The Wrestling Bard 04.11.09: Wrestlemania Journal

Posted by Aaron Hubbard on 04.11.2009

The Bard's immediate thoughts watching the biggest show of the year.

Well, it's that time of year again. Wrestlemania is in the books, WWE is heading towards Backlash, and the sports entertainment calendar has started a new year. For me, this is kind of the cool down period, where I come down from my "Road to Wrestlemania" high, and start looking towards the more urgent things in life. Like, end of term exams and enrolling in the next semester classes. *gag*

Recently, I've been putting in a bit more work than usual for 411. Had it not been for some technical difficulties, I would have been a part of Brace for Impact last week, in addition to my column, helping Sforcina with his Ultimate Mania (which was a BLAST), my own countdown to Mania project, as well as various staff shared projects (roundtables, top fives, WOTW). I'm not complaining, but it has been a little draining on my creative juices. Initially, I had a good topic that had nothing to do with this year's Wrestlemania, but as I spent much of the day typing it out, I realized I'm going to have to due some tweaking and editing in order to be satisfied with it, so this will be a short term-project that you can expect in three weeks.

So today, I'm going to avoid any pretense of creativity or originality and talk about what everyone else is talking about: Wrestlemania XXV. By now, the general consensus is that the show was at worst atrocious and at best, merely average. I find this strange, since I enjoyed the show more than the last three. Perhaps it was watching it with my family, or maybe it was the self-fulfilling prophesy of my positive outlook, or maybe it was because I refused to be a critic, but merely a fan for this special night. Whatever the reason, it seems I enjoyed this show much more than anyone else.

What follows is not a critique of the show as much as it is a journal of my thoughts as I watched it. I will save my review of the show for when the DVD comes out. So now, I will follow the advice of the caterpillar, and begin at the beginning, and I will not stop until I get to the end.

Wrestlemania Opening
--- Sadly, I don't think I'll get to hear most of this due to my family squawking.
--- Pretty cool way to review the history of Wrestlemania and what it means to different performers. Much better than last years' video package, and probably the best since XX.

America The Beautiful
--- MAN….look at that crowd. That's impressive.
--- My 10 year old sister, watching her first Wrestlemania, is marking out for the Pussycat Doll.
--- Why would you have an act called the "Pussycat Dolls" on WWE-PG?
--- Not a bad rendition, but I would have preferred Lillian Garcia.

Pyrotechnics and Announcers
--- Awesome pyro as usual. It's telling of WWE's production values that we take this sort of thing for granted now.
--- So we get the triple team of Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Jim Ross. Great, I always wanted to listen to Cole for four hours. Where's my bingo card?
--- Sadly, no Matt Striker, who would have been GOLD.

Money in the Bank
--- CM PUNK! Sorry, I have to mark out for the guy.
--- There's my boy Shelton, and I think it's his time to win.
--- GO!
--- Well, at least there is logic in Kane and Henry destroying everyone first.
--- Man, Kofi can jump. There's your first mark out moment of the night, provided by the Jamaican from Ghana. DAH EM BAH SEE!
--- Oh boy, the obligatory dives. At least MVP gave a shout out to Misawa with that hilo.
--- HOLY CRAP SHELTON'S DEAD! Wasn't expecting that. Crowd echoes my sentiments.
--- For crying out loud, Henry can't do a dive…if he gets on the top rope, the ring will snap. Oh, it's just Hornswoggle. Kane is going "I can't believe I sold for that midget."
--- THROUGH THE LADDER? OK, Kofi has gotten the Shelton Benjamin award with that trick.
--- Wow, Kofi just outdid Morrison. I guess Henry > another ladder as a base. SHEESH, Henry may have just saved Kofi's life with that catch. Well, that will be a hard spot to outdo.
--- Well, at least they are going through the effort to make these contraption set ups not look contrived.
--- UNPRETTIEST UNPRETTIER EVER! And not in a good way, Punk almost hit a diving headbutt on Christian.
--- SHELTON RUNS UP THE LADDERS! Sunset flip….awww….botch. Cole actually deserves points for talking about how MVP rolled down the rungs and how that would hurt.
--- He's not going to do the powerbomb anyway? OH, to the outside on Henry and Atlas. Tony: "I'm too old for this. I was Mr. USA, and now I'm getting power rangers tossed on me."
--- Wait, so Shelton was supposed to run up a ladder from the floor, across a ladder balanced on the ropes, up a ladder standing in the ring, flip over and powerbomb MVP outside and on to Henry? That's crazier than any of the stupidly unsafe spots I've written. Think they'll try that next year?
--- Christian is my hero! That balancing act was great.
--- Well, Kane promised to bust something out for this match, but that shoveslam was a bit anticlimactic.
--- Punk wins? SRSLY? That's cool….I guess. Maybe he'll get a real run with a belt this time.
--- Crowd isn't happy. HEEL TURN! Have him do his militant straight-edge gimmick and feud with Jeff Hardy. Book it!
--- My roundtable predictions are 0 for 1.

Kid Rock Mini-Concert and Diva Battle Royal
--- Ball with the bang, de bang de bang diggy diggy…sorry, nostalgia. My older brother got into rock around the time this came out, so I marked out a little.
--- Man, he's singing quite a few songs…well, it gives me a break to get pizza and soda.
--- He's STILL singing? Man, I hope this doesn't cut into Undertaker-Shawn Micheals.
--- Hey, how is he getting away with these lyrics? It's WWE-PG! Didn't he get the memo?
--- Oh, so all the divas come out at once? That's lame. Sunny should have gotten her own entrance at least.
--- KELLY KELLY KELLY KELLY KELLY! And I don't have to feel like a pedophile like you guys!
--- Oh. My. Stars and Garters. Santino is in DRAG. If he wins, I riot.
--- Victoria sighting! Sforcina is now changing his pants.
--- So Santino wins this? What was the point?
--- "SANTINA"? *Shoot me*
--- A STRIP TEASE? *Hang me*
--- Seriously, that was disgusting, in more ways than one. They hyped the heck out of this, they bring past divas, and it lasts all of five minutes (roughly), with no individual entrances. Then, you have a midcard comedy act beat the entire women's division and be named "Miss Wrestlemania". This is insulting to all of the women in this match. I hope "Santina" gets paid well, because he has officially lost any dignity he had.
--- My roundtable predictions are 0 for 2. This is not a good omen.

Chris Jericho vs. Legends
--- Why, there's quite a bit of "The Wrestler" in this video package. Ring of Honor makes its Wrestlemania debut! Pretty cool video package, but I wonder if this match merited it.
--- Mickey Rourke is at ringside and looks almost as old as Jimmy Snuka!
--- ….Never mind. Jimmy looks older than Methuselah. Piper's lost a lot of weight post-cancer. Steamboat looks fantastic.
--- Wow, Piper looks motivated tonight. Seriously, a crossbody over the top and a sunset flip?
--- Geriatric dropkick!
--- Snuka headbutt. One move down, 2 to go. Chops. Will we see a splash?
--- FLYING CHOP! Go Dragon! And a DEEEEP armdrag! And another one! Jericho is in an armbar. Jericho knows at least 758 different versions of that hold, so Ricky better be careful.
--- Walls of Jericho…good gracious he's gonna kill Snuka with that. Was that a tap? REALLY?
--- EYE POKE! SLEEPER HOLD! VINTAGE! PIPER IS ROLLING!
--- Oops, Enzuigiri by Jericho puts Piper away. Nice to see him bust out an old finisher.
--- CROSSBODY BLOCK! THIS DRAGON WILL SCORCH YOUR BACK!
--- Jericho is thinking, "I'm wrestling Ricky Steamboat, I'm wrestling Ricky Steamboat, I'm wrestling Ricky Steamboat…"
--- Steamboat skins the cat! How could they NOT get that on camera? PESCADO! God bless Ricky. Yeah, I'm a complete mark right now.
--- Lionsault misses! If Steamboat wins this gets *****. Walls…INSIDE CRADLE! 1…2…NO!
--- Codebreaker! Well, it was too good to last, but Ricky Steamboat has proved that he can still go. I missed watching Ricky live, as he was a tad before my time, but this was awesome.
--- And Ric Flair comes in. Careful Ric. More than two bumps and Shawn will never forgive you. He'll still love you though.
--- Ah, so Jericho is going to call out Rourke. That's cool I guess. Plz to hab a Ram Jam?
--- I could have gone to get a Pepsi in the time it took Rourke to get to the ring.
--- Oh snap, Jericho just got knocked out! That hurt me, Harley.
--- I guess that makes Rourke > Jericho > Steamboat > Snuka, Piper, and Flair. Or maybe Jericho is just too worn out trying to keep up with the Dragon to put up a good fight.
--- 1 for 3! YAY, I get a point!

Hardy vs. Hardy
--- Once again, the video package is well done, but a little excessive. Looking at these pictures, I wonder if the scrawny brothers from Cackilacki ever thought they would get to wrestle each other at Wrestlemania XXV. Even if they never amount to anything more, that's a pipe dream fulfilled. Congrats Captain Emo. And Jeff Hardy.
--- MATT HARDY HAS TIGHTS!
--- Jeff hits Matt with a Wrestlemania poster. Jerry Lawler: "Matt finally got his face on a Wrestlemania poster." OUCH. Double checking, he is not on the Mania wallpaper. Double ouch.
--- POETRY IN MOTION off of the steps! What a great "Screw you!" to Matt. Jeff just told Matt, I don't need you to do this, and I can do it TO you.
--- Goodness, that chair shot counter to the Whisper in the Wind was sick. Don't take out his legs Matt. He still has spots to hit!
--- A vacuum cleaner? BACKYARD STYLE! What's he going to do, suck up Jeff's paint?
--- Both of them are pretty crisp tonight. Nice to see.
--- I always found the crutch to be ironic. "I'm going to cripple you with a crutch!"
--- That was a pretty nasty chairshot. Better than any of Edge's in the last year.
--- Crazy double table set-up. "Matt, move your leg!" "Oh right…sorry Jeff!"
--- Good thing Matt had that chair on him, or he might have been impaled by the table. Cool spot.
--- LADDERS! Slingshot legdrop misses! Jeff: "My bum, my bum, my bum."
--- Twist of Fate with a chair! SICK! Great finish. That whole match was fun.
--- 1 for 4…..good thing I'm not gambling.

Rey Mysterio vs. JBL
--- So here is JBL's rumored last match, and he saves us from the music with a long winded conversation. He guarantees victory. Hopefully Mysterio doesn't pull a 1.5 Muta and lose by disqualification.
--- JOKER MYSTERIO! YES! "Why so serious?"
--- Actually, Batman would have been pretty cool too. Or what about Two-Face? That would have been pretty original.
--- Ross: "Mysterio's career is alive and well!" Not right, but I still laughed.
--- Big boot by Bradshaw before the bell, THAT BULLY! There's a tongue twister for ya.
--- Wow. Three moves and Rey is champ! 2 for 5!
--- JBL for thirty seconds = WIN. Rey for thirty seconds = FAIL. My sister was looking forward to watching Rey Rey.
--- JBL quits. Cool moment as the crowd still boos him. PLEASE go to the commentator's desk!
--- Okay, it may have been a ripoff. But really, it sums up JBL's character perfectly. He talks a good game, he's a bully, and then he jobs to a Mexican. Definitely poetic justice there.

Gabriel vs. Michael
--- For those who don't read everything I write, that translates to "The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels". Awesome video package, as if I wasn't hyped enough for this match. I just hope it can live up to the hype.
--- Awesome entrance by the Mordecai Kid. Gold and white looks awesome.
--- And Undertaker comes from Hell to fight Shawn Michaels. Well, so much for my "Angel of Death" theory. Screw it, we got a match to watch!
--- Shawn uses his speed to evade punches and get in some chops, but gets thrown out onto the turnbuckle. Ouch.
--- SUCK IT! Who's holy now? Ah crap, Shawn is hurt…nope, Lou Thesz Press! Wow, he got me. Awesome reference to the Batista feud as this really is the culmination of Shawn's yearlong trials.
--- Gorilla Press! Wow, haven't seen that from Taker in a while.
--- Old School and I'm amazed Shawn doesn't counter that. Big boot misses.
--- Shawn goes for the legs, and Shawn applies the modified figure-four. Jamie Noble: "It's as close as I'll get to a main event in WWE."
--- Dropkick to the knee! Sweet. Wow, Taker is selling the leg. That's different.
--- CHRISTIAN CROSSFACE! I was hoping he'd bust that out. Not quite as cool as Angle's chokeslam counter to a wheelbarrow roll and then the Ankle Lock, but a close second.
--- Kick by Shawn is no sold. There's the Taker I know and love. Oh, flying forearm already. I hope this doesn't end this quickly.
--- Hey, doesn't Taker know to stay down for the elbow? Weird moment there, but I guess it was supposed to be Taker dodging the superkick as fast as possible.
--- GOGOPLATA! IT'S OVER ALREADY! No….Shawn gets the ropes. Go scrawny spider monkey. Weird to see that move not draw blood. WWE-PG is a little ridiculous.
--- VINTAGE MISS!
--- Shawn climbs, slips, and that gives Taker enough time to swat Shawn away when he tries the Moonsault. Very nice subtle moment from the Showstopper, followed by a not so subtle SPLAT.
--- Oh great, the clichéd big dive…MISSES! OH MY….TAKER LANDED ON HIS HEAD! HE'S REALLY DEAD!
--- Oh, thank God, he's moving. Shawn moved a cameraman in the way. Nice throwback to history. Hey guys, if we can avoid any more landing on the external occipital protuberance, that would be nice. Thanks.
--- Shawn is praying for a count-out. See, this is a nice character moment. Shawn is praying, but he has finally shown fear. And now he wants the Sweet Chin Music…CHOKESLAM! Shawn is getting serious air on every bump.
--- Obligatory Chin Music and nearfall, so this should be about it. Nope, Taker's going to try the Last Ride…sunset flip…GOOZLE…LAST RIDE! That was a phenomenal sequence.
--- Taker tries the elbow drop….misses. Since when does the Deadman try to mock his opponents? Wow, Shawn really has gotten in his head.
--- Skin the cat….COUNTERED INTO A TOMBSTONE! AWESOME! 1….2….NOOOOOOO! Marking out factor is at about 1 Billion. Shawn is gonna win this. Go God Boy, Go!
--- Taker's look of shock was priceless. Crowd pop was nuts too.
--- Another Tombstone….countered into an AWFUL tornado DDT. It was cool in theory at least. Shawn really doesn't hit that move very well.
--- ELBOW DROP! SWEET CHIN MUSIC! 1….2….NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
--- Oh my….I can't take much more of this. This is insane. Crowd is chanting "This is awesome!" They are right. This is just incredible.
--- Ugh, melodramatic spot as they help each other up. Doesn't last too long and they start slugging it out. BIG BOOT! STICK!
--- Shawn going up top…wait a minute…MOONSAULT CAUGHT! YES! TOMBSTONE! 1…2…3! Taker goes 17-0, and I go 3-6.
--- What a fantastic match. I had a few problems, but this was storytelling at its finest. I won't call it the Match of the Year, but I don't think you'll see a better match on a bigger stage between two bigger icons this year.
--- Shawn Michaels in the back to Triple H: "FOLLOW THAT!"

Triple Threat for the World Championship
--- Good idea to follow with this since it will probably be more fun and lighthearted than serious.
--- Yeah, I'll be rooting for Big Show in this. Go Kansas Giant!
--- WORD LIFE! BASIC THUGANOMICS! Well, I didn't think I could mark out so quickly after Taker-Shawn, but that did it.
--- THOUSANDS OF CENAS! Is he Agent Smith now?
--- Wait…that would make Edge Neo and Vickie…blech.
--- Shoulder block on Show fails. Shoo fly.
--- Show drops Edge crotch-first on the ropes. Nice psychology really.
--- The Big Man is dominating to my delight…until now. Edge dropkicks the steps into Show's legs and Cena hits the legdrop bulldog onto the floor. Cool spot.
--- Edge decides he likes his attitude the way it is and hits a DDT.
--- Chavo comes in to die. Not a bad payday for getting hit with a fireman's carry.
--- Show is in the ropes, and I love how he shouts the whole time. That's a great setup for Cena to do his moves of doom on Edge. See, that's what we call playing with the formula, and I love it.
--- Edge spears Vickie and then we get a double clothesline spot. Show: "REF! GET ME OUT OF THESE ROPES!" Where's Jericho when you need him? Great character moment.
--- Big Show gets the babyface comeback, which is hugely over at my place.
--- CENA GOT JACKED IN THE FACE!
--- SPEAR THROUGH THE BARRICADE! Okay, this has got my undivided attention.
--- STF! Show breaks it up and tries the Vader Bomb. I was hoping he might bust out something like a moonsault, but that's a pipe dream.
--- Cena and Edge double team Show, and Edge kicks him in the face as soon as Show is out. I love it. ULTIMATE OPPORTUNIST!
--- Show tosses Cena into a Spear by Edge. That was very nice. They really put some effort into this match. That's all I ever ask.
--- Show gets a Malignant slap on Edge. Lawler, please piledrive Cole. Love, Aaron.
--- Sleeper! You use different moves when fighting half a dozen people than when you only to worry about two.
--- WOW. That lift from Cena was impressive. Cena pins Show and wins the title. That should give Edge a reason to challenge Cena for the next two months.
--- I'm now 4-7. Hopefully Miz and Morrison vs. the Colons is next. These last two matches are gonna be short.

Randy Orton vs. Triple H
--- WHAT? NO TAG TEAM MATCH? BOO! Okay, now I'm pissed at Kid Rock.
--- I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD! Well, at least this match should be pretty good.
--- Triple H breaks a mirror in his entrance. Perhaps that means he will lose?
--- Okay, these super special intros are nice, but out of place for this blood feud.
--- RKO! PEDIGREE! Oh boy, it's just gonna be one of those matches. Strangely, that doesn't get the crowd into it. I guess Paul isn't as popular as he thinks. Can't fault them for trying.
--- Lots of punches, which is nice. Orton begs, but Triple H says "THIS IS SPARTA!"
--- Dang…those kneedrops are sick. And a neckbreaker to follow up. Nice. Kind of slow so far though, but I suppose Triple H is going for the "slow, methodical dissection" route.
--- Orton throws HHH around to catch his breath and bring the pace from slow to lethargic.
--- Sparta kick, knee drop and mounted punches from Orton now. Symmetry is appreciated.
--- Not the chinlock….NOPE, Triple H hits a back suplex and quick. Nice to see he was prepared for that, and it goes back to the neck. Orton hits a powerslam, and this time gets the chinlock. Great storytelling there, but the crowd doesn't care. I'd care more if it wasn't a chinlock.
--- Triple H makes his comeback with his three exciting moves. You know, seeing how he has blown out both knees, you'd think he'd quit the Harley Knee and chinbuster. He could do with a moveset revamp anyway.
--- Orton catapults the Game into the turnbuckle, but eats a clothesline. Orton drops him on the buckles anyway. Good storytelling again….this match needs blood though.
--- ARGHHH! Orton FALLS onto HHH's boot. I HATE that spot. That's a 1/2* deduction.
--- Jackknife pin gets 2, and the pace quickens. They trade setup moves (spinebuster, weird backbreaker), another nice touch. But seriously, this match needs less subtle storytelling and more overt violence.
--- HHH goes up top in a questionable move, but Orton clocks him with a dropkick. The Game's fury is meeting Orton's calculated assault, and Orton is winning.
--- HHH catches the punt…figure-four? No, he tosses Orton over the top. Cool spot, but it needed some actual emotion to make me care about it. I would have loved for Hunter to lock on a submission and yell at Randy "I'm gonna cripple you! I'm gonna break your legs, you Viper!"
--- Another good story moment as Triple H fights over using a monitor, but the crowd is just dead at this point. Pedigree set-up on the table…wonder where this could go. The table doesn't break, which is a cool swerve. Wait a minute…are we gonna get…? YES! DDT OFF THE TABLE! Praise Jesus, I love that spot! He just got that 1/2* back.
--- Crazy amount of stomps, but they aren't Garvin-like enough for me.
--- Ref bump. Great, here we get interference to ruin this….NO. Well, hopefully we can get blood now.
--- Orton has a sledgehammer, PUNT BY THE GAME! SWEET! SLEDGEHAMMER! Dash it all, still no crimson.
--- Bunch of punches, bunch of flowers. The Game channels Melina of all things.
--- Pedigree! 1…2…3? WHAT? BULL! *Groans* Orton should have won. This is BULL.
--- Well that makes me 4-8. So I'm 50-50. Oh well, I still have a better Mania record that Jeff Hardy.
--- Man, I can't believe Triple H won. Match was a good old school wrestling match, very Flair-Race. Lots of subtle storytelling and making sure everything mattered. But it was slow, plodding, and void of emotion. Orton in particular seemed disinterested, probably because he knew he should have won. It also needed more overt violence, hatred, and blood. The disqualification stip should have been no disqualification. I enjoyed the match, but I'm disappointed.

*****
So there were my immediate thoughts on Wrestlemania XXV. Happy Easter, whether you celebrate a Messiah, a bunny, or anything else. Or even if you don't celebrate anything at all. Here's an Easter gift.