The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 07.14.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 07.14.2009

Finger Injuries, Swayze Malebag: Celebrity Edition, The Champ is Honeymoonin', PPV Name Changes, Rey Mysterio's True Identity, Krazy Kurt Interview, and My Thoughts on UFC100!

Is this serendipity or what? Loyal Smallophiles might remember my debilitating finger injury I suffered last July. Unlike last year (which you can relive right here ), this year's injury had nothing to do a game of basketball. I really wish it did as I was all ready to drop bombs on another group of Korean kids, but sadly, the way I sprained my middle finger is much worse.

You see at the ripe old age of 24, I am starting to lose a lot of my dexterity that used to define me as a man's man athlete. In the past, I could use my large frame to break large branches in half, dunk a basketball with ease, and even run up a flight of stairs. Now, as I age, I need a chainsaw to cut twigs in half, a stepladder and a trampoline to dunk a basketball, and desperately seek an elevator. Oh well, I guess there's always Slamball.

Sadly this past weekend, my age caught up to me again as I jammed my middle finger using a rope swing. In addition to not having any upper body strength, I landed (somehow) on my finger. So until my finger's muscles retract, everyone's getting the friendly Steve Austin salute from me.

Kids never get old. Speaking of old…

SWAYZE!!!



Tonight might not be the longest edition of the Swayze Malebag but it's definitely the hardest! Yes ladies, I'll be here all week.

CELEBRITY WRITE-INS!!!

Last week, I was graced with a message from Canadian teen pop idol Robin Sparkles . Miss Sparkles was kind enough to write in and invite me to the mall! In fact, she wanted everyone to go to the mall. What a nice lady.

Miss Sparkles, I would absolutely attend the mall with you as long as I can bring the robot.

I guess people do think like me

From shittybulldog, "I was thinking the same thing about Carlito's heel turn! He'll never get a PPV blow-off against Primo. And this injury will not benefit Matt Hardy. Like I said on the Blog of Doom, he'll get squashed by R-Truth upon his return and released. And where in the blue hell has Mike Knox been lately?"

While SummerSlam has featured strange undercard matches in the past (Shane McMahon vs. Eric Bischoff FTW), I doubt we would see a brother's explosion featuring the Colons. At best, it'd be the Dark Match before the PPV. As for Matt Hardy's injury, I disagree that he will be squashed by R-Truth. My friend, R-Truth lost a feud to Shelton Benjamin; he's nowhere near the midcard. As for Mike Knox, he's been working on the Hard Knox tag team with Charlie Haas. Or he's too busy hiding Brian Kendrick's weed in his beard.

Kegger Disappoints

From, uh, Kegger, "Sorry Jefe, my column was a one time deal. You definitely should've put a picture up of you being Lance Bass for Halloween last year up after the N'Sync reference. Phoenix is coming my friend...I will kill you once and for all, and I'm not going to be paying $500 to do it either!"

Fine, fine, fine. Here's a picture of me holding up my Halloween outfit from last year:



I really don't see a resemblance.

Anyway, I'm sorry to see that the Kegger of Konsequence has gone the wayside after its first appearance. Even Conrad Bloom made it to three episodes.

Nudity

From 411 writer Mathew Sforcina, "Aren't you jealous of my Trish gift?"

Dude, I'll see your Trish Gif and raise you Marissa Miller in the bathtub.



Let's start spreading the rumors that Jeff Small = AJ Grey.

Last but not least, from Guest# 1078, "Second, it's a shame that Candice was never the same after his collarbone injuries.

I KNEW IT! THAT'S WHY COULDN'T GET A STIFFIE FROM HER!"

Me neither, I tell my girl to just

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so scared!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to another Small-For-All, 411's longest episodic Tuesday News Report since Csonka used to write for this site. I'm your host with the most and today we have tons of fun shit to talk about. From John Cena's marriage, PPV name changes, to Rey Mysterio's true identity, to the return of U-Gene, it's all here in your favorite news report!


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

The Champ is Honeymoonin'

Over the weekend, my favorite wrestler John Cena got married to his high school sweetheart. As your resident gossip rag, I have posted a lovely picture of Cena's marriage proposal.



Personally, I'm shocked that Cena was wearing a sweater vest. Those were so 2005. With that said, I'm hoping that the couple has many happy years and that Liz, his wife, learns the meaning of a five knuckle shuffle. In addition, I'm hoping that his wife is not kidnapped any time soon. But if she is, at least, we know that Cena is marine enough to survive 12 Rounds.

Will this marriage change John Cena's role in the WWE? Absolutely not. We already know that he lives and breathes the WWE. I'm not even sure if Cena will even go on a honeymoon. Knowing Vince, Cena's marriage gift is probably another year long run with the WWE Championship!!!

That's Not My Name!

In the latest in PPV name changes, WWE Cyber Sunday, which for two weeks went by the name Annihilation, has changed once again. Only this time, the PPV on October 25th will now be known as WWE Bragging Rights. For at least the next week…

I can understand why the WWE got away from Annihilation – it sounded way too close to December's Armageddon. But Bragging Rights, where's the originality of that? The best PPV names (WrestleMania, SummerSlam, Starrcade) sound like must see events; this one does not. Plus, what will be the stipulation for this show – the loser of every match has to kiss the winner's ass?

Then again, I should just be happy that Cyber Sunday is no more. As each year passed, the show became less and less relevant as the only "your vote really matters match" was the first match at the first Taboo Tuesday (Chris Jericho vs. one member of the WWE roster). Since that match, the entire premise went downhill. The PPV officially jumped the shark last year when you had to pay just to choose a stipulation! For a three-hour Raw, the concept is fine, but I am just glad that it's not one of the E's flagship PPVs anymore.

Rey Mysterio – unmasked!

News broke out today that over the weekend, Rey Mysterio wrestles part of a house show match against Chris Jericho with his mask hanging off. Due to the mask only covering half of his face, the audience was able to see Mysterio's real identity. Below is a picture of Mysterio's face (viewer discretion is advised).



And now we understand why Mysterio chooses to keep his mask on at all times. Here's hoping that at some point down the line (possibly at Bragging Rights), the WWE will book a Hair vs. Mask match between Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio. Because there can be only one WWE superstar with a long mane – Triple H.

Dropping the Hammer

A recent Newsweek article delves into the genius that is Bonnie Hammer, the USA Networks boss. Over the course of the two page article, there are a few good quotes about Hammer's relationship with Vince McMahon. From the article, "Unlike the network's boss at the time, Hammer fashioned a warm working relationship with WWE owner Vince McMahon. She also approached the wrestling franchise like any other show, offering notes on how to improve plotlines and story arcs. Hammer even persuaded McMahon to hire soap-opera and comedy writers, and used cross-promotion by casting wrestlers in USA shows.

She arbitrated some of WWE's less tasteful tendencies: for one live episode, in which one wrestler used a machete to attempt to castrate an opponent, Hammer stayed on the phone with the cameraman while watching from home, instructing him on precisely when to pull the camera away. WWE's ratings, already high, soared further, helping push USA toward the top of the cable rankings….

WWE boss McMahon, an unabashed fan, says her performance and style make her a serious contender to someday succeed Jeff Zucker as head of NBC Universal. "She's just that smart," McMahon says."

McMahon is very lucky to have someone like Hammer at the wheel of his flagship program. Considering Hammer loves the sports entertainment aspects of the show (she pushed for the commercial free Raw, the use of Jackass members, and the Limo Explosion among other angles) which clearly helped when during the Attitude era. As for Hammer's involvement with the Venis Castration, I'm a tad shocked but pleased at the same time. Lastly, in regards to Hammer taking over for NBC – I'd be all for it. NBC has went down the tubes since their Must See TV block stopped drawing the ratings and since then, the shows have been very hit (30 Rock, The Office, Chuck) or miss (the majority of the shit they put on TV). Shows like Burn Notice and Royal Pains are much better than what is on most stations so I think she would do a good job turning the ship around. Plus, she could off Heroes!

The Return of U-Gene

From the Wrestling Observer, "WWE has signed Nick Dinsmore to a contract. They want him to help groom younger talent."

It's funny, due to the Eugene gimmick, I never thought Dinsmore was anything special in the ring. While he received rave reviews for his stint in OVW, his WWE matches were pretty cut and dry. Then again, that's probably why he's back to teach WWE Main Event Style to a whole new generation of wrestlers. Plus, he can even warn future wrestlers about being hooked on pain pills! Hooray!

No Raw Recap tonight as I would rather give you my instant thoughts on UFC 100!

Not only does Joe Rogan look like a homeless man on ‘roids, he also does not know when to shut the fuck up. He's almost as bad as Don West. Vinnie Mac would not be pleased with his commentary.

Match 1: White Dude with a crappy Johnny Cash tattoo vs. Sexy Japanese Guy with Andrea Bocielli music.

Honestly, when looking at an opening match, you hope for a contest that warms up the crowd. I am not sure if this match really accomplished this. There was a lot of stalling, a lack of psychology (why did Sexy Japanese man no sell 50 leg shots), and the match went to a 15 minute draw. You know that crowd's not into it when they are not even chanting for 5 more minutes. As for the Japanese guy winning the match, I'm okay with it either though Joe Rogan is having a coronary. Someone let him know that UFC is fake. Match Rating: ** ¼ for a random use of an Undertaker submission hold

Match 2: Don Henderson vs. Some British Guy. First off, I must say that the Ultimate Fighter was a great idea by UFC. In addition to making stars, it also brought a lot more personality to these undercard matches. I wish the WWE kept Tough Enough because it's an easy way to give newcomers an instant credibility boost and some charisma. Oh well. I think this contest should have gone on first as the crowd was livid for Henderson. As for the match, it was just a lot of circling until the knockout punch. If the knockout punch came in the first round, it would have been a better version of Chris Benoit vs. Orlando Jordan from Summerslam 05 but as it was, it was more like an APA Raw squash. Match Rating: * ¾

Semi Main Event: George St. Pierre vs. Guy Who Stands No Chance. I'm not sure why GSP needs to wear boxer briefs when he fights but I do know that Big Fat Fag is impressed. As for the match, it was a twenty five minute squash for GSP. Seriously, I haven't seen that boring of a twenty minute match since Orton vs. Triple H at WrestleMania. I like GSP but he needed to knockout this punk by the third round. Match Rating: *

Main Event: Brock Lensar vs. Frank Mir. Weird match for Lesnar since he did not do the Brock Lock, F5, or even the double powerbombs. Rather, he decided to create mushmeat out of Mir's face. Kudos to Brock for an impressive win and even more kudos for his heel promo after the match. Now if only he did this:



Match Rating: *** ¾ (I cannot give a six minute match any higher even though it made me cream my pants like a MCMG spotfest on Impact!)

Overall, I loved UFC 100. While the workrate was not as good as even Judgment Day, there was enough excitement to keep me entertained. Even so, I do not think I have much interest in watching UFC101 or even UFC102 for that matter. I guess wake me up when Lesnar takes on Bobby Lashley. Now that would be quite the event.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Really nothing major in Dixieland so I'll take a few minutes to speak on a recent Kurt Angle interview:

In regards to retiring: "I'm kind of caught in the middle right now but I am making the jump into movies. I'm in four films this year. [...] When you get into professional wrestling and you see how brutal it is and you are on the road for 250-300 days per year, it starts to wear on you a bit. I got to the point where I knew I could not do it anymore. I am 40 years old, and as much as I want to stay with TNA as long as I can, I know I can't go full time forever. I want to provide for my kids and give them everything they want and give them all the things that I never had and save enough for them to get through college."

I give Angle major props for realizing that he will need to pass the torch soon. Considering that to be a TNA Heavyweight Champion, you need to be over 35 years old, it's nice to see that Angle realizes that he needs to step back. With that said, I would not be surprised to see him make one final jump back to the WWE to end his career. At least for the sake of a Kurt Angle WWE DVD. That would be so frickin' sweet.

In regards to End Game: "I just did one called END GAME. It's not exactly an A film. It's a film in which I had the lead role in which I played a serial killer. They wanted me to play the police officer, the guy in charge of the investigation. But I thought that he was one-dimensional. So I asked to play the serial killer because he seemed to have many different personalities. The film is okay."

What a glowing recommendation here! At least Angle realizes that any movie with a psycho clown is nothing more than a steaming piece of shit. With that said, I will probably love it. (And yes, I agree with Angle's belief that the lead good guys in horror movies are always one-dimensional).

On his newest movie, WARRIOR: "My character's name is Koba. I play an unknown but respected fighter from Russia… If I were to compare it, the character is a lot like Dolph Lundgren's when he played the Russian in ROCKY IV which really jump-started his career. This is a thousand, a million times bigger…I was just going down there to be cast in the movie and they wanted to know if I could speak Russian. I said I can't but I could learn quickly. They said, ‘you are perfect for the part."

If Warrior is any bit as cheesy as Rocky IV, then it will be a winner in my book.

Final Thoughts: "I have always extended my hand out to Vince, and told him that I was wrong, I am sorry. I had to make a decision, I am not sorry that I joined TNA. I know that he is happy for me. I am living much healthier now. I love Vince. I always will. It was time for me to leave and I think Vince knew or he would have never released me. I had 5 years left, he had me. There was nothing I could do. He had enough courage to take that initial step and release me. When he did, I respected him more. All I had to do was go back and say I want my job back. Instead I went to TNA, ready to start a new chapter in my life. Do I regret it? No. Do I regret not working for Vince sometimes? I miss it, I don't regret it. I miss the comradery we had, and miss some of the ideas Vince had. He's smart, he's a genius. I serve a much bigger purpose in a company that is on the verge of being another WWE. It's smaller but it has a lot of potential. At the same time I am making my dream of becoming an actor come true. I am very grateful to God that I am in my position. I don't think I could be in a much better position right now. So, I am really content."

Yup, I can totally see him hitting up the WWE one more time. As much as I rag on Angle sometimes, I would totally mark out for his "You Suck" entrance music again. Yup, I'm such a WWE Homer.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Tonight, I am seeing Bruno. In case the movie inspires me, we could be looking at quite a trainwreck next week. If not, I guess I need to do something with Ninja Dog. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!