Five-Star Conversation 03.31.09: WrestleMania 25 Predictions, My All-Time Favorite WM, More

Posted by Geoff Eubanks on 03.31.2009

How about sadomasochistic activity…?

Friends, WrestleMania weekend draws nigh! That means there's a lot to discuss this week so let's get this donkey show on the road! Your referee…Bronco Lubich! But first, if you've not bookmarked or saved 411mania to your Favorites, click it now! I mean, where else ya gonna go for everything you need to know?

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: I hope Vickie Guerrero wears that filmy orange blouse to WrestleMania, the one she wore on SmackDown! a couple weeks ago. She was just a hookah away from being a dead-ringer for the Caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland…all plump and segmented…*rowr!*

WrestleMania 21 Goes Hollywood, 3 April. 2005, Staples Center, Los Angeles, CA
Okay, first of all, and I've said this for a good long time, it irritates me to hell and back when WWE treats Staples Center like it's next door to the Paramount Lot and is smack dab in the center of Hollywood (which, by the way, isn't even a legal, real city…it's more of a district, like The Sunset or The Haight in San Francisco, or a borough, like Brooklyn or Queens in New York); it's not. It's well over in the corner of downtown Los Angeles, which, granted, isn't like it's The Pond all the way down in Orange County or anything, but, really…

I know, I know, you're saying, "Quit bitching, local boy, they were looking for a theme." And, I must admit, a damn good theme it was. I really enjoyed virtually all of the classic movie send-ups, especially the Basic Instinct send-up featuring Christian, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Stacy Keibler, The late Fabulous Moolah and the great Johnny-Mae Young. The Chrises were all hilarious and rose well to the occasion of actual acting (although, really, all things considered, with Stacy owning the Sharon Stone role, it wasn't too much of a stretch, I'd suggest!), and the surprise ending with my favorite girls was an unexpected belly laugh on top of it all. Well done, all the way around!

Eddie Guerrero versus Rey Mysterio
Out of the chute, you know what, Michael Cole? No, I don't have to love Rey Mysterio and the God awful annual Tributes to Color-Blindness he manages to throw together apparently in a dark closet before he hits the WrestleMania stage. All right, I feel better. On with the show.

As thegun commented last week with regard to John Cena/Big Show's ICT match being one of WM's hottest openers at 20, Eddie & Mysterio certainly give that contest a run for its money in that regard. However, it certainly wasn't without its flaws, which surprises me greatly considering the caliber of the two men involved, as well as the long-standing history and experience shared by both performers.

First of all, and I believe Larry really harped on this in The R's concurrently, Rey really chose poorly his mask. Really, if I had a (drop on a) dime for every time Mysterio had to adjust his mask during this relatively brief encounter, I could have started a trust fund to be able to afford front row seats for WM 22. It was distracting to see him messing with his mask (which wasn't his trademark hood, but rather a face covering with elastic straps wrapping around the back, causing the constant slippage) every time he hit or was hit with a move. Even as he rolls up Eddie for the pinfall victory, rather than appear as if he's having to struggle to maintain Eddie's shoulders to the mat, he's there at the two-count fiddling with his mask. Bad choice, Rey!

Now, being my favorite WM, I've lent this match perhaps one too many viewings over the last five years, and so perhaps this stuff is too along the nit-picky side, and if so, forgive me, but something needs to be mentioned, regrettably so, where Eddie's technical performance is concerned here. I've shared myriad times in the past my love and adoration of Eddie Guerrero, so it pains me to bring this to light, but was I the only one to notice how weak were aspects of his performance here? Specifically, it took him an inordinate amount of time to apply a hold, The Surfboard, on Mysterio, which just blows me away, as this is something of a remedial maneuver for a Mexican native. He had a devil of a time situating his feet against Mysterio's knee-insertion and then struggled to shift his own weight back so as to elevate Mysterio, completing the hold.

I'd not bring this up and chalk it up to just one of those things, but when Eddie locks up Mysterio in The STF, a wise consideration, grounding the high-flyer, there's a clear inch or two of daylight between Eddie's biceps and Mysterio's head. I mean, here's Tazz on commentary trying to do his job as color man and describe for the fans how it feels to be stuck in this devastating hold, a tight shot of the action from the ringside camera, and you hear Tazz falter for just a second as he was about to bring attention to the tightness of the headlock when he sees a gap through which he could Tazplex Cole Slaw and he, with professional adeptness, instead discusses the awkward and painful torque on the knee joint and leg. An incredibly rare and unexpected lack of crispness and snug performance from one of the greatest ever.

Finally, and this really is a quibble I bring up just because he annoys me so fucking completely, Cole made such a huge, grand announcement of what a HISTORICAL moment we're witnessing, just because Eddie & Mysterio are tag team champions facing one another. Shut up, Michael Cole, just shut up.

HOWEVER, that all said, this was a HELL of a fun and exciting opener, as was expected when these two met. Personally, I'd have preferred to have seen them defend the WWETTTs, as I'm with Larry in the "all belts should be defended at WM" mode of thought (and we can argue that philosophy at a later date, if you like), but, as it was, it was a blast.

Too, it should be noted, that we were planting seeds here for the last program Eddie would see through to completion. Although off to a triumphant start, the pairing of Eddie & Mysterio as a tag unit would become fraught with indignity and humiliation that started right here at WrestleMania, the storyline I dubbed "Dominick has two papis" when I was analyzing SmackDown! in The R's. Eddie became obsessed with the consuming need to defeat Mysterio one-on-one in the ring, and yet simply could not pin those shoulders to the mat for three, despite how deeply he managed to burrow into Mysterio's mind and heart, using his son Dominick as a pawn.

It was an ugly story I personally hated, but it also displayed Eddie metamorphosing into a completely different level of rudo the likes of which we'd never seen him play in the past, at least with such a newfound and convicted wickedness, elevating his game much in the same manner as we've recently witnessed Chris Jericho achieve, plus, no matter the stipulation or gimmick, the matches were always second-to-none.

Perhaps what we saw here tonight was purposefully an exhibition, a rasslin appetizer, if you will, to set the stage and whet our appetites for the long and torturous road ahead (notice how, post-match, Eddie is obviously downtrodden and upset that he failed to defeat his smaller opponent and tacitly teases violence, but shakes his hand instead, the beginning of a long, slow slide)? After all, it this size opponent against which Mysterio works best, and Eddie has the ground game to counter Mysterio's most flashy moves and balance his sizzle with a good amount of steak. WrestleMania is best when utilized not just as a spectacle in and of itself, but when the bright light platform sets the stage for that which is to come later as summer overtakes springtime, and that's exactly what occurred here.

VICTORIOUS: Rey Mysterio

MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH, Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, Christian, Shelton Benjamin, Edge, Kane
Although I certainly enjoyed seeing Rob Van Dam win the $itB match the following year at WM22 as well as Kennedy at 23 (along with some fun/perilous moments with Finlay & Horny Little Bastard), as far as I'm concerned, you just don't beat the original. This match, though completely lacking in terms of "story" until the last few moments, was a spectacular spotfest and, as such, a testament of how ardently these six men wanted to make a splash in a landmark, memorable match in the modern WrestleMania landscape.

As I said, this was a spotfest and, as such, is best discussed in terms of such spots. Here are my favorites:

Jericho teeter-tottering a ladder into Christian's face before the bell even sounded.
The old school ECW "everybody flies" bit.
Benoit German suplexing Y2J along with a ladder!
Kane pounding the top of a ladder into Benoit's face as he held Edge fast in The Crossface.
Kane repeatedly crushing Benoit's arm between the ladder's legs.
The E&C ladder "ConChairTo" to Kane.
Benjamin's T-Bone suplex to Edge off the ladder.
Benjamin's runs up the slanted ladder to clothesline Christian.
Tyson Tomko piggy-backing Christian up the ladder, Kane titling the ladder, dumping Christian to the floor.

There was a hell of a lot of cringe-worthy action connecting these amazing spots together in rapid-fire fashion, so there was literally no downtime to rest, to acclimate as a fan. It's little wonder $itB became a WM fixture and one of the most anticipated parts of the Grand-Daddy, especially considering it's the proverbial gift that keeps on giving, as we never know when the winner is going to take advantage of his world title contract! Yes, it's a booking crutch, a Wellness violation/injury quick fix, as we've seen later in Kennedy's regard, but no matter how it's perceived, $itB is a winner all the way around.

Lastly in this regard, I mentioned story. It seemed to me that we only really had a tangible story being told in this match where Benoit is concerned. He came to war with 25 stitches above his right eye, plus Kane, as mentioned above, assaulted Benoit with the ladder, crushing his arm between the legs of the ladder repeatedly, eliminating Benoit for the better of the match's latter portion. A battered Benoit, though, eventually struggled into the ring, audibly crying out in pain as he set up a ladder off of which he landed an ill-advised diving head-butt, some 16 feet off the mat to Kane's cranium, effectively eliminating The Big Red Machine from the match, as well as popping out a good deal of the stitches, Benoit's blood flowing freely.

Bellowing in agony, arm limp and useless at his side, a blood-streaked Benoit ascended the ladder, the crowd chanting his name in unison, as his fingers brushed the briefcase suspended above the ring. Seemingly from nowhere, Edge, chair in hand, scrambled to halt his fellow Canadian's progress, savagely swinging the chair into Benoit's useless limb, a plaintiff scream of stinging distress emitting from The Wolverine as he fell to the canvas, Edge ascending to remove the briefcase. This is a historical moment in Edge's personal character development, as well, because here we see him evolving into "The Ultimate Opportunist", the man who will do anything to anyone to suit his own lascivious, greedy desire to possess championship gold.

VICTORIOUS: Edge

POINTLESS DISGRACE
And now begins the only portion of the entire show with absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever.

Eugene toddled out to babble about how much he loved the WM3 match involving King Kong Bundy and a bunch of midgets when Muhammad Hassan and Daivari crashed his party, venting his vitriol over having been left off the card, citing, as was his wont, institutionalized racism against his Middle-Eastern heritage. Hassan then lived up to his prior announcement that being banished from the official card would not prevent him from creating his own WrestleMania moment, attacking Eugene and attempting to crack his spine in The Camel Clutch as Daivari ran his mouth in Farsi on the mic.

The opening riff to "Real American" blasts from the speakers, signifying that Old Man Hogan was hobbling toward to the ring to eat him some young talent. Even if you've never seen WM21, do I need to describe the next five minutes? Gramps dodders into the ring and vanquishes the "evil darkies", Hassan & Daivari being about as generous as Victoria squaring off against Mae Young, as they're "You"-ed and tossed over the top to the cheers of an obviously well-prescribed bunch of Los Angeles pill-poppers.

The reasons I hate this segment SO much are myriad: 1)At this point, the Eugene character had been totally and completely played out. McMahonagement saw a character that was working (against the odds, thanks to the careful and delicate manner in which Nick Dinsmore played the character) and, predictably soiling himself that he finally had something that was working on Raw, summarily ran the character into the ground to the point that we were all waiting for a mercy killing so "Mr. Wrestling" Nick Dinsmore, the guy who grappled with the likes of Benoit and Regal toe-to-toe, could be kept under wraps and repackaged as something with some upward mobility.

2) Hassan had a great gimmick and was really touching a lot of real nerves, as McMahonagement was simultaneously McMahonaging to be topical and emotional for once. Putting the plight of native-born Americans of Middle-Eastern descent and the racism they were facing in the post-9/11 US exhibited a quality of bravery and edge I thought had completely evolved out of WWE Creative and I was proud of them for having had the old school ECW balls to step up in this manner. Of course, we know what happened to the character in the end, falling victim to a quality of writing with which an indy could have gotten clean away, but a publicly-traded company with a network to please succumbed and, eventually, ended up wishing Hassan the best of luck in his future endeavors.

3) Although, essentially, no harm done, considering the way Hassan ended up, WHY did it have to be Hogan to clean up the ring? Yes, I know the "Hollywood" tie-in, I know the "Real American" tie-in and I know how Hogan always tries to get involved somehow in WrestleMania for the big "Linda needs a new facelift" pay-off. But concurrently, to allow Hogan the privilege of being the first face with the first real physical diss of Hassan stole that opportunity away from someone actually on the roster and to set up what could have been a real feud for Friday nights. That, and the site of the red & gold geezer manipulating his old HGH bags in front of the American flag was fucking nauseating.

VICTORIOUS: No one unless you were one of the following: Retarded, Canadian, Linda's plastic surgeon or the owner of Nick's chop shop.

INTERPROMTIONAL MATCH, The Undertaker versus Randy Orton
Okay, HERE we go. Now while the build for this match in The Undertaker's terms is pretty status quo, the whole, "Many dragons have laid siege to my kingdom," blahblablah thing, we've heard it all before, it was Orton as the wild card that set this program alight. Orton was on the roll of a lifetime and his status as The Legend Killer was still pretty hot, thus it made perfect sense for him to attempt to vanquish the legendary streak of The Undertaker at WrestleMania. Taker's scare tactics struck a chord in young Orton, but the prodigy was not frightened off, he'd not be deterred from his intention to climb still another rung to the top of the business.

Taker gets a ration of shit over his perceived unwillingness to put over young talent, but if he has an argument against that, this match is his Exhibit A. Granted, Orton was no noob straight out of developmental by this time, plus he'd already been put over by the likes of Triple H and Mick Foley to name just two (this doesn't account for the myriad other legends who'd allowed Orton to spit in their face, RKO them, etc.), but this was a back and forth war from the opening bell. No man enjoyed a clear advantage the entire duration of this battle for more than even a few moves/holds. By the ¾ mark, fans in attendance were on their feet cheering incredulously not for either man, nor against them (witness the white-hot pop as Orton countered the chokeslam into an RKO), but rather for the unbelievable battle of wills they were experiencing before them. I'd go so far as to suggest there was a not-quite-majority of fans in attendance who wouldn't have necessarily minded if Orton was the one to end Taker's streak here, Hepatitis-Bob's interference notwithstanding, simply because this match was SO even fought and equally brought. The ability to proudly proclaim one was in attendance for such a modern-day benchmark is a badge one could wear on one's proverbial lapel for the rest of one's fandom, as well.

Of course, though, the match ended when Taker managed to reverse the Tombstone Orton so audaciously intended to utilize to bury his foe and sink it for victory.

The prevailing thought I took away from this fight was that Orton had completely arrived as a major, main-event mainstay. He looked amazing squaring up every step of the way against the legend of The Undertaker and proved on the grandest stage of them all, he came THAT close to besting the best. I was proud to have been at Staples the following evening for Raw and to have him notice me out in the crowd imitating his pose from the second rope.

(If you require more convincing on Orton's part, outside of kayfabe, Orton managed to uphold his portion of this incredible match with a bum shoulder that had him sidelined until summertime.)

VICTORIOUS: The Undertaker

WOMEN's TITLE MATCH, Trish Stratus defends against Christie Hemme
If this laughable "defense" took place between men, it would have been a Superstars-quality squash. It's the equivalent of Michael Cole challenging Triple H for the WT, Cole thinking he had a shot because Jim Duggan had trained him in both of the wrestling moves he knows. You see, Hemme recruited Lita to teach her how to wrestle, a means to re-introduce Lita following the knee injury that led gave her some very Edge-y free time away from the ring. Quite frankly, Trish could have successfully defended against both these red-headed sluts if they'd teamed her and Lita was healthy.

But blind fandom aside, honestly, the chasm in talent here was so vast, it sickens me to acknowledge the fact that the ONLY reason Hemme got this shot was because she was the first whore in the locker room to bounce up and down when Vince walked in and asked which Diva wanted to take off her clothes for Hef this year (obviously, the least likely to otherwise succeed was the first to volunteer).

Worse yet, though, here's my hero Jim Ross on commentary defending Hemme's right to challenge for a title with crap like, "Trish has an obvious advantage in ability and experience, there's no need to show such disrespect to Christie, or to throw her into the steps, that's just uncalled for." Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Ross, but isn't there a TITLE on the line here? I know JR is only playing the empathetic announcer and building heel heat for Trish, but come on. If Hemme can't stand the proverbial heat, she needs to get the hell out the ring.

Look, it wasn't as bad as the majority of women's matches with one or more Hemme-like Divas populating the ring, but if this worked at all it was because it was all of three minutes long and because Trish worked her ass off to lead Hemme through to the Chick Kick-ing end. Good thing it was short, too, because once the fans about ringside started to catch on that Hemme really was in way over her head, they started to turn on her and side with Trish (and, incidentally, the following night on Raw, we DID completely pop for the champion as she came to the ring to confront the crimson-haired whores, all of us chanting for Trish to kick Lita in her injured knee and then screamed with joy when she did!).

GLORIOUS & VICTORIOUS: Trish Stratus

INTERPROMOTIONAL MATCH, Shawn Michaels versus Kurt Angle
On a card boasting the inaugural Money in the Bank contest as well as Taker/Orton, it's tough to suggest that this, Angle/Michaels, is match of the night, but there's certainly an argument to be made.

HBK opened by confounding Angle, taking it to him on the mat, something few expected, although I'm not sure why. It's the classic strategy of those who forge their reputations on risk-taking and flying high. Eddie Guerrero employed just this same approach against Angle the year prior and, if you wanna go there, that HBK employed against Bret Hart at WrestleMania 12. There are those who make a little name for themselves because of their fearless nature and flipitty-flopitty antics, but there are those, such as Michaels and Eddie, who have it all, and potential foes would do well to remember just how well HBK can go to the mat. Of course, if you're HBK and you start the match by slapping your opponent's face to take them out of their game, which is just what happened here, so the better.

If you're unclear on what the term "telling a story in the ring" means exactly, please isolate yourself with this match, because HBK and Angle is the equivalent of "Wrestling Storytelling for Dummies 101". The level of back-&-forth, of psychology, of drive and desire on both parts here certainly lends to the legend of WrestleMania.

There was a certain irony inherent in the beginning portion of this match, stemming from the somewhat unexpected mat domination of HBK, in that, it wasn't until Angle managed to take advantage of a clean break with a fist to the base of the skull that Angle started to exert his expertise, jumping on The Anklelock, tacitly expressing that he may have underestimated his foe, deciding it might behoove him to end this bout before it really grows legs. The action, however, spilled to the floor and Angle managed to gain a clear advantage when he Angle Slammed the small of HBK's back into the ringpost (a spot that, if you look at the replay, wasn't as spot-on as the commentary might have you believe, but this is a quibble)!

Angle continues his catch-as-catch-can dominance (again, astounding, since it's expected that he'd rule a mat-based game, but no such doing here), HBK attempting a second ill-advised slap to the face, which only served to enrage Angle all the more, as opposed to throwing him off his game, as was HBK's hope/intention.

The match continued to be controlled by Angle until action fell to the floor and HBK went with what he knows and pounced My Olympic Hero from the top rope and returned to the ring, just beating the count, but, as he slid back out on the apron to continue punishing Angle, the 1996 Gold-medalist leaped to the occasion and attempted to German HBK through one of the ringside announce desks, a low mule kick on Michaels' part breaking up the predicament and earning HBK a chorus of boos (It should be noted there were batches of warring "Let's go Angle"/"Let's go Michaels" chants throughout). Angle dropped off the apron and came to rest on one of the announce desks, his undoing, as HBK took that as an opportunity to springboard himself off the ropes and sail with lethal grace and accuracy onto his foe, the table holding fast and not collapsing, both men crumbling to the concrete underneath.

The count was miraculously met, although the athletes lied prone, exhausted and spent, on the canvas until HBK sprang to his feet, landing his patented top-rope elbow drop and began to tune up the band…but when he moved to deliver Sweet Chin Music, Angle caught the foot in motion and twisted it into The Anklelock! From here, each man suspecting the end was near, if not for his foe, then for himself, began to scramble for victory, HBK making the ropes but staggering into an Angle Slam he countered into a Sunset flip for two. Angle attempted to take a page out of HBK's playbook and nail a beautiful high, arcing moonsault, but ended up eating canvas (this leading into the match's build where an obsessed Angle was out to prove he could do anything HBK could do and better).

Angle finally clutched double handfuls of Michaels' hair, screaming into his face to tap, another Anklelock apparently on the way, but, just that quickly, HBK leaned back and served Sweet Chin Music! It seemed as if Angle was unconscious, but for his ability to pull his shoulder lest he be counted down. An exhausted and bewildered HBK made his feet just in time for Angle to find an almost supernaturally renewed vigor, toppling Michaels and crimping another Anklelock, this one proving to be inescapable for HBK, as he suffered and agonized for a solid two minutes before succumbing and tapping.

Orton/Taker managed to elevate Orton while still maintaining the integrity and the legend of The Undertaker. $itB catapulted Edge to the top of the card and set the stage for the main event of the rest of the decade. Here, though, no one was elevated, no one suffered. Rather, this was simply the story of two of the best professional wrestlers in the world hooking it up and telling a spectacular story on the grandest stage of them all, sacrificing their well-being to contribute to the legend that is WrestleMania.

VICTORIOUS: Kurt Angle and wrestling fans all over the world

PIPER's PIT
This is pretty cut-&-dried. The most annoying human being on earth in Roddy Piper hits the ring to be his obnoxious, frogmouthed, asshole self and get in the face of Steve Austin, yet both are interrupted by Carlito, who stupidly thinks he's got it all over both of the legends in the ring. The impudent Puerto Rican shit is summarily shut up by Austin & Piper, and then, just as the second-most overrated piece of shit in the history of professional wrestling thinks he's safe as Austin tosses him beer after beer, The Rattlesnake kick-wham-Stuns Piper and leaves the screeching prick prone and blubbering in his own segment. Oh, Steve, where were you 25 years ago…?

VICTORIOUS: BEST PIPER's PIT EVER

SUMO MATCH: The Big Show versus Akebono
This did virtually nothing for me, as I'm neither a fan of Sumo nor 500 pound men displaying their myriad rolls and dimples in such a state of undress. However, I did appreciate the education Michael Cole and Tazz provided where the significance of this sacred Japanese art is concerned, as Japanese culture is one about which I am both respectful and curious. It was interesting to have this short exhibition occur on an American platform and the more I watch this, the more intrigued I become with the art of Sumo, although I don't see myself starting a column in its regard anytime soon.

VICTORIOUS: Akebono

WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT TITLE, John Layfield defends against John Cena
Hmm. Well this is something I never put together. Watch Cena's WM20 UST victory over The Big Show and then juxtapose it with this WWET win over JBL. Pretty similar. Basically, Cena gets his ass handed to him for about ten or fifteen minutes, but just as he's about to fall to his foe's finisher, he counters, fires up and orchestrates a three-minute rally culminating with an FU-inspired title change. Maybe this is what started all the Cena hate…? Really…it's pretty lame.

Still though, for my own personal sentiment, I'm stoked to see the WWET leave JBL, especially considering I despised JBL so completely at this time that I stopped watching SmackDown! for almost the entire year of his reign, despite the presence of Rob Van Dam on Friday nights…now THAT, my friends, is HATRED…so…

VICTORIOUS: John Cena

WORLD TITLE MATCH, Triple H defends against Batista
The build for this match was fantastic. This was not just the final build for Batista, but the culmination of the EVOLUTION angle and everything was running on all cylinders. Batista had gleaned all he was going to learn from his mentors and it was time for him to step out on his own. Remember the buzz, the pop, the ratings spike when Batista made his decision to remain on Raw and show HHH that the student was ready to school the teacher? Nothing was rushed, nothing was forced. Everything evolved to an organic ending and the stage was set for Big Dave to venture forth on his own. The fans were behind him, all that was left was for him to finally proclaim himself to be his own man above and apart from his self-righteous and greedy teachers in Haitch & Naitch. What better stage than WrestleMania…?

Oh, come on. Does HHH have Lemmy on retainer to play him into the dining room, too? "Time to eat some corrrrrrrrn…!"

VICTORIOUS: Batista

WRESTLEMANIA 25 predictions
There appear to be mixed feelings where the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania card is concerned and, for the record, I, personally, could stand to be a whole lot more excited about this Sunday as it appears on paper. We all know how this stuff goes at times…paper guarantees neither good nor bad, as sometimes, especially at WrestleMania, a sure thing falls apart (Lesnar/Goldberg) and others bring a sleeper to the big dance. But did the announcement that Vince excavated Kid Rock's corpse to perform this Sunday tip the scales on your contribution to the buy rate?

Anyway, I generally tend to suck at prognostication, but here's my two copper offerings nonetheless:

WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT TITLE MATCH, Triple H defends against Randy Orton

WORLD TITLE TRIPLE-THREAT MATCH, Edge defends against The Big Show & John Cena
Okay, both of these matches appear to be pretty cut-&-dried.

First of all, there's simply no way Orton is going to enjoy a three month reign of terror on The McMahons and walk from WrestleMania as the new champion, especially when crossing that threshold requires of him to defeat an ultra-motivated Triple H, who, as we've revealed for the sake of this program, has married into the ruling family. Why, I'd not even exclude the notion of one, two or all three McMahons making an appearance to get in their licks on Connecticut's Most Wanted before the final Pedigree.

Meanwhile, I have a feeling that the duplicitous intentions of Edge and Show where Vickie Guerrero is concerned will eventually get the better of them and cause them to cancel out one another, allowing a focused Cena the opportunity to regain the gold. I'm especially confident in Cena's regard for a couple reasons: 1) He was initially not even going to be involved in this match at all, so it smells like a tailor-made WWE "hero wins the title out of nowhere" kind of scenario, 2) Cena has a film in theatres and it sells a lot better if the star of the film has a belt over his shoulder.

If nothing else, I'm staunchly of the opinion that Vickie's cheating on Edge with Show, combined with her status as interim General Manager on Raw these past several weeks is going to blossom into McMahonagement's answer with respect to how to maintain Edge as a heel while still taking advantage of Vickie's incredible ability to draw heat as an authority figure. I can't tell you how it's going to happen exactly, but I believe firmly that Vickie will become Raw's new permanent GM, thus separating herself from her former lovers Edge & Show, who will remain on SD!. Whether anything will go down in the actual match to put this into motion, or if it will occur in the following week's draft, I can't say.

However, considering both title matches are quietly inter-promotional, I'm left with the sense that something fishy could be on the WWE blackboard, considering the draft happens a week after WM. Time will tell.

VICTORIOUS: Triple H, John Cena

INTERCONTINENTAL MATCH, John Layfield defends against Rey Mysterio
I can honestly see this one going either way, although, as much shit as I talk about JBL, he appears to be extremely generous where putting over Mysterio is concerned. Both Mysterio & JBL can argue for home turf in Houston, as JBL is a native Texan and Mysterio is bound to enjoy a large Latino contingent in attendance. There have been talks of JBL retiring and having scored The ICT, thus making him a WWE record titleholder might be enough to allow him to do so, however, did he drop 100 pounds to get himself back into ring shape or was it just a selling point for his energy drink?

However, Mysterio's been performing like a hungry champion this year, and in unsung fashion, as well. He hung in the Rumble match a good long while and was at the top of his game, and, even though he didn't win, he came back the next month at NO WAY OUT and, again, performed like a thoroughbred in the Elimination Chamber. For a guy who shouldn't even be climbing stairs with the knees he's got, to say nothing of the purgatorial banishment he's suffered this last year on Raw, it seems to me that Mysterio's been tacitly petitioning for a raise and here's the perfect opportunity to honor him. Besides, once Evan Bourne is eventually traded to Raw in The Draft, I think things could get interesting, especially if Mysterio is The ICC.

VICTORIOUS: Rey Mysterio

WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT TAG TEAM TITLES/WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES Unification match, John Morrison & The Miz versus LOS COLONS: Carlito y Primo
First of all, the fact that we're uniting these belts sickens and distresses me, because it signifies to me the wrong way to go in this regard, but it's really a moot argument if this is how we're going.

This one is pretty short, if not so sweet in my book. Here's the deal. Morrison is seasoned, poised and ready to do some amazing things in singles competition and The Draft is his ticket to do so. The Miz…? Well, it's been my assertion that McMahonagement has nothing for him to do other than be ½ of the most awesome WWE tag team since, well, MNM. But he'll be given a shot to excel on his own and booking will determine if he's to endure with the company or be wished the best in his future endeavors (which I think will sadly be the case by SummerSlam).

LOS COLONS have a clear upside in being victorious here because there's not much for them apart at this point. Whichever Bella Twin is ho-ing it with Miz & Morrison is going to inevitably turn on them during the match, displaying that she was just there to undermine them from the beginning, confounding my heroes at the crucial point, and cost them the match and the belts. Of course, eventually, they'll be the undoing of the Puerto Rican brothers as well.

BTW, I echo the sentiments of virtually everyone in The IWC with a lick of sense that it's a goddam shame this was turned into a Lumberjack match, because the schmozzitude factor for what could and should be a spectacular sleeper automatically went through the roof. Thanks, Vince.

VICTORIOUS: LOS COLONS

MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH, CM Punk, Kane, Mark Henry, Montel Vontavious Porter, Shelton Benjamin, Kofi Kingston, Christian, Finlay
There are two halves of this match that make it so entertaining, what I refer to in pro wrestling as the road trip theory; it's not just the end result, the destination, but the road trip, the getting there. I'm not looking as forward to this match as much I might have in previous years; I feel as if there wasn't as heavy a focus on real, viable ladder match-worthy competitors this time around. Still, though, I remain confident that experienced ladder vets like Christian and Benjamin will provide the spotastic bumps for which we anticipate this bout and Punk, Kingston and Finlay will likely rise to the occasion, as well.

This year's road trip may not be the best mix tape in the history of WrestleMania, but let's now focus on the arrival. Who's gonna win? I think we can rule out Kane and Mark Henry. Kane is "trending-down" after his annual freak out into monster phase, and if he doesn't get a title shot at such trend's zenith, it ain't gonna happen in the dénouement and Chubbuh's just 400 pounds of soaking wet filler here. I doubt Punk is going to win two years in a row and Kingston is still too new to be shot to the top in this fashion, rather he's here to provide some flash and zing. Too, Finlay is a solid, rugged hand willing and unafraid to bump his ass off to make this match work (the inevitable appearance of Horny Bastard will pop the kids and the midget lover in YOU, as well).

This leaves Benjamin, Christian or MVP, all of who make a certain sense to walk with the briefcase. Christian, though, I'm afraid, isn't going to be so rewarded this soon after having walked the prodigal road back to Stanford. Captain Charisma is there to take ladder bumps as only he can, to pop the crowd and little else, although my Peep heart is with him. Too, MVP is too soon off his eight year-long losing streak to pull this quality of plum out of the pie, which leaves the stalwart $itB MVP (all deference to Porter), Shelton Benjamin. He's held in high esteem in the eyes of McMahonagement, has really evolved as a heel and has just dropped the UST to MVP, and so has nothing to distract his tunnel vision to a world title. And, if MVP plays his cards right and patterns himself after Benjamin, maybe next year, he can take home the nice, shiny briefcase.

VICTORIOUS: Shelton Benjamin

MISS WRESTLEMAINA 25-PERSON BATTLE ROYAL
Oh the prestige and the glory.

I initially thought one of the Divas signed to WWE might be a lock to take this title, but it stands to reason that one of the six as-yet-unnamed participants could walk with it, like, maybe, Mae Young…? Much as I love her, though, it doesn't make a lot of sense to go that route. Of course we are talking WWE here. Personally, I just wanna see Sunny and Trish.

VICTORIOUS: Maryse

LEGENDS HANDICAP MATCH, Chris Jericho versus Jimmy Snuka, Ricky Steamboat & Roddy Piper
This match sickens me to the core. One-on-one Jericho versus a prime Steamboat? Oh HELL yeah. Part of me wonders if they still couldn't pull off a decent singles contest. But this? Ridiculous. I'm proud of Ric Flair for upholding his retirement status in a business where so many put-to-pasture talent comebacks occur such that Tina Turner would blush, and I'm also thankful we're not going to have to sit through either Jericho/Mickey Rourke or, worse, Jericho/Hogan. Still, this is such a bombastic waste of Jericho's considerable, top-of-his-game talent it makes me consider boycotting this event altogether, I'm SO upset about this bullshit.

VICTORIOUS: Houston's coke dealers for Snuka & Piper's victory party.

EXTREME RULES MATCH, Jeff Hardy versus Matt Hardy
I should really be looking forward to this brawl, but I can't help but feel trepidation in its regard. Now I know it's unfair to bring up the last time these two feuded and the disaster that PPV match ended up being, because they've both grown as performers a hell of a lot since then and they're letting it all hang out this time in an Extreme Rules match. Basically, I foresee Jeff killing himself to kill Matt, but Matt pulling out the sneaky heelishness to walk with this one, although, fear not, Jeff fans, The Extreme Enigma will eventually rally and take this back later in the year…this is just the first stop.

VICTORIOUS: Matt Hardy

INTERPROMTIONAL MATCH, The Undertaker versus Shawn Michaels
Ladies and gentlemen, your match of the night (year…?). In a Texas tribute, Houston homeboy Undertaker will face off one-on-one for the first time against San Antonio's pride and joy Shawn Michaels since their casket match at ROYAL RUMBLE 1998 that herniated two of HBK's vertebrae and put him into semi-retirement. Oh sure, we've had some glorious teases at recent Rumble matches, but no honest-to-goodness one-on-one contest…till now.

Unfortunately, again, though, we need to focus on the road trip portion of the match, because the arrival is the easiest call of the night. Back in late '98, Taker/HBK happened three times and Taker didn't win ONCE
because The WWF was busy dropping coins into the dX tip jar at the time (although HBK didn't win a one of those bouts cleanly). In sum, HBK has some lying down to do, especially considering Taker's streak is on the line once again. Combine that with the fact that HBK took home the ultimate victory at last year's WrestleMania and you don't even have to carry the one to see how this adds up.

VICTORIOUS: The Undertaker and every last fan of wrestling to view what will no doubt be a spectacular centerpiece to this year's extravaganza.

By the way, Vince, get the fucking stick out of your ass over Jack Swagger. The kid's got it all and just needs some seasoning to really put all the pieces together. Let him on the card and let him defend the WWECWT against Evan Bourne. Jesus, why all the concern over quality control NOW? You mean to suggest, Vince, that YOU'RE a more deserving WrestleMania player than a young kid you're going to be bending over backwards to praise in two years, because you, Vince, have monopolized more than your fair share of WM time in the past. A bad Swagger match is WAY better than anything THE BUSHWHACKERS, Brutus Beefcake or The Honky-Tonk Man have ever contributed to this event in the past 25 years, and there's nothing that says Swagger will have a bad match at WrestleMania. BOOK IT!

COMMENTPALOOZA!
To furthermore give people more of an idea of what was going on during the lesnar/goldberg match, I was there at MSG that night and let me tell you this...what you may have heard on TV as far as crowd reaction towards that match was just a small piece of how we all were pissed off at that match.

Yes people were chanting "Hogan ! Hogan!" at one point…mostly due in part to a Hogan look alike roaming through the garden crowd doing poses…hell there was even a "we want Bret" chant going on. We all knew the BS surround brock & goldberg…but at least us NYC fans knew how to make most of it. Like you said Geoff...the true winners of that match was Austin, the fans at MSG...and now UFC.
Posted By: Maurice

Wow, Maurice, big ups to you for having been at such a fantastic show! I'm jealous!

Yeah, I heard the "We want Bret!" chants…this new surround sound system really brings rasslin alive! And I figured there was some guy imitating Hogan in the crowd…man, when a fan imitator can upstage the "action" in the ring…that's pretty bad. I just wonder how that match might have been different had Lesnar waited till after WrestleMania to give his notice…

One of the bits I loved in the ME was Benoit ducking the SCM and sending Michaels over the top rope. It's a symbolic gesture of Benoit saying, "I eliminated people over this very rope to earn my place here tonight and you merely signed MY contract. (how does that work anyway?) So you know what? I'm gonna throw YOU over the top rope on my way to victory." That symbolism, whether intentional or not, was awesome.

And I've been wondering the same thing about Shawn's eyes. He's got that Mark Hamill reconstructive surgery look. It's totally perplexed me.
Posted By: neverAcquiesce

Wow, well thought, nA! That would never have occurred to me in a million years! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love you guys! You bring a quality of thought and insight to this column I alone could not. Thanks, dood!

BTW, I took a Facebook quiz this morning that Larry'd taken before me to figure out which Star Wars character I am, speaking of Mark Hamill…I was, surprisingly, Luke Skywalker and Larry, predictably, was Darth Vader.

Isn't HBK's eye thing a result of his and Jericho's feud? I seem to remember reading something about a broken or fractured orbital bone as a result of a match between HBK and Y2J.
Posted By: massdestraction

Is that it…? It makes sense, because it seems about that time that I started noticing his eye had gone a bit wonky, but I was under the impression that all that eye stuff was scripted…? Hmm…we have a legitimate mystery, gang! Let's split up and look for clues!

i was indeed thinking forward geoff, and i was also thinking in terms of storytelling (both with the angle and the wrestling). wm19's triple threat match was indeed very good, but it struck me that they'd just booked it with an attitude of "yeah, lets just throw our three top women out there and see what they could do", whereas trish-mickie had a big long build and i really liked mickie's strategy in the match.

oh and about the "mickie grabs trish's privates" spot, that was indeed in their wm22 match. i've only seen 22 on dvd and cannot recall seeing mickie lick her hand before hand, so maybe thats how they edited it.

as far as cena-hhh goes, i just felt it took a bit too long to get going, the only thing that kept me interested in the middle section of the match was the hot crowd.

now, mania xx, one of my personal favourites.
i have to applaude your assessment of the handicap match, that was just spot on. i have to keep pinching myself to remember orton and batista were sharing a ring with the rock, and also mick in his home state. it struck me as being a huge rub for them, especially having them force two of the biggest babyfaces from the prime of the attitude era playing "face in peril" like you said.

the two title matches i adored, and undertaker-kane, while i could care less for the match itself, remains vivid in my memory, simply because "dead" taker was back, his entrance that night made my hair stand up on end, tremendous moment.

as for shawns cross-eyes, the first time i can recall noticing them was at survivor series 2007 cutting his promo on orton

Posted By: DaJ

DaJ, you're absolutely correct in your assessment of the manner in which WWE treated its Women's Title matches. It simply boggles that Mickie would be down in developmental for so long, that she'd receive such a huge debut storyline and be so popular, and then be lucky if she makes TV anymore, especially considering she's one of the very best wrestlers in her division, is smoking hot and can play either denomination with such grace. It pisses me off, too, that the "naughty spot" was edited out of the DVD. Fucking little kids ruin everything. At least iTunes gives you the option of purchasing a sanitized version of a song or album.

Thanks for the proverbial high-five on the handicap match. Although I was disappointed that R&SC lost, thus causing me to dislike the match at the time, it's really gained significance over the years as being so important for Orton's, uhm, evolution, and it's great, in retrospect, to see the old timers doing the right thing, especially on such a huge platform.

2007?! Really? Wow, I need to start an investigation and look at some older footage. This eye thing is really starting to bug me…

I was at WM20 (No, I didn't sneak in, but I could have. Nobody even checked our tickets because they were just letting all the people in so they could be there on time) and I was actually a little disappointed by the crowd chants during Lesnar-Goldberg. Leaving the E or not, this should have been a great brawl b/n two larger-than-life characters and them leaving on a high note. Had they been professionals, they would have. Imagine what would have happened had the Rock and Hogan reacted similar in Toronto. An otherwise WM favorite of mine would have been ruined. But Rock-Hogan are real pros and knew how to roll with it.

I drank way too much way too early and kind of wore down (the Guiness during the show wasn't doing it for me like the Jack was pre-show) by the final match. I enjoy Benoit but he's never been the 2nd (or 1st) coming to me, so while it was a hell of a match, I don't have the personal connection to it as many of the iwc seem to do. I actually enjoyed Eddie-Angle (which happened to be my wife's 2nd favorite match, Rock-Foley-vs-Evolution her favorite) much more. A great (not one of my favorites though) Wrestlemania card none the less.

Post WM, I did some trolling and told people at the Friday's by MSG and the bar in the Port Authority (the silver bullet or shooters?) that Brock-Goldberg was the match of the night. By then, I was back in my groove by drinking copious amounts of "jackbombs" (shot of jack dropped in a little red bull) so I had caught my 4th wind and was really pissing people off by telling them Benoit was overrated. I didn't mean it, but it was great to see their expressions. Some wrestling fans really have no sense of humor about their "sport."

Kevin Sullivan the wrestler sucked. Chop, punch, kick is about all I remember. Kevin Sullivan the manager/leader of the Varsity Club and his "Satanic Cult" in FL was pretty cool. Dungeon of Doom Sullivan sucked also, except for his great match with Benoit (THERESTH A LADY IN DEH MENSTHS THROOM IN BALTIMO !!) who had great matches with anyone.

Sid also had a hell of a look. To this day, I think I'd be scared shitless if I ran into a pissed off Sid.

Good work and appreciate the effort as always.
Posted By: Angry Bear

Bear, you win comment of the week for that awesome Duthty Rhodeth quote…I totally LOLed!

Agreed about Lesnar/Goldberg. Lesnar was still too new to the business to roll with that kind of response (ironic considering it was his last match and he'd accomplished so much) and Goldberg would just as soon sulk in the back and cash his check as know how to manipulate a rowdy crowd. Any Goldberg fans who think he deserves to be in the same air as The Rock, eg, need to take note of your excellent juxtaposition of the two. Yes, the manner in which Rocky rolled with Toronto's *coughdisgustingcough* Hogan love proved just how "ON" he was and it kinda turned my stomach to see that he deserted us all to host the fucking Kids' Choice Awards.

Gee whiz, man, you drink like you're being paid to do it! That whole instigation of fans with respect to Brock/Lesnar & Benoit is right out of my brother's playbook. I would have been one of those people whose feathers you ruffled, especially as sloshed as I'd've been by that point in the evening (although I likely would've put an exclamation point on my argument with, "Yeah? Who's got the title, buddy?!"

Chop, punch, kick is all Sullivan knew how to do. I'm sorry, I just have nothing positive to say about him. He looked and wrestled like the arena janitor, whom Benoit could've gotten as good a match out of, too.

Sid, though, yes, I can't argue the fact that he was a scary motherfucker, and I'll even grant you that he had an incredible intensity, too, but he was the epitome of one-dimensional in the ring. I believe, too, that he was once outsmarted by the ringpost.

I really enjoyed reading this article, great job.

Not as much as I enjoyed this PPV though! I loved it. My 2nd favorite Mania ever- X-7 being my fav.

I didn't enjoy any of the tag title matches and it pained me that Molly had to have her head shaved to convince the WWE to let her on the card.

Y2J vs Christian was fantastic and the storyline going into it was amazing as was Trish's turn.

The Handicap match was just fun. Rock and Flair's interaction was hilarious.

Taker vs Kane while not a great match was a good spectacle and I remember marking out after hearing Paul Bearer's voice.

I had very high expectations of the two world title matches and they more than lived up to them.

Outstanding show!
Posted By: Tim

Thanks so much, Tim! I think a lot of folks were expecting my favorite WM to be X-7, too, but there was just not enough "right" on that card for my liking (Jericho/Regal, for as good as they are and as much back-story as their awesome feud received, the match itself was way too short, Tazz & THE APA/RTC was a schmozz, Eddie/Test was well below expectations, Chyna/Ivory was pedestrian and the whole McMahon family hour was a total turn-off, aside from the fact that I'm STILL pissed off that Shane-O ripped off RVD's VanTerminator). WM19 is a big favorite of mine, as well (Hogan/Vince, HHH/Booker and that pillow fight nonsense being the event's downfall in my eyes).

Geoff, I get what the intention was at One Night Stand as well as the reaction to Cena. What I didn't care for was the "Thank you Edge!" chants for getting involved. To me, that along with the Heyman pin hurt what would have been something really special for RVD. I get that the fans didn't like Cena and wanted RVD to win, but they came across like a bunch of drug abusers who had just received some dope. Instead of RVD earning his title, it was practically handed to him. Usually, "smart" fans want to see their hero WIN a match and not get lucky. I would have had RVD beat Cena clean, Cena hand RVD the belt and raise RVD's hand, so that RVD can soak up the crowd's cheers after well earned victory. Perhaps RVD could have put Cena over with the ECW fans by telling them that Cena brought it and won his respect. Many would have probably booed Cena anyway and perhaps turn on RVD, but it would have gotten Cena over with a lot of "smart" fans. Finally, "Flash" Rey was AWESOME! Smatter choo?
Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth

We're just gonna have to agree to disagree on both points, Schmoove. The Hammerstein fans just wouldn't have bought RVD putting over Cena and I don't think RVD going over clean as a whistle would have mattered. The fact is, in many of our eyes, RVD as a world champion was so long overdue, nothing mattered as long as he walked with the gold.

And, no, dood, sorry, but Mysterio looked like a retard as Flash.

alot of people don't realize how important 'mania XX is. it was the last showing of the rock, goldberg, and lesnar. say what you will about any of them, that's damn important.
Posted By: csonkamaniac

Wrestlemania XX is my favorite Wrestlemania of all time. It was my first. I had only been watching for three months and all the moves still looked crisp.
Posted By: the dude

WWE really did its 20th anniversary right, absolutely (a hell of a lot better than they're doing their 25th, IMO.

Sorry I missed commenting last week. I was quite busy with forming and hustling bracket pools in the big city.

I wouldn't have commented much outside of one comment you made regarding Kevin Sullivan. Just proves that it is different strokes for different folks. Mick Foley even has less of a moveset than Kevin Sullivan but most people love Mick and hate Kevin. I never understood the attraction of Foley because all he can really do is take unnecessary beatings to get over with the fans. The only time he didn't HAVE to was in ECW when he popped one of the most brilliant promos of all time (and broke kayfabe rules in the process) which pleased one of the most progressive fanbases of all time at the Bingo Hall.
Posted By: thegunisgood

Ah, yes, you boys and your sports. Hope you're enjoying watching the big guys playing with their balls. Great to have you back, gun! It's not the same without you!

Foley has never attempted to fool anyone into believing he has an "Anglesque" move set, but what sets him above and apart from other ham & eggers like Sullivan is that Foley has a clinical understanding of the psychology, which, combined with his unquenchable passion of the business, allowed him to deliver promos such as the one you mentioned, as well as knowing when, how and why to make his incredible bumps and spots mean the most, which is why he's an enduring and beloved figure.

I want to comment on more, but I'm actually dangerously close to maxing out the amount of content the system will allow! Thanks for joining me this week! Enjoy WM25 and come back next week as we run down the event's particulars and start looking ahead to the 2009 Draft! RESPECK!