The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 04.14.09

It’s really hard to get pumped up to write a news report when you are only minutes away from a monumental earth-changing Monday Night Raw. Judging by what happens on tonight’s Draft edition will change the face of the industry forever. Will I still have a job after the Draft? What happens if Meehan gets my slot or even worse, Randy Harrison? Could you imagine the Bell to Bell News Report on a Tuesday? A Tuesday? He would have to recap the week of news ending on a Monday. No calendar ends on a Monday! It would be preposterous. With 411 having so much clout in the entertainment industry, the government would have to update our calendars to coincide with this change. Imagine: PPVs held on Tuesdays, new cds hitting stores on a Thursday, and even worse, the Small-For-All being your local Sunday destination. I would rather go down on a mackerel.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

No more fillet o fish?

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are week two without Patrick Swayze. I know it’s hard but sometimes you can make it on your own. Fear not, the malebag will return… in two weeks. As for this week’s news report, w e will uncover all of the semi-relevant news on the internet, dodge the WWE Draft, preview TNA’s best looking PPV since last year’s Lockdown, and most importantly, Part Two of Small’s Wrestlemania Storytime.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Quick N Dirty News

I spent too much time with my Draft feature tonight so we will just summarize all the main headlines:

Tonight, at 7pm ET, Vince McMahon will be interviewed on E:60. Topics that will be covered include what happens at a production meeting, Vince speaking on his interesting childhood (including his father sexually abusing him), Chris Benoit, and other topics (including why he will never die).

Honestly, I wish I could cover this for my news report but alas, that won’t be the case. I will be tuning in to watch this special report as it appears that Vince was very open for this interview. I’m guessing the Coach pulled some string here.

Contrary to many rumors, JBL left the WWE on good terms.

If the WWE were really unhappy with JBL, wouldn’t they have just left him off the WrestleMania card? I fully expect JBL to be involved with the WWE in the near future especially if his new ventures do not lead him to financial wealth.

WWE Superstars premieres this Thursday on WGN. The main event will be the Undertaker vs. Matt Hardy.

I would be much more excited about the show if my local Comcast affiliate carried WGN. Or if Kevin Kelly were to host the show. But neither will be happening.

Taz has set up a Facebook page.

Oh Lordy. Am I the only one who remembers the days where Facebook was just for college students? I can’t wait until Taz discovers Twittering.

This Friday, National Wrestling Superstars presents Snitsky versus Balls Mahoney in a “Loser Goes Through a Door” match in Edison, NJ.

Is it just me or is the lead booker for the NWS aspiring to be Vince Russo? What’s next: the Patriot vs. Vader in a “Loser Is Pinned” match. For those of you who hate the WWE’s or TNA’s booking, it could really be worse… much worse.

DRAFT DODGING

Monday night was my roommate’s birthday so instead of being an anti-social for another Monday night, I decided to skip the first half of Raw to celebrate his birthday. Due to this, instead of the usual Raw thoughts, I will instead break down each of the Draft picks.

MVP to Raw – With the 1st pick in the 2009 Draft, MVP will be moving to Raw! I must say that I am surprised with this pick due to the financial troubles with MVP’s last contract. By not fulfilling up to his bonus on Smackdown, does it make sense to give him the additional salary that comes with a first round draft pick? It probably would have been financially smarter for Raw to draft him near the end of the program and fill his contract with incentive laden opportunities. Now, Raw is stuck footing MVP’s bill up front. With that said, MVP does bring a swagger normally not seen on Raw so if he lives up to his massive potential, then this would be seen as a good, if not great, pick.

The Big Show to Raw – With the second pick in the Draft, the Big Show will be moving to Monday Nights. Over the last year, many critics have called Raw “soft” due to the lack of athletic bigs. This pick addresses this concern and gives champion John Cena a future opponent.

Melina to Smackdown – Interesting pickup for the blue brand here. With the Tag Team Championship recently unified, will we see a unification of the Women’s and Divas championship? If this is the case, then the Divas championship will go down as a failure the size of the XFL. As for the pick, Melina is a great pickup for Smackdown as the show is very heel heavy with their women’s roster (Maryse, Michelle McCool, and Natayla). Now, Melina will join newcomer Gail Kim as the top faces on Smackdown.

Matt Hardy to Raw – Matt Hardy is a great fourth round pick for the Raw brand. While not a top name like the Big Show, he does have enough name recognition to bolster the upper midcard. Hardy has just recently came out on top against his brother Jeff which should help him receive valuable minutes on a stacked Raw roster. The only downside I see with Hardy is his mic skills. Without the taped nature of Smackdown, Matt better stay on top of his game or else a feud with MVP is eminent.

Triple H to Raw – What a steal in the fifth round. I wonder what Smackdown is thinking now with almost its entire main event roster pillaged. Triple H immediately will be thrust into the main event picture of Raw and deservedly so. After a year defeating all comers on Smackdown, his move to Raw will freshen up both brands.

CM Punk to Smackdown – I like this pick. I really like this pick. Last year, Punk was drafted to Raw and immediately made a name for himself. He captured the World Championship via his MITB shot before also winning the IC championship, Tag Team Championship, and even the European Championship. With another MITB shot in his possession, will he have a better year on Smackdown?

The Miz to Raw – This pick was purely a cost-cutting measure for Raw. With Triple H, the Big Show, and MVP heading to Raw, the brand will definitely need to use the majority of its cash flow to pay for these salaries. The Miz is a cheap pickup for Raw and most certainly won’t break the bank.

Kane to Smackdown – Frankly, I’m disappointed with this pick. I had Kane as a Supplemental Pick on my Big Board so to see him taken in this early is shocking. Kane’s best days are past yet he’s still being paid as a main eventer. I guess Smackdown could try to send him in a packaged deal to ECW in order to dump this salary before 2010, the year of King James.

Chris Jericho to Smackdown – On the flip side, Jericho to Smackdown is a great pickup. Jericho was clearly the MVP of Raw over the past year and, like Triple H, needs a fresh change of scenery. What Jericho lacks in athleticism, he makes up for in mic skills and wrestling ability. Once again a great pickup for Smackdown.

Vladimir Kozlov to ECW – Sure Kozlov has not lived up to potential, but that does not mean he’s a goner. Unlike the New Jersey Nets who traded away Richard Jefferson for Chariman Yi Jianlian, ECW will have a shot at an intriguing prospect without giving up anything. Sounds like a win in my book.

Maryse to Raw – There goes the prospect of a Women’s unification match. With Melina drafted to Smackdown, it would only make sense for Maryse to come over to Raw. Of the two Divas, Maryse has more potential though Melina is further ahead in her development at this time.

Rey Mysterio to Smackdown – With Smackdown losing the US Championship earlier in the night, it would only make sense for the brand to draft the IC Champion, Rey Mysterio. While Rey’s knees are in bad shape, he still has enough drawing power to be worth a pick this late in the draft. At pick 12, Smackdown got a big enough name to make up for being raped earlier in the show.

Overall, clearly, Raw is the big winner here though I like most of Smackdown’s picks (outside of Kane). Jericho and Punk should prosper from a change of scenery as will Triple H and the Big Show on Raw. Since Rey’s Hispanic appeal is necessary on Smackdown, I’m hoping MVP and the US title does not get lost in the shuffle on a main event heavy Raw. Lastly as for Kozlov, I hope he likes squash on Tuesday nights.

NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Previewing Lockdown

I must admit that Lockdown looks pretty damn solid. Hell, it is easily the best built card since last year’s Lockdown. Let’s first take a look at the card:

SIX SIDES OF STEEL: MAIN EVENT FOR THE TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Hardcore Legend Mick Foley vs. © “The Icon” Sting

SIX SIDES OF STEEL: THE RETURN OF THE LETHAL LOCKDOWN
Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Booker T, Scott Steiner & Kevin Nash) vs. Team Jarrett (Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe & ???)

SIX SIDES OF STEEL: WORLD TAG TEAM DOMINATION – TITLE VS. TITLE
Team 3D vs. © Beer Money, Inc

X DIVISION XSCAPE MATCH FOR THE X CHAMPIONSHIP
Black Machismo vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Consequences Creed vs. Kiyoshi vs. © Suicide

TNA KNOCKOUTS WOMENS CHAMPIONSHIP
Taylor Wilde vs. Angelina Love vs. © Awesome Kong

QUEEN OF THE CAGE MATCH
ODB vs. Madison Rayne vs. Daffney vs. Sojo Bolt

NEW JAPAN JR. TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
The Latin American Xchange vs. No Limit vs. © The Motor City Machineguns

Outside of the two women’s matches, each other match should easily hit three stars if not more. It will be interesting to see how well Foley vs. Sting is as both men are clearly not in their prime. While I expect the match to have a good storyline, I just do not know how good the match will be. If the two men have a stinker, then we will be looking at another Wrestlemania here. However, if Foley and Sting can come through and pull off a good match, then I think we might have a PPVOTYC on our hands.

In case you are looking at the card and are wondering where Eric Young vs. Danny Bonaduce match is, word has it that Dixie Carter recently made the decision to place this match on the pre-show. Kudos to Dixie here as the two men can have a decent comedy match to warm up the crowd and not take time away from the other matches. Even though Bonaduce has been “training” for this match, he’s not a wrestler and will be better off on a smaller stage.

Lastly, with TNA reaching their largest audiences this past month, the buyrate for this show will be very important to the company’s growth. If they can achieve their highest buyrate with this show (surpassing last year’s show), then the company will have momentum heading into their Slammiversary show. If the show has a lower buyrate than last year, then something’s missing as to why the company cannot convert their new viewers into PPV buyers. The show’s card is stacked – all TNA needs is viewers with extra spending cash.

SMALL’s WRESLTEMANIA BEDTIME STORY PART DEUX

Last week, in part one of Small’s WrestleMania Bedtime Story…

Small did his best Alex Shelley impersonation by putting half of container of hair gel in his hair. To make matters worse, only half of his hair stood up!

JP was chokeslammed to hell inside the demonic hell in the cell before Sergio locked on the Sharpshooter.

Gordo was deported back to Mexico!

And now back to the story. After WWE Axxess, the four amigos decided to experience Houston’s nightlife. After an amazing BBQ dinner, we went downtown to meet some babes. After watching the end of the NCAA Final Four at the House of Blues, we decided to hit up Club Jefe. Now for those of you who have never been to Club Jefe, you are missing quite the experience.

Sidenote: I was asked last week– Small, why did you invite Mexicans to WrestleMania? While I could explain how I have been friends with Sergio for ten years, I would rather sum it up like this – Small does not speak Spanish. Sergio and Gordo do. Sergio and Gordo could be my wingmen! And thanks to the Mexicans, I was introduced to only the highest quality Guantanameras in Houston.

With my gelled hair, Banana Republic button down shirt, Express Jeans, loafers, and most importantly, my Great Khali tattoo, I was an animal unleashed inside Club Jefe. All of the lucky ladies wanted to freak me on the dance floor. Sure you could blame it on the alcohol, but rather, I’d say that no one in Houston has swagger like Small.

Sadly, the night did not end as well as it started. It’s bad enough that JP got into the club with open-toed sandals but things turned worse when he went all Judas on me by cockblocking me! During one of my many random encounters, JP had to throw in the snide remark that I write for a wrestling website. Seriously, JP, why didn’t you go and let the girl know that I have crabs. That would have went over better. (And by the way ladies, I’m VD-free.)

While I really wanted to dispose of JP’s body after our night clubbing, I couldn’t since the rental car and hotel reservation were both in his name.

The next morning the fabulous foursome made our way to Galveston, Texas to get our tan on. With the temperature nearing 85 degrees, you best believe the beach was the best way to spend the morning. After the beach, we hit up a local Whataburger. Now look, I love hamburgers. Whataburger is not the best hamburger you can buy. Granted it’s better than most fast food alternatives, but I’d still pick Five Guys or Fuddruckers over Whataburger. (And there goes my Texas readership.)

Bobby Lashley loves all hamburgers, even Whataburger!

Sidenote #2: Loyal Smallophiles know that I hate sitting in traffic. With that said, the goal was to leave early enough for WrestleMania where we would not have to sit in too much traffic. Seeing as our hotel was only fifteen minutes from Reliant Stadium, you’d think leaving at 4pm CT would have sufficed. Of course, we did not leave at 4pm. Someone (coughJPcough) needed to comb his Jewburns and also finish his Hidden Highlights report. What a Diva that kid is.

At 4:30pm, we left for WrestleMania 25. Sadly, we did not arrive at the arena until 5:55pm. You see, signs on the highway instructed us to get off at 1B since exit 1C (Reliant) was backed up. Well, 1B’s exit ramp was backed up for miles since there was a long light immediately after the ramp. You’d think that if thousands of people are using this exit, perhaps a traffic cop would go a long way to expedite the backup. However, you are wrong. Houston had no traffic cops. Hell, there were no signs promoting the big show anywhere in Houston. If you were an onlooker on the highway that day, you’d think that a local Chicken N Waffles place were giving away free food.

Thankfully, I entered the stadium as the opening video packaged aired. Granted I did miss the tag team unification match (which I only realized when the main event video package started) but I did get the see the whole show. As for the show, it was a middle of the road WrestleMania. If the main event delivered, I’d say it was a better show than WrestleMania 23; however, it didn’t. That said, I do plan to pick up the DVD just for Undertaker/HBK.

Small Ranks the WrestleManias He Attended
1. WrestleMania 24 – the outdoor stadium plus Flair’s final match gave the show an epic feel missing from WM25
2. WrestleMania 23 – Two solid championship matches and a solid, if unspectacular, undercard make up for a shitty crowd and tons of “All Grown Up” promos
3. WrestleMania 25 – Taker/HBK was the best WM match I’ve seen. Too bad, nothing could follow that.

All in all, I definitely recommend attending a WrestleMania. From the male bonding before the show to the wild spectacle that is WrestleMania, it’s definitely worth the money in my book. I’m already looking forward to the 26th Anniversary next year in Glendale, Arizona!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

In two weeks, the Swayze Malebag returns with not only feedback from the news report but also some Wrestlicious limericks! As for who’s in next week, your guess is as good as mine. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!