Wrestling’s 4R’s Friday Edition 05.29.09: Raw Reviewed!

Posted by Jeremy Thomas on 05.29.2009

It’s the Friday edition of the 4R’s, and today I fly solo!

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By: Jeremy Thomas

Raw 05.25.09

The Right:

KOFI KINGSTON vs. MATT HARDY vs. WILLIAM REGAL: The winner of this match was announced to be set to receive a United States title shot next week. We got the Sensei of Mattitude out first, selling the cast as he has been, and then Regal in his much-improved robe, during which they showed Kofi beating Regal on Superstars. Finally out came Kofi to a nice little pop. Matt played things smart as he hung out on the outside and let Regal beat on Kofi a bit; those two had some fun work in the ring, and I'll admit I was impressed by Kofi's bouncing his head off the ropes to stop himself from flying through them. The story of this match was basically Matt and Regal battling each other for the right to brutalize Kofi while Montel came down to the ring and joined the commentary team. M.V.P. said he just wanted to face the best of the best while things continued along nicely in the ring. It did basically follow the standard triple threat formula—one guy's down while the other two wrestle, the guy down gets involved after a big move, and rinse-lather repeat—but it did it very well and everyone in the ring did some great work while Montel did some good commentary at ringside; I just loved, by the way, him pointing out that he was right all along about Matt Hardy. Continuity for the win! Kofi got the win on Matt to move onto next week and face M.V.P., which I have a feeling will end up with Matt and Regal getting involved to break this into two one-on-one feuds. Still, it will make a great match and this was a damn good one too.

puRgatoRy:

FLAIR AND ORTON AND KENNEDY (OH MY!): Flair was backstage with Batista, and he told the Manimal that he was going to call Orton out. Big Dave asked him to wait until the Raw after Extreme Rules, which OFFENDED Flair. He said he was on the way to the ring and if Batista didn't like it not to watch it. Well, I'll give them this; if they're building a storyline that will lead to a Batista heel turn and Flair returning to the ring (or a Flair heel turn while he returns to the ring) they're doing it well enough. I just hope that isn't the case. He made his way to the ring a short time later and got on the mic to talk about how Orton sucker punched him and then had his way with him. I believe the term of that (more or less) is a donkey punch, but I digress. Flair said there was no disgrace in getting beat up by the World Champion—finally, someone delivers a promo after an Orton beating that didn't bury him!—but that he wanted to see Orton do it to his face. That did bring the Legend-Killer out, and is it just me or is he finally starting to lose the crowd reactions because of how he's been buried? Orton started into a promo about how he'd do it on principle but he didn't like lowering himself to punching a sixty-year-old man. Apparently punting them in the head is okay though, yes? Flair went psycho at that point and started yelling, which got Orton yelling and things pretty much unraveled at that point. Kudos to Flair for selling the emotion here, and kudos to Randy for picking things up a bit on the mic in response. Orton then ripped down Flair and told him that he only stuck around in Evolution because ‘H felt sorry for him. Flair slapped Randy, and Randy attacked which brought out Big Dave for the save, which let Orton get the last word in…PSYCHE! Not the last word at all, as Mr. Kennedy came out to a decent initial crowd pop. He got his mic from the air and told Orton that tonight was his official return and he's the fifth man in the five-on-five match. Wow, Kennedy made it through the promo without hurting himself—I'm impressed. There were some good points in here, and I could think of worse ways for them to bring Kennedy back, but there were some bad spots as well such as the point where Orton and Flair started incoherently shouting at each other. I was okay with this, but I wasn't "into" it, It just seemed to be going through the motions.

SANTINO MARELLA & MICKIE JAMES vs. CHAVO GUERRERO & BETH PHOENIX: If there was any doubt about Santino's face-hood, this should officially shatter those doubts. Hell, Santino even paused to kiss Lillian's hand like a gentlemen…how nice! We learned here that apparently there was going to be a rematch between Santina and Vickie for the Miss WrestleMania crown at Extreme Rules. Really? We need to spend fucking Pay-Per-View time on this? REALLY??? Jesus. Chavo and Beth came out as a unit, with Chavo's music playing for the both of them; sounds like a downgrade for poor Beth. J.R. reminded us of when Santino was a face in order to sell the turn even stronger, and they had a fairly decent match between them all said and done. Or, I guess I should say a fairly decent minute and a half of a match. It was okay, but it was way too damn short and the pin came out of nowhere from Mickie. We couldn't have shaved a minute or two off that atrocious opening segment to give it to these guys?

After the match Vickie came out and announced that Chavo was going to be in her corner for her match with Santina at Extreme Rules, so she wasn't scared of whatever stipulation was chosen. Santino played around a bit, suggesting a leaning tower of pepperoni pizza match and a pasta primavera on a pole match before settling into a hog pen match. Yes, that's right…a HOG PEN match. You know the last time we saw a Hog Pen match? When ‘H battled and defeated Henry O. Godwinn in 1995*. Maybe that's a good sign of the direction that Santino's career is going? Somehow I doubt it, but you never know. This got a half-hearted laugh from the crowd, but you certainly have to give Santino and Vickie credit for playing this off well, even if the booking is Life Goes On's Corki levels of retarded.

*May not be actually the last time we've seen a Hog Pen Match. Some rules and restrictions apply; offer not appealing in North Carolina, Virginia, and the forty-eight other states or to people with an X chromosome. Side effects include smelling like a pig, burial, pointlessly wasted Pay-Per-View time and what's sure to be a terrible match. Insert other caveat here.

FIVE-ON-FIVE MAIN EVENT: This match was thoroughly basketball-themed, complete with basketball-style announcements. Apparently the Miz is point guard, Cody's shooting guard, Ted's small forward, Orton is power forward and unsurprisingly Show is center; for the faces we have MVP at point, Lawler as shooting guard, Kennedy at small forward, Cena as power forward and Batista at center. Somehow I think the faces would lose the tip-off unless Batista speared Show at the perfect moment. Lawler started off in the match for a bit against Cody before tagging in Batista, and it then moved onto MVP. As far as matches go this honestly wasn't terrible, but it wasn't all that good either. We had the J.R. and Vintage Cole rattling off every basketball cliché they could come up with while the guys in the ring tried their best to put on a match that was booked in order to seem like a basketball match. There was some good stuff, certainly; it was nice to see Kennedy in the ring again, even if he did (as we later found out) already get injured in his first match back by taking an RKO from Orton. The joke there pretty much writes itself, folks, so I won't bother. The finish of this match saw Montel hit Cody with a Playmaker on Cody for the pinfall to let the faces—sorry, the "Lakers"—get the win, which was perhaps the most unsurprising finish to a match we've seen in a good long while.

Listen, I know some people are going to give me shit for crapping all over things here, and that's okay. You're entitled to your opinions folks, just like I am mine. But consider this; the entrances took a total of ten minutes, leaving us all of sixteen for the match. Again, we needed ten solid minutes to shove this whole "Stan Kroenke sucks" motif home? We couldn't have slid some of that time to one of the ACTUAL matches that took place? There were a couple okay moments during the match—you know that MVP was going to hit the Ballin' elbow drop, but doing it opposite Cena was nice—but this was more or less a pointless wash of a main event that didn't actually do anything for the ongoing storylines building to Extreme Rules. I won't give this a wRong because everyone in the match tried hard and entertained as much as they were allowed to, but this crap sure as hell ain't Right.

The wRong:

GOLDUST & HORNSWAGGLE vs. THE BRIAN KENDRICK & FESTUS: Before this match we saw an extended segment where Goldie and Hornie interrupted "Jack Nicholson" trying to score with the Bellas so they could do a rendition of the pivotal scene from A Few Good Men. Okay, I will absolutely admit, that was funny as hell and was a great example of the ‘E doing comedy without actually burying anyone. It was well done all around and Goldie even got to bust out the Tourette's. That was a good use of Goldust and Hornswoggle.

Then we had this match. This was a bad way to sue the duo. Listen, Dustin Rhodes has some skills in the ring, no doubt. And he gets laughs from the crowd. But his days as a serious competitor are pretty much over. What they need to do is use him as Val Venis; let him work against the younger talent and help them improve—and get them over by letting them beat him. Goldust won't lose anything from the crowd by losing anymore, and he's been paired up with a midget. That screams "comedy act with no in-ring credibility." So, of course, they have a stupidly booked match with Festus and Kendrick that actually has Horny looking vaguely competitive against TBK. Wait, what? Really, guys? Great…that's just great. This match was played for pure comedy, but it just continued to bury Kendrick. If the ‘E doesn't want to do anything with Brian they need to let him go, because this is where his career is going. Oh yeah, and for a comedy match this sucked. It wasn't particularly funny at all, except for the post-match bit with Primo waking up Festus just before Kendrick slammed him with the chair. It was just bad all-around.

The Ridiculous:

DID YOU KNOW?: Nope. And, as always, I don't care.

VINCE HAS HIS FUN AT ALL OF OUR EXPENSE: After a very classy, nice opening Memorial Day message, Raw opened up with Lillian Garcia announcing E. Stan Kroenke to come down to the ring. And come down he did to the Presidential theme song, while the crowd booed. They played the video that we saw on SmackDown, recapping the whole sorry situation. "Kroenke" came down and shook hands with "David Stern," "Jack Nicholson" and "Jerry Buss" before he got in the ring to talk. Once he got on the mic he cut a pretty classic, cheap heat promo that trashed the ‘E and the fans. We got to see how Kroenke's been vilified as of late and heard "Kroenke's" complaints, until Vince came down in 150% swagger mode to put a stop to it. Unfortunately, that did NOT mean ending the segment, which would have already been merciful at this point. Even J.R., subbing tonight since Lawler was wrestling in the main event, seemed embarrassed the few times he spoke during this segment. I'll give this to Vince, he was having a lot of fun and even poked some fun at himself with the whole XBA thing. But with that aside, he basically used his business, which is a publicly traded company, in order to air his personal grievances and waste time making fun of Kroenke. Ooh, his first name is Enos, which sounds like penis. What are we, in the third fucking grade here? What's next…I'm rubber, you're glue, it bounces off me and sticks to you? Luckily that didn't last TOO long, and Vince got the cheap pop by saying the WWE Universe pushes back and started to leave.

We weren't done yet, though. Out came the Miz, and he apologized for interrupting Vince but had something to say to the fans. It would have been nice if Miz had taken the opportunity to ask Vince for a match against Cena, or played off him in some other way because usually talking to Vince on-screen = instant push. But no, he had to tease the crowd about the Lakers and then get cheap heat by bringing up Cleveland. Let me make this clear: some of you may appreciate the basketball theme and basketball references. Good for you. I don't. I don't watch basketball, I don't follow it. That probably has something to do with the fact that I live in Portland and I stopped caring around the era where the Blazers signed a sexual predator and basically became known as the Future Felons of America. Whatever the reason, I can take the occasional basketball reference for cheap heat and its fine. But an entire fifteen-minute segment of it is not a way I want to start off the show. Finally, Cena came out looking pissed and he got jumped by Legacy just before he hit the ring, to bring the first actual wrestling-related event to happen on the show…fifteen minutes and forty-five seconds in. We basically had chaos break out, with Batista slamming everyone and then Show wiping out Batista, and then Lawler, before getting clotheslined out of the ring by both Cena and Batista. Basically, we have about a minute and a half out of a seventeen minute-plus segment that referred to actual wrestling, and the rest was satisfying Vince's grudge against Kroenke and the NBA. If you need to ask me why I have this in the ridiculous, you don't know me very well.

TRIPLE K vs. MARYSE: This was Triple K's first big chance at the Butterfly Title; you know, as Vintage Cole pointed out that this is her first shot at the title, I had to realize; she's must have a record for number of non-title matches or something. The blue and black thing wasn't really suiting her, although it's fine because we had Maryse looking quite jaw dropping in her usual red get-up. You wonder if maybe they bit ‘K in blue so people in the cheap seats could tell the difference between the two tall, leggy blondes? Just saying. They did a little playing off each other before getting into it…and delivered one of the most achingly bad matches we've seen in the ‘E in some time. There was utterly no flow to the match, no story to it, and Kelly and Maryse have some really crappy chemistry. This reminds me of the low days of the division when Torrie Wilson was battling Stacy Kiebler. And then, inexplicably, the referee calls for the bell because Maryse shoved Kelly over the booth? What the HELL? Since when was THAT a disqualifiable offense? And why in the hell did Kelly need protecting? This was just terrible all around, and exposed both women badly as really having a ways to go before they're good.

The 411

Yes, I know that some people will disagree with me on this, and again that's okay. But in my mind, this was a complete waste of a show. The WWE has a Pay-Per-View coming in under two weeks, and they've only had a week to build to it. They should be spending every moment they have trying to build interest in that Pay-Per-View, especially considering it includes matches that are frankly not inspiring a lot of people. Instead, Vince once again showed that he's willing to hurt his business in order to settle a personal grudge, and this just came off like absolute shit to me. And almost as if the Nuggets-Lakers stuff spread its taint to the rest of the show, pretty much everything was lackluster or worse, including an absolutely terrible Butterfly Title match, lame comedy and so on. Only the US Title #1 Contender's match was worth watching, the rest just fell short and this abortion of a show was one of the worst two hours of wrestling seen since WCW Thunder went off the air.

SHOW RATING: *¼

Comment Time With Jeremy~!

From JRyder17:
"Fuck no, I wanna see Bryan Danielson vs. Nigel McGuinness, but I'll take what I can get." Of course we never would have seen it because it would have been edited out in post, but still."

No you'd have never seen it because no one outside of internet wrestling geeks no who the hell either of those two guys you just mentioned are.

Your troll-fu is weak, young Mr. Ryder. You must try harder if you hope to stand up with the legends of trolling; fear not though, there is hope for you yet. Seriously though, I was making a comment intended for humor, and I think you missed that. Thanks for reading though!


From KanyonKreist:
Melina doesn't seem to have much to say as a babyface. It almost seems as though she's holding back a torrent of bitchy instincts. This is tragic, because she's the best female heel WWE's had since Sensational Sherri, and they're not letting her heel it up! Instead we've got the heel stylings Michelle McCold-as-a-dead-bluegill and her repulsive Nellie Olson bangs, always trying so hard to remember her lines that she says them as if she's talking to herself. When she sputters out "all these other divas are just jealous..." -- which she says, verbatim, a LOT -- her tone sounds more like "Michelle, where did you put your damn keys...?" Sorry, I may have strayed too far there... But anyway, I thought it was miraculous how over McCool was before the heel turn; thus begging, once again, the question: WWE, why are you ALWAYS fixing what ain't broke?

Also, more than anyone else I've ever seen, Vince McMahon has a talent for taking a situation wherein he's actually in the right, and pounding it into everybody's heads until it's no longer biologically possible to feel any sympathy for him. This Denver thing is perhaps the most crystal clear example of this that he's ever given us.

You know, you make a good point with Melina and Michelle. I can usually dig on Melina since she's been a face, but that's because she still had a lot of ready-made feuds on Raw. I think she'll get back up to snuff when she gets more established histories with the SmackDown ladies, but we'll see. And the Michelle turn did make sense at the time, becuase SmackDown was face-heavy on Divas, but she was pretty over as a face. We'll have to see where this goes though.

And as for the Vince thing...well, you stated it perfectly right there. Well-put.


From JFLYNT:
Once again on Smackdown my boy Shelton Benjamin gets buried. I know again I'm being biased but its a shame that hes getting overlooked again by creative. We all know Michael Hayes is in charge of writing on SD and what he thinks about black wrestlers. I still think that the face/heel role in the Shelton-Morrison feud should be reversed because Morrison doesn't look confortable in the face role. He and Melina should become a egotistic heel couple and feud with a face Shelton and another diva like Candice or Gail Kim.

Honestly I think Morrison is doing fine in his face role. Yes, Shelton appears to be taking a step down the card but I don't think it has anything to do with his race. I think it's more likely that they're looking at putting Haas and Shelton back together for a bit, which is unfortunate on one hand but it will at least give Carlito and Primo someone to conceivably wrestle if they decide to go travelling brands with the Unified Tag Titles. We'll see how it goes,


From August:
Vince challenging Kronke to a steel cage match was obviously a joke. I don't think it showed the business to be full of "roided up steroid freaks" or whatever. Everyone I talked to at work thought it was pretty funny.

You are right of course, in saying that Vince took it much too far, especially on Raw last night, but I don't know if a 2 minute video package is really all that wRong.

Now, on Raw, watching Vince make penis jokes for five minutes was much more embarassing then Vince doing an interview on ESPN.

Everyone I talked to thought the steel cage challenge was funny, but in the "Amy Winehouse" funny way of being laughably embarassing. Probably has to do with the make-up of work associates; mine are all big "legitimate" sports fans and so you can imagine what side they're on.


From M:-X:
JT- my comments were more regarding the OTHER commentors,as I typically only disagree with you on minor things.

And while I *DO* agree with you that the Santina angle is crap... the Santino/Chavo part was in no way bad. I truly believed Vickie winning the "Miss Wrestlemania" crown was the end of the angle.

NOW, considering they DIDN'T end the angle and are continuing it up until Extreme Rules-- I'm totally with you. BUT had that been the end it would have been lackluster but still good because it ended and they gave us an ending without just dropping it.

Sorry, I think my tone came off wrong there M. I wasn't offended at all, I was trying to make a joke but it doesn't always come across right in text. I guess that was my big problem; had it ended at Vickie winning I would have been okay-ish with it. But I had a feeling it wasn't going to be over, and indeed it isn't. So yeah, we're in total agreement now about the direction it's going.


From Shockmaster:
JOHN MORRISON & CRYME TYME vs. RICKY ORTIZ & THE WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM:

"Does the ‘E think that we've forgotten that Cryme Tyme & MnM 2.0 feuded for a good couple of months over their WWE.com shows?"

Their what now? Really, if they book off of that 95% of the audience will be lost.

CHRIS JERICHO vs. CM PUNK: Punk should buy BFF charms for he and Jericho, because Chris is the best thing to ever happen to him. As mediocre as Punk is to me, Y2J turns him into a quality worker instantly. If only it carried over to other matches.

MELINA GETS A MESSAGE AND SENDS IT BACK WITH A SMACK: Once again we have a face acting like a heel. What did Alicia do to deserve that? We constantly hear how WWE has gone PG, yet the faces are anything but role models.

DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. R-TRUTH: Post match, Truth hits the same move that beat Mike Knox, but Dolph basically no sells it and still escapes. That hurts his cred more than the loss.

With the Morrison/Cryme Tyme thing, I was more referencing the feud they had on Raw where they kept referring to the war of words on the WWE.com shows. They wrestled back and forth for what, a couple months? And we had those segments on Raw and ECW where they would mock each other by appearing as each other in their online shows. That was what I mean. I agree that Punk and Jericho have great chemistry; of course, I think Punk is working well against more people than just Y2J, but I know we have different opinions on Mr. Money in the Bank. I'll bring you around yet, man! Melina being heelish was just another example, I think, of how they're trying for a more nuanced PG and not the cartoonish black-and-white morality of the '90's PG WWF, and it was okay for me. And good point on the finisher with Truth and Dolph; I hadn't even thought of that, but you are absolutely right there.

---

By: Larry Csonka

ECW 05.26.09:

Due to a power outage, I will have to catch a replay this weekend, so for now there are no R's of ECW.

---

2009 PPV Rankings:
-ROH RISING ABOVE {8.0}
-WWE NO WAY OUT {8.0}

-TNA SACRIFICE {7.5}
-WWE BACKLASH {7.5}
-WWE ROYAL RUMBLE {7.3}
-TNA GENESIS {7.2}
-TNA LOCKDOWN {7.2}
-ROH CAGED COLLISION {7.1}
-WWE WRESTLEMANIA {7.0}

-WWE JUDGMENT DAY {6.5}

-TNA AGAINST ALL ODDS {5.5}

-TNA DESTINATION X {3.5}

---

2009 TOP PPV Match Rankings:
-[WWE WRESTLEMANIA] – HBK vs. The Undertaker (*****)

-[ROH RISING ABOVE] - ROH WORLD TITLE MATCH: Nigel McGuinness © vs. Bryan Danielson (****½)
-[WWE NO WAY OUT] – THE SMACKDOWN ELIMINATION CHAMBER (****½)
-[BACKLASH] – LAST MAN STANDING: Edge vs. John Cena (****½)

-[ROH RISING ABOVE] – I QUIT MATCH: Jimmy Jacobs vs. Austin Aries (****¼)
-[TNA GENESIS] - Kurt Angle defeated Jeff Jarrett (****¼)
-[TNA GENESIS] - X-Division Title Match: Alex Shelley defeated Chris Sabin (****¼)
-[WWE NO WAY OUT] – THE RAW ELIMINATION CHAMBER (****¼)


-[ROH CAGED COLLISION] #1 CONTENDERS MATCH – Tyler Black vs. Jimmy Jacobs vs. Bryan Danielson vs. Austin Aries (***¾)
-[ROH CAGED COLLISION] ROH WORLD TITLE MATCH – Nigel McGuinness vs. El Generico (***¾)
-[TNA SACRIFICE] – I QUIT LEGENDS TITLE MATCH – Booker T vs. AJ Styles © (***¾)
-[TNA SACRIFICE] – Eric Young and Lethal Consequences vs. The Machineguns and Sheik Abdul Bashir (***¾)
-[TNA LOCKDOWN] – PHILLY STREET FIGHT: IWGP vs. TNA TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH – Team 3D vs. Beer Money (***¾)
-[TNA DESTINATION X] - X-Division Title Ultimate X Match: Suicide defeated Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal (***¾)
-[WWE ROYAL RUMBLE] – THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH (***¾)
-[WWE ROYAL RUMBLE] – WWE TITLE MATCH: Edge defeated Jeff Hardy (***¾)
-[WWE WRESTLEMANIA] – MONEY IN THE BANK (***¾)
-[WWE JUDGMENT DAY] – Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho (***¾)

---

2009 PPV MVP AWARDS:
Not every PPV will have one, it just depends on who I think steps up and deserves some extra recognition.

-[TNA GENESIS] Sabin, Shelley, Angle and Jarrett – Rocking The House
-[ROH RISING ABOVE] – Danielson and McGuinness - Defining the ROH World Title
-[WWE ROYAL RUMBLE] – RVD – The Joke Pays Off
-[WWE NO WAY OUT] – EDGE – The Ultimate Opportunist
-[WWE WRESTLEMANIA] – HBK and The Undertaker – Stealing the Show
-[ROH CAGED COLLISION] – Nigel McGuinness – Better Than You Sugar Nuts
-[TNA LOCKDOWN] - Christopher Daniels – Pulling Double Duty
-[WWE BACKLASH] – Edge and John Cena – Stealing the Show
-[TNA SACRIFICE] – The TNA Roster – Making the Best Out of Shitty Booking

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2009 TOP TV Match Rankings:
I will update as often as needed.

-Bryan Danielson vs. Tyler Black – (ROH on HDNet: 04.25.09) {****}
-Evan Bourne vs. John Morrison - (ECW: 04.14.09) {****}
-Christian vs. Jack Swagger - (ECW: 02.24.09) {****}
-Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena - (Raw: 01.12.09) {****}

-CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho - (Superstars: 05.21.09) {***¾}
-Bryan Danielson vs. Tyler Black – (ROH on HDNet: 05.09.09) {***¾}
-Bryan Danielson vs. Austin Aries – (ROH on HDNet: 04.04.09) {***¾}
-Beer Money vs. Team Canada – (Impact: 02.19.09) {***¾}
-Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles – (Impact: 01.22.09) {***¾}

-Edge vs. Jeff Hardy - (Smackdown: 05.21.09) {***½}
-Edge vs. Chris Jericho - (Smackdown: 05.15.09) {***½}
-Rey Mysterio vs. Shelton Benjamin - (Superstars: 05.14.09) {***½}
-Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Jericho - (Smackdown: 05.08.09) {***½}
-Edge vs. Kofi Kingston - (Superstars: 04.23.09) {***½}
-John Cena vs. Chris Jericho - (Raw: 04.20.09) {***½}
-Undertaker vs. Shelton Benjamin - (Smackdown: 04.17.09) {***½}
-Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy - (Smackdown: 04.10.09) {***½}
-Primo vs. The Miz - (ECW: 03.10.09) {***½}
-Edge vs. John Cena - (Raw: 03.02.09) {***½}
-Lethal Consequences vs. Motor City Machine Guns – (Impact: 02.19.09) {***½}
-Undertaker vs. Shelton Benjamin - (Smackdown: 01.09.09) {***½}

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And I'm out of here!



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