Brooklyn Brawlin' 04.08.09: Ranting, Raving, Reviewing, and Ranking Wrestlemania XXV

Posted by Dan Torkel on 04.08.2009

You know what Wrestlemania XXV could've really used, some more cowbell... oh and a TAG TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH

Greetings. Many of us watched Wrestlemania XXV this past sunday, spending an inordinate $55 of our hard earned money. Some of us loved the show. Some of us hated it. Some were left checking their lint-filled pockets thinking they were robbed. I am a mixture of all 3, but mostly the last two.

My thoughts on Wrestlemania XXV –

Match Results and Ratings –

Match 1. MITB – CM Punk defeated Shelton Benjamin, Kane, MVP, Finlay, Christian, Mark Henry & Kofi Kingston. Again. This started the show off which immediately struck me as surprising as I was sure the Tag Title Unification Match would open. The positives here can quite simply be summed up in one word: KOFI! Kofi Kingston had a coming out party for himself in his Mania debut first leaping the ladder and then pulling out a few crazy spots including climbing the unfolded straightened ladder held by Mark Henry. Kofi stole the show away from the usual MITB standout, Shelton Benjamin, who unfortunately showed off why he has never been able to elevate above mid card status. He was totally careless and blew several key spots. He nearly killed MVP twice; first on the botched Sunset powerbomb from the ladder and then with the powerbomb over the top to the floor. Christian also blew a key spot as he didn't land the Unprettier off the ladder at all. In the end Punk wins again for the second straight year leaving me thinking… huh, what? MITB has been used to elevate mid carders to main event status like Edge, RVD, and Punk LAST YEAR! Punk does not and should not need a briefcase to establish himself as a top tier guy. In the last year he has held the World, IC, and Tag Titles. Why not let MVP, Christian (who may be new to some fans), or Kofi win it? Punk winning would make sense if Orton was Champion, since he and Orton never had a proper blowoff from when Orton cost him the World Title at Unforgiven. This match however, was not great, was the worst of the MITBs and may have jumped the shark for the entire concept. ***.

PAUSE… 15 F'N MINUTES OF KID ROCK!!! So let me get this straight. They book 9 matches for 4 hours of programming. One match goes 21 SECONDS!!! That leaves 8 matches to fill 3 hours, 59 minutes and 48 seconds of programming. And yet they cut a UNIFICATION TAG TITLE MATCH and let Kid "I haven't been really popular since the early 2000's and am currently more famous for having dated Pam Anderson" Rock have 15 minutes! Unreal. Someone needs to get fired for this.
That all set up…

Match 2. Miss Wrestlemania Battle Royal: I wrote last week that this had potential if it were treated like the WM X-7 Gimmick Battle Royal and they had reached out to the past ladies before signing and announcing this clusterfuck of a match. This was totally the wrong way to do this. Why even bother reaching to past female wrestlers and then NOT introduce them? Sunny, Jackie Gayda, Molly Holly… nobody even knew they were there! And then to add insult to everyone, they have Santino in drag win it. God dammit, did I mention there was TAG TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH! - ***, This is a candidate for worst Mania match ever.

Match 3. Chris Jericho defeated Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat – One of my only mark out moments of Wrestlemania XXV was watching one of my all time favorites, Ricky Steamboat do his "fine wine" impression and prove that he only got better with age. If you cut the dead weight, and just ran a 10 minute Jericho/Steamboat match, we might have hit 4 star territory. Then, the stupidity came into play as after the whole big sch-bang with Jericho and Legends and Rourke, we get a 30-second sparring session where a washed up actor does what 4 legends couldn't and KO Jericho. Unreal. **1/2, all for Steamboat bringing the goods.

Note to WWE production: Way to pull a TNA and completely miss Steamboat skin the cat. It is only his signature move!

Match 4. Matt Hardy over Jeff Hardy via Chair Assisted Twist of Fate – This was better than MITB and probably should have been even more of a spotfest than it was. I liked how Matt played on Jeff's biggest problem as a wrestler; which is always trying to do a HUGE spot to please the fans rather than just win a match, and avoided Jeff's huge risk leading to the end. Matt proved that the least flashy of the team is not always the weak link and went a long way in separating himself from the likes of Marty Jannetty. Matt always was the smarter and better wrestler of the Hardys and he proved it here. The finisher was SICK and inventive to boot. This was a good match, but I feel they were saving some stuff for later on. ***1/4

Match 5. Rey over JBL for the IC Title IN 21 SECONDS!!! We silly smarks were fooled. For the first time in 7 WM's the IC Title is getting defended and it gets the SD Jones treatment. So just to recap… IC Title match, 21 seconds, and KID ROCK GETS 15 FUCKING MINUTES! Someone needs to get fired for this! So the 9 match card, gets reduced to 8 and then there's this, so that means 7 matches in 4 hours, one of which was the battle royal. Again I say, UNREAL! This should have at least left room for the TAG TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH!!! DUD.

Match 6. Undertaker defeated Shawn Michaels with a 2nd Tombstone in over 30 minutes – This was not a perfect wrestling match, but holy hell was this epic! In fact, I officially name this the Stone Cold/Bret Hart of this Wrestlemania, as in everything else was so annoying, forgettable, and or shitty that this is really the only reason to ever watch the show. From Michaels whiffing on a moonsault on the floor to Taker murdering a cameraman and nearly killing himself in the process, to the crazy Japan-style kicking out of finishers, this was just all sorts of phenomenal. I love how Michaels never did feel the fear of Taker and took things right to him all the way, I love how they used all the crazy counters and big moves they had, and even though we all knew Taker would win, it didn't matter because we were glued to the screen by the end. I must say two things that came to mind during this match: 1) How sad is it that Wrestlemania XXV's best match and a possible all time Mania great is put on by two guys in their mid 40's, and 2) Kudos to Undertaker who about 5 – 6 years ago looked gassed and done and I for one couldn't wait for him to retire. Talk about a career resurgence and getting better with age. This is 3 consecutive Wrestlemanias where he has had a MOTYC, the previous two winning World Titles, and this one cementing his legacy with a victory over someone of equal status to him. He changed with the times, altered his gimmick, look, and moveset and the result is a better Undertaker than ever. I can now say Taker is not only THE greatest big man of all time, but without a doubt one of the greatest to ever live. And for Shawn Michaels… words just do not do him justice. His longevity and perseverance are simply remarkable, and his ability to bring it on a big stage deserves mention with those "real athletes" in pro-sports. One last comment, I said in last week's column and in the roundtable that this should've main evented, and I was way right, as those last two "main events" were out there to die. Oh, like you needed to ask; *****

Match 7. John Cena defeated Edge and Big Show to win the World Title – And thus pose the question, why the hell did they take the title off Cena at the meaningless No Way Out show 5 weeks ago only to put it right back on him. Something should be said for Flair, and Hogan who have so many title reigns but held the belt for long periods of time while Triple H and Cena compile them at leisure. This was just another triple threat match, not as good as last year's which at least boasted a good build and surprise ending with Orton retaining. Show did all the usual Big Show spots and Edge and Cena brought their usual as well. All in all it was a good match just not in a Wrestlemania Main Event level good. And, the final spot was not all that impressive when I've been seeing Eric Young at 220 pounds do the same Double DVD to guys bigger than him for months in TNA. *** but totally unmemorable and poorly located on the card as they were dead after that last match.

Hall of Fame Honorees – Austin takes up another 10 minutes of my money that could have been used for, I don't know… A TAG TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH!

Match 8. Triple H defeated Randy Orton to retain the WWE Title – Boy oh boy was this awful. Not in the negative star rankings way, but in maybe the biggest let down ever sort of way. This should have been a Streetfight, no rules, blood filled brawl or should not have even been done at all. Randy Orton might as well change his name to Lex Luger because he ALWAYS CHOKES! Triple H is the Flair to Orton's Luger as not only has Orton had every title reign ended by Hunter, but here in a career defining moment and situation he is AGAIN left punked out and humiliated by Triple H. After Raw, and then watching this match, all I could think of was that Orton was like every Bond villain in movie history; spending 20 minutes telling Bond how he is going to kill him and destroy the world only for Bond to of course escape and achieve victory. Orton described how he planned this over the course of 4 years… well then Randy, just friggin retire because if you can't cash in after 4 years you are a joke, and a loser. And worst of all he is a whiny little bitch bully who beat up every small kid and then got owned in the schoolyard. Where does the E go with Orton now? Backlash, a triple threat, come on. His guys look like jokes by default since he has already been made to look like a joke here. The WWE has gone PG and this match was the victim as a feud this vicious needed a bloody raging war and instead it lulled everyone to sleep. Undertaker and Shawn pulled a Rock/Hogan and again it's Triple H who is left feeling the brunt as HIS main event died a slow painful and worst of all boring death. **

Overall – 3 words: ONE MATCH SHOW! Everyone should see Taker and Shawn but everything was forgettable or badly booked. As a teacher I constantly fight the battles of time management during my lessons. Well someone needs to give the WWE a lesson in time management since they charged $55 for a show and were given 4 hours to fill and gave us 6 actual matches, one 21 second joke, one 5 minute "battle royal" with no introductions, a god-awful rock concert and a million 10 minute video packages. They advertised a TAG TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH and then have the audacity to put it as a DVD exclusive! So they can charge us $5 extra for this year's show, and then short change us a match and make us spend another $30 for the DVD just to see it! That is disgusting gall on WWE's part. Why not put Kid Rock's concert as a DVD exclusive. UGH. This was as disappointing a Wrestlemania I can remember as I was looking forward to most of the matches and all but one match (between 40 year olds) were substandard. Both title matches were lacking in heat and mildly boring (especially Orton/HHH), the MITB was filled with badly blown spots, and the IC Title match a complete rip off. I am the biggest wrestling fan I know, and today when planning this article I could not even remember the matches from the show. That says something. I would squeeze this firmly in the bottom 3rd of Wrestlemanias right next to Wrestlemania XIII (the other great one match show) but actually beneath it as Stone Cold/Bret Hart has the historical significance to push it above this. A year from now all anyone will remember from this show is Taker and Michaels defying the laws of age and putting on a classic.

Oh, and as a final insult to the paying customer, what did Raw open with (for free mind you)… A TAG TEAM TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH!!! Have fun storming the castle.