Wacky Wrestlemania Theory 03.26.09: The Great Wrestlemania 13, Embarrassing Foley, and Trilogy Theory

Posted by Jake Chambers on 03.26.2009

Was Wrestlemania 13 the best Mania ever? Was everyone fooled by the fire into thinking Foley/Edge was a classic? Is there a thematic trilogy embedded into Wrestlemania chronology? These wacky theories are defended inside!

#1 – Wrestlemania 13, One of the Greats!

In 1997, everyday as a WWF fan was a tentative one. ‘We' knew that the WWF was the best and loyally stuck by as the WCW waged a war against the federation on every level. While cocky (and creepy) WCW dork fans were dismissing Wrestlemania that year as meaningless, the WWF put on a show for the true hardcore fans that was satisfying, exhilarating and featured some of the best wrestlers of all time, in their prime.



With the exception of the main event, which is really not that bad of a match just not the caliber of a Wrestlemania main event (certainly, in hindsight, not much worse than Triple H vs. Batista), WM 13 is an exceptionally strong card. At 3 hours, with only 7 matches, this show had a compact and stacked super-card, not like the bloated four hours we get today, with at least one hour of nonsense skits and Hall of Fame introductions, and another hour of grandstanding entrances ‘spectacles' and feud recap videos. WM 13 was almost all kick-ass action.

The opening four-way tag team elimination match was a great pace setter, Goldust and HHH brought the house show match that they'd been tearing it up with across the country onto the big stage (featuring the incredible scene of Chyna shaking the shit out of Marlena), Ahmed Johnson climaxed his underappreciated feud with the devious Nation of Domination in a Street Fight that combined Road Warrior entertainment with some credible hardcore wrestling. The strongest argument for the inclusion of WM 13 into the list of best WM's ever is the Bret Hart and Steve Austin Submission Match, a match that many consider to be the best Wrestlemania match of all time, and one of the greatest singles matches ever as well. The fact that this match exists on this card should only strengthen its legacy, yet instead somehow it has been segregated from a ‘supposedly' disastrous event.



That being said there are two matches that I think are especially disliked based on pure prejudice.

First of all you have a highly underrated performance by the mega-face Rocky Miavia against a capable Sultan, who is just Rikishi in a mask coming off of his Headshrinkers/Fatu the Gangsta phase when he was a solid worker. This match often gets ignored by the face value of the names alone, "oh, the Sultan, what a lame gimmick," or "Rocky Miavia, that was The Rock when he was shit," but I'm afraid that if you watch this match without any of those preconceived notions, you would see that it is an enjoyable and well contested match.

Most importantly, there is one overlooked masterpiece on this card, the incredibly rare ‘heel vs. heel' Tag Team Title Match featuring the greatest WWF tag team of all time (in my opinion) Owen Hart and The British Bulldog vs. Vader (coming off his ‘revitalization' at In Your House – Final Four) and Mankind in the prime of his genre-splitting, psycho-gimmick. Most just look at the results of the show and dismiss this match because it is a double count-out, but to me that's like saying that a match that concludes in a draw is not worth acknowledging. In my opinion, this match was a good long stalemate, full of intensity, and crisp wrestling from some of the all time masters. Mankind alone, is fucking awesome in this match, conflicted and tough, yet also wacky and a perfect foil to the crafty Owen Hart. Mankind's great performance on this wonderful card leads me directly into my next theory…

#2 – The Mick Foley Wrestlemania 22 Embarrassment

Wrestlemania 22 was a weak card. I find it terrible that so many people bought into the WWE hype machine that declared Mick Foley needed his one big Wrestlemania moment at this show, as a way to cover up the weak looking event. The WWE needed to sell us on something special happening that night, they tried with Michaels and McMahon, Cena and Hunter, both to lackluster buzz, so they needed something else and a garbage match embarrassment between Foley and Edge was thus pushed on us.

Foley already had his ‘Mania Moments, or should I say the Foley gimmicks that we actually liked, Mankind and Cactus Jack, already had their ‘Mania moments. At WM 22, why should I have cared about a retired ‘actor' who spent a good part of his post-in-ring career exposing the business, now coming out as the ‘real' persona of Mick Foley to ‘finally' get some glory and thereby completely disrespecting his past accomplishments. I mean, Hogan, for all his many returns to the ring, at least does it with the gimmicks the audience likes, he doesn't come out as Terry Bollea (except for that one weird time in WCW). Pro-wrestling is as much about symbols as anything, and the symbol of an out-of-shape Foley telling us all his past Wrestlemania performances, during the glory days of the Attitude Era nonetheless, were not ‘special' enough for him was a direct insult to the intelligence of the audience who lived through those events and an embarrassing cash grab.

The aforementioned WM 13 profiled Mankind in his prime, historically teaming with the man who tore his ear off in that infamous house show match in Germany (an event even referenced in part of the struggle for the team to cohere in the lead up to Wrestlemania) against two of the best performers in WWF history. As well, there was the amazing WM 14 Tag Team Title Dumpster match against the New Age Outlaws, that saw Cactus Jack, the real, badass Cactus Jack (not some lumpy, jolly old guy in a Cactus Jack shirt and a fuzzy flannel) team with his legendarily insane mentor Terry "Chainsaw Charlie" Funk in an all-out awesome brawl, and one that didn't need a bunch of fake fire to cover up the deficiencies of the wrestlers. That's right, I said "FAKE" fire!

When I read all the online reviews of the Edge/Foley WM 22 Hardcore match, it sure seems like a lot of people bought that the fire Edge went face-first into was real, and not a gimmick. We all know that's impossible, right? This is pro-wrestling, right? A guy with long flowing blonde hair cannot go face first into a huge wall of fire and come out without a signed eyebrow, burnt hair end, or even redness of the face… let alone his portly companion who went into the flames flannel first, a shirt that was somehow completely fine after it was also enveloped in the fire. Well, I guess all those rapidly bursting fire extinguishers prove that the fire was real though… NOT! That was just another wrestling gimmick to draw you into the illusion, and another intelligence insulter at that. At least Paul Bearer sold his ‘flash paper' fireball to the face with weeks of facial bandaging, but to see Foley and Edge after their match, you wouldn't even think they'd gotten sunburn. I won't get into the science of it all, but if you believe that Edge and Foley went into real fire at the end of this match, then you're an idiot!



What is worse than anything, though, is that we had to suffer through the embarrassment of Mick Foley shilling for another return to wrestling by destroying all of our past great Wrestlemania memories. Unlike Stone Cold Steve Austin who simply refuses to return to the Wrestlemania stage because he's afraid it will tarnish our memories of his badass career, Foley has no qualms about throwing on some rag tag clothes and running through the motions one more time. I'm all for anyone trying to make more money, especially those precious millions, but does it have to be at the sake of our memories of Foley in his prime as a performer? Those fantastic matches at WMs 13 and 14 had incredible Foley moments, along with WM 15 where Mankind went on-one-on with the Big Show with a shocking finish that led to him eventually coming out to ‘save' the main event in his Mankind referee gimmick, as well as his big, "one time only" coming out of retirement to compete in the main event of WM 2000. If I accept that the WM 22 Hardcore Match was Foley's big ‘Mania moment, then what does that mean for my memory of all those great years? The Foley/Edge hardcore match is a typical example of the WWE hype machine's ability to manipulate the fans, particularly the online community, to believe their bullshit. The match was WCW level hardcore/garbage wrestling that somehow has gained notoriety as being a classic. Without the FAKE fire spot, the match is passionless, weak and short, hardly the stuff of legend, and hardly the ‘one great Wrestlemania moment' that Foley didn't even need in the first place.

#3 – Wrestlemania Three-Theory

There are some wacky theories in the entertainment world, one being the supposed "curse" of the sequel, or more specifically the Star Trek movie theory that claims only the even numbered sequels are good movies. Well, how about Wrestlemania? Is there a metaphysical flow in the WWE Universe? Do Wrestlemanias go through a chorological arcing wave? I believe that every three Wrestlemanias make a thematic bundle. See if you agree:

1 – Original Hulkamania Trilogy = Wrestlemania – Wrestlemania III

These events were created to showcase Hulk Hogan as the ultimate star of the WWF's Rock ‘N Wrestling Era. As each show grew increasingly bigger and more popular, so to did the size of the cards and the importance of the main even matches, coming to an apex at the Hogan/Andre phenomenon. If you watch these shows today, there is a definite style difference in the in-ring action compared to all other years; these shows while flashy in some ways (specifically in the Hogan matches) still relied on the tougher edge and methodical wrestling of the WWF from the 1970s.

2 – The Search for the Next Mega-Star = Wrestlemania IV – VI

The WWF, ever quick to move onto to the next big star, showed shocking foresight following the success of their biggest event ever at WM III by trying to push a new star into the mainstream. Randy ‘Macho Man' Savage became Hogan's contemporary and arch-enemy, while the Ultimate Warrior was ultimately groomed to be the man who would ascend to the WWF throne. These shows, while bloated with more matches and wrestlers than the first triptych, also showcased the lighter and less aggressive wrestling styles being used by the WWF, as they became much more comedy centered and gimmick heavy, making for much less satisfying shows creatively.

3 – End of the Hogan Era = Wrestlemania VII – IX

While the Ultimate Warrior and Randy Savage did not pan out into the Hollywood household names that the WWF had desired, it was now time to squeeze as much revenue they could out of the slowing and aging Hogan. You could even say that the moment of climax in the entire arc of the first nine Wrestlemania's happens exactly at the end of the Warrior/Savage ‘Retirement' Match, as the WM match quality and popularity marks a slow descent all the way down to Hogan's ‘surprise' Title match at the end of WM IX, a moment of obvious and sad desperation as the WWF attempted to appease Hogan and hold onto his remaining dorky and dim-witted mainstream fans.

4 – The Rise of the Small = Wrestlemania X – XII

These three events showcased the talents of Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels in a historic break from the WWF's push for super-hero sized stars with a refreshing focus on quicker, more athletic and psychological wrestlers. While there was a slight misstep in the push of Diesel as a kid friendly WWF Champion, the increasingly smart, adult fans truly wanted to see HBK and Bret Hart in their prime, and this cumulated in a stunningly booked, pure wrestling classic, 60-minute Ironman Match at WM XII.

5 – Stone Cold, Stone Cold, Stone Cold = Wrestlemania 13 – XV

Stone Cold Steve Austin was the WWF's next Hulk Hogan, whether they wanted it or not. Although they probably had no idea how huge he was going to get when he became a working class hero by refusing to tap out to (pro-wrestling elitist) Bret Hart's Sharpshooter. Austin became one of the most successful forces in WWF history by standing up to Mike Tyson and making WM XIV a buzz worthy, WCW nightmare. Unlike Hogan, Austin was able to successfully pass the torch at a Wrestlemania in his outing against The Rock at WM XV. The wrestling here was not as pure as the previous trilogy, and there was a definite move to weapons-based matches and a WWF landscape that had few rules when it came to main events, making for more drama compared to the previous era of athleticism.

6 – The Rock = Wrestlemania 2000 – Wrestlemania X-8

There can be no doubt that The Rock was the main star for this next trilogy of Wrestlemanias. He main-evented the first two, and his match against Hogan at X-8 was an historic highlight. Much like the trilogy following the first three Hogan spotlighting Wrestlemanias, these shows were bloated with as many matches and superstars that the WWF could fit onto the card, supposedly knowing that they'd built up some good faith with the America consumers and looking for a way to spread their wealth among the wrestlers. While the hardcore wrestling of the previous trilogy had become passé, many of the holdovers from that generation were not great pure wrestling performers, making for two weak cards surrounding the gloriously booked WM X-7.

7 – The Next Big Thing = Wrestlemania XIX – 21

You could see that the WWE really expected Brock Lesnar to be the star of their next trilogy following the main event of WM XIX, and probably even days before WM XX, until Brock announced his planned retirement. Thus attempts were made to highlight other stars, the Bret and Shawn-esque duo of Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero or the Hogan/Rock/Austin hybrids of Batista and John Cena at WM 21. While often notable for the brawls, stunts and fuck-ups, such as the McMahon match against Hogan, the first Money in the Bank Ladder Match, and the Lesnar/Goldberg fiasco, this trilogy probably featured the best in-ring action of all the WMs, with Kurt Angle against Brock, Eddie and HBK, Chris Jericho against HBK and Christian, and the classic triple threat main event of WM XX.

8 – Cena-centric = Wrestlemania 22 – 24

Luckily, the WWE found a crossover star in John Cena, a young, hip, wrestling machine who polarized fans, mostly due to the WWE's marketing of Cena to a younger audience and enraging the dwindling yet vocal, older fans' sensibilities. These events featured a return to big-time spectacle, as the WWE tried to play bigger stadiums again, and filled the cards with multiple, main event level, matches, yet surprisingly more non-wrestling padding between the bouts. The wrestling on these shows has been good, but not reflective of the overall weak quality in the WWE throughout the rest of the year, setting up Wrestlemania as a kind of play-off event where the best wrestling of the year now takes place. While okay for this WM Trilogy, this trend definitely can't be considered good for the WWE overall.

With all that being said, that means this year is the start of a new trilogy! What could the next three years have in store for us? Here's my guess:

9 – Punk-tastic = Wrestlemania 25th Anniversary – XX-7

After CM Punk used his guaranteed title shot that he'd won in the opening of the show in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match to dethrone Triple H following his harrowing match with Randy Orton, Punk went on to become the biggest heel in years, taking his ‘Straight Edge' gimmick all the way against John Cena at WM 26 and finally being the man to end the streak and retire the Undertaker at WM XX-7.

You never know?!