The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 05.26.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 05.26.2009

Procrastination Kills Swayze’s Malebag, The Most Extreme Movie of All Time, Brett Favre, Matt Hardy Only Needs One Hand, Raw Thoughts, Paul Roma, Cutting Crews and Cutting Costs in TNA, and the Latest Hogan Smackdown!

DID YOU KNOW?

Small had ALL DAY to write this news report. Even with all of that extra time, he is starting to write this news report at the same time he always does. What a guy. To make things even better, 411Mania is down, my internet is super slow, and he has no motivation to write this. God helps us all…

As promised, two weeks ago I announced that I would have a Swayze Malebag for you. Unfortunately with 411 being down as we speak, I cannot access the last few weeks' comments. With that said, the Swayze Malebag will be postponed until next week. With that said, I do have a suitable replacement for the malebag!

In honor of the WWE's return to Extreme at the Extreme Rulez PPV, I will now take a look back at the most extreme movie I have ever seen – Backyard Dogs.



I must admit I have not watched Backyard Dogs in six years. Even so, I still remember watching that movie like it was yesterday. What's not to like in Backyard Dogs? You have the original Black Power Ranger playing (what else?) a ninja, the main character's wrestling gimmick is that of a mailman, and the appearance of the one and only extreme wrestler, Hayabusa. In the following clip, take a look at what might possibly be the greatest incorporation of wrestling in a movie. While watching, please keep an eye out for:

random explosions

unnecessary sound effects

a chalk drawing of a penis behind Haybusa's agent's head

the Black Power Ranger's acting skillz



I know most of you Smallophiles will be rushing out to your local Blockbuster to rent a copy of this classic. But just in case that this video did not convince you, allow me to blow your mind. In addition to Hayabusa, the Black Power Ranger, and even some random titties, Backyard Dogs also stars Ms. Bree Turner! You might remember Bree from her feature roles in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (as the girl with hard wet nipples), Sorority Boys (as the girl with hard wet nipples) or in Undressed (where she probably had hard wet nipples). Granted, you can't go wrong with someone who was on one episode of USA High.

In conclusion, you owe yourself 90 minutes to watch the most extreme movie ever made (remember the explosion?)! Would I steer you wrong? I didn't with Shark Attack 3!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, Yes…

That's why they call me Slim Shady… I'm back!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome back to the only American news report at 411Mania, the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report. And just like the Great American Bash, this news report is free for all members of the Armed Forces. For the rest of you, I will be waiting for your check of tree-fitty in the mail.

In today's edition, we will take a look at Ric Flair's possible return to the ring, more fun with Matt Hardy's blog, Manu's sister's beef, Raw thoughts, the latest in the HOGAN drama, and the fallout from TNA Sacrifice. Woo Woo Woo, you know it!


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Oh Great, Another Brett Favre

Ric Flair has the itch and even Preparation HHH cannot stop it. Judging by his second WWE return in less than three months, Flair would like another chance in the squared circle. In his mind, he can still wrestle better than the majority of the WWE roster. In his mind, he could make a great deal of cash prostituting himself to smaller federations. In his mind, most ladies still want a ride on Space Mountain. Unfortunately for Flair, all of these statements are stuck in his mind.

Here's the truth, kids. FACT: Flair promised Shawn Michaels that he would not return to the ring. And to Flair, he still values his word (until someone throws up a million bones for a return match). FACT: Outside of his WrestleMania match with HBK, the rest of his Retirement Matches were pretty pedestrian or pathetic. Flair is NOT the same wrestler he was (even in 2005) and should nowhere near be the main event. FACT: Most women do still want to ride Space Mountain. Especially before Disney repaints it and renames it Bizzaro.

Clearly Flair wants to return. But does the WWE wants Flair around? Of course, the answer is YES. WHY?

According to the Wrestling Observer, "WWE creative team begun discussions of a possible Ric Flair return several weeks ago and a deal was made a week prior to the Judgment Day PPV. The decline in TV ratings pushed the idea of a Flair return, and he was text messaging Vince McMahon and John Laurinaitis offering his services.

With the return of Flair, there is no need to rush the return of Triple H. The general belief is that there is enough star power to carry the show, despite Shawn Michaels absence. The future of Flair's character is uncertain, however, there are several scenarios they could go with such as Orton punting Flair in the head to setup the return of Triple H or a possible Batista heel turn."

If Vince McMahon can still milk a dollar out of Flair's saggy titties, he will continue to do so until the well is dry. While guys like Shawn Michaels and Triple H do not want Flair to return to the ring, they do not have the final say. If Vince really believes that a Flair wrestling match will increase PPV buyrates, you know he's ready to show Flair the money.

With that said, the proposed ideas of Flair either turning on Batista (who might as well become Sting2K9) or having his brain punted in are pretty awesome. Look, not many people really want to see Flair wrestle (it's bad enough Foley has become a prostitute) so if the E can keep Flair involved without him taking a bump from the top rope, it'd be a win-win for all parties. However, if Flair were to return to the ring (which many people including Good Ole Jim Ross predicts), here's hoping that he keeps his shirt on.

This Goes to Prove That You Only Need One Hand to Type!

Another week, another Matt Hardy cryptic blog. You'd think the Angelic Diablo would have more time to train than to write silly messages on My Space. But then again, it at least gives me something to look forward to each week. Let's take a look back at the last week of Hardy bloggin'.

His original passage: "The deal has been reached, the contract has been signed as of May 19th, 2009.. Why? What about Matt? I'm sucking it up and giving every fiber of my being for..for them. With a legitimately excruciating broken hand.. but really.. for what? Nothing really ever changes.. I hope this makes everyone happy.."

He has since replaced it with the following: "Things aren't always what they seem in life

And before anyone criticizes me.. Everything I addressed is valid.

I thank my people-you know who you are.."

Most people believed that the first blog post was in regards to his brother Jeff signing a new contract with the WWE. However, it must not have been the case since Hardy felt the need to update his blog. Personally, I believe that Hardy was hinting at the signing of the Jeff vs. Edge ladder match at Extreme Rules, which happened last Tuesday (May 19th) at the Smackdown tapings. Then again, Hardy made a point of mentioning May 19th, which could (hopefully) lead to the return of Kane's sadistic persona, Jacob Goodnight. If that's the case, I think we no one will be happy.

Biten' Newsbites

From all your favorite sources:

Manu's sister has beef with Randy Orton over his comments regarding her brother's lack of professionalism.

In the good ole' days, Manu would have enough balls to step up to Randy Orton. Seriously, what does Manu have to lose? He has no job AND he's a fucking Samoan. The dude's head is harder than a rock. No RKO or punt to his head will have any effect on him. Man up, Manu.

Has Serena Deeb signed a WWE contract? Meltzer says "yes" while Dot Net says "no." Who is correct?

Uh… um…ye…no…uh…um…um…ohshit…



The Hard Knox connection is back as Charlie Haas teamed up with Mike Knox at Saturday's Smackdown house show!

I know I'm not the only one who's moist like Betty Crocker right now.

And we start off with the first of many Kroenke moments. If one of them is funny, I'd say tonight would be a win. I'm not holding my breath though. Speaking of which, this segment reminds me to check out the score of the game – Denver 0, Lakers 0.

Wait a minute, there's Jack Nicholson. And David Stern. OMG, the NBA fearz the WWE. Seriously though, why can't we all get along? Look at anteaters:

I must say a picture of Vince McMahon with a halo is actually funny. Especially since McMahon has already defeated God in a match.

Yes, the XBA! If only McMahon was serious…

A Val Venus reference! A Genius reference! OMG, Vince McMahon is bringing back the gimmicks tonight. Bring back Dean Douglas (oh wait, TNA's about to).

I must say if NBA Commissioner David Stern was watching this, he would love all of this free publicity. By the way – score: Denver 8, Lakers 2.

FWIW, Batista has his fire red undies on tonight. Note to JP: here's your Hidden Highlight.

Kelly Kelly is so mad at her DQ win, she takes down Maryse with a clothesline. Where's your finishing move K^2?

When did Goldust's stutter return? Did he get thrown into another speaker system last week on Raw? What a week to miss Raw!

I must say I'm surprised that Kofi Kingston won the #1 contendership for the US Title. You'd think the WWE would feed MVP a heel like William Regal first before setting up a face vs. face title shot. However, I would be wrong.

I love Orton telling Ric Flair that he's not Chris Jericho. You know, just in case, Jim Ross got confused. Oh shit, Mr. Kennedy is back. And to think, I had money on Paul Roma being the fifth member of the face team.

This just in: Mr. Kennedy tore his rotator cuff in that last segment.

Vickie Guerrero vs. Santina at Extreme Rules! Well, we did want a non-Judgment Day rematch. Then again, it will probably rival the Brisco vs. Patterson Evening Gown match from nine years ago. This just in: Vickie Guerrero vs. Santina in a Hog Pen match. Well, it did wonders for Triple H's career.

And hey, if you missed it, here's Vince McMahon's XBA announcement. This reminds me to check the score – Nuggets 52, Lakers 45 – Halftime.

Okay, so why did the WWE move Ezekiel to ECW when the Brian Kendrick needs a tag team partner? It's not like Ezekiel is doing anything of note.

By the way, I think it's really safe to say that Raw really hurt itself after the Draft. Case in point – is this Hornswoggle & Goldust vs. Festus and The Brian Kendrick match the best Raw can do?

Extreme Rules rundown – I gotta admit I also will be doing another repeat that Sunday (missing the show).

I must say I like the NBA introductions for the main event… except for the fact that it wasted 15 minutes. Thank God neither Triple H nor the Undertaker is part of this main event.

If the Nuggets weren't up by double figures, I'd totally turn off this main event. It's almost as boring as last week's David Hart Smith vs. Finlay match. Thank goodness, I write most of this news report during Raw or else, I would not know what to do with myself.

What a surprise – the Lakers team won. Hooray!

This Raw sucked. Plain and simple. While I really doubt the WWE gained any viewership due to last week's media exposure, if they did, it was gone halfway through the show. Why must one brand always suck immediately after a Draft? And why must it be the brand that I have to watch each week?


EPIC TRAINWRECK

From Gerweck,

Gary Smith, Linda Bollea's rep, after watching Brooke Hogan call her mom out for allegedly doing drugs in a webchat on PerezHilton.com sent the following statement to the celebrity blogger: "Perez, if Brooke continues to spew lies on behalf of her father's lame attempt to distance himself from the reality that he is no different from the homicidal OJ Simpson, Charlie will be forced to put aside his paramedic/firefighting career path and release an album called 'Redemption' which will easily surpass any of Brooke's records sales. Brooke has always had a problem telling the truth. If it is her claim that her breasts are natural or she hasn't been banging the crap out of the pot head $tack (her rapper boyfriend) for the last 3 years, then her comments of Charlie being a year and a half younger than her are again a complete fabrication they are 4 months apart. She only judges Charlie because of his long hair and age, Linda doesn't judge. Here are some cold hard facts; these people who say Linda is doing drugs are friends of Hulk Hogan. Brooke is Hulk's only remaining mouthpiece and a pawn in his game of control. Linda will walk into any drug testing facility and take a random test and the truth will be she is clean. Put your money where your mouth is Brooke aka Hulk. Brooke 'thinks' she's doing drugs is a hypocrisy when her father and $tack are rolling and smoking joints together in Brooke's recording session, and Brooke knows it. As for Charlie, he is an accomplished Spring board diver (4th in the Nationals), eagle scout and certified captain in commercial boating with his bigger goal of joining the fire department. Linda's definition of a good time is hitting a 8:30 am mass at St Max's and grabbing some Cuban food at Versailles. We aren't here to kiss anyone's ass but Linda would love spend a fun California day with Perez with or without that famous garlic chicken, but you have to go to mass."

While I hate to see family's fight, this shit is hilarious. FWIW, I did some research on $tack considering I've never heard of him and this is what I found:

His full name is Young $tack because Young worked so well for Bow Wow, Romeo, Joc, Dro, Buck, Hot Rod, etc. etc.

He went bowling for his birthday. GANGSTA!

He's friends with Jay Z and Eminem… on MySpace!

Clearly, this dude is too gangsta even for me. Brooke Hogan is a lucky ho.


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place

At Sacrifice, Jeremy Borash announced that Raven, Shane Douglas, and Lisa Marie Varon (Victoria) will be on this week's Impact.

Outside of Victoria (who could be a nice addition to the Beautiful People), I fail to see much purpose of bringing back Raven or Shane Douglas. The only good idea I can think of is that TNA will promote June's Slammiversary by bringing back former wrestlers. Outside of that, not even joining the Main Event Mafia will do any good here.

Cutting Crew

TNA is taping four weeks of episodes leading up to Slammiversary over the next few days. The week after Slammiversary, TNA will be taping another four weeks of shows in an effort to cut costs.

The good news of taping four weeks of programming over the course of three days is that it allows TNA to do house shows in other parts of the country (ie- West) since they do not need to return to Orlando until the PPV. The bad news here is that for those wrestlers who joined TNA for the lighter travel schedule; well, that's thrown out the window here. Also, I am not a fan of four weeks of tapings since there will be very little to report after next week until the PPV. I guess I am going to have to think of a few gimmick segments or hope that Kurt Angle does more radio appearances.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

As promised the Swayze malebag will return next week. Until then, let's all reflect on what we learned last night on Monday Night Raw.



For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!