasted. As if toys of a rich kid who doesn’t know how to play with them. Much worse than the first film and even Da Vinci Code. SOOO many plot holes and factual errors. Awful. And completely ridiculous. *
SCREAM BLACULA SCREAM (1973). These two came as a duel pack so I had to check out the sequel too. I’m glad that I did. William Marshall returns as Blacula after a voodoo priest brings him back to life. This time he seems less concerned with finding a woman who looks like his long dead wife and instead opts for forming a group of vampires. The addition of Pam Grier to the cast helps matters and there are a tonne of FUCKED UP afro’s in this film too. The movie is all as over the top as the haircuts with funky 70’s clothing and music. ***.
QUILLS (2000). The overacting in this one is quite sensational. Not so much from Kate Winslet, who’s really good, or Michael Caine or even Geoffrey Rush who finds a new brand of ham for his portrayal of the Marquis de Sade. Nope, its Joaquin Phoenix on inspiringly awful form as a priest. The last five minutes of the film are cringeworthy in general his performance was very disappointing. Somewhat pompous Quills takes a lot of easy gags but the dialogue is still pretty solid. The film has it’s moments, the play is terrific and de Sade’s writing a book in blood on his clothes provokes one of the best scenes in the film plus the eventual riot caused by his words near the end. Basically when Geoffrey Rush is having fun it’s more entertaining. ***
THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977). Wes Craven seems to have an enormous reputation for a guy whose early movies aren’t very good. Last House on the Left is really over rated and Hills Have Eyes is too. It’s like Deliverance…only stupid. Craven’s best work remains Nightmare on Elm Street and to a lesser extent his re-invention of the slasher franchise with Scream. The more I think about Craven’s back catalogue the more I think his reputation is largely made up. Two good stabs at slasher movies does not a great career make. And he made Vampire in Brooklyn. **.
THE WIZ (1978). Because how many movies can you see where Michael Jackson plays a Scarecrow and Richard Pryor the Wizard of Oz. Unfortuntely Diana Ross is cast as Dorothy (playing a 14 year old girl at age 33) and eats up most of the screentime…pretty unconvincingly. Jackson is a surprising highlight about 30 minutes in. Kinda makes you annoyed at how he’s pissed his talent away. Don’t get wrong…some fine music over the years from the Prince of Pop but he’s a total loon. Pryor meanwhile defines “paycheck movie” in the Wiz. If he knew what was going on he clearly didn’t care. But hey, I don’t blame him. *
FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS (1943). I was a big fan of the Ernest Hemmingway novel. I’m surprised I didn’t get around to this movie sooner. But I’m kinda glad I didn’t watch it earlier or I’d have been disappointed. Some of the characters hit and both Gary Cooper and Ingrid Bergman are fine, albeit not ideal, as the two leads. But the removal of the politics from the film (there’s no mention whatsoever of General Franco) guts the heart from it and turns it into a romantic tragedy instead of a war movie. It’s not a bad film but it’s a great book and this doesn’t do it justice. Hemmingway himself disliked the film and its easy to see why. Although some of the drama and tension remains. Hit & miss. ***
THE VILLAGE (2004). I’ve been putting off seeing any M. Night movies since Signs because of the bad reviews. Reviews aren’t always right but they’re a pretty good guide and while I like Signs, Unbreakable and Sixth Sense there is a feeling that Night’s movies are getting progressively worse. The biggest fault in the Village is that there’s never a sense of danger. As soon as you see the “creatures” from the woods there’s a feeling there’s no threat. Even when there was a threat I was sitting back thinking “yeah, but it’s still just a guy in a suit”. Not like Freddy Krueger or the Alien or the Predator. Where the character of the stalker is so intense and well structured that there is reason to fear. No such thing in the Village. Just an offbeat romance between a very solid Joaquin Phoenix and Bryce Dallas Howard. Nothing else of interest. Very disappointing effort. *
Furious on Film – The Blog! - 11.23.2008
Furious on Film – The Blog!
Seeing as I don’t have time to write a regular column these days I figured I’d throw up a blog with my thoughts on some films I’ve seen since the final Furious on Film. Which incidentally was on the 3rd September. Damn, time flies when you’re busy living.
Since then I’ve seen a shitload of films. Let’s see…we start with –
SCANDAL (1950). One of my missing Kurosawa movies. Surprisingly refreshing and relevant even now as it deals with press intrusion on the lives of the famous. Toshiro Mifune is somehow still a total badass even though he’s playing a painter. ****
PASSPORT TO PIMLICO (1949). I was looking to get some more Ealing comedies and this one of the main ones I’d not seen. It deals with the London borough of Pimlico declaring itself a foreign nation. Which leads to all kinds of shenanigans. Highly British and very solid but ultimately nowhere near Ealing’s very best comedies. ***1/2
NEXT (2007). Nic Cage + dodgy haircut = disaster. Seriously, he needs to stop making this crap. I don’t know how he selects his projects but at present they’re running around 85% horseshit. A particularly dreadful precognition movie that doesn’t even have the decency to stick to it’s own rules and has a terrible ending. I award a bonus point for Eva Mendes looking hot. *1/2
THE QUIET MAN (1952). I never got enough John Wayne growing up and this is another one of his that I’d missed until very recently. This benefits from John Ford’s usual strong direction as well as three great understated performances from Wayne, enemy Victor McLaglen and love interest Maureen O’Hara. The punch-up at the film’s conclusion is superb and McLaglen is one of the best foils Wayne has ever had. ****
SEMI-PRO (2007). Does it all start to go wrong for Will Ferrell now? I know not because I’ve seen Step Brothers and thought it was hilarious but Semi-Pro is one of his first high profile blow outs. Short on jokes, plot and characters this was one cookie-cutter sports movie too far. While it has it’s moments it’ll not be a film to be remembered. **1/2
MONKEY BUSINESS (1952). Cary Grant and Ginger Rogers both have a whale of time as an aging couple who discover the secret of youth. Ginger may even outdo Cary in the amusement stakes as she becomes a giggly teenager all over again. It amazes me this has never been remade when you think about all the mediocre re-do’s there have been over the years. ****
FORT APACHE (1948). John Ford’s take on the Charge of the Light Brigade. Henry Fonda stars as Colonel Thursday. A man determined to put the Injun nation into line whether they like it or not. John Wayne plays the mostly ignored voice of reason. Decent but features a little too much Shirley Temple and not enough John Wayne. ***1/2
THE SONS OF KATIE ELDER (1965). I’ve really been catching up on my John Wayne! I especially enjoyed Dennis Hopper’s appearance in this one and John Wayne getting to rough up bad boy George Kennedy. ***1/2
FINAL DESTINATION 3 (2007). Aka we’re starting to run low on ideas! While it wasn’t particularly original and wasn’t even a patch on the second film the rollercoaster sequence was pretty good. The whole ‘photographs describe the death’ bit was kinda lame and they couldn’t even finish the movie properly (like the first one…only far less satisfying/entertaining). **
ENCHANTED (2007). I specifically watched this because of the trailer I saw when I was doing a movies roundtable. I thought the concept of Disney in the real world might be quite good. And while it starts out that way, almost making fun of Disney’s inability to connect to the real world, the problem it has is it tries to make the real world magical. And that didn’t work for me. It was still a nice attempt at actually addressing Disney’s ongoing biggest issue but a failure nontheless. **1/2
SAW IV (2007). For me the series was pretty much over when Jigsaw died at the end of Saw III. I mean, really, where do you go without your main character? So they just replaced him with a copycat…yawn! The time lapse trick almost saved the movie from total mediocrity but there’s no escaping how tired torture porn has become. I’m desensitised to it completely and for me this was by far the worst of the Saw franchise. **
TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN (1969). Woody Allen’s mockumentary is way ahead of its time. It’s Allen’s first movie as a director and although he doesn’t quite get it perfect it’s a hell of a debut. His loser bank robber has a tonne of great lines, showing his gift for dialogue, including my favourite moment where he tries to hold up a bank with a note and misspells “gun” as “gub”. “I have a gub…what’s a gub?” ****
DRUGSTORE COWBOY (1989). Gus Van Sant’s best film to date. A shocking drug tale about addict Matt Dillon and his crew of thieves who like to rob enough drugs to party on for months at a time then go on the run. Heather Graham is excellent in an early role but it’s Dillon who commands the screen, which makes you wonder why his career stalled so badly when he can act like this. ****
SOUTHLAND TALES (2007). I pitched this to Peter Bielik for Mr Floppy after learning of it’s failure to even reach the box office. Yeah, Sarah Michelle Gellar is terrible and the casting is bizarre but I actually really enjoyed the movie. After all, I’m a pimp and pimps don’t commit suicide. ***3/4
EL DORADO (1966). Another superb John Wayne western sees him caught in a land war in the old west. He gains a hot shot sidekick called Mississippi (James Caan) and sides with local sherriff (Robert Mitchum) against Bart Jason (Edward Asner). Great cast. As I go through all these Wayne westerns it makes me wonder when the quality will stop. He’s made so many great westerns it’s incredible. ****
WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY (2007). I felt really bad for John C. Reilly here. He gives it his all in this mock biopic of singing/drugs legend Dewey Cox but doesn’t get much help. The jokes are lame and flat and the script is just horrible. Only a few cameos make things interesting including Paul Rudd as John Lennon and an unrecogniseable Jack White as Elvis Presley. **1/4
KING KONG VS GODZILLA (1962). A ridiculous monster movie. Not a patch on either Gojira or King Kong. Features rubbish looking monster costumes, especially Kong whose appearance was so lame he was covered up on the poster, and nothing of interest until the two battle it out at the film’s conclusion. **
TETSUO: THE IRONMAN (1989). Ah cyberpunk, one of the most pointless and awful mediums ever created. For fans of the surreal and wasting hours of your own time watching someone else’s drug addled creations. Tetsuo starts off in such surreal fashion that it’s actually wildly entertaining but after the initial few scenes of carnage it just becomes a big mess. This movie gave me a headache. *
TIE ME UP, TIE ME DOWN! (1990). Ah, the movie that gave the world Antonio Banderas. Because it’s Almodovar the talent is actually used to it’s fullest. I’ve often wondered what Almodovar might do with some of the bigger American talents if he can get performances like this out of Banderas, Penelope Cruz (Volver) and Cecilia Roth (All About My Mother). ***1/2
THE SWORDSMAN II (1992). It’s perhaps a criticism of this type of movie but I saw this on 28th October and I don’t remember a thing about it. That’s less than a month ago. I know Jet Li was in it. And I know there was a lot of swordfighting but I don’t remember a plot or anything.
PULSE (2001). I’m getting a little tired of J-Horror. The premises are getting worse and every new idea seems to be some sort of spin on Ringu and how technology is destroying us. Pulse is particularly awful. It has one good scene and features the majority of the cast getting obsessed with ghosts. It’s not scary. It got re-made in the USA with Kristen Bell. I can’t imagine it being much worse but it probably is. *
DOOMSDAY (2008). A total rip off of Mad Max 2. Unashamedly in fact. At times it lifts entire sequences from the Road Warrior without any pause for thought. It’d be fine if you’d never seen any post-Apocalypse type films before Doomsday but if you have it comes off as a little generic. And Rhona Mitra comes off as a second rate lead. She’s probably aiming for Sigourney Weaver in Aliens but she’s more like Kate Beckinsale in Van Helsing. Still entertaining throughout. ***
HE GOT GAME (1998). One of my missed Spike Lee movies that I’m catching up on. It’s a lot better than She Got Game. I can tell you that much. Ray Allen is surprisingly good considering he’s not an actor but anytime he’s onscreen with Denzel Washington he just gets blown away. Denzel with his crazy afro owns this movie. As per usual, in anything he cares about, he throws himself head first into it. Spike’s love of basketball helps matters. ***1/2
EXILED (2006). Johnny To, ladies and gentlemen, a name to remember. He’s the director of Exiled who’s swiftly making a name for himself in Hong Kong cinema. He’s made over 50 films already but unlike John Woo or Yimou Zhang or Tsui Hark he’s not crossed over to the US. I think he probably shouldn’t but it’s time to get word out on how great his films are. Exiled opens with a sequence where two rival hitmen wait on a mutal acquaintance. They stand smoking cigars for the opening ten minutes of tension before he arrives. There follows a three way shoot out where to prepare for it they count bullets out. Popping each one out of the gun until they’re at the same number. Exiled just drips cool. It has great set pieces and he’s a director that more people should know about. ****
ESCAPE FROM LA (1996). I’m of the opinion that John Carpenter started to lose the plot sometime before Escape from LA, which is why I’ve never watched it. I didn’t want to see one of my favourite anti-heroes go the way of John Rambo (rubbish OTT sequel syndrome). But I’m glad I saw it because Kurt Russell is still super-cool as Snake Plissken even if the rest of the movie sucks. **
SCHOOL DAZE (1988). This really isn’t Spike Lee’s best work. His trip back to college is a combination of Animal House and Spike’s own memories. The problem is that any college movie has to try and best Animal House and this doesn’t even try. It’s just an inferior product with a few decent performances in it. I found the characters to be a mixture of annoying, contradictory and unlikeable. Even Larry Fishburne in the starring role. **
CITY ON FIRE (1987). This is the movie that Quentin Tarantino saw before writing Reservoir Dogs. He basically takes the botched jewelry store robbery at the film’s conclusion and makes an entire movie out of it. While he borrowed heavily from the original I was surprised at how much the two film’s differ. While City on Fire shows everything, Tarantino actually shyed away from showing the films brutality in full. Although the ear slicing torture is nowhere in sight in City on Fire. Chow Yun-Fat oozes cool in City on Fire. It’s one of his best films as an actor. ****1/2
ONE MISSED CALL (2003). Another J-Horror. This one from prolific director Takashi Miike. Unfortunately for him he doesn’t really feature any of his trademark wackiness. The swerve ending is incredibly stupid and everything that leads up to it is a nonsensical reach anyway. Suffers from an inept script, bad special effects and terrible acting. DUD.
BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD (2007). Philip Seymour Hoffman and Ethan Hawke work well together here and both Albert Finney and Marisa Tomei(’s nakedness) are very entertaining. The problem comes from a really disjointed method of storytelling. It doesn’t help the film. The flashbacks and flashforwards seem like an attempt at something cool and non-linear but it just confuses matters. It’s a good movie but I feel a better editing process could have made it great. ***1/2
THE DEVIL’S BACKBONE (2001). I got told I wasn’t allowed to hate on Guillermo del Toro until I saw this film so I did. And it’s not his best work. It’s a bit of a mess. I much prefer Pan’s Labyrinth for the more coherent plot and more sympathetic characters. Not the classic I was told to expect by any means. I don’t have it in for the director; I just struggle to enjoy his films. This is no exception. The main bad guy is almost cartoonish. Some really weak character work in this one. Still it is kinda atmospheric even if it isn’t scary at all. ***
And I’m ending with the best film I’ve seen in the last three months…
NAKED (1993). David Thewlis stars as philisophical anti-hero, conversationalist and dickhead Johnny, a Mancunian car thief/date rapist who’s run away to London to avoid a beating in his home town. When he arrives he finds a lot of interesting characters on the streets of the big smoke that he can relate to…or not. He’s highly critical of everyone’s choices in life regardless of what they think of his or how they treat him. He’s also irritatingly well read and streetwise so he can rebuke almost any argument with an equally strong, and often, better one. Sometimes he’s challenged, although not often, but he’s at his best when shooting fish in a barrel. His battle of the wits with Scottish Tourettes sufferer and drunkard Archie (Ewen Bremner) is hilarious.
FUCK OFF, POOF!
Naked is one of the best films of the 1990’s and one of the most criminally overlooked. Highly recommended. *****
And that about brings you up to speed! I’ll check in later with some more quickfire reviews.
AF
And we're rolling... - 07.01.2008
SEMI-FINALS/FINAL.
Germany 3 Turkey 2
Spain 3 Russia 0
Spain 1 Germany 0
The most important thing about Euro 2008 was that the right team won. Not every tournament happens that way. Germany winning back in Euro ’96 has to be one of the biggest disappointments of my footballing life. They sure didn’t deserve to be in the final this year either and were totally outplayed by the superior Spain team. A neat goal from Fernando Torres made sure of the trophy and also ensured a lack of penalties. Which I heartily endorse. Spain were too good for Russia in the semi’s and it was from that starting point that you sensed they’d be too good for Germany as well. And they were. Sheer class throughout and had David Villa been fit to play in the final they might have easily netted a few more times. Germany had been fortunate already against Turkey in the semi-finals although Turkey’s luck eventually ran out when Lahm broke down the left to get Germany a last gasp winner.
Overall the tournament was full of thrills and spills and the right team won. I felt for the Spanish fans, as long suffering as the English fans, and I’m glad they got their big tournament win. I’m also glad Italy lost at their own game and Germany, despite getting lucky in the draw, came up short.
Favourite Moment…
Croatia’s effortless dismantling of Germany. An early sign that despite the fortunate draw the Germans didn’t have the goods in all departments. Slaven Bilic’s celebrations were a highlight.
Best game…
So many good ones at this tournament. It’s tough to choose between Russia 3 Holland 1, because the football was brilliant, and Turkey 3 Czech Republic 2 for the sheer drama and excitement. Both great games.
Tournament stars…
No young players really shone through. Cesc Fabregas was dominant in midfield against Italy and Russia but didn’t have a good final. The new players to the world scene like Marcus Senna and Andrei Arshavin aren’t particularly young. But for my measure they were the two best players in the tournament. Several of the great players didn’t really turn up for the tournament. Michael Ballack was great half the time. Cristiano Ronaldo couldn’t beat Germany and was unusually quiet. Frank Ribery had a quiet tournament as did the entire French side.
Team of the tournament…
1. Iker CASILLAS (Spain)
2. Yuri ZHIRKOV (Russia)
3. Sergio RAMOS (Spain)
4. Carlos MARCHENA (Spain)
5. Ricardo CARVALHO (Portugal)
6. Michael BALLACK (Germany)
7. Wesley SNEIJDER (Holland)
8. Marcus SENNA (Spain)
9. Andrei ARSHAVIN (Russia)
10. David VILLA (Spain)
11. Nihat KAVECI (Turkey)
And we're rolling... - 06.22.2008
QUARTER FINALS
Portugal 2 Germany 3
Well this went badly. My flutter on Portugal goes out the window and the hated Germans progress to an easy semi-final. Portugal continued to play at a canter instead of really pushing forward. They weren’t good enough at the back to play such average football going forward. They only hit their form in patches and Simao was bloody useless again. They didn’t get enough crosses in and most of their defenders were easily shoved off the ball. Germany were the better team but I really didn’t want them to win. Two headed goals from Ballack and Klose were down to poor marking but they scored a classy opener from Schweinsteiger who’s picked an irritating time to hit his best form. Same with Ballack. Even at 3-1 down Portugal could have easily won had they pushed forwards. A performance devoid of character, I’d say. The Germans simply wanted to win more and did so. I was righteously pissed off and had to go and drown my sorrows immediately.
Croatia 1 Turkey 1 (Turkey win on pens)
Turkey are the luckiest team in the competition. No doubt about that. Every goal seems to have an element of luck. A deflection here, a goalkeeping blunder there. Their last gasp 122nd minute equaliser took a deflection that caused it to hit the very top hand corner of the goal. They’re having the kind of luck that Portsmouth had during the FA Cup last year and we all know what happened there. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Turkey won the entire competition. Maybe my local kebab shop will give away some freebies if I pretend to support Turkey for a day. I hope they beat the cocky Germans just to put them in their place but I really don’t want either team in the final, which is a sad state of affairs. The two best footballing teams in this side of the draw are now out. If the same happens to Holland and Spain this tournament is a real dud. I only saw the second half of extra time of this game but it seems that was enough. All the excitement happened in the closing few minutes with both teams scoring right at the end of extra time. I don’t like penalties btw. Someone argued “well, there isn’t a better way of doing it”. Well, there is. You take off a player on 90 minutes for either team. Then keep taking players off until someone scores. This would allow tactical removals and some ridiculous end to end action. Plus everyone will be knackered so there would be an emphasis on finishing the game during 90 minutes. Penalties are bullshit.
Holland 1 Russia 3 (AET)
I don’t feel so bad about getting Russia in the work sweepstakes now! Holy shit, they’ve been a different side since Andrei Arshavin’s return from suspension. He was brilliant again here just controlling the pace of the game. The Dutch never looked like scoring from open play although their freekicks were a constant menace. Roman Pavlyuchenko again had tonnes of chances but it was he who gave Russia a deserved lead early in the second half. If Russia had a legitimate striker in their team with strikers instincts he’d be into double figures in this tournament. Easy. Russia completely dominated the second half and could have scored many times missing a collection of straightforward chances. Holland ended up with an undeserved late equaliser courtesy of a freekick headed in by van Nistelrooy. Extra time was AGAIN dominated by Russia. Arshavin was magnificent again. And their team work was phenomenal. They contained the Dutch and hit them with greater speed on the counter. The Dutch didn’t know what to do and Russia never stopped. The bizarre refereeing decision to send off and then not send off Kolodin is a big debate. The ball didn’t go out. It wasn’t a yellow card anyway, IMO. The ref has got himself in trouble by reversing his decision. In extra time it was Arshavin who starred. Setting up one goal before scoring Russia’s third. And he could have had a hat trick if Van Der Saar hadn’t been on form. For me he’s the best player in the tournament and he’s only played in two games. Not only is he incredibly skilled but he worked his ass off. Considering how useless Russia looked against Spain in the opening game this is a massive turnaround. Make no mistake about it, the Dutch were a force to be reckoned with and by all rights should have at least made the semi’s. Russia made them look ordinary. Perhaps they peaked too early but for me they were one of the best sides in the tournament based on group play. Russia had now had back to back excellent performances and if it wasn’t for their suspect backline, and their dodgy goalkeeper, they’d be a fine tip to take the whole tournament. The way things are going whoever plays well has no chance though. Very sad fact about football these days. The best team doesn’t often win. Ask Arsene Wenger.
Italy 0 Spain 0 (Spain win 4-2 on pens)
The first half was diabolical. Just awful stuff. Italy sat back and let Spain come onto them and that confused the hell out of Iniesta and especially Xavi, who was terrible. They couldn’t find a way through two walls of four white shirts and couldn’t seem to get a handle on either Luca Toni (because he was 4 inches taller than Puyol) and Antonio Cassano (who played all over the place). If Italy could have gotten one decent ball into the box it might have killed the game off early. Had Italy scored, believe me, they’d have sat back in numbers and shut the game down. As it stands they couldn’t get any decent delivery into the box, because they played with no wide players at all, and let Spain defend on their terms. Second half saw an improvement with Spain bringing on Cesc Fabregas. He took the game by the scruff of the neck and started getting Spain playing with give and go’s and making sure they passed and moved. They were too static in the first half. Despite the improvement they still struggled to get near goal because Italy just packed their own box with players. It was as if they were playing for penalties because they didn’t think they could take Spain in open play. Unusual decision from Roberto Donadoni and he should probably be sacked for fielding the eleven he selected. No width against a team who can’t defend crosses? No width when your best goal threat comes from aerial attack and a striker better in the air than all the opposition defenders? When Camoranesi came on he made a difference and looked lively but the rest of the team looked asleep. And again Toni didn’t cover himself in glory. Although he didn’t get much service he was out there diving like mad again. Slow-mo replays showed several ridiculous dives. But the Italians for all their cheating and boring football didn’t get anywhere. Casillas saved two penalties and Fabregas, the best footballer on the field from the second half onwards, scored the winner. Justice was done. And thankfully there’s a semi-final I actually want to see; Spain v Russia. Should be good end to end action. I hope they both go in with the mentality that they’re going to outscore the other.
Predictions – I suck at predictions. Even though they’re the luckiest team in the competition I can’t see Turkey getting by Germany. They’re too organised and motivated and if they can get three against Portugal’s defence they should manage a couple against Turkey. Although I fully expect Turkey to get a deflected goal in the 92nd minute. It’s the norm now. Spain-Russia should be immense fun and I would love to see Russia win the whole tournament but I know that despite how great they are going forwards their defence frailty should allow Spain to get to their first final since 1984. And worryingly enough Germany are great at crossing the ball into the box and Spain can’t defend in the air for shit. I see Germany winning the whole tournament, which is ludicrous because they were about the 8th best team in it.
And we're rolling... - 06.18.2008
GROUP D
1. Spain. 2. Russia. 3. Sweden. 4. Greece.
I drew Russia in the works sweepstakes so you can imagine how thrilled I was when they took an absolute battering in the opening game against Spain. They were really poor at the back and Spain tore them apart. David Villa scoring a hat trick in the process. His partnership with Fernando Torres showing remarkable promise as they both created space with their runs. Sweden just about beat Greece in a poor game elsewhere. I said pre-tournament that Ibrahimovich would need a great tournament for Sweden to get anywhere and he pretty much won them their opener before netting again in the loss to Spain. Greece looked badly organised, especially compared to 4 years ago, and deserved very little for their efforts. After losing to Sweden they capitulated to an inexperienced Russian side. The reigning champions out after just two games. To be fair no one expected a repeat of 2004. Everyone has more hunger than them this time around. In what was always going to be Spain’s group second place was up for grabs. It came down to Russia v Sweden.
So final game saw Russia play Sweden for a place in the quarters. Sweden needed a draw but Russia had to win. Russia promptly turned out one of the best performances of the entire tournament and absolutely steamrollered Sweden. They hit the woodwork twice and if Roman Pavlyuchenko was any kind of natural goalscoring striker they’d have got into double figures. As it stands it was the most one sided 2-0 I’ve seen in a while with the inevitable third goal simply never coming. After totally dominating the first half Russia spent most of the second 45 minutes conserving energy but they still counter attacked at will exposing Sweden’s aging legs at every turn. True Russia are naïve and inexperienced but the team is improving by the minute. Guus Hiddink has always been good at organising inferior players into great team performances although this Russian team has a few hidden gems in it. Andrei Arshavin in particular looked brilliant and took the Swedes apart. Had he not been suspended for the first two games who knows how well Russia might have done in the group. As it stands they’ve qualified and looked like a hell of a team in the process.
Predictions – I still see Russia finding it hard against a very organised and pacy Dutch team. Everything Russia is good at is what Holland are great at. Therefore it should come down to who has the better defence. Which would be Holland. Also they have a world class goalscorer, which Russia don’t possess. Russia certainly turned on the class against Sweden though and this is now a harder game for Holland than it would have been if Sweden had sneaked through by being the least worst team in the group. Holland v Russia should see a lot of end to end football. Should be fun. Meanwhile Spain v Italy could easily have been the finals if Italy had arrived with their defence in order. I still think Spain should win but Italy have a knack of arriving late for tournaments and I can see it going to penalties, where Spain don’t traditionally fare well. I’d rather see Spain v either of the other two teams than Italy play again though. So for the good of the football I want Spain to win.
And we're rolling... - 06.17.2008
GROUP B
1. Croatia. 2. Germany. 3. Austria. 4. Poland.
The big shock for me was how well Austria played in their first two games. Desperately unlucky against Croatia before eeking a point out of Poland with a last gasp spot kick. In both cases they had played above their abilities and given both opponents a tough game. Germany started strong and made short work of Poland although Guerrero gave them trouble down the flanks suggesting the German backline had no pace. Podolski had a couple of assured finishes making me wonder who exactly was supposed to be on form for the Germans. Podolski scored 3 in the opening 2 games and looked sharp. Mario Gomez on the other hand was permanently offside and didn’t look like scoring at all. Miroslav Klose was a pre-tournament tip for leading scorer but he didn’t look as sharp as Podolski either. But then major tournaments have been known to turn careers around. Look at Toto Schillaci or Geoff Hurst. The big turning point in Group B was the sensational win for Croatia against Germany. Croatia played to their strengths AND Germany’s weaknesses exposing their defence time and time again with their pace. If this is Germany’s best defence then they’re in trouble when they face teams with dangerous pace like Spain or Portugal or France or even Romania. Croatia exposed that frailty and made Germany look very average. Workhorse Ivica Olic throughily deserved his goal although it had a stroke of luck about it. But then you make your own luck. He was following in, the Croatians kept throwing crosses into the box so they got the breaks. The final round of matches was a real damp squib with Germany predictably edging out the inferior Austria team. I was hoping for another upset but let’s face it, Austria and Poland weren’t good enough and are out because of it. Germany’s failure to get anywhere near Croatia is the most revealing part of the this group.
Predictions – Croatia will find it harder as the tournament progresses and people get more of a chance to scout their players on the big stage. They should, by all rights, beat Turkey but beyond that I don’t see them threatening some of the better teams. Of which Germany aren’t one of by the way. I don’t know why they were installed as pre-tournament favourites. Someone has to be, I guess. They’ve looked average at best and only shine in moments rather than long stretches of play. They’ll need great games from Ballack and at least one of the forward players to keep going past Portugal. I think they’ll go out.
GROUP C
1. Holland. 2. Italy. 3. Romania. 4. France.
The “Group of Death” got off to a quite extraordinary start. A lively Dutch dismantled an inept Italian defence that looked all at sea for 2 of the 3 goals. Although Van Nistelrooy was certainly offside for the first that didn’t explain how Italy couldn’t grasp the simple concept of marking for the other two goals. Yes, the Dutch played some majestic football at breakneck pace but doing simple things right at the back could have prevented the slaughter. Meanwhile an egotistical French eleven failed to score against Romania because they couldn’t grasp the concept of passing. As soon as they got anywhere near goal someone would shoot and miss by a mile. Nicolas Anelka was the biggest culprit blasting a shot from an impossible angle into the side of the post. The French deserved nothing from the game and got a point. Romania’s hard work was changed in game 2 against the Italians to incorporate a little attacking industry as well. They rattled the Italians frequently and could easily have won the game had Adrian Mutu not hit his late penalty straight down the middle. More inept Italian defending on the goal though as Zambrotta handed posession to Muta inside his own penalty area. Then Panucci gave away the clumsy late penalty and Italy could easily have been sent home with an 0-2 record. They looked a million miles from the world champions and missed the organisational skills of Fabio Cannavaro at the back. The Dutch were a different side against France and used the counter attack to great effect against the French team as they swarmed forward in search of goals. 1-0 is not a difficult lead for Holland to defend. They ended up with 4 goals with a series of great counters. So they open the tournament with back to back games against the two world cup finallists and hit seven goals! Wonderful stuff.
Into the last round of group matches the Dutch can afford to rest most of their team and still swept the weak Romania team aside with ease. Which makes you wonder how both Italy and France failed to do so? The simple answer is that neither team is good enough this time around. A fine example being Italy v France where both teams looked pretty poor. Italy did the usual when they can’t outplay someone…they cheat. Luca Toni’s clever dive for the penalty might have tricked the referee but it doesn’t fool me. The subsequent sending off of Eric Abidal for a professional foul he hadn’t committed pretty much finished the game off. Ribery went off injured to boot and yet France still carved open some opportunities because of how terrible Italy’s defence is. If Henry was on any kind of form coming into the tournament they might even have pulled off a shock. Seeing him scuff shot after shot into the ground was disappointing. His best shot was deflecting the Italian freekick into the goal for 2-0. Which incidentally was a complete fluke and showed up the Italians other major pro in their favour; luck. They might not have gotten it against Romania where Toni’s goal was wrongfully ruled out for offside or against Holland when van Nistelrooy scored from an offside position but they sure got it when it counted. A lucky penalty and a lucky deflection. I noticed how many chances Luca Toni blew in that game too. Quite how he scored so many goals last year remains a mystery as he blew chance after chance.
Predictions – Italy are going out against Spain unless they take it to penalties. Holland are joint favourites to win after their stylish performances in the group stages. A mouth-watering game with the two top scorers so far; Holland v Spain, beckons potentially in the semi’s. What a game that would be! Holland can and should beat either Sweden or Russia depending on who wins second place in Group D but shouldn’t take either team lightly. Russia possess a lot of pace while Sweden are dangerous around the box thanks to Ibrahimovic. The Dutch should be too good for either of them though.
I tipped the Swiss to do well at their own tournament and although they’ve disappointed me they have had some rotten luck. Star player and captain Alex Frei was injured in the opening match after he’d created some nice chances for himself. Since then Switzerland have looked toothless up front. Yakin needed an empty goal and 6 inches to not miss against Turkey. And he still conspired to miss another one from similar range. Also running against the Swiss was a mishit shot by Sverkos to give the Czechs the opening day win. If he hadn’t completely sliced the shot the keeper had it covered. Also the Turks winner against them took a lucky deflection. A lot of the talk around Portugal’s campaign has related to Scolari and where he’s going post tournament (Chelski). This hasn’t detracted from the Portuguese on the pitch, thankfully (I have a wager on them), and they’ve been content to just outplay anything in their way. They’ve not even got into second gear yet and of all the teams that have qualified they’ve looked most at ease doing so. The Turks simply weren’t in their league and got brushed aside. Then Cristiano Ronaldo took over the Czech’s and made short work of them. If only they could stop Simao taking his shitty free kicks and just let Ronaldo do everything!
Last game then and HOLY SHIT what an absolute ding-dong between the Czechs and Turkey. This game had everything. The Turks looked out of it at one point, 2-0 down and being continuously hit on the counter attack. Then they began a miracle comeback capped off with an 89th minute winner after an equaliser where Peter Cech, arguably the most consistent keeper in the tournament, dropped a clanger at Nihat’s feet for an easy goal. Quite what Turkish keeper Volkan Demirel was doing getting himself sent off in injury time is anyone’s guess but he’ll now miss the quarter-final with Croatia. Meanwhile Portugal reserves finally give the Swiss something to cheer about and a big win. In the opening minutes the crowd enjoyed a Mexican wave. That should probably tell you how important that game was.
Predictions – Portugal should be a real handful for any team and have bags of talent. Worrying for opposition teams would be that they’ve barely gotten out of 2nd gear so far. Ronaldo is simmering and their best football is yet to come. The Turks shouldn’t be able to get by Croatia but it’s not the best of Croatian teams and they shouldn’t have gotten by Switzerland or the Czech’s either. The one predictable thing about Turkey is how wildly unpredictable they are. But they’re not winning the whole thing.
I love the Cruiser. Great movies but fuck dude. You're insane. Get with the program. That laugh is bordering on Jack Nicholson hamming it up.
And all those abbreviations man?
Just, seriously, get help.
And we're rolling... - 01.02.2008
Michael Ballack(s).
The last two Chelski matches I've seen have had a penalty to Chelski to win the game. And both times it was Ballack taking a dive to set it up. Fucking cheat. I can't believe he keeps getting away with it and no mention of how bad he's cheating on Match of the Day or in the papers or anything?
Life ban for Ballacks please. You're a fucking cheat and you don't deserve to play the game.
And we're rolling... - 10.20.2007
Divers. I had them. They need to be exposed as the cheats they are. Today's cheat; Steven Gerrard.
A so called hard man scouser Mr Gerrard today decided to run into the penalty area against Everton and fall over. Then when the ref was only going to book the so-called offender Steven went over and stuck his whiny face in again. "I was having a shot there ref, better send him off". And that gutless fucking puke Mark Clattenberg goes ahead and does it. "Yes, Steven. Sorry I didn't aware you two penalties for that offence. I hope we're still having dinner later".
Fuck you, you pair of wankers. You make me sick.
Remember the whole stamp racism out of football campaign? I think it's time to stamp diving out of the game before it's ruined forever.
Consider me angered.
And we're rolling... - 05.25.2007
Where to start here?
Well, work is a shit. They want me to change my hours. I want to quit. I don't have any kind of relevant qualifications in order to get another job. I'm interested in just taking off in a totally new direction but that's virtually impossible. If I tough it out where I am it means changing the hours I work, which means I can't do Raw anymore. Or Smackdown for that matter. I might as well not cover current wrestling at all. Which puts me back where I was when I started with 411. It's almost as if my online "career" is mirroring my real life. It's one frustration after another.
That's compounded by some very direct criticism I've received from one reader who calls my Raw reports a disservice to the wrestlers and readers of 411. I really don't think it's all that bad but what if that's true? What if my reports are giving off a negative vibe that's subconsciously entered the report because I'm constantly pissed off at something else? That could be rendered entirely irrelevent if my work hours change. Which it seems they're certain to.
On the upside if I wasn't doing Raw anymore I'd have two more hours a week to read a book. Maybe expand my mind a little.
I guess I just find life to be hugely frustrating. One hurdle after another. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing damn well that everyone else is in the same boat. What really, really pisses me off is I can't write about my personal life because it's not that interesting. They say you should write what you know but what I know isn't going to get me a chance to write a screenplay or a novel. So ultimately why am I bothering? And why am I telling you all this?
No, actually what really, really pisses me off is I've always marketed myself as reliable and it looks like I'll be forced into letting someone down. Maybe I should have marketed myself as a lovable rogue. They seem to get so much more leeway.
AF
And we're rolling... - 03.28.2007
As I'm sure you're aware these hellish WCW reviews can't continue forever. But I'm getting through them pretty quickly so just to let you know what's coming up...
March 31st - Heroes of Wrestling. Yes, THAT show. Oh boy. And I thought WCW sucked.
April 19th - Hustle-1. Wacky Japanese wrestling antics. Hustle-2 is also in the pipeline.
April 20th - the first part of the history of Smoky Mountain Wrestling. Part two follows just 24 hours later.
Down the line - I'm planning on finishing up WCW, Hustle and continuing a recap of Smoky's history. Also a multiple part series on the best WWF matches of the 1980's and some classic St Louis wrestling.
Stay tuned!
And we're rolling... - 12.28.2006
Here's this week's email goodness.
Hey there...
My name is Ben Piper, and I'm one of the 411 newbies. Thought I'd write you with some suggestions for your Furious on Film column... I'm not sure or don't remember if you covered Talledega Nights or not. But I got it for Xmas and freakin' laughed my butt off the whole time I watched it. Also, how about some love for Monty Python? I think you've done Holy Grail but how about something a little bit less accessible to the public, such as Life of Brian?
Again, if you covered these movies beforehand I apologize. If not, what are you waiting for?! lol... - Ben Piper
Howdy Ben, welcome to the 411 family. I haven't done any of the Monty Python movies but there's good reason. Unless there's a new swish DVD out I tend not to re-review films I've already seen. I've seen all the Python films and I own all of them. I just have so many films I want to see that I've not seen yet it wouldn't make much sense to go back and review something I've already seen. Thanks for the suggestion though. Keep 'em coming.
If you're after snowflakes on Monty Python...
Holy Grail *****. Flat out one of the funniest films, ever.
Life of Brian *****. Yep, full score there too. Not as good as Holy Grail but there are so many good gags. I've seen both of these films a dozen times a piece at least.
Meaning of Life ***1/2. It has it's moments but there's no escaping it's just a series of sketches. Still Mr Creasote is here, so is the death scene, "every sperm is sacred", the sargeant major, the "we bought you a little something" battle scene and a weird thing with a fish. Quite brilliant at times.
And Now For Something Completely Different ***. While this is funny it's just a series of sketches. Not even linked like Meaning of Life. Just a feature length episode of the sketch show. Some good stuff in there but the Live at the Hollywood Bowl would be a better choice to round out a collection IMO. That scores **** for sheer entertainment value.
I had some emails about RAW. One about Jim Ross and how he's been rubbish for years. I don't entirely agree because some shows he's fine. His overselling doesn't bother me too often but that RAW last week he just lost the plot. There was another one demanding the end of the brand split, which I don't really agree with. Its better now than it was to start with. Sure the product is diluted but look at the big four PPV's, are they any better for having all that talent or are they just as big a shambles? So yeah, I reckon they'll keep it and there's nothing we can do. ECW won't last but the ratings are still there so maybe it will.
The Furious Flashbacks – PWG Battle of Los Angeles 2006
(01.24.2009)
The second annual Battle of Los Angeles features some improved booking, a superb Strong-Dragon Kid match, CIMA all over the place and Super Dragon attempting homicide on Necro Butcher!
SPOTLIGHTS
