411Mania Saturday Morning's Main Event! 07.11.09

Posted by Steve Cook on 07.11.2009

Lawler for Mayor? Jericho vs. Miz? Kevin Nash needs a woman? There's all sorts of crazy stuff this week, maybe that's why all the regular news peeps are taking the week off.



Good morning everybody, and welcome to 411Mania Saturday Morning's Main Event! I'm Steve Cook, filling in for Dustin James who will be back with his Squared Circle News Report next week. It's been a pretty quiet news week, with WWE out of the country, TNA in their usual lull between PPV & TV tapings and ROH chillaxing until heading up to the T-Dot, but there are some interesting stories out there to talk about. It's the weekend, dawg! Lay back, relax and enjoy some ‘rasslin news.

Oh, you had to know I'd lead off with something political…

Jerry Lawler is running for Mayor of Memphis once again. You might recall that he was unsuccessful in the Bluff City's 1999 mayoral election, but opportunity has knocked again in the form of Mayor Willie Herenton's resignation from office. Experts seem to think Lawler's chances are slim, but one never knows. From the Home Office in Edgewood, Kentucky, the Top 10 Things That Will Likely Happen if Jerry Lawler is Elected Mayor of Memphis…

10. Burger King's "Whopper Wednesday" prices will be extended to the other six days of the week.
9. Illegal use of foreign objects such as chairs, chains and fireballs in crime will go up 20%.
8. New vice-mayor? Lance Russell.
7. Top-selling t-shirt in Memphis will say "My Mayor Can Beat Up Your Mayor".
6. Doug Gilbert will be banned from Memphis. Why? Well…



5. City council meetings will be held every Monday at the Mid-South Coliseum.
4. Elections? You don't have elections to determine Kings.
3. Bars and restaurants will only be allowed to serve Coca-Cola.
2. A new "Miss Teen Memphis" will be crowned every week.
1. After decades of controversy, the piledriver will finally be legalized.

Lawler has said that if he were to win the election, he realizes that he would no longer have the time to be the color commentator for WWE Raw. This reminds me, I need to yell at Sforcina for something he said in yesterday's news column. Allow me to quote…


Now, you could argue that one night a week is not that big a deal, he could do both, but again, just suppose he has to leave the desk for a bit. What happens?

Right now, the #2 Color guy in WWE is Jim Ross of all people. Unlike Play By Play guys that WWE seems to have a machine to spit out (That order is easy. Cole-Grisham-Matthews-Korpela, who is their waiting in the wings guy), Color guys in WWE are a bit rarer. So say you bump JR over to Raw and promote Striker to SD (although personally I'd just have him go to Raw direct but that's not gonna happen), who works with Matthews on ECW?

I don't see WWE bringing in anyone from outside, not to ECW. So anyone who can talk on the Indies is out, as are any legends not really signed on (Piper would be pretty cool…). Styles won't do it, and WWE doesn't really have anyone in an Agent role who could slide in… Except one. WWE has an agent on staff who has experience at Color, and is the logical choice to take over, given that he's working with Matthews every week anyway.

Dusty Rhodes.

If that thought scares you, then move to Memphis and vote against Lawler.

I'll say that again: Lawler winning the Mayorship will directly lead to Dusty Rhodes on weekly commentary. Is this what you want?

ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY THAT'S WHAT I WANT!

Come on, you all know this would be incredible. Surely you all remember Dusty on commentary in WCW, right? Words like "clubberin" became part of the wrestling dictionary, we learned phrases like "goin' to the pay windah", WCW Saturday Night was "the mothaship", and Dusty would go crazy at the drop of a hat for just about anything. Who could forget the time Kevin Sullivan & Chris Benoit were fighting in a bathroom and Dusty spotted something…

"THERE'S A LADY! THERE'S A LADY IN THE MEN'S ROOM!"

Dusty on commentary = greatest thing ever. Hell, he might even make Michael Cole entertaining. I saw a show recently where a drunken Tazz did such a thing…why not the bull ‘oftha woods?

We need this to happen. Come on Memphis, vote for the King…if yew weel.

Cena's off the market!

Bad news for you ladies out there…John Cena is getting married today in Boston, Massachusetts. While I have no information on who the lucky lady is, inside sources are telling me that her name rhymes with "Quephen Sandal". And yes, that sort of thing would be legal in Massachusetts.

Actually, we don't know the name of the woman as of the deadline for this column, but apparently it's the girl that Cena dated through high school. OK…multi-time WWE champion, somewhat of a movie career, and the guy gets his high school sweetheart? Who wouldn't want to be John Cena? Damn, now I'm depressed.

Then again, my high school sweetheart was a bitch.

Nash is on the market!

Words really can't do this justice, so I'm just gonna cut and paste.

Kevin Nash Launches WORLDWIDE Search For First-Ever Female Valet

Kevin Nash has announced that he is formally launching the "Big Sexy World Tour" search for his first-ever female valet.

The lucky winner will receive an all-expenses-paid trip to the Final Resolution Pay-Per-View from Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling, scheduled for Dec. 20, in Orlando, Fla. The winner will accompany Nash to the ring for his match that night, which will air worldwide exclusively on Pay-Per-View.

"In 20 years as a pro wrestler, I never have had a full-time valet, so this truly is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for some lucky winner to be treated like a queen … at least for one day," said Nash, who made his pro wrestling debut in 1990 and has been a World Heavyweight Champion on multiple occasions in numerous federations.

"For the Big Sexy World Tour search, I encourage all MILFs and Cougars to apply, not just the 20-year-olds in bikinis. In fact, if you don't know anything about a Quinn Martin Production, your chances of being chosen are very limited.

"I am not looking for Miss Right, but rather, Miss Right Now."

Nash will kick off the Big Sexy World Tour search in early August with multiple appearances in California.

Anyone interested in applying to be Nash's valet for a night must email a photo of themselves with an explanation of why they are deserving of the crown (no more than 50 words). No prior experience necessary. Complete application information is below.

"The name of the company is TNA Wrestling. Of course everyone knows what TNA really means, and the Big Sexy World Tour search truly will bring that to life," Nash said.

"Enter today because you could be the winner … and the ultimate holiday present to me."

TO ENTER:
1. Select a photo (no larger than 500k please)
2. Name:
3. Age (as of July 9, 2009):
4. Address:
5. Phone number:
6. Email:
7. Essay on why they should be selected. Essay can be NO MORE THAN 50 words:

Email this info to [e-mail]
Deadline for entry is October 1

So in other words, Nash needs a holiday hookup? Well, if any of you ladies are looking for a replacement for John Cena, perhaps somebody with more experience might be what you're looking for…



OK, that might be the most disturbing thing I've ever thought of. Moving on.

Newsbites I couldn't come up with titles for

Edge will apparently be out at least six months following surgery on his Achilles tendon. Of course, if he was John Cena he'd be back in two weeks. If he was Triple H he'd be back in one week. If he was Kurt Angle, he'd tear his Achilles tendon while getting out of bed, but he'd be fine. He'd be jumping around.

Former WWE wrestlers Jake "The Snake" Roberts and Kizarny will be part of the Jim Rose Circus this weekend in Salt Lake City, Utah. Apparently Kizarny is going back to his roots with the whole circus thing, and will challenge Jake The Snake to a match as part of his act. If any readers are in the SLC area, I'm sure 411 would love to see a report of this potential fiasco, specifically on how drunk Jake is during the show.

TNA Knockout Champion Tara recently revealed on her MySpace (people still go to that site?) that she has been offered an MMA bout against a top female competitor. This strikes me as a very bad idea, mainly because of the huge knee brace Tara's been wearing for the past several years. One leglock and she won't stand a chance.

TNA released Senior Official Rudy Charles this week. So WWE released Senior Official Earl Hebner, TNA released Senior Official Rudy Charles…when's ROH going to release Senior Official Todd Sinclair? Dayton ROH fans know where I'm coming from on this one…the guy's more hated than anybody else ROH has ever brought there.

Rob Van Dam was on MSNBC on Thursday to advocate the legalization of marijuana in California, which could use the money from taxing one of the top cash crops in the state. As a law-abiding citizen, I have no comment on this subject.

Speaking of drugs, Brock Lesnar claims he became dependent on Vicodin & vodka while working for WWE. He says it like it's a bad thing.

Former WCW/TNA/WSX and current AAA wrestler Vampiro was in the hospital this week with a broken back believed to be sustained from a non-wrestling incident. Considering all of the strange stories we've heard in Mexico this year, all bets are off. I mean, last week we had two prostitutes murder a pair of midget wrestlers in a hotel room. Abismo Negro was found dead in a river earlier this year. You wouldn't think it could get much weirder…but it's Mexico.

That being said, I do love my weekly AAA fix on Galavision.

Jericho vs. Miz – The Hottest Feud in Wrestling?

As heated as the feud with Chris Jericho & Rey Mysterio has been the last few months, I'm starting to think that his feud with The Miz may be even more tremendous. I'm guessing Miz & Jericho weren't the first to start feuding on Twitter, but they've certainly perfected the art. Let's take a look at their war thus far…

Jericho: you're gay
Miz: u flat iron ur hair n im the gay one?
Jericho: hmmmm good call. Then again u use mounds of sculpting paste to assemble your purple fauxhawk as u admire yourself in the mirror
Miz: if u looked this good u would do the same.
Jericho: if I looked that good I would put a bag on my head
Miz: i cant do this back n forth my dad always taught my to respect the elderly.
Jericho: Did he teach u to say "do u want fries with that?"...might come in handy someday.
Miz: it did come in handy back in 1996 remember those days when u actually had hair. its cool though bald is the new black.
Jericho: Tried to surf today but I was worse than a Miz match. And the fauxhawk is the new fanny pack.
Miz: listen clay jericho i mean chris aiken i mean y2gay ryan seacrest called n he wants his highlights back
Jericho: Adam lambert called and he wants you back...

Miz: i ate some bad food i have to go take a chris jericho
as i sit here in the stalls of jericho i cant get this parasite out does anyone have a code breaker?
code broken i broke the walls down.
Jericho: Just heard Miz's match tonight in Adelaide was cancelled due to lack of interest...I'm glad Miz thinks of me when he's taking a dumpski. I think of him when I'm banging his mum...
Miz: i just talked to my mom and she said not to worry it happens to alot of guys, you were nervous. Also y does she call u pinky
Jericho: I heard Miz had a barnburner of a match tonight...people ran out and burned their barns in protest.
Miz: just heard this band who r supposed to be the new jonas brothers the singer sounds like hannah montana. theyre called fozzy

Miz: heading to melbourne 15000 in attendence tonight. u all better get ready.
Jericho: 15000 fans in attendance tonight and not one of them will buy a Chick Magnet tshirt.
Miz: just got done with a signing at foxtail call center in melbourne with kelly kelly. headed to the arena. and im sure the fans in japan r excited about seeing u in ur banana hammock
Jericho: wow the foxtail call center huh? What's next, a signing at piggly wigglys?
Miz: y did u want me to pick u up some tampons for u
Jericho: that would be great and can u please pick me up some pepto as well...I just watched one of your matches.
Miz: this tweetwar is so childish y dont u deal with ur midlife crisis with writin a new book entitled around the world in depends.
Jericho: maybe it can compete with your new novel Miz-My Life With A Frog Face
Miz: i heard u did so well on celebrity duets that they want u for another reality show. good luck on the biggest loser.
Jericho: thanks man. Just found out that it's running head to head with your new reality show, So You Think Youve Got Talent...
Miz: i cant talk too much about my talent but if u really want to know ask ur mom. shes in love with it. she calls it big daddy
Jericho: you misheard her as she actually said "Craw Daddys!" in reference to the creatures residing on your frank and beans...
Miz: eww thats disgusting. speaking of disgusting did the valtrex work or do u have to go back to the doctors for something stronger
Jericho: no the valtrex worked just like u said it would. I never shouldve questioned your experience...u ARE awesome!
Miz: r u still mad at that guy for giving u those sores.
Jericho: yeah all I did was say u were a good worker and he punched me in the face mulitiple times. My jaw, nose and ear are really sore.

Jericho: Japanese crowds are so awesome and respectful. They really appreciate what we do... I'm sure that will all change when they see their first live Miz match...43 years ago this month the Beatles were beaten, attacked, threatened, robbed and castigated during a tour of Manilla. I hope I don't suffer the same fate.
Miz: wow 43 years ago huh. so u were graduating high school around then

Jericho: Turns out we were detained at the airport cos Miz is wanted for molesting Philipino livestock. He is not welcome back here..this just in..Australian police have issued a warrant for Miz on the charges of impersonating a wrestler. Hes not welcome back.
Miz: just got off a 14 hour flight from australia heres to u gettin a cavity search in the philippines actually ud like that

Jericho: Hanging by the pool at the hotel with dreamer and just went down the slide... Gonna do a triple lindy next.
Miz: wow u n dreamer shirtless by the pool the girls must be lining up u should charge a whale watchin fee…just got done with improv class its so much fun. just like whippin jerichos ass on twitter. im awesome
Jericho: improv class...cool. What time is wrestling class? speaking of whales...how's yer mum?
Miz: no wrestling classes needed i just watch ur matches n it shows me what not to do.

Now that's what Twitter was invented for. Almost makes me want to sign up for it myself. If I did, I probably wouldn't pimp it all over my columns like some people do.

Stone Cold diz-isses Nasty Nick

In a commercial promoting an upcoming TMZ show, Nick Hogan is shown trying to buddy up to Steve Austin and acting like they're friends. Austin blows him off. I think Nick's father got the same treatment at the 2006 WWE Hall of Fame ceremony. He shouldn't feel too bad about it.

Feedback!

Yes, I know this isn't the Small-For-All, but I liked my mailbag image from it so much I'm using it again…

SHANDI!



This week's feedback comes from my appearance on Fact or Fiction Episode 238. I've opted to include the feedback with the most venom directed towards me because…well, why the hell not? It's my column.

Steve, I haven't watched Raw in a while. What exactly do they say about Mickie James?

Posted By: abwiz74 (Guest) on July 08, 2009 at 11:17 PM

OK, before everybody gets bent out of shape, I think Mickie's quite attractive. But apparently there are some within WWE that think she needs to lose a little weight because their vision of beauty involves anorexia. You see that she doesn't wear the skirts anymore. If you look back to the commercial free Raw a couple of weeks ago, you'll see them pimping the KFC during Mickie's entrance and Jerry Lawler saying something along the lines of "I bet Mickie James likes some KFC!" If you want to go further back there was the time Subway Jared was the ring announcer during her match, and there was apparently a comment about roast beef and Arby's that I missed. I didn't really notice any of this myself until it was pointed out at one of the "smarter" fourms I lurk around. It could all be a load of BS, but the fact that WWE is biased against larger women isn't exactly a secret. Look how they treated Vickie Guerrero on her way out of the company. I haven't seen Serena lately… maybe now that her breasts are much larger than the rest of her body she'll be ok.

Cook, you are an idiot. For once, I actually 100% agree with Ryan Byers.

It didn't bury Shelton at all. I've posted this before. He got more over as a heel than he ever would have as a face. And as Byers said, he faces Tatsu Thursday night on ECW. I haven't ready the spoilers but it won't surprise me one bit if Shelton wins, therefore, making the crowd care about Tatsu and putting Shelton back on top.

Shelton will be back in the title scene on ECW within a month.

The short-sightedness of the IWC, especially these supposed experts like Steve Cook is astounding. Bottom line. - Guest#6901

So even-steven booking makes racism acceptable. It's funny…anybody who's actually familiar with me my work knows that I rarely ever get offended by anything. That doesn't mean I don't recognize racism when I see it. Hell, working in downtown Cincinnati I see it pretty much every day. It's disgusting, but I don't waste my time getting offended by it because I know the people espousing those views will never amount to much of anything. While I wasn't offended by Shelton's antics, I could see how other people would have been…and that's why I answered the question the way I did. Seriously though, it was cheap heat. The same kind of heat indy wrestlers in California get when they make fun of Mexicans and threaten to call the INS on them. It's heat, don't get me wrong, but it's cheap heat that anybody can get. That can't be the only way Shelton Benjamin can get heat from a crowd…can it? If it is, that would be a far bigger problem for him than a random loss to a newcomer.

Damn, I wish the IWC would stop over analyzing this product. If you enjoy a company's product, watch it. If you do not enjoy the product, don't watch and quit bitching. - Tugman

So in your mind, the IWC should be nothing but a cheering section? I am so sick of this "Dont Complain" attitude espoused today. The IWC would suck if it was always:

"Dude I loved that Great Khali match."

"That was so funny at Wrestlemania 22 when Vince showed his butt, and Viscera humped that guy, and Torrie rubbed her dogs butt in Candice's face."

"Man I love Vince Russo"

"I am glad there are no tag teams."

We should praise and critique, not just be marks for the product. Why do you even read this site? - Guest#4055

Amen, Guest. How boring would life be if everybody agreed on everything? The beauty of the Internet is that it brings together people from far-away places to talk about the things that interest them (or don't). For wrestling fans, the Internet has been something of a godsend because it's often very difficult to find other wrestling fans out in public. I remember being one of maybe ten kids in my middle school who liked to watch wrestling, and getting endless amounts of crap from other kids who didn't get it and were interested in more mature entertainment like the Spice Girls. Come on, you're not going to write a wrestling column unless there's something about it that you like…and I assume the people who read this like wrestling too, although judging by the comments on some of the news items, maybe there are some that don't.

We all like wrestling, but unless you have no mind of your own there's probably been something on a wrestling show that you didn't like. There's probably been a show you've watched that you didn't like. Does that mean you stopped watching wrestling forever? Of course not. It's ok not to like everything. However, it's also all right to not think for yourself and blindly follow whoever your chosen leader is.

Whatever works for you.

Plugs

Here are the Friday edition of the Rs. You can catch me on the Tuesday edition of the Rs now…SPOILER ALERT: I will not be as kind to this week's edition of Superstars as I was the previous week's. Things like Chavo vs. Hornswoggle getting peddled as a main event and Ricky Ortiz wrestling for 15 minutes tend to put me in a cranky mood.

Sforcina still has a long ways to go to catch up with me.

Eubanks will be too drunk to read this.

Note to the Brace flunky who did the column with Lansdell this week...she says she's coming back soon. Not that TNA needs any more authority figures, but still. On another note…Lansdell's been married for ten years. Damn, he's old.

Finally, your AJ Grey post of the week. There's nothing wrong with the President doing what the rest of us do every day. Just so long as he doesn't pull a McNair…oh, that's gotta be too soon.

Thanks for reading, kids. Dustin James will be back with the Squared Circle News Report next week, and I'll be bouncing around the 411 like I usually do. Until Tuesday and the Rs, Mahalo.