The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 06.02.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 06.02.2009

Dancing with the Stars Khali-style, The Magic Man Mr. Kennedy, Striking Rods, Raw Thoughts, Why Foley Should Give it Up, and What Ever Happened to the Kat!

Judging by my lack of comments the last few weeks, it seems as if many of my Smallophiles are either on vacation or have gotten fed up with my recent absences. Looking over my schedule for next week, it appeared as if I was going to miss another Small-For-All! But fear not kids – for I will not hook up or even miss next week. Rather, next Tuesday, you will all witness the first (and probably last) Tuesday FILLER-FOR-ALL News Report! That's right! All of your favorites – Swayze Malebag, Slimmer Watch – will meet up with a few new soon-to-be-favorites – 2009 WHAMMY Nominations, Kegger of Love – in what should be the only news report with zero news in it! Man, I'm excited. How bout you?

You might have noticed that due to next week's monumental Small-For-All, I needed to postpone the Swayze Malebag one more week. I sorry I sorry. However, like last week, I do have a rather suitable replacement for you.

KHALI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



DANCING WITH THE STARS

I have a confession for all of you – I rarely watch any wrestling outside of Monday Night Raw. While Smackdown, ECW, and TNA Impact all interest me, I must say that I usually have other priorities (namely other TV shows) that I watch instead. At times, I get onto a good cycle with these shows – for about two months, I did not miss the Saturday AM replay of Impact – but mainly I just read what's going to happen online.

Of all of the shows, Smackdown is usually the hardest one for me to watch…. until this past week! After reading the Smackdown Spoilers, I learned that the Great Khali was going to tag team with R-Truth. Honestly, if I didn't have wood before, now I was riding Rolling Thunder. The prospect of R-Truth rapping with the Great Khali or even dancing with Khali would have been too monumental for me to miss. Luckily for me, I do not have any friends (mommy don't let them into the basement) and was able to watch Smackdown last week.

Now for those of you who missed the Great Khali last week - it looked something like this.



As you can see above, the Great Khali totally stepped up while stomping the yard before serving R-Truth a little piece of the center stage. While many people were surprised with Khali's breakdancing skills, I wasn't. True fans of the Punjabi Playboy know that Khali has danced in many Bollywood movies. For instance in the movie "Raama – the Savior", Khali shook his groove thing to one of the many dancing numbers.

But that was not the only time that Khali has danced! BEHOLD!

In 1998, the Great Khali won a Danceathon by chopping all of his action (and mostly power) to victory.

in 2006, the Great Khali would have been a contestant on Dancing with the Stars Punjab Edition but had to sit out when a rival contestant attacked him before the show. Unlike Nancy Kerrigan, Khali sucked it up and also squeezed the juice of his rival's head.

The Great Khali inspired the song "Jai Ho." He's also made love to four of the Pussy Cat Dolls.

Lastly, the Great Khali has been known to throw down a mean rhyme on the streets of Dubai. Unlike other OGs, Khali's boasts include eating twenty-one chickens during an episode of Robot Chicken, deflowering twelve virgins faster than Ken Kennedy getting injured on Raw, and not washing his hands after doing #2.


Name the five best rappers of all time. Khali, Khali, Khali, Khali, and Khali. Because he spits hot fire!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome back to the Greatest Love of All – the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report! In today's edition, we discuss Ken Kennedy's entry into magic, Matt Striker's striking rod, the Undertaker's next feud, and most importantly, what happened to the Kat! That and why Mick Foley pisses me off!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Unbreakable – call him Mr. Glass

Clearly, the big news of the last week was Ken Kennedy's sudden release from his WWE contract. From Figure4Weekly,

The word on Mr. Kennedy's surprising release from World Wrestling Entertainment Friday night is that almost injuring Randy Orton as well as himself during his match on Raw last week was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Kennedy made his return to Raw on Monday night after a ten month hiatus rehabbing a badly injured shoulder. As bad luck would have it, Kennedy ended up injuring his wrist after taking the RKO from Orton. More seriously in the eyes of management, Orton nearly re-injured his bad shoulder as a result of an errant back suplex on the part of Kennedy, who dropped him on his shoulder rather than his back. This happened to be the same area where he broke his collarbone exactly one year ago today at the One Night Stand pay-per-view, resulting in a several month absence from the ring. Orton was visibly upset as he quickly tried slapping Kennedy on the back of his head and started pounding his fist on the mat before finally selling the maneuver.

Following the show, Orton and Kennedy had words backstage, although it was not heated. Very calmly, Orton dressed him down, telling him he needed to be more careful so he wouldn't injure anyone else in the ring.

Internally, many are singling out Kennedy's sloppy maneuver on Orton as the final straw and caused Vince McMahon, following several attempts over the years to push him, and numerous untimely setbacks, to finally make the decision to part ways with him.

For those of you who never saw Kennedy's botched back suplex, here it is:



Damn, Orton is not a happy camper there. And could you blame Orton? If there is one person who has been injured just as many times as Kennedy, it's Edge. And if there was a second, it would be Randall K Orton.

Unfortunately for Mr. Kennedy, he is no Edge or Orton. You see, even after their injuries, they both became main eventers. Edge and Orton both had two years of healthiness that led to him winning a World Championship. Kennedy, on the other hand, could not even last two years. Let's take a look at his "four year WWE career:"

August 25, 2005 – Kennedy debuts on Smackdown
October 2005 – Kennedy injures Hardcore Holly's ribs at No Mercy
November 2005 – Kennedy wrestles Eddie Guerrero in his final match
December 2005 – Kennedy tears his lat
Total In-Ring Time: about 4 months

June 9, 2006 – Kennedy returns to Smackdown after a 6 month absence
May 7, 2007 – Kennedy loses his MITB shot as he had torn his right triceps
Total In-Ring Time: 11 months

August 20th, 2007 – Kennedy returns to Raw after a 3 month absence
September 10, 2007 – Kennedy is suspended for 30 days for violating the Wellness policy
Total In-Ring Time: 3 weeks

October 1, 2007 – Kennedy returns after a month's absence. In this match, Kennedy injures John Cena on a botched hiptoss.
August 4, 2008 – Kennedy injures his shoulder
Total In-Ring Time: 10 months

May 25, 2009 – Kennedy returns to Raw after a 9 month absence
May 29, 2009 – Kennedy is released from his contract
Total In-Ring Time: 1 week

Total In-Ring Time: 26 months
Total Out of the Ring Time: 19 months

Yikes, that's not good at all. Of all these stints, Kennedy had the best run during his second stint (of 11 months). During this time, he feuded with Batista over the World Championship, won the Money in the Bank ladder match at WrestleMania 23, and even proclaimed that he would have used his title shot at WM24. Vince was still high enough on Kennedy even after his injury to have him named as McMahon's illegitimate son. Unfortunately, Kennedy was suspended for Wellness and since then, McMahon soured on him. Case in point: Kennedy was only a supplemental draft pick in the most recent draft. If that does not tell you where Kennedy stood on the totem pole, I do not know what will. This alone shows that Kennedy was on a short leash - one that did not last a week.

But Jeff, if McMahon was down on Kennedy, why was he featured in Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia? Well, Smallophiles, back when the movie was announced, Kennedy was still in good standing. Plus, if the movie did well (which it didn't), then Kennedy could have used that buzz to grant him a longer leash.

In addition, this was not the first time, Kennedy could have injured another wrestler with a simple move. I remember listening to a Wrestling Observer radio show around October 2007 where Dave Meltzer mentioned the night and day performances Kennedy was giving in the ring. At times, he looked very competent (see his matches with Batista and HBK) and a future main eventer. Other times, he looked slow, lost, and careless. You never knew what you'd get with Kennedy which is really tough when you are trying to push someone.

At the end of the day, Kennedy was too injured, too up and down in the ring, and too loose with his interviews to be kept around. If Kennedy spends the next few months getting his stamina back and working on basic fundamentals, then I really think he could be something special (ala Christian Cage) in TNA. And if that doesn't work, judging by this video, he could have a career in magic!



Striking Rod

Over the last couple of weeks, nude photos of a certain WWE superstar were leaked to the internet. While most of us would hope that the pictures were of a particular Diva or two (*coughVickieGuerrerocough*), this was not the case. In what should not be shocking to anyone, these nude pictures were of a teacher. Gosh, when did the word teacher become synonymous with porn star? From Mary Kay Letourneau to that bitch that touched my wee wee in the seventh grade, it seems as if teachers are the sexual deviants of the world. I do not know about you but when Large Medium goes to school, he shall be wearing a chastity belt.

By knowing that it's a teacher, we can narrow down the search to two WWE Superstars – Michelle McCool and Matt Striker. Unfortunately you know that the Undertaker wouldn't let his girlfriend love life as a nudist. So yes, naked pictures of everyone's favorite ECW announcer and teacher, Matt Striker can be found on the intranetz.

(Sidenote: If Shane Douglas came back with a Naked Mideon gimmick, it would be a vast improvement to his current TNA character. And yes, I'm basing this from reading the spoilers.)

Fear not Smallophiles, for I am not posting the naked picture of Striker on this website. Not only would it violate our TOS but it might cost me my job. Remember, violence is fine (like last week's exploding head) but nudity is bad. That and I haven't actually searched for the naked picture. I might have a thing for Khali but I am no homosexual. And if I did accidentally stumble upon Striker's member, then I would have surely screamed "No Homo" before looking at it.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite websites…

Drew McIntrye still has a job as he was seen over the weekend at house shows.

Now if only we could find Sim Snuka….

D'Lo Brown stated on a radio interview that he was released due to the sluggish economy.

And to think it was because he gained 15 pounds after getting injured early in his return. I love D'lo Brown but he definitely looked out of place on Raw (even post-steriod Raw).

There have been talks backstage of an Undertaker/Dolph Ziggler feud.

Because a handshake worked so well for Orlando Jordan.

And Raw opens up with *GASP* a curtain jerking interview. And with a flip of a coin, Cody Rhodes gets to job to Batista tonight.

Ric Flair must have signed another contract with the WWE as it looks like he found another stash of crack backstage.

And hey, the WWE kept the cage down to open with their blockbuster of a main event. I guess Goldust and Hornswoggle are going to have to main event tonight.

It must be Thanksgiving somewhere because Batista served some squash tonight.

Dammit, I was hoping that Shannon Moore was going to be picked as John Cena's tag team partner. If only Brock Lesnar/JBL was picking names out of the box. By the way, must we have another handicap match to main event a WWE program?

What are they thinking? $1.99 for her chicken?

Haven't we seen this tag match before? I'd ask for a Divas match at Extreme Rules but I doubt that there's anything PG about a bra and panties in a pool match.

Oh man, Matt Hardy is pissed that William Regal botched a double elbow! Will Regal be fired tomorrow? Intrigue.

And there's Ric Flair's 100% shoot promo on wanting to return! Ladies and gentlemen, I do not see this ending well.

Now if Matt Hardy fucks Vickie Guerrero, can he finally say he has gotten back at Edge?

So I decided to mute my TV during this tag match and I must say it makes Raw that much enjoyable.

And there goes all of Miz's heat. He jobbed to Chavo Guerrero and then gets to lay down and pray the Big Show does not fall on him. If only the Miz was drafted to Smackdown…

Ever notice how African-Americans only feud with other African-Americans in the WWE? Doesn't Vince know that Rosa Parks freed the slaves?

Kudos to Kofi Kingston for winning the US Championship in the best match on Raw in a long time (not that that's saying much). Here's hoping that the WWE has plans for MVP moving forward.

Even with the live rundown of Extreme Rules, I can't really say I have any interest in watching it. I probably will but will definitely not order it.

And to further increase my excitement for Extreme Rules, here's an extreme streetfight! Of course, the retired Ric Flair (who had an awful win-loss record in the WWE) gets the better of the WWE Champ for a good ten minutes. I hate to say it but Orton was shown to be much stronger when feuding with Triple H of all people.

While this week's Raw was better than last week's abortion, I still cannot recommend this show to anyone except for insomniacs. If this is the best that the Raw writers can do, then we are in for a long summer. What Raw really needs is a shakeup and I doubt that WWE Champion Batista is the correct answer.


HAVE YOU SEEN ME?



What ever happened to the Kat? In better days, she dressed like Chyna, showed her boobies on WWE PPV, and even participated in a Thong Stinkface match. Then she decided to suck another dude's member. Now, it appears as if many years of drugs have gotten to her.

As for the King's latest queen –



Karma's a bitch, ain't it.


NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Foley Follies

On his MySpace page, Mick Foley wrote this about his Sacrifice performance: "I was very happy with the match at "Sacrifice", even if my back has been feeling the effects of that Angle Slam on the concrete for the past five days. Quite possibly, this is Mother Nature's way of telling me that 44 years + 300 pounds + concrete is not a winning equation. Looking at the match on television, I saw a number of places where I could improve, most notably in my conditioning. Probably need to drop another 20 big ones if I want to live up to what fans expect from their main event wrestlers."

Does anyone else see a problem with this? Mick, Mother Nature's not the only one who's telling you to hang it up. I seem to recall Foley speaking on how veterans refused to give up the top spot when he was in WCW. Now at 44 years of age, should Foley be a World Champion? Nope. He even knows he needs to drop twenty pounds (which is definitely not easy for a 44 year old man) in order to get into decent shape. But he really shouldn't even be wrestling (especially not full time).

I understand that Foley still has a great mind for the business and still a great promo man. But his body cannot handle it! I hate to see in five years, Foley not being able to walk because his knees are shot. It's going to happen though.

It's really sickening that the older generation of wrestlers refuse to hang up their boots. Sure, it's happened in the past but you'd think that history wouldn't repeat itself. You'd think someone would go "maybe we shouldn't be main eventing when we are fully grey". Unfortunately this is not the case. Kudos to the Rock for staying away and moving on with his life. If only he could have dragged Flair, Foley, and the rest of the prostitutes with him.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

As mentioned in the beginning of the news report, next week, all of your favorite segments will be returning in the first ever FILLER-FOR-ALL. In addition, I will be announcing the first-ever WHAMMY AWARD nominations! All this and the debut of Kegger of Love next week in the Small-For-All!

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!