The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 06.09.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 06.09.2009

The First Ever Filler-For-All Includes: Swayze Malebag, Ninja Cheerleaders, WrestleMania Buyrate, Kegger of Konsequences, Slimmer Watch, WHAMMY Award Nominations, and um, 69!!!

Welcome to the first and hopefully last ever FILLER-OF-ALL NEWS REPORT!!! Long story short – twenty five years ago, my mother, with great pain in her eyes (and in her vagina), birthed me. Flash forward twenty four years and we are at this dilemma. Basically, I did not want to find another fill-in seeing as I have been only semi-regular recently. So in order to get myself more regular, this week, I am feeding my news report fiber in the form of filler. Instead of having to read a [insert name]-For-All, which could range from being pretty good to awful (like a Dustin James news report), you get blessed with a whole lotta Small-For-All Filler. Yummy.

And to start things off, we must introduce the one man who has been coasting on his laurels since 1991's Point Break – SWAYZE!!!!!!!!!



Seeing as how this malebag is two weeks overdue, we have a lot of feedback to talk about. Let's get started!!!

Ninja Cheerleaders

"I still can't believe you haven't talked about Shelton Benjamin's momma hosting the AVN awards this year." ~ Sbre zeke

Ha, seeing as how the 2009 AVN Awards happened in January, I am definitely behind the times. While I love all things trainwreck, I really do not follow a lot of pornography so the AVN Awards aren't a high priority in my mind. I'm way more of a fan of those late night soft-core Skinamax movies. You know the ones with the awful titles and always star Nicole Sheridan. Case in point: this past weekend, I stumbled upon "Ninja Cheerleaders." In addition to having an awesome title, it starred Trishelle, who is best known for fucking the Miz (along with plenty of other Real World stars… and Andy Dick). How could I go wrong with this one? Behold the trailer:



To my disappointment, it was nowhere near as good as Zombie Strippers. While there are parts of the plot that I absolutely love – in addition to being cheerleaders, the three main characters are also strippers only because they need money to go to an Ivy League school – the main ingredient for this money was missing – nudity. Sure there were a few random breasts during a couple of interludes, but none of the main characters showed some skin. Hell, Sulu showed more skin and that's not right!


That's not right – you tell them Debra!

In the end, I cannot recommend Ninja Cheerleaders even though the title is kick-ass. And I also cannot tell you why Belladonna won a Best Supporting Actress Award, but I bet she cups balls pretty well.

Prostitute Foley

"All pro wrestlers are marks for themselves, and to be successful, you have to be. Now you're telling me after 30+ years of eating, sleeping and breathing your own brand you can just shut it off and walk away cold turkey? It's damn near impossible, calling them prostitutes is disrespectful when every single pro wrestler in the world sacrificing their health for our entertainment could be called that at any age, not only in terms of health but divorce rate, etc- what because they're older and not automatically entertaining to you NOW they're prostitutes?? Let's see what you think when Khali turns 44. Short answer, if they're prostitutes then you're just a john. ...Just a little reality check for ya Small, best column on 411 wrestling as usual." ~ The Weesel

Weesel, thanks for the feedback. It's great knowing that you are still alive after being fired from Saved By the Bell: The New Class! Anyway, judging from your feedback, it seems as if you were unhappy with me labeling Foley a "prostitute." Look, Foley said it, not me. From Chapter 34 in "Foley is Good", "For me, however, main eventing at ‘Maina sounded like a disaster, a disaster that would turn me into a… prostitute…. I swore I wouldn't be like those other guys who "prostitute" their name only to come back six weeks later. And I hadn't. I came back three weeks later." You see, I was just using Foley's words to emphasize my point.

Those particular sentences showed how Foley had some difficulties with returning to the ring after he retired one month earlier in 2000. While he was swayed by Vince McMahon's persuasion to return, he has since returned many a-times. My question is "How would the Foley of the year 2000 think of himself now – main eventing an up-and-coming federation nine years later at the age of 44?"

Oh and to answer how I will feel about Khali when he turns 44 – best believe I'm dumping his ass by the end of the year. I'm way too much of a playa to stay with only one man.

Ken Kennedy's Wrists

"Small, help me. People think that my wrists are broken. I even posted a video on Facebook to show that I can still jerk off in style. Don't judge me for loving tits an ass! Honestly though what can I do to convince people that I am not always injured?" ~ Mr. Anderson

Ken, listen to me closely. You are a walking liability in the wrestling ring not only to others but to yourself. While your wrists appear to be in good shape, your mind is not. I do not know if it's a lack of confidence, but for the last year, you were extremely bipolar. You could have a great match with Shawn Michaels but then have an awful match the next week with John Cena. No one knew what to expect with you Ken.

Here's my advice. Go to Japan for a bit. Have some decent matches and build enough buzz that people like Samuel Berman will vote for you for Wrestler of the Week. After a year in Japan, have a few matches in ROH. By showing the slightest hint of a Japanese style, the ROHbots like Ari Bernstein will go lady gaga over you. After a few matches, I guarantee that that WWE will send mucho money your way. Trust me on this one.

What about TNA? I already realize that you are only 80 days away from signing with them so heed this advice after your stint in Orlando fails miserably. And by miserably, I mean in Macho Man fashion.

The Miz

"what is with the IWC fawning over the Miz? Are we still getting orgasmic over worked shoots? I thought Russo ran that shit into the ground 10 years ago.

He picks the easiest target in the company to shoot on, he messes up his lines and in some cases looks absolutely lost in his delivery (I believe he referred to Cena as a poopy head after an awkward pause in one segment. Ooh, edgy) and he cant wrestle for shit. But everybody is thinking he is some second coming cause he regurgitates the shit dirtsheet writers say. Not only that but stylistically he looks like he is stuck in the latter half of the previous decade.

The manufactured cocky backstreet boys, worked shooter of the wwe, and if that isn't bad enough the guy cant deliver in the ring.

It makes the IWC people look bush league to be singing his praises. You do know that The Miz is a comedy act right? He isn't being groomed for a main event run, you wont see him feuding with anybody over the IC or US titles, he is on Santino's level, comic relief. It's like Vince (or HHH, or whoever) is mocking the IWC and they are missing the joke completely which is making it that much more amusing." ~ lap it up

Here's why I like the Miz – he's a breath of fresh air on a really stale Raw. While you would think that Raw would have gotten better after the 2009 Draft, it has actually regressed badly –Greg Paulus badly. Since the Draft, the Miz has been one of the few highlights on the show. Sure "shooting" on John Cena is not that hard of a job, but the Miz does it well. I've enjoyed his promos and it seems that the live crowd also does as he gets a good amount of heel heat. Considering Cena has gotten mixed reactions in the past, you can definitely say that the Miz is exceeding since he's not being cheered. Even heel Triple H was cheered against Cena.

As for the Miz wrestling for shit – I think the jury is out on that one. While he was awful during his debut year, he was definitely serviceable as a tag team specialist with John Morrison. The true test will be when he has his first singles feud. Until then, I don't think it's correct to say he can't wrestle but at the same time, I do not think anyone is gushing over his wrestling ability.

"Why do people like me so much?" ~ P. Roma

Honestly Mr. Roma, it's due to the fact that you are the ultimate paradox. On one hand, your selflessness led to many awesome tag teams; on the other hand, you tried boxing which failed miserably. I hope that helps.

Identity Theft

"Also, is Small coming out and admitting he's actually the Loch Ness Monster?? You ain't getting no tree fitty from me monster!!!" ~dennett316



"Either Small is game and is totally playing up the whole Hyatte thing that people like Rocco won't leave alone, or, as I continue to guess, he IS Hyatte and this is one of the slowest building mindf*cks he's ever pulled off." ~ Jimbo

Just waiting until I start including filler like book reviews in my news report! Oh wait…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Thank God for granting me this moment of clarity…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



With the Swayze Malebag out of the way, let's turn our attention to all the pressing matters in the WWE. Well anything that has happened before close of business Sunday night. Yes, I'm probably writing this news report before Randle and it will still be more relevant than his.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Biten' Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

From the main page, "The first estimate for WrestleMania XXV's buyrate is 970,000, this includes international PPV buys. WrestleMania XXIII did 1.25 million buys, while WrestleMania XXIV did 1.05 million buys. The number is down, but WWE is said to be satisfied with the figure, especially due to the economy."

Oh wow. Now that's surprising… in a good way! First estimates are always a tad bit lower than the official buyrate so I would not be surprised to see WrestleMania's buyrate fall right at the one million mark when all is said and done. Considering there were plenty of factors going against the show (both internally and externally) including a lack of a mainstream match (which helped the previous two editions), the World Heavyweight Championship being played as a comedy match, a $50 PPV tag in a slow economy, etc. etc, I think everyone should be satisfied with the figure. If we can take one thing out of this news piece, it's that the WrestleMania brand is very strong no matter the economic conditions. That and people still love Kid Rock.

Chris Masters may or may not be returning to the WWE.

Yes, the return of the Masterlock Challenge!!! Now if Khali fails me too many times, I know who I can turn too. Sadly, Master-For-All doesn't have the same ring to it.

Tommy Dreamer won the ECW Championship at Extreme Rules.

I guess the WWE is trying to do the whole "He's champion but not signed under contract" angle that worked very well with CM Punk and his ROH Championship. The only problem here is that it's with Tommy Dreamer AND that ECW is still a part of the WWE. That said, it was definitely the right call as Dreamer can successfully defend his championship until The Bash when Jack Swagger can retire him for good. Unless he's wants to be the next Mick Foley – then he will be GM by SummerSlam.

Batista won the WWE Championship at Extreme Rules.

Color me surprised. I would have tried to find a stream but Kendra is debuting on E! Oh and (for those who care), next week Daisy finds out about Foxx's girlfriend. Shit's gonna hit the fan, I say.

CM Punk won the World Heavyweight Championship at Extreme Rules by pinning new champ Jeff Hardy.

Color me really surprised. The show seemed to have hit a screeching halt after the ECW Triple Threat match but I guess the main event and the ensuing title changed drastically helped the show. From the sounds of things, the WWE now has the decision of whether to turn Punk heel. By having him defeat uber-face Jeff Hardy, he can easily slide into the heel role or if the WWE wants to keep him as a face, they could always say he was opportunistic and would have challenged Edge had he won. I would like to see if Punk could make it as a main event heel. We shall see Friday.

Mickie James is preparing to branch out as a country singer.

Sure beats Cena's attempt at country music:




KEGGER OF KONSEQUENCE

Loyal Smallophiles might know Kegger as one of my buddies who came to WrestleMania 24 with me. What most people do not realize is that Kegger is the person who introduced me to a small green and black website called 411Wrestling. At that time, 411 was a year away from becoming Mania and a few years away from the monumental split that sent 411 soaring to the heavens! So if it wasn't for Kegger, who knows if I would have ever stumbled upon this website. Due to this, I asked Kegger if he wanted an outlet to voice his opinions and he finally took me up on the offer. With this being the FILLER-FOR-ALL, it is the best time for KEGGER OF KONSEQUENCE to debut. And hey, if you all like it, perhaps I will have a banner made for this.

Hey there sports fans. Welcome to the first edition of Kegger of Konsequences. Not really sure where the title came from. There is going to be nothing consequential about this little blurb. The title frankly makes no sense. Of course, it was decided on by Small, so it should come as no surprise to anyone. He never makes sense.

So, after I was asked to contribute to this week's Small-For-All, I thought long and hard about what exactly I wanted to write about. After deliberating for days over South Park reruns and Dave Matthews Band concerts, I came up with this…The Importance of Midgets in Professional Wrestling.


Who's My Bitch?

There is just something about midgets that captivates me. It's not like I'm never around them. I have a good friend who happens to be of smaller stature. It goes back a long way. Ever since Little Beaver was almost killed by King Kong Bundy at Wrestlemania 3 I've found myself pulling for the little guys. From the Haiti Kid to Hornswoggle, from Dink to the Little Boogeyman, midget wrestlers have always entertained the absolute shit out of me. Yes, I know, I'm sick.

I like to think that Vince and the suits in creative have always used midget wrestlers as a metaphor. This has been all the more apparent in the way that Hornswoggle has been used lately. After JBL threw his ass around the ring awhile back he is rarely, if ever, in a bad situation. He's always crawling his wee little body from under the ring and causing nothing but pure enjoyment and ecstasy for his fans. Some people may even be motivated to buy a t-shirt that bears his likeness…but who the fuck in their right mind would do that?

McMahon, in my opinion, looks at midget wrestlers like he did the WWE when he took over in 1982. He was the small fish in the big pond but had aspirations of making himself into the biggest thing the world has ever seen. Midgets, coincidentally, are always the smallest fish in the pond too. I'm assuming that they've all had aspirations of being big. With a genius like McMahon around the "little people" will always have that glimmer of hope. That opportunity may not come up in the WWE. There's only so much room under that ring. But hey, at least they will always have the option of being hired to walk around parties with a large sombrero on their head full of chips and salsa or start their own band:



Thanks for reading everyone. We'll see you again soon.




Speaking of recurring segments, let's see how my former arch rival is doing with his 411 workload. In this semi-recurring segment, we take a look at the last time Scott Slimmer posted a column at 411Mania. For those of you who do not know my history with Slimmer, allow me to recap. Slimmer and I were hired at the same time (unbeknownst to each other) as Heat recappers. I pissed off Slimmer one week which led to him borrowing ECW promos to attack me. Slimmer and I feuded on and off until CSONKA called us both cocksuckers. Then we united and did nothing of note. Now, I just laugh at the fact that I'm super successful and well, I don't remember the last time he wrote something at 411. Hence the reason for this segment.

Slimmer's Last "Don't Think Twice" – March 17th, 2009
82 Days Ago!

Eighty-two fucking days ago. That's like almost three months without a column! Sure, Slimmer's in the midst of graduating with a phD or a Masters or something, but does writing a thesis really excuse him from his 411 duties? He's a fucking Street Boss for Ashish's sake! Who do I need to blow in order to move up in the 411 ranks? Jeebus.

In all seriousness, I hope we make it to 100 days before Slimmer shows his face around here. That would totally redeem this segment.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Biten' Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite websites:

Raven and Shane Douglas were only signed for the month of TNA tapings and the Slammiversary PPV. The company felt they needed a few older stars to promote the theme of the PPV.

So instead of giving AJ Styles a main event slot in the King of the Mountain match, they would rather him fight Douglas. Even if he beats Douglas, what push does that really give AJ? You'd think that this matchup would lead to a two/three month feud between the two but after reading this news, you wouldn't know. No wonder why people are always down on TNA – it's way too confusing for everyone.

Plus, good luck figuring out the Slammiversary card even after reading the entire month's worth of spoilers.

Samoa Joe is planning on wrestling at Slammiversary even with a torn tricep and broken fingers.

Beat that Triple H! While I give props to Joe for wanting to gut it out, it's much more important for him to take some time off and heal his triceps. I can't imagine performing any wrestling maneuvers with a torn tricep.

Sheik Abdul Bashir's contract with TNA is set to expire this summer.

Well considering that there were many big named TNA superstars' contracts were set to expire this year, they have not lost anyone important yet. I doubt that will change here.




2009 WHAMMY AWARDS

Introducing the first ever SFA WHAMMYs!!! The WHAMMY Awards celebrate what is usually overlooked in the sports entertainment. And the best part is – unlike Cyber Sunday, your vote actually matters.

That's right! For the next two weeks, all Smallophiles are allowed to vote for the following categories. There are two ways to vote – if you are a private person, feel free to email me your votes. If you want to start a discussion with fellow Smallophiles, feel free to post your votes below in the Comments Section. One rule only: in order for your votes to count, you must vote for EVERY category. Yup, it's that easy.

In two weeks, I will announce the WHAMMY winners! Let's take a look at the categories:

The Steve Blackman "How in the Hell is this guy getting a push" WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Ricky Ortiz
Mike Knox
CM Punk

The Chyna "I look better with my clothes on" WHAMMY
The nominees are:
William Regal
Matt Striker
Mae Young

The Candice Michelle "Look he/she's improving very slightly so let's give him/her a serious push" WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Maryse
Dolph Ziggler
Kelly Kelly

The D'lo Brown "Holding a Black Man Down" WHAMMY
The nominees are:
R-Truth
Cody Rhodes
Ezekiel Jackson

The Great Khali "Future Small Man Crush" WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Vladimir Kozlov
Chris Masters
Festus

The Billy Gunn "I Look Better in Women's Clothing" WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Santino Marella
Vickie Guerrero
Jeff Small

The Ken Kennedy "Mr. Glass" WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Batista
Randy Orton
Ken Kennedy

The "Oh Yeah I Totally Forgot about TNA like Usual" WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Jeff Small
George W Bush
Rosa Parks

Remember voting ends Friday June 19th!!! Vote or die, bitches.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Here's hoping you enjoyed the first (and possibly last) FILLER-FOR-ALL NEWS REPORT. Tune in next week when things go back to normal. Until then, go check out the Hangover as it's hilarious!

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!