The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 07.21.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 07.21.2009

Sex Planet, Sex Tapes, Unleashed Animals, Pretty Ricky, Ninja Dog, Raw Thoughts, and My Take On the Kurt Angle/Jeff Jarrett Situation!!!

Oh man, I'm ultra pumped to be writing a news report full of speculation on sex, sex tapes, and unleashed animals. It's like spring break with the Kardashians!

On a serious note, today's news report will be full of sex talk, pictures of people talking sex, pictures of sex talking people, pictures of Batista in a speedo, possibly a NSFW picture hidden somewhere, and most importantly, pictures of Batista in a speedo. Viewer discretion is advised.

But if you are like me and get giddy everytime you read the words penis and scrotum and vagina, then you will love today's Small-for-All News Report. As for the rest of you, thank you for reading and I will see you here again soon.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Jupiter, Pluto, Venus and Saturn,
I'm leaving Earth girl to explore your galaxy
Ten to zero, blast off, here we go
We'll be climaxin' until we reach Mercury!

Sex planet, come fly away with me
Right in my ecstasy, out in the galaxy
Sex planet, get ready for take off babe
Zoooooom, have a safe trip babe

Now that's real talk!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



By the way, I did see Bruno last week, but that has nothing to do with this week's sex-heavy edition of the Small-For-All. So don't worry, there are no talking penises here. {Snicker}

Also, kudos to those Smallophiles that sent me Get Well cards wishing me a full recovery from my jammed middle finger. I would like to report that at this time my finger is around 87% healed and has recently come out of its cast. Currently, the finger is perched in a sling and I'm hoping that by Labor Day, I will have full extension of my longest finger. {Snicker}

Yes, kids, I'll be here all week. Next week, well that's another story.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

PG-13 IS BACK!!!

No sadly not JC Ice and Wolfie D!

According to the Wrestling Observer, "WWE creative team is slowly reintroducing PG-13 material into programming, although the company switched to rated-PG earlier this year. The recent Swimsuit match on Raw is an indication of the change, since WWE has not featured their divas in such attire since the rating switch."

While I would not say that last week's Bikini Bonanza was all that scandalous (though Kegger couldn't handle it), I was refreshing to see the Divas do something that they are actually good at – model bikinis. Considering the majority of the Divas are ex-swimsuit models, that shouldn't be too surprising. Of course, compared to the Attitude Era, last week's bikini-fest paled in comparison as there was a lack of butt floss, there were no accidentally exposed nipples, and Jerry the King Lawler's blood pressure remained somewhat steady throughout the segment (damn Levitra). But it's a start.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Also from the Observer, "There's an idea that if WWE continues doing the weekly guest host for Raw in late August to bring back the Godfather with his old gimmick as the special host for the August 24th edition of Raw in Las Vegas. The creative team would like to push the idea but have not received the green light from officials."

Oh man, how awesome would it be for the one and only Godfather to return and allow someone like Jack Swagger to take a ride on the HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Train? If the WWE is serious about going back to PG-13, then the Godfather should be the special host in Las Vegas. Seeing as the Godfather is an ex-IC Champion (and people think the WWE started devaluing that belt recently), he certainly has more credentials than someone like Seth Green. Plus I do believe that the Godfather's last WWE segment was comedy gold (see below) so I'm anxiously awaiting this Pimp Daddy's return.



Film At 11

From the Observer, "One member of the WWE Smackdown creative team pitched a sex tape angle involving Dolph Ziggler and Maria that was rejected. The storyline had Ziggler blackmailing Maria with video footage, but he would never directly say out right that it was a sex tape. He would threaten Maria to show it to her family and friends, but not to any of the fans."

How glorious would that have been? Imagine if Dolph dressed in, let's say a caddy outfit, and he is picking the right club for his golf partner, Maria. Will he give her the 6 wood? Or perhaps, he would use the putter? Endless possibilities.


But if it's not White, it's not right!

But seriously, while a sex tape would be edgy for Smackdown television, it could have provided a good storyline for the random hookup between Maria and Dolph. Seeing as how Dolph is on his way to the main event, this storyline could have helped him become an even bigger asshole than he already is. Oh well.

Unleashed Animals!

From the main page, "The Batista DVD set, titled Batista Unleashed, will be released on October 13th. The DVD title is the same name as his autobiography."

Here's hoping that the Batista set is at least three discs! If Kane can get three discs and Chris Jericho cannot get a DVD release, then I'm hoping that Batista gets five discs. Imagine Disc 1 – the best of Deacon Batista. Disc 2 – Batista powerbombing Scott Steiner in his red undies. Disc 3 – The best of Batista Choking in WWE Title matches! Disc 4 – Batista vs. Shelly Martinez. Disc 5 – The Greatest WWE Championship Reign Begins and Ends in the Same Week!

Even though I'm mocking this DVD set now, you best believe that I will be purchasing it in October. I'm a sucker for Superstar DVD sets. And as promised, here are the pictures of Batista in a speedo:





Biten' Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Pretty Ricky returns this Friday on Smackdown

I know I'm in the minority but I love Delicious Pretty Ricky. Right now, he's a leader for the 2010 Small-For-All African American Hall of Fame.

Tony Atlas is on his way out of the WWE.

Perhaps Atlas is Bobby Lashley's mystery advisor?

Shawn Michaels is scheduled to return by SummerSlam as a face. There are rumors that he will fight for the WWE Championship at Armageddon in his hometown of San Antonio, TX.

I have no qualms with this though the WWE better have a good returning storyline for HBK. Because in my mind, they probably think a DX vs. Legacy match is all that's necessary. But no – we want HBK vs. the Miz!

Right? Right? Oh well…

Note: I missed the opening segment featuring Cena, HHH, and Randy Orton. To make up for it, I'll watch the highlight package leading up to Wrestlemania 24 again. Ah, how refreshing.

I usually do not admit it, but I made a mistake a couple weeks ago. I mentioned how I thought Carlito would never get a PPV match with Primo but I am wrong. Damn, multi-man matches. (Editor's note: Primo is not involved in the six pack challenge so I am not wrong anymore!)

Hey, remember when Carlito and the Big Show feuded? Yeah, me neither.

Hey, remember when a certain main eventer used the Diving Headbutt as a finisher? Yeah, me neither.

Wait, wait, wait, now matches are being sponsored. Why don't they plaster a silly logo in the middle of the ring.

Wow, comedy segments with Santino and ZZ Top are well, not that good. Even Jericho shouldn't be subjected to this.

Woah, THE Brian Kendrick gets mic time! I guess the WWE is getting lax on their weed standards. Nevermind, Kendrick's about to job to the King.

Ok, I know this isn't wrestling related but doesn't it look as if the Summer Movie schedule is already over – a bunch of crappy looking horror movies, a bad Jeremy Piven movie (Ari should stick to Entourage), and GI Joe. Ugh. Where's this year's Superbad?

Oh man, Mickie James and the Miz are getting catty? Why can't they just settle this like real women – on Twitter?

Movie SPOILER: The Orphan's secret is that she's an old lady midget. Seriously.

Who's Chris Jericho's partner? Why Tazzz, of course!

Ok seriously, you put Jericho in a match with Mark Henry, the week of a PPV. Haven't the WWE realized that you DO NOT put anyone in a match with Mark Henry the same week as a PPV! Nothing good can come out of this.

Color me surprised – the match was pretty good. I guess this shows you that Jericho can work with anyone.

These ZZ Top skits are really lame.

What's worse – Lillian Garcia's ring announcing (like she really cares) or Michael Cole's laugh?

A tuxedo match – nope wrestling's not gay. Right Heidenreich?

Correction: there can be a redeeming factor from these ZZ Top segments (and yes, I had sex with Katie.) Oh wait, there's Santino again. Yup, wrestling's not gay.

Fuck, I'm going to miss next week's Raw. Dammit, Shaq's going to make a great host.

Question – why has Rosa Mendez replaced Beth Phoenix on Raw? Beth was doing awesome as the Glamazon but ever since she's lost the Women's Championship to Melina, things have been going downhill for her.

Poor Gail Kim – she has way more wrestling talent than the three other ladies in the match but has to play Ricky Martin.

Judging by the way the match ended, can we say that this ref got sexual favors from Alicia Foxx before the match?

Solid main event. Nothing sexy about it (unlike the following picture).

Overall, Raw was a solid show that helped build to Sunday's PPV. There was nothing spectacular about the show but they didn't need this week to be. Next week is the all-important week as the company starts the Road to Summerslam!


Sexy Random Interlude Picture




NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

How to Erase a Shitty PPV From Everyone's Mind

From the main page, "While it has been labeled as a "personal leave", Dixie Carter ordered Jeff Jarrett to go home following the mysterious call on the Bubba the Love Sponge Show that stated that Jarrett and Karen Angle were now together. Kurt Angle has been saying backstage that he will not sign a new contract with Jarrett in creative power, and also stated that he will end up with booking control of the company. Most of the wrestlers are siding with Angle in this situation, aside from the people who are close to Jarrett personally. People within TNA have been playing the recording from the "Bubba the Love Sponge" to see if they can figure out who the voice that caused all of this mess belongs too. TNA's booking plans for the next month were written and planned prior to this whole incident."

Wowsers. I first read about the mysterious call-in voice over the weekend and knew it would be prime Small-For-All material. I never thought it would have escalated to this point come Monday afternoon.

It's crazy to think that Jeff Jarrett is shacking up with Karen Angle. Considering that Angle used Jeff's dead wife Jill and repeatedly mentioned Jarrett's kids in the build to their feud, it seems really weird that Jeff is now hooking up with Kurt's ex-wife. I guess this really goes to show you that wrestling is a very sketchy business.

So where does Dixie Carter go from here? Does she keep Jarrett off the road until speculation dies down? Does she give in to Kurt Angle's demands and remove Jarrett from creative power? Does she tell Kurt Angle to go fuck himself back to the WWE? Poor Dixie's got a big decision to make.

Here's my advice – it's time to let Jeff Jarrett go. And here's how to do it. Instead of banning Jarrett from the tapings, bring back Jeff Jarrett immediately and have him rekindle his feud with Kurt Angle. Only this time, Jarrett is the NC-17 Superstar and is now the heel. Bring back Karen Angle in slutty outfits and have her make out with Jarrett weekly. As the face in the situation, Angle will have to temporarily step down as the leader of the MEM, leaving the group in turmoil (as Matt Morgan will try to stage a coup).

Every week Jeff Jarrett will try to perform live sex with Karen Angle. This should last for a couple weeks until Kurt Angle can finally get under Jeff Jarrett's skin. How? By dressing up as a clown and kidnapping Jeff Jarrett's children.



Rechristened as a Krazy Killer Klown, Kurt Angle will be in the driver's seat heading into Hard Justice. The best thing here is that both characters are so mentally unstable and are so awful (Kurt for stealing children and Jarrett for becoming a manwhore) that you can't help but cheer both of them.

Now onto the match – let Angle and Jarrett tear into each other for 15 minutes. Have them brawl in the stands, brawl backstage, and brawl in the ring. Towards the end of the match, Karen Angle will reappear at ringside and successfully kidnap back Jeff's children, who are sitting on a pole ringside. With Jarrett's children in her grasps, the world becomes stunned when Bobby Lashley debuts and starts making out with Karen Angle! But it gets better.

With Jeff Jarrett distracted by Karen's whoring, Kurt Angle will be able to roll-up Jarrett for a near fall. With the crowd in a frenzy, a couple of football players appear and start making out with Karen Angle. Now Kurt is incensed. Angle takes out Bobby Lashley with Jarrett's guitar and does a good job beating up the San Francisco 49ers. Back in the ring, Jeff takes advantage once again and puts the Figure 4 on Angle. Angle reverses and immediately Earl Hebner calls for the bell! Jeff Jarrett has been screwed over as Kurt and Karen get back together. Jeff Jarrett's kids start calling Angle "Daddy" and they all live happily ever after. Oh and Goldberg runs over Jeff Jarrett on the way out in a white Hummer.

See? The above surely makes you forget about this shit:




COMING ATTRACTIONS

As mentioned in my Raw Recap, I will be MIA once again. Only this time, I am on vacation! That's right – no cell phone, no laptop, no outside communication! Oh how I can't wait. In two weeks, I will return with a Khali-For-All update! Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!