The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 04.28.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 04.28.2009

A Super Sized Swayze Malebag, What Other Superstars are Wrestlicious?, Backlash Thoughts, Hand Injuries, Hoytamania, Raw Thoughts, When Cruiserweights Attack and Birthdays!!!

Irony can be indeed funny at times. Last week, I logged onto 411 early Tuesday morning to read my one-week replacement's news report. And it wasn't there. I kept waiting… and waiting… and waiting. It was like my "catchphrase" except there was no Whammy. Now I do not know if it was an issue with JP Truss (who did a valiant job filling in last week) or a 411 issue (perhaps CSONKA is sabotaging my news report in order for him to take it back), but it wasn't cool. Thankfully, we should have no issues this week. Well unless you hate reading reader feedback because that's how we shall begin today!

SWAYZE!!!


Missed me?

Small's Multiple Personalities

First from 3.31, commenter Jabber thinks I'm Matt P just because he comments immediately after my news report posts. And in the same edition, commenter Jimbo thinks I'm Mr. Chris Hyatte.

Sorry J's for I am not Matt P, Chris Hyatte, Missy Hyatte, and not even, Jeff Small. Oh wait, I am Jeff Small (and you're not!) Honestly, I think Matt P just really loves his gimmick of being the first comment. That or he has a shrine of me in his basement. And you wonder why I don't put pictures of myself up on this website.

Small's Lady Prowess

First from 3.31, Angry Bear states "The definition of irony: Someone asking Small for romance advice. Great stuff. Maybe you could explain how to take off a bra next week?"

Well I could but normally your mother does it for me! VINTAGE SMALL BEING AN ASSHOLE. Actually, the whole predate thing was just an easy way for me to knock on a certain 411 writer. Plus you take off a bra with scissors, duh.

Second from 4.14, Kegger writes in with "Also...who are you kidding...you didn't talk to a single girl in Houston."

Once again Kegger, the whole Houston clubbing story was just an easy way for me to knock on a certain 411 writer. That and I only talk to girls when I'm holding scissors, duh.

Small's Draft Skillz

Plenty of divided opinions on my Draft Analysis from the 4.14 news report. The haters were not fans of this passage:

Triple H to Raw - What a steal in the fifth round. I wonder what Smackdown is thinking now with almost its entire main event roster pillaged. Triple H immediately will be thrust into the main event picture of Raw and deservedly so. After a year defeating all comers on Smackdown, his move to Raw will freshen up both brands.

Chilly McFreeze and CntStpWntStp were confused while Steve307's enjoyment of my writing plummeted. RR even called me a mark! On the flip side, Warriorman, 17 and John loved it. The best though was from Galaxy Express who asked if I did my hair up like Mel Kiper to get into the draft analysis spirit?

Ding Ding Ding. I surely hope that those of you who were confused with my Draft Analysis intentions watched this past weekend's NFL Draft. My goal with my DA was to take on the voice of Mel Kiper hence the reasons why I spoke on MVP's salary, the Big Show's "softness", King James in 2010, and plenty of potential talk. Looking back, I really wish Kofi Kingston or Shelton Benjamin was drafted for then I could speak on their broken home situations and their long wingspans. Never underestimate a good wingspan.

And oh, I am well aware that CM Punk did not capture the European Championship.. Remember kids, at the end of the day, I write these news reports clearly to entertain myself… and my legion of Smallophiles.

Wrestlicious

Kudos to The Brian Kendrick on 4.7 for this witty comment.

I'm Brian Kendrick, what this show needs
It's not my fault I stink of weed
Some doctor's say it's pretty nutricious
And The Brian Kendrick is WRESTLICIOUS

I really wanted to do a segment entirely on this, but then I got high. Actually, I did whip out a few of them.



My name is Michael Cole and I'm a vintage talker
I commentate every Monday with Jerry Lawler
I believe Mike Knox is really vicious
Because I'm Michael Cole and I'm Wrestlicious



The name's Triple H and I'm the biggest star
And if you try to pass me, I'll hit you with a car
My sledgehammer is thick just like my penis
I am the Game and I'm Wrestlicious



I'm Great Khali, your Punjabi Playboy
Not only that but I'm Small's love toy
Of course we all know that is fictitious
*Insert Punjab roar* Wrestlicious



Heidenreich's the name, I'm a frozen Nazi
I never got to show anyone my Little Johnny
My poems were always repetitious
Perhaps I'll rape Jimmy Hart at Wrestlicious!



The name's Jeff Small, I'm your favorite writer
I've been watching wrestling since I was out of diapers
My favorite song of 2006 was Fergielicous
Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, Yes…

I'm Senor Small and I'm Wrestlicious!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



In today's Small-For-All News report, I will give my regards to Backlash, praise the WWE's newest signee, speak on hand injuries, Edge's ninth championship win, and possibly even mention TNA.


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Backlash'd

Editor's note: I did not watch Sunday's PPV. With that said, I will still review the show like I did watch it. If you do not want to believe what I am about to write, fine. You won't hurt my feelings.

Backlash is always an interesting show. Each year the WWE has to find ways to convince people to spend another hard earned $40 a few weeks after ponying up for WrestleMania. Unlike other B shows, Backlash does have the benefit of WrestleMania rematches which does help sell the card. Of course, making the WrestleMania rematches fresh is always a challenge each year.

In the past, there have been some excellent Backlashes – the 2000 edition is one of the best PPVs I've ever seen. To this day, I still kick myself for never purchasing Backlash 2007. On the flip side, not all Backlashes are good. In years past, we've witnessed main events like The Two Man Power Trip vs. The Brothers of Destruction (in 2001), Hulk Hogan vs. Triple H (in 02), Hogan & HBK vs. Muhammed Hassan and Daivari (in 05), Shawn Michaels and God vs. the McMahons (in 06), and of course, Billy & Chuck vs. Rico and Rikishi. Hell, even this year's semi-main event had a silly six-man stipulation. So where would Backlash 2009 end up?

After reading most people's reviews and talking with Kegger, it sounds like this year's version was pretty, pretty, pretty good. In fact, I read that some people even stated that they wished WrestleMania could have been what Backlash was. And to this, I must disagree.

While this year's WrestleMania was underwhelming (especially for the 25th Anniversary), I would not want to redo its card with Sunday's show. WrestleMania is more than a normal PPV – hell, it's a brand unto itself. Even if the matches fail to deliver (which a few did), we still had many WrestleMania worthy moments (the annual MITB match, Mickey Rourke, Taker vs. Shawn). Plus, with WrestleMania drawing many casual fans, it does make sense for the faces to normally overcome the heels. At the end of Sunday's Backlash, both John Cena and Triple H were taken out on stretchers. That would not fit in well with WrestleMania's "feel good" atmosphere.

In addition, if the WWE had booked a Khali Kiss Kam for WrestleMania, I think the IWC would have exploded. If I had watched Sunday's PPV, I too would have exploded… in my pants.

Overall, I give Backlash a bazillion stars because I love the Double Double E.

WrestleMania 26: Hulkamania vs. Hoytamania!

From Dot Net, "Lance Hoyt announced at the PCW indy show on Sunday night that he has signed a WWE contract."

I hate to say it but there is a void that can be filled by signing Lance Hoyt. With Kevin Nash graying in TNA and with Test resting in piece, the WWE needs a 7 foot blond muscle man. While I am not sure if Hoyt has the talents that either of his predecessors had, he did show promise throughout his TNA career. What really did Hoyt in was that he was stuck in a jobber tag team with Jimmy Rave.

Hoyt will now go to FCW where he will learn to wrestle like a WWE superstar. Seeing as he already knows how to throw a mean big boot and how to execute a sidewalk slam, he should only have a brief stay in FCW. Then, Hoytamania will run wild on the WWE!

Broken Hands

In what should hopefully not become a new trend, there have been hand injuries at the last two WWE PPVs. First, Mickey Rourke told TMZ that he broke his hand when he punched Chris Jericho. Then, on Sunday, Matt Hardy broke his hand during his match with Jeff Hardy. Unfortunately for Hardy, he was slated to move onto a feud with US Champion MVP (from the Observer).

Unfortunately for us, we will now miss out on Round 2 of the MVP/Matt Hardy challenges. And to think we were only months away from a thin crust pizza eating contest. In all seriousness, the Hardy/MVP feud was blown off too fast (after an extremely long build) so I do look forward for their feud to continue on Raw. If lucky, both men could be elevated after the feud. But then again this is the E we are talking about…

Ninth Wonder of the World

With Edge's win at Backlash, he is now a 9 time WWE/World Champion. The only superstar with more championship wins is Triple H who is at 13!!!

Of course, Edge is the pure definition of a transitional champion. Let's recount his nine championship reigns:

New Year's Revolution (Jan 2006): Edge pins John Cena to win the WWE Championship
Royal Rumble (Jan 06): John Cena defeats Edge for the WWE Championship

Raw (July 06): Edge pins RVD to win the WWE Championship
Unforgiven (Sept 06): John Cena defeats Edge in a TLC match for the WWE Championship

Smackdown (May 07): Edge defeats the Undertaker to win the World Championship
Smackdown (July 07): Edge relinquishes the title after an injury

Armageddon (Dec 07): Edge pins the Undertaker to win the World Championship
WrestleMania 24: The Undertaker defeats Edge

One Night Stand (June 08): Edge defeats the Undertaker in a TLC Match to win the World Championship
Raw (June 08): CM Punk defeated Edge to win the World Championship

Survivor Series (Nov 08): Edge wins the WWE Championship in a Triple Threat match
Armageddon (Dec 08): Jeff Hardy pins Edge to win the WWE Championship

Royal Rumble (Jan 09): Edge pins Jeff Hardy to win the WWE Championship
No Way Out (Feb 09): Triple H wins the WWE Championship in an Elimination Chamber

No Way Out (Feb 09): Edge wins the World Championship in an Elimination Chamber
WrestleMania 25: John Cena wins the WWE Championship

Backlash (April 09): Edge defeats John Cena in a LMS match

As shown above, Edge has only had one long title reign consisting of a little over three months. Perhaps he would have had a longer reign in 2007 had he not suffer a pectoral injury. Whatever the case may be, his last four reigns only lasted a month at the longest. For this alone, Edge's nine title reigns are not as impressive as those who have had longer reigns (like the Undertaker and the Rock).

Happy Birthdays



In tonight's Small-For-All Birthdays…

Happy 37th Birthday to WWE Rookie Vladimir Kozlov!
Happy 42nd Birthday to WWE Legend Kane!

Maybe we should start calling him McKane!

And we start off with GM Vickie Guerrero! Unfortunately, she's only out to introduce the new WWE Champion Randall K Orton! Sadly, I wanted Vickie to announce a bunch of midget matches for this evening.

Big Show vs. Batista for a shot at Randy Orton's championship. I hate to say it but the Big Show deserves the title shot here. In the last week, he knocked the Undertaker out before incapacitating John Cena at Backlash. What has Batista done lately?

Oh shit, MVP is wilin' out by interrupting Randy Orton. Smart move by the WWE to give MVP a rub here. He's new to Raw and hasn't really been received as a face (due to a weak face turn). I'm curious to see how MVP is booked later in the show.

Look, the Brian Kendrick has a match on Raw! But where's his snazzy white jacket? BURRIED.

I'd be remiss in not mentioning that Kofi's performance at WrestleMania almost convinced my friend Sergio to start watching wrestling religiously again. Keyword: almost.

This isn't HBO. I can't believe I just saw Santina's lovely breasts during the Backlash recap!

This is the second tag team match in a few weeks where Kelly Kelly has never tagged in. Yet she is always a part of the winning team. She's like the ultimate benchwarmer. Kudos to her!

My God, she's a man baby! I can't wait until Cole is allowed to say that.

Yes, Cole just said that Jeff Hardy's ladder was eighteen feet high. And those steel steps weigh 2000 pounds.

Here's hoping Matt Hardy keeps his hand cast months after his hand heels. It worked well for Cowboy Bob Orton!

MVP vs. Randy Orton was decent. I'm not a fan of Super Shane O Mac attacking Orton but if it leads to another Concussion Kick, I'm all for it. While MVP was not jobbed out, I wish there was an ending to the match (a tough loss would have meant more than his disappearing act).

Woah, a Scramble match on Smackdown for a shot at Edge's championship! I guess the CM Punk announcing his MITB shot at Judgment Day ain't happening.

Well now we know who's Cena's return match will be with. If the WWE can keep coming up with new ways for the Miz to attack Cena before Cena returns, I'm all for it. If he just keeps calling him out week after week, it will probably get old.

The Colons vs. Jaime Noble & Chavo Guerrero… yawn.

And yay, let's watch the Orton/Triple H video package again. Between this and watching the clip of John Cena's injury, I'm getting quite sleepy. And yes, I have Batista vs. the Big Show to look forward to.

This match is SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. First a camel clutch and now a bear hug.

And John Cena returns! Why wouldn't he come out and fight the Miz then? Is Cena really afraid of the Chick Magnet? And yeah, due to countout, Batista gets a date with Randy Orton. At least he won't have to kiss him.

I can't say I'm too happy with Superman John Cena returning the night after he was thrown into a spotlight. He could have least taken a few weeks off. Wha da tah. I guess I should just be happy that the Brand Extension was finally followed after months of roster swapping and that after this Friday, at least three matches will have been named for May's Judgment Day PPV.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

When Cruiserweights Attack

TNA recently announced the re-signing of X Division superstar Jay Lethal to a multi-year deal. In addition, the Amazing Red will make his return to TNA this coming week!

I'm a fan of TNA re-signing Jay Lethal though I do have to question the longevity of the Black Machismo gimmick. A gimmick can only get you so far up the card. If TNA lets him develop a personality other than Randy Savage's, I think Lethal could go even further in TNA. Then again, the few times it appeared as if Lethal would have gotten a larger push (for example – after beating Kurt Angle at No Surrender 07), he never received another shot at the top. Here's hoping Lethal can obtain even greater success over the next few years.

I'm interested to see what Amazing Red can do this coming week on TNA. Considering the man took two years off to rehab his injured knee, who knows what's left in the tank. Perhaps if he does well enough in his tryout match, Vince Russo can have him turn on his tag partner Suicide in the near future. It's not like that's common booking or anything.

When Bonaduce Attacks

For those who haven't seen the Eric Young vs. Danny Bonduce match, here it is:



You can thank me later.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, the Khali-For-All returns! Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!