Truth B Told 4.23.09: How I Spent My Spring Break

Posted by Bayani Domingo on 04.23.2009

I’m sure someone out there has a 6 week Spring break. Okay, so maybe just victims of kidnappings in Mexico…but it still counts.

You probably didn't realize this, but this is the first column I've written in about 2 and a half months. Then again, those of you who have had to settle for spanking it to the dozens of Kim Kardashian pics in her bikinis and tight dresses…or Amy Winehouse escaping from rehab, you might have realized that your life has been devoid of some "hot bitches". Well I'm back this week and I gotta tell you that the time off really did me some good, it helped to relax and recharge and find my passion again for the one thing that I truly love in this world…Crown Royal. But after 5 straight weekends of getting drunk I figured it was time to take some time off of binge drinking and preparations for an eventual mid-life bout of alcoholism and get back to writing about sweaty dudes in spandex tights. Lucky me.

For the first few weeks of my "Vacation" I didn't even really bother watching wrestling at all. I didn't really watch any TNA, only caught a total of maybe an hour of RAW, and didn't even bother popping in SDvsR into the old 360. it was nice, there was no commitment to spend 3 days trying to come up with a worthwhile column (which rarely actually happens, but A for effort right?), I didn't have to stay up late on a Tuesday and Wednesday night to finish up all the editing and pictures that went along with the paragraphs and paragraphs of unread text, I didn't have to worry about whether or not people gave two Hornswoggle sized shits about "6DO", it was great. I hadn't really even thought about wrestling until I went to PWG's show "Express Written Consent" a few weeks later. It was good show actually and Paul London's debut drew a HUGE crowd by PWG's non-BoLA or ASW standards. The guy was supremely over and got one of the biggest pops for a non-title win I have ever heard.

It made me realize that I probably could never go "cold turkey" on wrestling. It also made me realize that Paul London might be one of the biggest pot smokers this side of RVD. At some point during his promo I was sure he was going to pull out a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, a liter of Mountain Dew, and turn on Food Network for about 5 hours before asking someone to drive him down the street to pick up 3 breakfast burritos. It was fun and mindless and for once I could just take it all in without having to worry about writing down all the results and posting them before people in the comments section started getting antsy to find out whether "Machine Gun" got the win or if the contract signing had taken place between Austin Aries and Joey Ryan's mustaches. It was nice…then I went back to ignoring wrestling for a while until Wrestlemania.

I admittedly watched Wrestlemania at a buddy's house and it was pretty damn bad in my opinion. The PPV, not the house. Well actually the house was pretty bad too. The guy has two dogs and no vacuum and I have bad allergies. The house smelled like the Michael Vick compound and it had so much hair all over the ground and furniture that it looked like Mike Knox had exploded in there while wrestling an Alpaca. But yeah, the PPV was just not what I expected and it just ended really flat to boot. I was questioning whether or not I really did want to come back to writing after all, maybe my love of wrestling was fading. I'm getting up there in years and at some point you have to ask yourself whether you're just holding on to a childish fascination or whether you really do love the sport. I swore off wrestling yet again before I was convinced to buy tickets to PWG's 99 & 100 shows. The shows did not disappoint, even if some of the matches did. It really took Indy wrestling to get me off my ass and back behind the keyboard…sitting back on my ass of course.

I think it was the PWG double shot that got me back to punching the old keyboard and I owe it all to one of the oddest two days I've had as a wrestling fan. The key of course was the genius decision to get a room near the venue instead of making the 15 mile trek back home. The first night was a lot of fun and we capped the night off by grabbing some Wendy's and heading off to the hotel bar for a few drinks. Meeting up with the majority of the "Ring Crew" was nice, but also getting to hang with a couple of the "workers" was interesting. A few rounds later and I was being treated to one of the most energetic, enthusiastic, and dare I say…erotic? No, no I don't dare. Let's just say a very unique rendition of "Living on a Prayer" by one of the guys who was clearly a karaoke "All-Star". The sombreros and back-up dancing really put the cherry on the cake too. Another round of drinks, a round of Jaeger shots, and one final round and the bar closed…what to do, what to do. Oh yeah, attached to the bar that is attached to the hotel is a 24 hour bowling alley. Oh sweet sassy molassy.

I'm just going to tell you right now that you need to beware who you wager with on the Indy scene as some bets are simply reneged after the beer…or Jaeger, buzz subsides and they realize that very few men have the legs to carry off Chris Hero's new tighty tighty briefs in a match. Let's also say that chances are that no matter how good you think you are the chances of 2 guys beating the combined scores of 4 other guys probably won't happen. No matter how much you cheat, how many shoes you lob at your opponents, how many trash cans, or bowling balls you hurl at their balls mid lane, it's all about the numbers game. I can also tell you that the Kayfabe is not dead on the bowling lanes as I was beginning to pull away from the rest of the field after a spare and two straight strikes and suddenly I got chop blocked on my approach, causing a wicked cramp in my right leg. So as I'm writhing on the ground and clutching my leg, does anyone try to help me up off the floor? No…I feel someone grab that leg and the next thing I know I'm in a half crab/Canadian Maple leaf. But just as I try to turn over and get out I feel someone sit on my back and apply a camel clutch. I will say however that I sold those moves like death. Then bowled the rest of the game on one foot…and STILL got the high score. I'm like a bowling God. The one with the Elephant head, not like the dude who made all those fish and bread. It also didn't hurt that one of the guys bowled a 19…clearly he didn't put the "B" in Bowling.

Well finally cooler head prevailed after the staff had very calmly cleared all the crap out of the lane and politely asked us not to throw more than one ball down the lane at once and especially if the arm is down. Man, I guess when you run a 24/7 bowling alley you have to expect that kind of thing. Well it was nearly 2:30 in the morning and clearly it was time to get some rest. Which is exactly what we would have done had a couple people not come back to the hotel with more liquor, beer, and microwave burritos. I'm not sure what happened exactly after that but I remember someone hitting a moonsault onto my bed and surprisingly the bed didn't break (then again I'm assuming that the average Best Western takes more punishment than simply 1 man moonsaulting onto another), I remember someone taking a drop kick in the eyeball, another drink or…4, and the most disturbing story I've ever heard involving Konnan, Juvi, Rey Mysterio, a donkey and pearl necklace. I still don't feel right about myself. But as my girlfriend woke me up at 10 am the next morning all she could say as she rolled over was, "That was fun last night". Indeed. Indeed it was.

Luckily the next night wasn't so crazy, just dinner and a few surprise guests that I had never actually talked to before. It was cool to hangout with someone else from the great state of Washington who lived on the total opposite side of the Cascades. I've also never heard a guy under the age of 50 say "Boss" more times. I learned that not only wrestlers care about what they eat when they are on the road, but apparently they also have to answer to their girlfriend if they order an dessert that doesn't come in a little retarded shot glass. By the way, never get the Red Velvet Cake if it comes in a 2 ounce glass or someone will hit you with a Yakuza the likes of which you will never remember. It was a very low key night, but it made me realize that wrestlers are like anyone else, some are just real cool down to earth people who like having fun and other are a little shy, a little awkward, or just like to keep to themselves. When the boots and pads come off they're just another dude looking to get something to eat after a long night of clapping and yelling at annoying little blonde kids that make you want to get a vasectomy and a roll of duct tape. Seriously, I hate that kid…I'm looking for a bible to lay by his body right now on Amazon. Don't doubt me…I'm 4 real. (Too soon?)

The most important thing I learned that weekend was that I still really love wrestling, because wrestling isn't just about what's in the ring, but what happens before the show, after the show and everything in between with other Wrestling Geeks like yourself. I realized that I wasn't going to be able to walk away from wrestling (at least not yet) when it hit me a week ago that the next PWG show (DDT4) was going to be the day before my grandma's birthday in Seattle for which I had already bought tickets…and I'm actually considering changing my flight just so I can try to fit in both. It's a sickness really since it'll cost at least $60 to do so and I'm running the risk of the inevitable flight delays and missing the whole party. Yet I'm still 50/50 on going. I wonder if there is a 12 step program for wrestling fans. If there is I'm sure step 9 would involve me apologizing to my girlfriend for starting foreplay with me entering the bedroom with "Final Countdown" blaring from my iPod speaker. What? I mixed it up from time to time with a little Joe Esposito…"Nothings gonna ever keep you DOOOOOOOWWWWWN!!"

I tuned into RAW again just last week and the draft was interesting. RAW got all the big names and draws, Smackdown talent got some breathing room and half a chance at a real push, ECW got…um…someone to help Tyson Kidd learn about gravity I guess. By the way, didn't Tyson Kidd retire a few years ago as a back-up goalie? Yeah the draft went as planned and the supplemental draft moved some mid-carders, forgotten tag teams, and curtain jerks to a new brand to pick up where they left off. But more importantly it allowed me to get a healthy dose of the Bellas on a regular basis. Nothing earth shattering although I have had this mix of emotions over the evolution and de-evolution of Randy Orton. From fringe dickhead heel, to bad ass heel megalomaniac, to Triple H's bitch, to Triple H's bitch with a chance of eking out a win due to "miscommunication" from team Triple HgH. Now TNA on the other hand…well…mixed bag. Sometimes you get a great match and sometimes you get non-sensical booking and a big Black dude point down towards the ring…probably looking for cheeseburgers. I would love to read in the "news" section that contract snags occurred over the number of cheeseburgers guaranteed in Lashley's contract. Oh well, giddy up, time to get back into the fray. This week's the "hard sell" next week it's PPV…metaphorically, unless you wanna paypal me some cash.

The Truth

Having to keep up with wrestling some weeks is like an embarrassment of riches when the TV matches are good and there are tons going on in Japan and the Indy scene. Other times it feels like I'm the writing team for "The Soup" and I have to sift through two tons of crap just to come up with something entertaining involving fist fights, drunken shouting matches, and morally bankrupt bitches running around with their titties falling out and making out with any washed up musician they can get their tongue on. But you know, it's what I do. I didn't say "do it well", I just do it. Besides, someone has to pimp the Asian bitches.

Coming Up Short

Again we get the "will he or won't he" rumors with Jeff Hardy and his WWE career. Clearly the guy needs to figure out his priorities and make some sacrifices to ensure that he lives the life that will truly make him happy and healthy, but…I can't imagine his band and finger painting is going to foot the bill on a kick ass triple wide. At this point though it seems like Jeff's push has been pocketed and filed under "TBD" in the old booking room since he's had his brother Matt on top of him for the 3 count more than Ashley and Lita combined. Which…would make one skanked out bag of herpes indeed…but God love that collective cleavage. Let's hope that Rainbow Brite finally gets his shit together and figures out that there is no better time to be a Smackdown member than now with all the title hogs firmly in the RAW scene. C'mon Jeff, let's not the mortgage on the mobile home come up short so you can make more…"music".

6 Degrees of…



Internet sensation and soon to be reality TV star in her quest to find true love and two separate ankles….Susan Boyle. Well there is one other "sensation" sweeping the WWE nation that deserves equal time….



So let's say you had to bone one of these two…which one would it be?

And no JT…you can't have both.

Left Overs…

TNA is releasing a "Suicide" t-shirt...ironically it comes with a copy of each booking sheet.

Coming off an award winning role in "The Wrestler" and a cameo at Wrestlemania Mickey Rourke has already signed on for his next big starring role in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". Producers predict this to be the highest grossing remake of this film ever since they will save a TON of money on the special effects budget.

People don't realize that Hulk Hogan's remarks that he "Understood how OJ felt" weren't a dig at wanting to kill his wife Linda, it was merely an observation that he knew what it was like to be both orange and juiced.

Is it just me or has the Triple H/Randy Orton feud suddenly become a mini-series from "The Hills". Is it Batista or Shane that is going to turn on HHH? Is Orton going to win his dream job of World Heavyweight Champion or is Diane Von Furstenberg going to shock us all and hand the position to Cody? I think we can be sure of one thing however, if anyone is going to turn on Trips, it's gonna be …exactly who you knew it would be.

I take a few weeks off and Nigel McGuinness loses his RoH title to Jerry "atric" Lynn. When asked what his future plans are now that he's RoH Champion and how he plans to promote the title Lynn responded with "Depends…". When asked what it depends on Lynn clarified, "No, Depends…I have a commercial lined up with them in a few weeks".

I'm on the fence about attending DDT4 this year and while I see established teams like Los Luchas and The Dynasty on tap there seems to be a very "Lethal Lottery-eque" pairing of some of these teams. Chris Hero/Roderick Strong, Chuck Taylor/Kenny Omega, and Paul London/Bryan Danielson don't have all that much history together and what's worse none of these teams have any real tag team names to speak of and THAT is what makes an awesome tag team after all. Chuck-Mega…Omaylor… Chriserick… Herong… Stro'... I'm really at a loss here. I think things would be easier if PWG gave us more to work with, maybe making DDT4 a trios tournament. At least then we'd get the "Strong Style" trio of Bryan Danielson, Davey Richards, and Paul London, otherwise known as "An American Werewolf in London".

**SPOILER**


Rumors have it that TNA will have a Main Event at Sacrifice involving a 4-way title match where each participant will have to put something they "value" on the line in the match besides just Mick Foley's TNA title. Word has it that Kurt Angle will be putting up 2 individual vertebrae, Jeff Jarrett will be putting up "half a clue", and Scott Steiner will be putting up his dictionary. Just kidding…none of those fuckers have any of those things.

CZW recently made an appearance on the Discovery Channel on a show called "Time Warp". They will then be making an appearance on TLC in a special episode called "Jon and Kate plus H8". Nothing is more adorable than seeing the sextuplets in the cage of death.

TNA is set to debut "Dark Angel" Sara Stock into the Knockouts Division. Writers are now scrambling to figure a new name for the newest tag team of Daniels and Creed however.

Looks like Paul London's imminent deal with TNA is not so imminent. To be fair however it did look like he hurt himself at his last match at PWG's 100 show so that injury more than likely is the legit reason he didn't work the tapings. So much for a "London Calling"…looks like he ran out of minutes. Looks like they'll have to go with Plan B.

Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week

Taking a hiatus from the "Great Booty Debate" this week and you lucky bastards get a double shot of Kat Gutierrez.





Here Kitty Kitty Kitty.

Not to ruin any surprises but the rumor of Taz being part of Joe-maga's "Nation of Violence" look to be false, apparently TNA is in talks with the entire cast of Season 1's "Bad Girl Club" to be Joe's back-up, provided they are smashed out of their mind for at least 2 hours prior to each taping…which is like fish in a barrel really.

Little known fact about Christopher Daniel's new ring gear, it was apparently designed by Speedo as part of their new LZR2 line that they are testing prior to the next Olympics. It's supposed to cut the time Daniels will end up jobbing to the MEM by up to 21.7 seconds.

Pimpin' In High Places

I'd love to link some of the fine articles here on 411 this week, but…I actually forgot who still writes here. Damn it's been a while.

Well guys let's consider this a "scrimmage" prior to getting back into the full swing of things here at TBT and next week let's see if we can't toy with the format a bit and figure a way to give the column a bit of a "face lift".

Well maybe we'll stop just short of this.

Till then, the Truth will set you free.

-B

…and speaking of B's…