The MattThinks Friday No-CostThinks!: 07.31.09

Posted by Mathew Sforcina on 07.31.2009

I once again fill in for Meehan, and discuss TNA's deal with Playboy, WWE's hiring practices, D'Lo Brown's choice of reading material, My Choices for Raw's Guest Hosts, Night Of Champions, as well as... Ah, who am I kidding? I got lots of gifs!

Memo to any aspiring 411 writers: Never, ever, state that if no-one else wants it, you'll do something again if the first time saw everyone fall in love with stuff you know you almost certainly cannot top.

Hello again, this is Mathew Sforcina, 411 Mania's current Ask 411 Wrestling guy, and I'm once again filling in for Meehan as he's off getting his knee prodded, poked, and various other p words.

For any laymen who may have wandered in this week, although I love the format, I'm not going to follow Meehan's usual stuff, the sell and tell, the 5 D's, and so on, due to the simple fact that I'm lazy. Despite it being a somewhat slow news week (at least in terms of earth shattering developments), I've still found some stuff to discuss.

But, and this is the reason why, I'm sure, everyone wanted me to do this again, during my text about the news of the week, I have to break up the blocks of text with something. This Super Cool banner is a one off after all.



So, to break up the text of me going through the last week's news and cherry picking what I like, I shall be throwing in asides with wonderful animated gifs that probably won't match the awesomeness that was last week's best efforts, but we'll give it a shot. Although, to clarify ahead of time, I did not make a single one of these gifs. They are all the hard work of Anonymous IWC members, who just want to entertain. And stuff.

Proof that Meehan listens to his elders (his 411 writer elders at least.)

Well, let's start with Paul Heyman. Now, he recently posted a blog, taking to task both WWE and TNA for various reasons. His TNA criticism I'm going to leave to one side, since it's pretty justified. But his WWE statement I have to suggest it wrong. To quote…

When it comes to a young talent initiative, both World Wrestling Entertainment and TNA Wrestling have their collective heads shoved up their respective asses. A really talented lap dancer has a better chance of being discovered and recruited into professional wrestling than a decorated athlete who is trying to decide between WWE/TNA and UFC/MMA. The "recruitment" process in both WWE and TNA is not just lacking, it's non-existent. In WWE, "they" wait for "you" to chase the opportunity of working for the dominant market leader in sports entertainment. In other words, if you don't call them, they won't call you. Just a few years ago, Jim Ross would send memo after memo to Vince and Stephanie (and even to Executive Producer Kevin Dunn) practically begging the company to devote more time, effort, and resources to an active recruitment process, much like the NFL, NBA, and Major League
Baseball.

"If we don't address this problem now," JR once said in a passionate pitch on Air McMahon, "we're going to pay a heavy price for ignoring the situation in 5 years."

By the way, that was about ... oh... 5 years ago.

Now, on one level, I understand where he's coming from. But the current system does have one advantage that they might well want to keep around.

The odds of another Brock or Lashley is reduced.

What I mean by that is that if you go out and sell Wrestling to young men and women, like Heyman is suggesting, you'll get hires who are talented athletes and maybe even good wrestlers, who don't really care about the job. And if you don't really love Pro Wrestling, you will leave. It's a hell of a tough job even on the indy scene if you're serious, and WWE's schedule is murder. You have to LOVE pro wrestling to do it. And if you hire guys based on their athletics and not their passion, they will tire, and they will leave.

I'm not saying the system can't be improved, but they still need a little work for guys to get in, because that way you are much more likely to get guys who probably want to be there…

Young men, in this column we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Flair and Hart are once again taking pot shots at each other. Eh, tell me when it's Hart's Kid vs. Flair's Kid at a Wrestlemania with them in the corners and I'll care. A little.

Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal!

411 got an interview with D'Lo Brown, because we're cool and all. And he reads our stuff, which is good. And if D'Lo Brown reads us, who are you to scoff, Mr. IWC Nobody! Huh? You think you're better that D'Lo Brown? Huh?

*Sforcina is passed a letter*

Excuse me.

…

I'd like to apologize to you, the reader. You are not nobody, and we here at 411 Value your readership, be you D'Lo Brown or not D'Lo Brown. Thank you for your patronage.

Phew, dodged a bullet there.

Well OK this one I at least know the source…

So Freddy Kruger got offered a Raw hosting gig. Given that he told this to Jeremy Borash, I'll assume he passed. So, it would appear that this Raw Celeb Host thing will continue, in a vain attempt to get Raw back up in the ratings and prove that you don't need Wrestling on a Wrestling show.

Well, I'd like to help, with my top 10 Guest Hosts I want to see. I'm not going to go full bore fancy layout like our new resident Top 10 Guy, since I'm on a deadline here. So, my top 11, just to be different..

11. Dita Von Teese: I got no real justification for this one, hence she's low on the list. But anything that gets more Dita on my TV/computer is a good thing.

10. Nicole Kidman: I'm actually serious with this one. She's apparently a wrestling fan, thanks to her kids, and she's an Aussie, kind of. And she's hot, kind of. So why not? Oh yeah, the whole "She's a huge star and her publicists would never agree…

9. Jim Carrey: A related name, this one's a little more likely, but still pushing the realms of possibilities. But hey, a Hornswoggle/Jim handicap match against Chavo would be funny. Maybe.

8. The Honky Tonk Man: I would love to be able to put Jake Roberts here, but sadly I think he's too far gone for the job, alas. But Honky can still talk and go, and out of all the old school guys out there who are possible, with the exception of our next 2 guys, is the one I want to see the most.

7. Arn Anderson: DO IT!

6. Rob Van Dam: Just to bring the joke back. Although having Orton re-kill him at the end of a WWE title match to end the night would be a nice boost to Randy….

5. Bruce Campbell: I don't care that most people are only vaguely aware of him, I still don't quite know who the hell is hosting next Monday, some guy from that show I don't watch. Bruce Campbell is… Well…. He's Bruce Campbell, what more do you need to know? BRUCE F'N CAMPBELL~!

4. Jay Leno: Ok, so his past dalliance with Wrestling is best left forgotten. But, he does know a little about it, and he does have something big to plug, and he's a big name that is under contract with another branch of the major company, so he's pretty plausible. So why not?

3. Penn & Teller: Screw The Godfather, you want to get away from PG, you call on Penn & Teller! I mean, you've got a guy who can carny talk, and a small silent comedic genius, plus the idea of making Cena disappear then reappear to win a handicap match against Legacy or some such appeals to me. Come on, make it happen WWE!

2. William Shatner: If there wasn't the one guy at the top of the list, he'd be my most wanted. He's experienced with the product, well known, funny, what else do you need? Plus we might get an Orion Slave girl match between Beth and Mickie, and/or an Extreme Rules match with Cena (in ripped shirt) vs. someone with that fight music playing. You know the one. This one!



1. Simon Pegg: Big name. Got something to plug. Well known. Funny. Fan of wrestling. Appeals in more than one market. Not a huge guy. Can talk. What he hell else do you need in a Guest Host?

Well ok, he's lacking in the boobies but you can't have everything…

Speaking of the boobies…

In order to break up the boobies (believe me, we'll get back to them), Night Of Champions. Quick thoughts.

Big Show as the partner is a good idea, although to be fair, the way they brought him in, as they were forced to, did leave something to be desired. If they'd announced in the Raw before, I think they may have gotten a better reaction. But, as Dunn said, he's able to switch from face to heel fairly easily, so why not?

So do I put down that the ECW match is proof that Vince is admitting that he's wrong about Christian or that it's proof he doesn't want him off ECW?

McCool's push is getting ridiculous. Ok, the match didn't suck, but she's hardly a heat magnet. Hell, she's got none at all, practically.

This was the 24th PPV match involving Orton, Cena and/or Hunter. It's kind of showing by now.

Ok, so Punk losing now is bad, but the hopeful rematch at Summerslam should be glorious. I hope. Even if they toss in Matt Hardy, it'll still work…

Hadouken!

Mick Foley doing Stand Up. Colt Cabana, doing stand up. Well, it'll be interesting from a purely psychological view, but funny? I mean, both are funny in the ring and in promos, but stand up's a little different…

Still, I'm sure it'll work out. And hey, we might get Colt in TNA, that'd be good, right?

Right?

I miss this guy.

ROH is moving time slots to just before Raw. And that's a good idea, since it'll allow ROH fans to get all nice and snarky for when Raw comes on since they've had great wrestling already and give WWE fans a chance to laugh at bad wrestling before the good stuff gets on. And for those rare, sad people who understand that they are different and can appreciate both, bully for them!

Note: Here we have demonstrated the correct way to react to Michael Cole.

Back to the Boobies!

So, TNA has signed a deal with Playboy. The first pictorial will be Traci Brooks, in October.

Apart from the obvious (Naked Chicks Are Good), and the clear (TNA gets it's name out there), I'd like to state that, despite who I'd REALLY like to see in Playboy, Traci is the right choice.

She's TNA home grown, with no WWE mark at all. She's talented in ring, so the inevitable match around the shoot won't suck. She hasn't been pressured into it, she's on record as willing prior to it (I believe). And, most importantly, she's the kind of girl Playboy will best show off. After all, in person by all accounts she's stunning, and TV/video tends to show that. Picture and Traci Brooks on the other hand… It's a little hit and miss. But Playboy, with their airbrushing X Infinity -1, will make sure that every shot is a hit. So well done TNA, Playboy, Miss Brooks, everyone involved. If you'd like a ‘preview', JP Hooked me up.

Although if Tara's not in it by the same time next year, there will be hell to pay!

Still more talking about the boobies…

I wonder if I should use a more ‘adult' term there. I mean, I know I'm being deliberately cutesy there, but that may not come across to you, the reader. Eh, now I've said this, I'm covered.

So HBK is coming back at Summerslam, probably to fight Legacy, as part of DX. Cool, although I'm torn on the idea of the inevitable follow on at Breaking Point of DX vs. The Colossal Hypocrite Connection for the tag belts. I mean, a guy who's had a Submission for years and another guy who's using one well recently against a guy with a controversial submission and one without it, it's a logical feud. But Jericho submitting to a sleeper? I dunno…

Oh, yeah, that's why they brought Masters back, silly me.

Best. In-Ring. Reaction. Ever.

Speaking of that guy, who was somewhat improved when I saw him wrestle Al Snow for my fed a couple months back, he was Googled a fair bit after his return on Raw.

Still sounds dirty.

OH NO! RUN!

So The Brian Kendrick was finally released. Good, now The Hooliganz can finally begin to no-show the Indy events of their choice!

Kurt Angle is Insane. Remember this.

Well, on the home stretch now, just the stuff I gotta put in. So, thanks for dropping in, Meehan will be back next week I'm sure, and if not, I'm not doing this again. If only because I'm running low on gifs here people.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and see you in Ask 411 next Wednesday. Remember, stay negative! That way you'll either be pleasantly surprised or right.

William Regal is clearly teaching people reactions. This is good.

TWITTER

http://www.twitter.com/411mania
http://www.twitter.com/411wrestling
http://www.twitter.com/411moviestv
http://www.twitter.com/411music
http://www.twitter.com/411games
http://www.twitter.com/411mma

This is why I like Daffney. Well, part of the reason.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline : [phone]-SAFE.

SEXY FINISH!