The Tuesday Steve-For-All News Report 06.30.09

Aloha Smallophiles! I’m Steve Cook, filling in for young Jeffrey Small. Now, Jeff claims that he’s occupied with travel issues and things of that nature, but I had my people do some research in 411 Towers and they got their hands on his contract. Apparently there’s a provision in his contract that allows him one week of vacation for every five weeks of columns he does. It sounded like a pretty nice deal until my people showed me Scott Slimmer’s contract, which allows him almost one hundred days of vacation for every one column he submits.

But enough about office politics. I’d like to start off this week by doing my part for equality. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge Patrick Swayze fan, but there’s always been something about the feedback section of this column that bothers me…why does it always have to be a “male” bag? So, in the spirit of equality, and as a call back to the last time I filled in for Mr. Small…

SHANDI!!

Any and all feedback comes from last week’s Impact recap. First, let’s clear up some of the mistakes I made.

-Velvet Sky & Madison Rayne were present during the Beautiful People promo, Angelina Love was nowhere to be seen.
-I messed up James Storm’s line where he said that Booker & Steiner were like regular Neils & Bobs, and told them to kneel down and bob on their bottles.
-I didn’t mention Scott Steiner cracking on Brother Ray’s lack of abs, which was funny stuff.

MEM stuff

I could definitely see Angle, Morgan and Joe forming their own faction separate from the rest of the Mafia. Besides, Nash and Steiner need to retire. Booker can still go, but I’d rather see him on his own. – Dubhagan

I don’t know man, I think Nash & Steiner are more useful in TNA than they have been in years. Nash’s part of the show ending promo was good stuff, and Steiner’s always good for at least one “LOL” moment a promo. Wrestling seems to be pretty secondary for TNA at this point, so their limitations in the ring don’t bother me. I do wish Booker T would decide on a voice.

I’m surprised they didn’t do this with the MEM storyline a long time ago. Never felt Sting belonged there anyway. I guess they didn’t want to try this when the 1.3’s started coming in for fear the ratings might drop. I don’t know.

As long as this ends with the destruction of the MEM in the next few months, I’m okay with this. People are calling for A.J. to be champ, but I’m not sold on that being very entertaining. I can see it happening though.

Maybe Mick Foley will join the MEM next, and the Frontline will have A.J., Jarrett, Daniels, Beer Money, 3D and Lethal. I can see Steiner/Booker and Nash ending up with the other belts before things start to turn around when Sting joins the Frontline to save the day.

Honestly, when they started to step away from the MEM as the dominant force, things started to get interesting. I’m not so sure this will go over well ratings-wise, but we’ll see. From where they are now, it won’t be hard to end this story, fortunately.

I expected the possibility of another Joe swerve until the A.J. beatdown. I liked the idea of him helping Angle so he can beat him for the belt and break up th MEM. Though I saw Angle winning the belt a mile away, I did not see this story line turn coming with Joe.

We’ll see how things go from here. I’m hoping for the best. – Guy Incognito

I think the Frontline is something they’ve given up on, when was the last time you saw one of their t-shirts? Joe joining the MEM gave me bad flashbacks of when Monty Brown joined Planet Jarrett at first, but they did a good job of building him up on Thursday. Nash was especially good with that, telling Sting how they had to get Joe in the fold because he was beating the crap out of them. I would be more than pleased with Styles being the one to take the belt from Angle, but unfortunately his strength is in-ring stuff and he’s 50/50 at best with promos and other out of ring stuff. He’s gotten a lot better over the years, but he’s got a long way to go. I think we’ll see something along the lines of what Dubhagen suggested, with Angle using Joe & Morgan as enforcers, but you’ll still see Booker, Steiner & Nash hanging on for the ride because that’s what their characters want to do. Maybe Sting will be able to appeal to Nash, I don’t know.

Angle’s hair

When did Chavo Guerrero become TNA Champ? – Vito J

From what I hear, Angle’s grown out the hair for a movie role, where he would be playing a Russian MMA fighter. Kurt Angle a Russian? I never thought I’d see the day. I kinda like Angle’s new look though, he’s been Mr. Clean for so long that the hair freshens him up a little bit.

Somebody explain this gimmick to me

I don’t get why Booker T (Huffman) would let Sting (Borden) talk to him like that. Also, when is Scott Steiner (Rechsteiner) going to bring up to Nash (Nash) that he was in the nWo, too? Maybe they can get Hogan (Bollea) to show up and reunite the band. – Stupidus

Yeah…when did this start? I saw this sort of thing in a couple of the news threads and I have no idea where it came from. At least the “one shot deal” thing had something behind it.

Reader Discontent

This show didn’t stink. Your review did. If it takes a drink or seven to get through the show and/or to write your review, you shouldn’t be writing for this site. – Hiro

Wow, a guest telling me who should be writing for this site. I think I’ll take Csonka or Ashish’s word over who should be writing for this site before I ask Hiro. Speaking of which, 411Wrestling is hiring new writers! So if Hiro or anybody else thinks they can do a better job, they can go ahead and submit an example to Mr. Csonka.

The T in TNA

And btw, real tits (B, C, D)> fake tits (D) that akward space in the middle makes me hard, but not as hard as natural tities – Guest#2459

I don’t think there’s a reason for a woman to get breast implants unless they’re going to be on television. Or stripping. Other than that…who are they trying to impress? Honestly, us guys are sooooo easy. Real, fake, it doesn’t really matter as long as something’s there. In fact, most of the girls I fall for are so skinny that there’s not much there, but enough to get by with.

Well, there goes my credentials as a feminist.

Are you ready?

I SAID, ARRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU READYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Then, for the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching all over the world…

Ladies and gentlemen…

LLLLLLLLLLLET’S GET READY TO WHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Anybody who knows where Shandi is these days can feel free to leave a comment. My daily routine hasn’t been the same since GSN took Lingo out of the 7 PM time slot. Bastards!

WWE News

We start this section of the column with the week’s top story…

Hi Everyone,

I hope all of you are doing well! I am writing to address the situation in which WWE is looking for a Female Ring Announcer/Singer. The truth of the matter is that they are looking for someone new because I have given them my notice that I will be leaving at the end of my contract this year. It is with a heavy heart that I have made this decision because WWE has been my family from day one and you, the WWE Universe have always been incredible to me. The fact is that I am getting married later this year and have decided to enter into a new phase of my life but I will truly miss all of you and the WWE tremendously.

Love you all & keep rockin!

Forever Rockin’,
Lilian 🙂

Indeed, Lilian Garcia is moving on from WWE, which is why they placed an ad for another 20-30 year old female that can sing and ring announce. It wasn’t because she mixed up the Intercontinental & US titles a few weeks ago…Vince McMahon was too busy yelling in Michael Cole’s earpiece to notice that. Garcia has done the ring announcing duties for Raw since August 1999, which means she’s been the ring announcer for Raw longer than Howard Finkel. Somewhere, Mathew Sforcina is crying and still trying to figure out how to spell “Finkel”.

You know what disturbs me? I went to Wikipedia in an attempt to refresh my memory on Garcia’s career, and I found the following passage on a particular event…

“Lilian announced the winner as “Miss Kitty”, which infuriated The Kat, who threw Lilian into the pool of pudding. During the incident, Lilian’s skirt flew up and her black nylon Hanes panties were clearly visible. She was removed as ring announcer for the rest of the night.”

How in the world did this Wikiauthor know that they were Hanes? How long did he have his VCR on pause so he could analyze Lilian’s panties and figure out that they were in fact Hanes brand? Am I the only one who finds this troubling? No wonder she wants to get out of the business.

I have to admit that all of this talk of her getting married disappoints me. I remember when the hot rumor on the Internet was that Trish Stratus & her were lovers. Man, that would have been hot. But alas, it wasn’t to be.

In other WWE news, two PPV names are changing. No Mercy will now be called Hell in a Cell (gee, I wonder what kind of match will main event that one?), and Cyber Sunday will be known as Annihilation. It’s too bad WWE took that name first, because I would have loved to see Affliction Annihilation.

WWE is targeting India as their next place for expansion, according to Andrew Whitaker of WWE International. As most of you know, India has a faster growing population than any other country in the world, and in fact will probably pass China in population by 2050. So from that perspective, it’s a good idea to appeal to the Indian fanbase. On the flip side, WWE’s tour of India in 2002 is considered by most within the company to be the worst tour of the decade, with several wrestlers getting sick and William Regal almost having his career ended by a virus he picked up there. If you’ll recall, he had to vacate half of the tag team championship due to his illness and didn’t return until it was time to baby-sit Eugene. So it’s kind of a pickle when you think about it. Hopefully their next tour there will be more sanitary. Or maybe they could just have a small show with Great Khali & Kane main eventing.

Whitaker also had an interesting comment concerning TNA…when asked if they considered TNA competition, he said that TNA is pro wrestling, and WWE is entertainment. Could somebody phone TNA Creative and tell them that they work for a pro wrestling company? Seriously though, I’ve never understood why WWE is so against being referred to as a pro wrestling company. I mean, they could either be the most well-known and respected wrestling company, or one of the least respected entertainment companies. Where’s the downside of hitching the wagon to wrestling?

Muscle Flex is suing WWE for copyright infringement. They claim that WWE’s “Raw” infringes on their “In the Raw” brand that they’re trying to establish. Now, I couldn’t find any record of when they established this In the Raw stuff, but WWE started using the term Raw as part of Monday Night Raw back in 1993. Unless Muscle Flex was doing this In the Raw stuff back then, I don’t see how they have a case. Apparently they did win a case in Canada, which just leads me to ask “What the hell are you thinking, Canada?”. Maybe they’re still bitter about the Montreal Screwjob.

MVP appeared at the BET awards with Sherri Shepherd. I suppose this is news, though I hate reporting on peoples’ romantic lives. That’s definitely more of a Small thing, hopefully he’ll fill you in next week.

Hey, let’s talk about some WWE Creative gossip! Apparently they’re searching for some new writers, which involved Stephanie McMahon telling Brian Gerwitz to reach out to anybody he knew from MTV. Just what we need, the creative minds behind “Pimp My Ride”.

In case you were wondering who’s writing CM Punk’s promos these days, it’s Michael Hayes. I wonder if that will lower or improve the opinion of Punk’s promos in peoples’ eyes.

I’m sure you all heard awhile back that the creative team was open to ideas from the lower upper mid card people in the company. Well, that doesn’t seem to have gone so well. Apparently somebody was allowed to wear a non-WWE shirt with their own likeness on it, but that’s the only idea that has been accepted that wasn’t from a tippy-top guy.

Here’s some roster updates! Eubanks will be happy to know that Jim Duggan is not actually a part of the active roster, but is serving as an ambassador of sorts. Curt Hawkins and DJ Gabriel are both in FCW, as is Ezekiel Jackson. So, for those of you who were wondering where all those superstars were…there you go.

-Ah, nothing like opening a show with Mr. McMahon. Yes, that’s sarcasm. Apparently he’s still abiding by the rules Donald Trump set last week, which makes no sense at all but what the hell. And Trump made a trade last week, which also stands and I guess we’ll find out about that later. He introduces Batista as the special guest host for Raw, who hardly qualifies as a celebrity. On the bright side, Batista is better at setting up tonight’s card than Vickie Guerrero was. Randy Orton and his clones take offense to Batista coming back, but they need pants before I can take them seriously. Batista books Orton in a gauntlet match with some new Raw talent for shits and giggles. Batista gives the thumbs down, which looks a lot cooler before he does a Batista Bomb.

-Triple H vs. MVP is your first match. Poor MVP. Wow, he got a huge pop. By that, I mean he got no pop at all. Boy, that View crossover publicity is sure doing wonders for him. Wow, H broke that figure 4 like it was nothing. When did that move ever win matches? I do have to admit that H is over with this crowd, even though I couldn’t be less interested in him. And the Pedigree is a better finisher than the Playmaker, so he deserves to win.

-I approve of Chris Jericho & Edge being on all WWE shows as tag team champions. Even if I am a hypocrite, I still enjoy Jericho’s work, and Edge is good people too. Their disgust with Raw warms the cockles of my heart. The Colons make them look foolish before the commercial, and that concerns me. Some really good near-falls here. Wow, either Carlito completely fucked up his springboard move or they planned it like that. Oh, Primo was sent into the ropes to mess it up. Good match right there. Primo needs more hair like his brother.

-Am I the only one who has problems telling Cody & Ted apart in backstage segments? After that fun, we get a video about Cena vs. Miz, which I assumed they showed last night instead of letting the match last longer than five minutes. It is quite the video, to be fair. And when did Cena put his life on the line in the Hammerstein Ballroom? ECW fans are crazy, but they’re not that crazy. Did they finally cancel The Real World?

-Am I the only one who somewhat gets creeped out when Lawler talks about how quickly guys come back from surgery? Miz & Cena are actually having a pretty darn good match here, which I’m sure pisses off the suckers who paid 40 bucks to watch them Sunday night. Yes, they had the match on Raw that people wanted to see at WWE The Bash, which ranks among the worst PPV names ever. Honestly, this match was worlds better than anything I was expecting out of this matchup, you gotta check it out if you missed it. Next week you get Cena vs. HHH, which at least isn’t as worn out as HHH vs. Orton is.

-Ah, the Macho Man DVD. I remember when I wrote Ask 411 Wrestling and people asked me about Savage & Vince every week. Good times.

-Thank God I got out of the “Am I the only one” phase. I was like Bill Simmons there for a little bit. Then again, it wouldn’t be bad to be like him and get paid for thousands of words of pop culture jokes and NBA talk.

-Hey, the Million Dollar Man will be guest hosting Raw next week! I’ll be tuning in for that.

-Of course Batista would book a foursome with the Divas. Oh wait, he’s not involved? Well, I’m confused. Maybe he gets off on just watching, I don’t know. I do know that a great number of the commenters of this website like the Diva matches for reasons that kind of escape me. For example, there was a match on Superstars between Layla & Eve recently that I thought was godawful, and even provoked one of my bartenders to ask what the hell they were doing. Usually people can recognize wrestling matches even if they don’t like them. This match was better than that one, in that it looked like a wrestling match. God, Mickie’s gonna kill somebody with that DDT one of these days.

-Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston? Who did Kofi piss off? Apparently WWE is headed to New Zealand this weekend, which reminds me that I wanted to do a joke with Stephen Randle and sheep but couldn’t quite work it into the rest of the column. Whoops. I’m sorry, I just don’t buy Kofi getting any offense on this guy, which is saying something since I’ve seen Eddie Guerrero, Jeff Hardy, Rey Mysterio & Floyd Mayweather get offense on Big Show. Ah, the lame countout finish. Tremendous!

-New Raw people face Orton now! Evan Bourne is first, and while I love Evan Bourne/Matt Sydal like a brother from a different mother than I ate wings with once in Northern Kentucky, I don’t like his chances. Actually, considering Orton’s the WWE Champion he got a lot more offense than I would have guessed. RKO off the top rope finishes him off. Pretty sweet. Bourne > all of you.

-Jack Swagger! Too bad he still does that dumb crap during his entrance. Well, after a brief flurry of offense, Swagger has opted to get counted out. Interesting. He’s always liked and respected Orton, and shakes his hand and leaves. Well, Orton could use some competent backup.

-Mark Henry! I wonder if he likes and respects Orton. He does! But not enough to get counted out, though he teases it for a few seconds. That Mizark, such a kidder. Orton begs and pleads, but Henry will hear none of it. Boy, if they wanted to, they could make something out of Henry here. He’s getting quite the pop! And he beats Orton! Holy mackrel! I doubt anybody saw this one coming when the show started, but I like it! I’m kinda thinking this Henry as a babyface challenger thing could be interesting. It’s something new and different, that’s for sure. And if any brand could use new and different things, it’s this one. I haven’t been thrilled with Raw lately, but this was a really solid show with good matches and interesting developments.

Here’s the result of the trade, in case you were wondering:

Raw: Evan Bourne, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, Alicia Fox, Gail Kim

Smackdown: Matt Hardy, Finlay, the Hart Dynasty

ECW: Shelton Benjamin, Goldust, William Regal, the Bella Twins

I like it. Raw gets three solid hands, one outstanding Diva wrestler and a random chick, Smackdown gets the other Hardy brother to continue that feud, three good young talents and a veteran of the ring, and ECW gets an outstanding athlete, two veterans and some hot twins. Nobody really loses anything, well, ECW loses a bit but they’re the C show, what do you expect? Raw & Smackdown both lose nothing but stand to gain a lot on paper. Good job, Mr. Trump!

TNA News

Sheik Abdul Bashir has signed a three year contract with TNA. Yes, I led off with that. It’s been a slow news week for TNA, what can I say? WWE did have some interest in brining him back, which I guess means they didn’t hold Muhammad Hassan against him.

Dixie Carter had an interview on TNA’s website where she said nothing that you wouldn’t already know. I would still like to listen to her say nothing that I don’t already know over a candle light dinner one of these days. What?

It seems that Shane Douglas is done with the company, and he’s so done that he didn’t show up at the Legends of the Arena show held over the weekend.

And it seems that’s all our TNA news this week. Boourns!

Other Wrestling News

Brian “Grandmaster Sexay”Lawler was arrested over the weekend for public intoxication. He was sentenced to thirty days of rehab and a fifty dollar fine. As he was in Tennessee at the time, I don’t know how he didn’t just get out of it because he’s Jerry Lawler’s son. He must have been in SMW country.

“Superstar” Billy Graham was hospitalized last week due to numbness in his legs, which was apparently due to two discs in his lower back fusing on their own with the obliteration of a disc separating them. Jeez, usually when I feel numbness in my legs it’s due to drinking a few too many Bud Selects.

Bobby Lashley is now 4-0 in mixed martial arts, as he scored a victory over Bob Sapp Saturday night in Biloxi, Mississippi. Lashley wasn’t the only fighter to have a connection to pro wrestling in the fight, as Sapp was a WCW developmental wrestler when the company was bought in 2001, and he won New Japan Pro Wrestling’s IWGP title in 2004. I’m sure that won’t stop most of the readers from bitching about there being MMA news in their wrestling report.

Finally, Mr. Kennedy (…Kennedy) will be making his first official post-WWE appearance at the WWC Anniversario event in Puerto Rico.

Plugs!

Hidden Highlights has been around for 200 issues. Congrats to my boy JP, and my other boy JT, who was around for the first 30 or so of them.

Clark will not die. Unlike Domingo, who seems to have disappeared.

We have a CHIKARA column now? Awesome! CHIKARA is my favorite promotion I can’t watch regularly because a certain video company charges way too much and never has sales. Boooo.

Speaking of the indies, 411Mania recently held its Third Annual Independent Draft. I don’t know why Ari won’t invite me to participate…maybe he’s still mad over the Death Rey thing.

Mike Campbell reviews early WCW stuff, and I love early WCW stuff for reasons I really can’t explain. Damn it, when will they have the WCW reunion shows? And if I hear anybody say “At the Impact tapings every month”, everybody dies!

Martinez compares John Morrison to Shawn Michaels. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of people being called the next whoever. There isn’t going to be a next Michael Jordan, a next Shawn Michaels or a next whoever the hell else you want to throw out there. OK, there was a next Buddy Rogers, and his name was Ric Flair. Ooooooooooooooooh, yeah, I went there.

Allow me to plug some other columns that will be appearing today…I consider Geoff Eubanks & Chris Lansdell to be close personal e-buddies of mine, and I’m sure they’d appreciate you clicking on their articles today. And I think there’s some R column also getting posted today, even though their new Superstars reporter didn’t know he was starting last week and instead watched his boys from U of L Terrence Williams & Earl Clark get picked in the NBA Draft. Two picks in the lottery…suck on that, UK fans.

Well, that’s all for this week! Small will be back next week, and I’ll be back on this site sooner than some of you would like to think. Until then, Mahalo.