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 411mania » Wrestling » Columns

411's TNA Impact Report 04.30.09
Posted by Randy Harrison on 04.30.2009

After a one-week hiatus, with much thanks to Chris Lansdell for the save, I'm back for another edition of TNA Impact! The show starts with a video package featuring highlights from last week's Impact and the ongoing feud between Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett, as well as the Bobby Lashley appearances. The package asks what the unpredictable Foley will have in store tonight....my guess is another in a long line of hideous outfits.

We cut to a video from earlier today at the TNA head offices of JB catching Jeff Jarrett coming out of a meeting. He asks Jarrett if Foley still has a job and Jarrett says "no comment". Later we see Foley coming out of the same meeting, blowing kisses to "Dixie". Foley says that he can't be fired because he's the champion and that he doesn't work for Jeff, he works with Jeff. JB asks about the steel chair from last week and Foley chalks it up to friends fighting. JB asks about friends fighting with steel chairs and Foley seems to think that that's how everyone settles differences. That leads us into the usual opening and we have LOTS OF PYRO!!! We are LIVE-ish from Orlando in the Impact Zone!! Mike Tenay and Don West welcome us into the show and we hear the familiar music of the Main Event Mafia. Kurt Angle makes his way out with Mike Tenay calling him the "Godfather of the Mafia". In a nice touch, Angle has a huge rose in his lapel like a real mobster or something. Team Senior Circuit all hobble up into the ring and Angle decides that it's time to address the masses. Angle says that for the past six months, those closest to him have referred to him as "the Godfather". He says that they've done so because he's the man in charge and he knows how to make things happen. He says that he can make anything happen for anyone as long as they show the proper respect. Angle says that he is honored in TNA as long as he's shown the proper respect. He talks about Foley hitting him with the steel chair last week and says he didn't know that there would be consequences, but when you mess with the Godfather of the Mafia, you pay the price. Angle says he's got an offer for Jeff Jarrett that he can't refuse and adds that if he gets put into the fatal four-way at Sacrifice and if he gets pinned, the individual that pins him will take over as the Godfather of the Mafia. He also says that he's heading back to Mick Foley's office tonight to employ a hostile takeover that's going to have him taking over Foley's office, his job and everything because when you screw with the Godfather, you get the thorn of the rose. Great line from Angle there, though I think they're going a little heavy with the whole Godfather deal in terms of constantly beating it into the ground.

We head into the offices with JB to get Foley's thoughts on the hostile takeover. Foley acts like he's totally clueless and says hi to Jeff Jarrett as he walks in. Jarrett says that he has every right to beat the hell out of Foley tonight but he's not going to because he's going to do it on his own terms. Foley talks about the Angle takeover and says that he's going to be ok as long as Jarrett has his back. Jarrett fires back saying that the only back that Foley's going to get is the one that Jarrett turns on him. Jarrett storms out of the office and Foley calls him a "grump" as we head to commercial.

After the break, we're in the back with Lauren and she's in the Mafia locker room talking to Kurt Angle. Angle says that he's the Godfather and that when he says something, he looks someone in the eye, and then he does it. Lauren asks what he's thinking about by putting up his leadership role and Angle says he's going to whip Foley's ass and become the new TNA Champion. Scott Steiner is in the background getting cranky and apparently it's about Jeff Jarrett. Angle says that they need Jarrett to help him get into the match at Sacrifice, but once that's over it's all Steiner to do whatever he wants to do to him. That leads into the talk of the Team 3D Invitational Tournament and the first round matches from last week with highlights of Beer Money's win as well as the victory for Eric Young and Jethro Holiday.

Match One: Team 3D Invitational Tournament First Round
Motor City Machine Guns vs. Amazing Red and Suicide

Amazing Red is back!! He's got a new look and he looks great. I'm rather excited to get to see him again as he was one of my favorites. Mike Tenay impresses me by talking about Red's TNA World Tag Team Championship run with Jerry Lynn back in the day. Don West even drops the heel persona for a minute to help put Red over too, which is a nice touch for someone who is a real TNA original. Shelley and Red start the match out with a side headlock from Shelley off of a kick tot he gut. Shelley takes Red down with a shoulderblock off of a whip and then they do a little tumbling sequence including a spot that sees Red Matrix out of a Shelly pin attempt. All of that ends with Shelley getting the business end of a low enziguri from Red. Red hits a big chop and comes off the ropes but Shelley catches him and ties Red into a pretzel before mocking him and posing with a foot on Red's ass. Tag to Sabin and he does the same thing, but Red takes him down with a HUGE spinning headscissors before tagging in Suicide. Headbutts from Suicide into a modified atomic drop and he follows that with a stiff legdrop. Front press slam from Suicide and in comes Red and he drops Red onto Sabin with another press slam that gets a long, LONG two-count. Great line from Don West addressing the move as he says "It's amazing how far you can throw someone when they only weigh eighty pounds" or something to that effect. He's in full on Heenan mode now. Sabin reverses a whip into the corner, but Red hits a drop toehold and a dropkick to the back. Red tries a charge, but Sabin sends him flying into the top turnbuckle before Shelley and Sabin sandwich him with kicks. HUGE DOUBLE-HIP TOSS from the Guns that nearly sends Red all the way outside of the ring. Shelley picks Red up and sets him into the Tree of Woe before stepping on Red's nuts. Tag to Sabin and Shelley hits a baseball slide dropkick before Sabin hits a hesitation dropkick for a two-count. Sabin locks in a modified abdominal stretch and tags Shelley back in, whipping Red into the corner before trying to whip Shelley into Red. Red takes both men down with kicks to the head and ROLLS OVER SABIN'S BACK INTO AN ENZIGURI ON SHELLEY!! Sabin tries a tilt-a-whirl something or other, but Red reverses and drives Sabin into the mat. Hot tag to Suicide!! He's cleaning house on everybody, clotheslining Shelley in the corner before taking Sabin out with a nasty dropkick. Finlay Roll by Suicide puts Shelley down right on top of Sabin. Shelley catches Suicide from behind, but Suicide rolls over it and reverses. The Guns hit a double-kick and Sabin kicks Suicide into the head leading to a Sliced Bread from Shelley! 1.....2...Suicide kicks out!! Sabin springboards off of Shelley's back and kicks Red right in the face and they set up Suicide for the stereo kicks, but Red drops Shelley with a kick. Hurrancanrana on Sabin by Red and Red hits a sunset flip powerbomb assisted by Suicide that drops Shelley!! Suicide points out Sabin on the floor and Red hits a TWISTING SPLASH OVER THE TOP ROPE!! Suicide sets Shelley up and he hits the WRIST-CUTTER!! 1...2....3!! It's all over!!

Winners: Amazing Red and Suicide (pinfall, Wrist-Cutter on Shelley) **3/4

(Not a shabby return for Red at all. Some of his stuff still looks a little unbelievable, but damn if it isn't pretty. The Guns have been spinning their wheels somewhat as of late and this continues that trend, but they're kind of hamstrung by the IWGP Jr. Titles at this point. I'm interested to see who Suicide and Red end up taking on in the second round.)

Lauren is in the back with The Beautiful People and Angelina makes sure that she introduces her as the TNA Knockouts Champion. Lauren talks about Madison Rayne being in a stretcher match against Awesome Kong tonight and Love cuts Rayne off, talking in stupid-ese before telling Lauren that she can take some paper and wipe her ass...or something. Angelina says that they're The Beautiful People and they can do anything they want to. Love asks who is going to be strong enough to carry Kong's fat ass out of the Impact Zone after the match is over. Rayne looks nervous while the other two slores plan their celebration early. Velvet Sky promises a funeral tonight and Rayne mumbles that she hopes it's not hers.

After another break, we hear about how Abyss' addiction to pain led him into Dr. Stevie's office. After a video package that shows highlights of Abyss' big bumps including those from Lockdown, intermingled with Dr. Stevie's office visits, we get Abyss and Lauren talking backstage. Abyss says that Dr. Stevie tells him that getting hit with weapons over and over may make him afraid of them. Cody Deaner interrupts and says that they have a score to settle after what Abyss did to him a couple of weeks back. Cody tells him that it's time to throw down and ODB shuts him down, saying that just because he's hanging out with her doesn't mean he's a wrestler. Cody says that Abyss has no balls and tells Lauren to tell him that when he grows a set, "the Deaner" will be ready for him. Abyss grabs him and slams him up against the wall, screaming that if he wants him that bad, he'll get him tonight. Hopefully Abyss kills him so that the gimmick is done forever. And what in the blue hell was up with ODB's peacock 'do?? West and Tenay are at the desk and they run down the rest of the lineup for the show including the big tag match between Nash and Booker T and AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. From there, they throw it to a video package featuring some of Kurt Angle's greatest hits from his TNA career. In the backstage area, Mick Foley catches up with the Motor City Machine Guns and talks about how they have a win over Mick and he asks them for some help in terms of Angle's hostile takeover. Foley continues to try to blame the stitches for everything and then asks them to watch his back, saying he loves their fire, pizazz and spunk. Shelley says that "spunk is inappropriate right now" and looks like he's going to shut him down. Sabin tells him that they're not interested because they have some issues tonight. They talk about how Suicide has a mask and he could be someone that stole his X-Division title illegally and that he's preventing them from reaching their potential as the sexiest tag team in TNA. Mick says he'll let them in on the secret identity and whispers "Al Snow" to them. The Guns look underwhelmed and says that he needs to keep going with the research before they head out of the locker room, zinging Mick with his own catchphrase on the way out.

Mike Tenay welcomes us back to the show and tells us it's time for the final first round match-up in the Team 3D Invitational!!

Match Two: Team 3D Invitational Tournament First Round
LAX vs. The British Inva....

LAX doesn't make their entrance and we cut to the back to see The British Invasion laying a beatdown on Hernandez in the backstage area. Brutus Magnus has even stolen Hernandez's Feast or Fired briefcase. They make their way down to the ring and look smug and British as Homicide checks on Hernandez in the back. TNA official Terry Taylor tells Homicide to head out and wrestle and that's what he does. Homicide HAMMERS on big Rob Terry as he makes his way down the ramp, taking him out with his Feast or Fired briefcase before hitting a tope through the ropes onto Doug Williams and Magnus. Homicide throws Williams into the ring and hits a spinning neckbreaker, but Williams cuts him off with a big boot into a reverse elbow. Tag to Magnus and he whips Homicide in, missing a clothesline before Homicide takes him down with a reverse elbow of his own. Williams attacks Homicide from behind as he tries to take over on Magnus in the corner, but Homicide fights them off. He heads up top and hits a double-dropkick on both Brits!! Big chop on Magnus and he tries to bounce off the ropes, but Williams kicks him in the back. Homicide knocks him off the apron, but turns around into a big clothesline by Magnus. Magnus kicks Homicide down in the corner and tags in Williams. Williams paintbrushes Homicide and lays the badmouth on him before scoring with a European uppercut, a diving knee in the corner and a beautiful suplex that gets a two-count. Another uppercut from Williams, but Homicide fires back with one of his own. Williams tags in Magnus and they hit a necktie neckbreaker before Magnus tries a pin attempt. One-count and Magnus picks Homicide up for a standing powerslam before heading up to the top rope. Magnus misses the big splash and crawls over to make the tag to Williams, but it's too late as Homicide is good to go. Homicide with punches into an overhead suplex on Williams!! Magnus comes in but eats a tornado DDT!! The referee tries to get Magnus out of the ring and as he's doing so, Homicide tries to take Williams off the top rope with a move. Rob Terry holds him down from the outside and Williams shoves him off. Magnus picks him up and holds him in place for a European uppercut off the top rope from Williams!! Magnus has the cover and picks up the three-count!!

Winners: The British Invasion (pinfall, top-rope European uppercut) **

(Kind of a slow match and one that lagged quite a bit with the British dudes on offense. Hopefully this is just a case of them not quite jelling as a team yet because they have some serious potential with this gimmick. It's good to see LAX move on in the tournament at this point because they're established as serious contenders and have the ability to lend some credibility to the second round just with their presence.)

The commercial break ends with another Kurt Angle video package showing his title victories in the past couple of years before we head to....

Match Three: TNA Knockouts Stretcher Match
Madison Rayne w/The Beautiful People vs. Awesome Kong w/Raisha Saeed

This one is essentially a pseudo-Texas Death Match with a stretcher as the winner will have to hold the loser on the stretcher for a ten-count. The referee sends Raisha Saeed to the back for some unknown reason before the match gets underway. The Beautiful People gloat and wave her up the ramp before the referee tells them that they're gone too. Kong is left in the ring with Rayne and Rayne gets hammered down with big forearms right off the bat. Chokeslam by Kong and she's already looking to the stretcher. Short clothesline drops Rayne and Kong picks her up by the hair before throwing her onto the stretcher. Referee Rudy Charles gets to 5, but Kong cuts him off to pick Rayne up for an IMPLANT BUSTER!!! Kong drags Rayne's corpse over to the stretcher and the referee makes it to 7 before Kong picks her up again. She grabs Rayne and hits a NASTY-LOOKING AWESOME BOMB!! Crowd chants "one more time" as Kong tries to put her onto the stretcher. Kong looks at the crowd and delivers what they want, dropping Rayne with another AWESOME BOMB!! Kong drags her over to the stretcher and the referee gets to the ten-count as Rayne twitches and drools on the stretcher.

Winner: Awesome Kong *

(The only reason why this got a star was because of the double Awesome Bombs. I wonder if Kong could show Batista how to do one properly to where he's not nearly killing people with it. Step one in Kong's revenge is complete and it'll be fun to see what she does next week to try to top this.)

After the break, we head into the back to see The Beautiful People trying to revive Rayne on the stretcher before we cut to the announce desk with Tenay and West. West is disgusted with how the stretcher match went and Tenay promises updates on Rayne and Hernandez later in the broadcast.

The Motor City Machine Guns' music hits and Alex Shelley has a microphone with him as he and Sabin head towards the ring. Shelley asks everyone to shut up and says that they have someone to call out. Shelley calls out Christopher Daniels/Suicide or whoever he wants to call himself. Daniels obliges and is heading down to the ring!! Don West claims that Daniels is wearing the most guilty expression he's ever seen. Shelley asks if Daniels developed a fear of heights and wonders why he didn't come to the ring on a zip line. Shelley talks about how Daniels got fired in the Feast or Fired match eighteen months ago and that he's been languishing in the indies working shows in VFW halls for pizza and Japanese wrestling t-shirts begging someone to get him back into TNA. Shelley talks about how pizza and t-shirts don't pay the bills when you have a wife and two kids at home. Sabin takes over and says that they're as smart as they look and they have even more evidence against Daniels. Sabin says the time has come for them to ask a few questions. They ask why Daniels and "Suicide" have the same build, why they move the exact same way in the ring. He also asks why people chant Daniels' name every time "Suicide" is in the ring before calling Daniels a liar. Daniels does the slow simmer as Sabin continues to run him down, saying he's been Suicide since day one and that he found himself a loophole to steal Shelley's X-Division Championship. He says they don't care if Jeff Jarrett had anything to do with it and that they only want Daniels to make amends and admit to the entire world that he's Suicide. Daniels says that it's time to get one thing clear. He says he doesn't owe anyone an explanation while telling Sabin to step off. He says that the important thing is that Jeff Jarrett brought him back to TNA and he threatens to break Sabin's face if he doesn't back up. Daniels says that now that he's back, he's going to do what he does best and that's wrestle. He says he doesn't have time for video games, masks or zip lines and tells the Guns that if they want to know who Suicide is, they can ask him themselves. Shelley says he'll ask Suicide and says there's time for one more rhetorical question. He gets in Daniels' face and asks who he is. Daniels says that he's Daniels and more important than that, he's pissed off. He takes down both Guns with punches and lays out Shelley with a sit-out powerbomb before taking Sabin down with a uranage. Daniels points to the corner and tries for the Best Moonsault Ever, but the Guns have already scattered out of the ring.

We got to the back and Mick Foley is with Samoa Joe, talking about Joe's knife and his stitches. He asks Joe for help and says that this is Mick, the guy that used to talk about him all the time when Joe was starting out in the indies. He claims to have waved the banner of Samoa Joe and asks Joe to have his back. Joe just slips the black towel off of his head and walks away, leaving Foley to say that he's going to have to try Plan C instead.

Match Four:
Cody Deaner vs. Abyss

Apparently the stips are that Deaner can use weapons while Abyss can't. Unless one of those weapons is a gun, Deaner is fucked. Deaner looks to his trash can of weapons and grabs a cookie sheet, whacking Abyss in the face with it. Abyss looks at him like he can't believe it and Deaner grabs a trash can lid instead. Deaner waffles him with it and Abyss looks at him again, even as he bleeds from the forehead. Deaner grabs a kendo stick, but Abyss catches it and rips it out of his hands. Abyss grabs Deaner by the mullet and threatens him with the stick before dropping him with a chop to the chest. ODB calls Deaner over to their corner and gives Deaner a bit of his tag team partner, Jim Beam. Deaner spits the booze into Abyss' eyes and grabs the trash can, charging at Abyss with it and hammering him in the head with it. Deaner runs back and hits Abyss with another trash can shot before grabbing the kendo stick. Deaner pounds on Abyss with the kendo stick, breaking it over Abyss' back before moving to a steel chair. Deaner hits a weak chairshot on Abyss and down he goes. ODB's up on the apron giving Deaner a hug as Abyss tries to pull himself back up to his feet. Deaner turns his hat around and heads into his fanny pack for a wrench. Abyss drags himself up to his feet and Deaner tries to charge with the wrench, but he runs right into a HUUUUUUUGE BLACK HOLE SLAM!!! The referee can count to a hundred because this one is finished!!

Winner: Abyss (pinfall, Black Hole Slam) 1/2*

(Pointless until Abyss finally caught Deaner with the Black Hole Slam and basically just a way to advance the whole Dr. Stevie storyline. Meh.)

In the back, Lauren is with Daffney and she asks about her sessions with Dr. Stevie. Daffney says that Dr. Stevie has told her that all of the aggression she has on the inside has to be let out. Daffney says that her and Lauren have something in common. Lauren says that with all due respect, she doesn't think that Abyss is interested in her. Daffney stares a hole into her and cackles as she walks away leading into the commercial break. I love that they brought back Crazy Daffney and if it leads to a bizarre love triangle with her, Lauren and Abyss, that could be some fun.

After the break, JB is in the locker room with Booker T, Kevin Nash and their wimminz. JB asks about the tension between the ladies last week and Sharmell says that it's all cool since Nash put his pit bull on a leash. They start to bitch at each other and get close to getting physical before Kurt Angle comes in to break it all up. He tells Booker to get Sharmell out and out they go. He apologizes to Jenna Morasca and tells Nash to get her a drink. Nash says that he could use about a dozen himself. And that's a shoot, brother! West hits the shill for the house show circuit and Matt Morgan's music cuts him off. Morgan says that he's going to drop a bombshell on Impact and that it's time to make an offer that the Main Event Mafia can't refuse. He offers his services to the Mafia and says that he's the future of this business and the future is now. He says he's going to wait on their reply and that the offer is only available for a very limited time. He tells the Mafia that the ball is in their court. We head to the back and Lauren is with AJ Styles. She asks about the match with Nash and Booker and the problems between him and Samoa Joe. Styles says he's come back a different person and he doesn't even know who he is anymore. He adds that Joe better show up with his game face on or there's going to be problems. He says he doesn't need the Nation of Violence, he needs the Samoan Submission Machine, and he needs his friend back.

We come back with a FANTASTIC commercial for Sacrifice featuring AJ Styles looking like he's straight out of a first-person shooter. That leads into video of Rhino training with Jesse Neal. Neal says it's harder than what he went through in boot camp and Rhino says that he's being tough on him because he loves him, not because he hates him. Meh. I still think this is a horrible idea.

Match Five:
Kevin Nash and Booker T vs. Samoa Joe and AJ Styles

Joe's music hits, but Joe is a no-show and it looks like AJ is going to have to go it alone. Booker mocks AJ before they hit a lock-up. Booker pushes Styles into the ropes and badmouths him off of the break. Another lock-up and Booker moves to an armbar, but Styles reverses to one of his own. They chain wrestle a little and Booker hits a knee to the gut. Styles with a reverse elbow into an Irish whip and he scores with the PHENOMENAL dropkick!! That gets a one-count and Booker rolls over into the corner to tag in Nash. Styles with a go-behind on Nash and Nash pushes him into the corner. Styles reverses and hits some shoulderblocks before trying an Irish whip. Nash reverses it and tries to go for the elbow in the corner, but he misses as AJ slips through the ropes. AJ hits a shoulderblock to the gut off the apron and tries for a sunset flip, but Nash catches him and just throws him into the corner. Nash hits some big elbows and sets AJ up on the top rope, but AJ blocks a forearm and locks in a sleeper! Tag to Booker and he starts working the knees in the corner from the Thai clinch. Booker drops AJ with a big kneelift and tags Nash back in. Double-Irish whip and Styles rolls under a double-clothesline, kicking out Nash's legs before hitting some right hands on Booker. Booker with an Irish whip and AJ goes over the top rope before low-bridging Booker. Styles hits the springboard flying forearm on Nash and Nash rolls to the floor after taking a right hand as we cut to the back and see Bobby Lashley in the back of the Impact Zone. AJ slingshots over the top rope onto Booker and Nash on the floor and soaks in the cheers from the crowd. Samoa Joe comes down the ramp and as he makes it to the ring, it's time for a commercial!

Back to the action, and Booker hits AJ with some knees to the gut. We head to the footage from the break and see AJ and Joe arguing before the Mafia takes over on both of them. Nash is in the ring beating on Styles, but Joe comes in and takes out Nash and Booker. Dropkick takes down Nash and he whips Booker into the corner, catching him with a big powerslam on the way out. Joe sends Nash out to the floor and rams him into the steps. Jenna Morasca gets up on the apron and talks to the referee and as she does, Sharmell slides the TNA Legends Championship into Booker. Booker WAFFLES Styles with it and covers for the three-count!!

Winners: Kevin Nash and Booker T (pinfall, Booker beltshot on Styles) *1/2

(This one just didn't work for me. Nash and Booker seemed like they were trying hard, but they just don't have it to keep up with someone like Styles. The whole thing with Joe kind of dragged it down too and it looks like rather than having a united front against the Mafia, they're going to try to set up another feud between Joe and AJ. The match was about as good as can be expected with Nash and Booker carrying the bulk of the action, but that's not saying much.)

After the match, Styles and Joe get into it with Styles asking what the hell is wrong with Joe. We cut to the back and Mick Foley's got someone in his office, talking about how the person's main evented WrestleMania and that if he's going to sign this person to a lucrative contract, he wants that person to help him fight off Kurt Angle's invasion. Foley sets up a plan for them to sneak attack Angle and snickers into the camera while telling Kurt to come and get them.

After a commercial and another Kurt Angle video, Angle busts into Mick Foley's office with JB in tow. Foley tells him he needs a couple of minutes to get things in order with a contract for a new superstar coming into TNA soon. Foley says that once he's crossed the last T's, they can talk about whatever is bothering Angle. Foley tries to say the code word for the person to come out and attack Angle, but no one comes and Angle slams Foley out of the chair and starts choking him. He promises to shove the TNA Championship up Foley's ass and Foley asks why Angle's so mad at him. Angle yells at him about hitting him in the back with the chair last week and Foley says that if Angle hits Foley in the back with a chair, they'll be even. He even promises that Angle will get his shot at the TNA title at Sacrifice. Angle can't find a chair and Foley tells him to hit him with Jeff Jarrett's guitar instead. Angle agrees but tells Foley it has to be in the head. Foley asks him to stay away from the stitcheroonies and Angle lines up with it, but Foley cuts him off saying that it's probably not a good idea to break Jarrett's guitar because he and Jeff have been having problems. Foley says he'll get on the phone and have a chair in his office in less than thirty seconds. Foley gets on the phone and hits Angle in the face with it!! Foley talks about how the person that wanted the contract better start earning their money and he pulls Socko out to slap it into Kurt Angle's gullet. He locks it in and the lights go out in the office. We hear someone getting hit with a steel chair and when the lights come back on, Foley and Angle are down on the floor and Sting is standing tall in the office with a steel chair. With that final shot, we're out from Orlando!!


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