The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 07.07.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 07.07.2009

Love Triangles, Injuries, Commitment Issues, Greed, Higher Callings, Marijuana, Obesity, Raw Thoughts, and the Final Slimmer Watch!

Stay Tuned to Your Coming Attractions

Wednesday: The Happy-Go-Sucky News Report
Thursday: The Hamilton Ave Journal
Friday: The MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks
Saturday: Squidbillies

Coming in two weeks:



No that picture is not leading anywhere. I initially tried to open today's news report with a ploy synopsis of the above poster but honestly, the only person who got a chuckle out of what I wrote was myself. Then again, if characters named Pethro, humping dogs, robot testicles, and a bizarre love triangle featuring Elizabeth Berkley are your thing then perhaps you would have liked it too. (Yes I enjoyed Transformers 2.) So why did I even include the above picture? Cause it looks like Mr. Kennedy is giving Nicholas Cage a job of some sort. With his broken hand! Ha, I kill myself sometimes.

*Groan*

Just be happy I'm back.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Ninja Dog Returns Below!

Yes, Yes!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to another half-man half-Caucasian edition of the Small-For-All News Report. After last week's last minute absence, I have returned to satisfy your needs in the form of witty banter, silly pictures, and most importantly, today marks the finale of the Slimmer Watch!

But before I start, I must give my kudos to one Steve Cook for filling in for me last week. Longtime 411 readers might remember that Cook used to write news reports – in fact, his move to Thursdays three and a half years ago gave me a chance to unleash the Small-For-All on 411. Nowadays between his battles with alcoholism and his love affair with Penguin, Cook's main 411duty is to fill-in when needed. I always enjoy when Cook fills in for the Small-For-All and loved it last week when he finally decided to use my format! You know, if this were a karate movie, Cook would have committed Seppuku rather than help the rookie who replaced him. But thankfully, this is just America and we've already hit our death quotient for this month.


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Tearin' Up My Heart When I'm With You

Two bigtime injuries in the WWE last week – first Matt Hardy recently suffered a torn abdominal muscle that will keep him out of the ring for 8 to 10 weeks. Then Edge suffered a tear in his Achilles heel this past weekend at a house show which might keep him out of action for over a year!

It seems as there are always injuries in the WWE around this time of the year. In July 2007, Edge tore his pectoral muscle during a segment with Kane. Last year, Ashley Massaro had to take time off to deal with her sick child (or something). And now we have this whopper this year.

In the case of Matt Hardy, this injury actually benefits him. Hardy went from an upper card feud with his brother (in which he won the WrestleMania match) to jobbing to MVP and Kofi Kingston on Raw. While Hardy did his valiant best to wrestle with a broken hand, he could not overcome the heat sapping abyss known as Raw. Thankfully when Hardy returns after SummerSlam, he can come back refreshed and with a new start on Smackdown. Either that or a feud with R-Truth. What's up?

As for Edge, this injury cannot come at a worse time. While Edge was taking a brief sabbatical from the main event picture (to allow Punk to complete his heel turn), he (along with Chris Jericho) was being used to bring some better matches to Raw. Now with this injury, the WWE will have to hotshot the tag team titles (unless a Jack Swagger/Jericho team forms) back to Legacy while Edge sits out for the remainder of 2009. What makes matters even worse was that there was a slim chance that Edge would have turned face at some point this year. That would have led to potentially awesome feuds with Jericho and Punk.

Now while we should continue to mourn the loss of Edge's heel, there is a glimmer of hope. Edge's injury opens up another main event spot on Smackdown. Now someone like Dolph Ziggler or Mike Knox or Christian can have a chance to step up. Nah, fuck that, Kane hasn't received a push in a year! Hooray!

Commitment Issues

During an interview with Spain's Four Network, Jeff Hardy stated that he still does not know if he will re-sign with the E when his contract expires at the end of the month. From the article, "The grappling star said: "I don't know - I am 31 years old now and I don't like making plans for the future.

"I can wrestle until I am 40 but I don't want to make plans, I don't like thinking about what could happen between now and the next five years."

You know, I'd think most wrestlers that overcame all obstacles to win a World Heavyweight Championship would almost immediately re-up with the WWE. However, Jeff Hardy is not most wrestlers. I honestly have no idea what Hardy will do. The selfish side of me would like to see him re-sign since he is a valuable member of the Smackdown crew. That and he's the closest thing to a modern day Ultimate Warrior.

We Don't Need No Recession

Hey kids. Do your parents have extra money that has yet to be spent on beer? Did you mom promise you a bike last year but unfortunately backed out of it? Has your father ever told you that you were his favorite even though you know he's lying?

Well if this is the case, then it's time for you to spend your parent's money!!! On what? Well, on the WWE silly. With the "Hot Deals" that the WWE has planned for you, it would be quite the investment. Case in point:

From Multichannel News, purchase Night of Champions and Summerslam on PPV and receive a watch that looks like the WWE Spinner Belt!

Sure, that sounds like a great deal, but I have one better.

For the low, low cost of $1,895, you can go to WrestleMania 26! Yes for two grand, you can sit in one of the commemorative seats (I have no idea how to get that past airport security), attend both the Hall of Fame and Access, and have three nights at the sweet Arizona Biltmore Hotel (they even have a spa).

Wow, what a deal!

(In all seriousness, I think their Silver package for four people (at $500 a pop) is a very good deal – except for the whole four people sharing a "standard" size room like a group of illegal Mexicans (good thing Sergio will be in attendance)!


Formerly known as Biten' Newsbites.

Stolen from all of your favorite sources:

WWE officials has lightened up in regards to marijuana. While the $1,000 fine is still there, most believe that the political ramifications have fallen by the way side.

You, of course, know what that means… it's back!



According to a press release from the Bell Centre stadium, every match at WWE Breaking Point will be a submissions match.

I'm not sure what pisses me off more – the fact that we will witness another 30 minute John Cena vs. Big Show match or that no other PPV starts off with "WWE". Is this going to be the return of In Your House?

Rumor has it that one top name WWE superstar might have failed a drug test and gotten away with it.

Spoiler:



Sarah Palin has resigned as Alaska governor in part of following a Higher Calling.

I really, really, hope Vince McMahon has nothing to do with this. Because nothing good came out of it the first time the Higher Power appeared.

From WWE's Industry News: Kelly Kelly causes a stir Down Under.

Heh.

Last week on Raw, Mark Henry turned face. You must be fucking kidding with me. Really? Mark Henry turned face? Did he have sex with a transvestite again?

The Million Dollar Man is guest host? Didn't Trump quit? God, when did this show become fucking 24?

Ted Dibiase Sr is making an Impact! OMG TAZZ RETURNS!

Legacy vs. Jericho & Edge at Night of Champions. Eh. Ted Dibiase vs. Randy Orton. Double Eh. Mark Henry vs. Cody Rhodes. Oh Hell Eh.

Primo got knocked the fuck out. Like JBL after hating on Joey Styles.

And here's the heel turn everybody was not waiting for! Okay seriously why would Carlito turn on his brother now when there's no chance for him to make it on the Night of Champions PPV (since neither man is a champion)? He would have to wait until Summerslam (like eight weeks away) in order to get a higher payday. By that time a Carlito vs. Primo feud would be exhausted. Poor planning on Carlito's part?

Am I the only one who thinks like that?

While I'm happy that Gail Kim gets to now play second-mate to Mickie James and not Melina anymore, it's sad that the amount of Kelly Kelly will now be reduced each week.

Damn, now Gail Kim is pinning the Diva's Champ. This does not bode well for Mickie James in a few weeks.

Is Raw taped this week? Because there's no way that Mark Henry is receiving face pops! Seriously, I take one week off of wrestling and I'm more confused than ever.

Woah, Ted Dibiase kicked out of the second rope DDT. I'm impressed even though Dibiase ain't winning this match. Orton needs to win now because you know he's not getting another victory until his feuds with HHH and Cena are over.

Even though he lost, Dibiase looked a hell of a lot better than Cody Rhodes did. I guess we know who's the next chosen one.

Oh man, MVP and Sherri Shepherd together again! If only I knew who the hell the people the WWE were talking to. I mean, I thought I knew black people (see below pic) but I guess I don't. Sad.


Homey didn't play that!

Oh shit, whitey didn't say that about MVP. He gonna get shanked.

In all seriousness, good promo by MVP. Meshing his real life situation into something positive is definitely the right step for the MVP character. Now if only he can win a feud.

What did five fingers say to the face? I'm Ted Dibiase, dad!

Another shocking development – US Champ Kofi Kingston getting squashed by Evan Bourne! Thankfully, all is right in the world as it's time for the Big Show to mutilate a couple of midgets.

I'm a tad surprised that the WWE hasn't hyped the main event throughout the show. Considering this is a WrestleMania rematch, you'd think that there would be hype videos getting us ready for this one.

Sleeper reversals! Shades of WWE Breaking Point!

Woah, no surprise here – a double DQ caused by Legacy. Are we segueing from a WrestleMania 22 main event to a WrestleMania 24? Why yes we are!

I hate when 20 minute main events have such a predictable ending. Just have Cena and Triple H go balls out for five minutes and then cue the overbooking. This just wasted a quality match and Cena/HHH III for only storyline advancement.

Overall, Raw wasn't bad; in fact, it was much improved over the last few months. While I am totally not digging the Night of Champions PPV (I don't care for the concept (too many matches)), at least the build has been solid. Here's hoping Raw can continue to pick up momentum as we are only one month away from SummerSlam!




In the final Slimmer Watch, let's see how my former arch rival is doing with his 411 workload.

Slimmer's Last "Don't Think Twice" – March 17th, 2009
110 Days Ago!

Yes we hit the 100 day mark! Cue the balloons and Yurple the clown.

Normally at this time, I bitch and moan about my lack of respect on the 411 page. For the last year, Slimmer has been a Street Boss even though he hasn't done shit in forever. While Slimmer's out writing thesis and graduating with a phD, I'm doing hard work completing my Small-For-Alls. And where did that get me? Nowhere up until last week, when I was promoted to a Street Boss. Now I'm the Boss. And Hell, Slimmer ain't even on my level. The only way to get to my level is with a space shuttle or a ladder that's forever. And Slimmer does not have either of those – just some really nice looking pieces of paper.

So with that I bid adieu to the Slimmer Watch. While it was not the most popular Small-For-All recurring segment, I enjoyed it. But fear not Smallophiles for I have a new segment on the way. One that features your favorite Small-For-All character! That's right –



NINJA DOG RETURNS IN TWO WEEKS!!!


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN



Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Super Crazy will work a TNA event in August.

I'm just hoping that Crazy has lost some of that weight he put on during his final few months in the WWE. Dude could barely do a moonsault by the time he was released. If Crazy shows up in his vintage form, I could definitely see TNA offer him a spot on their roster. Hell, it's TNA, even if he shows up bloated with cankles and unable to move, he would still get a main event push!

In regards to roster changes, Sheik Abdul Bashir is back, Rudy Charles, Shane Douglas, Jacqueline, Raven, and No Limit are gone.

While there were rumors that Bashir was going back to Stamford, he's a much better fit in TNA. As for the departed, no big losses. Though you have to wonder whether it was worth it to feature both Douglas and Raven in matches at Slammiversary when neither man was expected to last over a month. But that's TNA for ya.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Lots of fun coming soon – the Swayze Malebag returns next week, Ninja Dog makes an appearance in two, and we might even have a Kegger of Konsequences before the end of the month. You got that, Kegger? Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!