The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 08.04.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 08.04.2009

The Most Serious WWE Newspiece I’ve Ever Done, Raw Thoughts, TNA’s Creative Changes, Retirements, Reunions, and The Everlasting Gaze!

You Know I'm Not Dead
This is a story of why Daniel Wilcox will forever be known as Lackey to me. We are almost at the three year mark when a young Wilcox asked me whether he could take over for my PPV Simulations that I used to run during my Sunday Small-For-Alls. Seeing as I was burnt out of creating characters for a lowly video game simulation, I allowed Wilcox to become my lackey. And he was damn good at it. Over time, Wilcox studied enough from me and actually began writing weekly columns on 411. At some point, he decided he was too good for me and left my legion of Smallophiles.

At that point, Wilcox ended up befriending Slimmer (silly bastard) which led to Wilcox's columns being written just as often as Slimmer's (his last weekly column was in 2007 I do believe). Even though I should have never spoken to Wilcox again, out of the goodness of my heart, I still wanted to help my lackey. Two weeks ago, I offered him a shot at writing last week's Small-For-All. I knew I would be out of town and thought it would be a great way of reintroducing Wilcox to the 411 audience. He agreed to write my news report and I informed Larry of this match made in heaven. Or so I thought. Sometime Tuesday afternoon while sipping martinis by the pool, JP texted me and wondered whether I had been fired again.

So to answer JP's question, because I'm totally not paying 10 cents American to respond, no I have not been fired. I do not know the reason why Wilcox went Dave Chappelle on me but I hope it's not because I unleashed James the Hatin' Dolphin on him during last year's 411 Pool Party. You know James right?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…



Baby beluga in the deep blue sea,
Swim so wild and you swim so free.
Heaven above and the sea below,
And a little white whale on the go.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome back to the only news report that could miss a few weeks and still feel fresher than death, the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report. Today's edition speaks on possible reasons why Raw feels stale, the latest in the TNA backstage shenanigans, and of course, a live write-up of Raw!

But before I get started, there's one topic that I need to address – VH1 canceling their reunion shows for both Daisy of Love and Charm School. Excuse my French but what the fuck? The reunion shows were always entertaining between the 30 second delay that was necessary, all of the girl on girl fisticuffs, and most importantly, finding out that the "love" never lasts. After Daisy picked London over Flex and 12 Pack/Dave, I was seriously looking forward to the reunion. You just know that their relationship wouldn't last as Daisy is way too good for London. But I wanted to know if Daisy started hooking up with someone else. Because you know that she would!

As for a Charm School reunion, who wouldn't want to see Brittanny Starr take on Farrah and So Hood in a three way lumberjill match? You know I'd be all over that like white on rice.

So VH1, if you are reading (which you are not), please bring back your reunion shows. With both Real Chance at Love 2 and Megan Wants a Millionaire starting this week, it's imperative that you keep yourselves the leader in Celebreality.

God, I need a life.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

No Country for Old Men

Recently, there's been a lot of negativity in the way the WWE is building future stars. Over the weekend, this newspiece from the Wrestling Observer hit the web. "Since the recent injuries to WWE's top stars, Vince McMahon has been described as "on edge" and "unhappy with the product now." The lack of depth of main event talent is said to frustrate and worry Vince. WWE officials have been criticized for recent decisions and not working to elevate talent such as MVP and Jack Swagger. Both wrestlers have been highly praised and some have questioned why they were moved to Raw only to become midcarders. Most within the company also feel the development system is doing a horrible job of producing ready talent, and the success in recruiting top athletes has declined."

But that's not it – in a recent blog by Paul Heyman, Paul goes even further stating that the WWE does a poor job recruiting future stars, especially at indy shows.

Now while there are some truths to both the Observer news piece and Heyman, I think that the major reason why the WWE feels stale is not because of a lack of new starts; rather, it's because the veterans have no place to go after hitting the main event scene. In a better sense, the reason for the WWE's staleness is due to all of the Brett Favre's in the main event.

Once a wrestler reaches the main event scene, there are only two ways out – either death or career ending injury. Really! Think about it – if Stone Cold's neck wasn't hanging on by a thread, he would still be wrestling. If Bret Hart never was concussion kicked by Goldberg, there's a good chance he would still be around. The Mick Foley of "Have a Nice Day" would be nauseous if he saw the Foley of 2009. Triple H just turned 40 and even after ten years in the main event scene, is not slowing down. Hell, if Eddie Guerrero or Chris Benoit were still alive, they would also be appearing each week in the WWE. It's really a sad state of affairs.

Unlike wrestling, this does not hold as true in other sports. In basketball, a shooter's legs usually tire out around age 32 or 2,000 games. Part of the reason high schoolers cannot go straight to the NBA anymore is due to the fact that these players will see their decline before age 30. In basketball, once a veteran starts feeling his age, at best he has a few years left as a journeyman before their retirement. In football, most running backs are worn out by age 30. In 2005, Shaun Alexander was the league's MVP. Three years later, he was released after three games by the Washington Redskins. Granted, in the NFL, quarterbacks have the longest careers due to being protected during most plays. That's why we have guys like Brett Farve who should retire but do not know when to call it quits.

Even though wrestlers put a ton of abuse on their bodies, the smarter ones usually change their ways to minimize wear and tear. Steve Austin became a brawler after returning from his neck injury in 1998. Rey Mysterio has toned down his style considerably due to his bad knees. Hell, Ric Flair would still be wrestling a limited style if he wasn't given a proper sendoff! In the WWE, it's not so much what you do but how you do it. That's why cruiserweights with their flashy moves are rarely used outside of jobber matches while the Great Khali and the Big Show get yearly pushes to the top.

But is this really just the WWE's fault? For we cheer for guys like John Cena, the Undertaker, HBK, and HHH much more than any of the up-and-comers. We'd rather spend more merchandise on these established guys than any others. While we complain about Triple H main eventing in almost every WrestleMania in the last ten years, we do contribute to the show's buyrate.

In fact, the one guy who did get away, the Rock, has been criticized by everyone from random internet fans ("why is his news in the wrestling section?") to current wrestlers (like John Cena). And why? Because he was smart enough to get away and try something else with his life. It's similar to when Jonathan Taylor Thomas left Home Improvement during the show's final year. Tim Allen was legitimately pissed and buried JTT which was stupid. Why hate on JTT for wanting to continue his education instead of spending another year on a show that was limping to the finish line?

And it doesn't stop with the Rock. Case in point – there's a good chance that Jeff Hardy will leave the WWE after SummerSlam. If this happens, we already know what the response from most fans will be: why did Jeff Hardy leave when he was on top? And the answer is simple: because he's a smart man. He achieved his lifelong dream of being WWE Champion and then he left to try out other smaller goals in his life. Of course, when we read news on Hardy's future jobs, we will mock and tell jokes. But really the jokes on all of us because it's a lot less funny in ten years when Hardy's struggling to climb to the top rope for a swanton bomb.

That's just the reality of things. Instead of focusing on the future, the WWE needs to periodically lead a few of their thoroughbreds out to pasture. The best way I could think of is by offering some of the top superstars backstage positions within the company. Triple H should start being weaned off a regular schedule and take on a large role in creative. Guys like Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker would be great backstage agents. Other guys could be used in the developmental program to help foster a better learning experience for future wrestlers. And some of the guys who have no interest in that can become WWE Legends and spend the rest of their time away from the ring.

Once the WWE sorts out their upper card problem, then they focus on the other half of the problem – developing new stars. In a nutshell, here's a reason why Smackdown feels a lot fresher than Raw. Over the last few PPVs, Smackdown has provided a chance for their midcarders to get over. Judgment Day saw Shelton Benjamin take on rising star John Morrison. At the Bash, future IC Champion (well up until this weekend's house shows) Dolph Ziggler took on the Great Khali. Is there any reason why the Raw brand cannot do the same. Why was MVP vs. Jack Swagger blown off in a week? Sure, the Miz received a PPV shot against John Cena but no time during the build did the Miz have the upper hand.

On Raw, it seems that everything is in rush mode until we get to a Triple H, Randy Orton, or John Cena segment. Which shouldn't surprise you considering that a combination of these three men have headlined the majority of shows since 2006! If the WWE were to slow down the show and spend a little amount of time on wrestlers other than those three, we would see a better mid-card. Hate on Vince Russo all you want but he was great at giving midcarders something to do (especially if they were good at climbing poles). Not that I'm asking for Vince Russo to return but for someone to give characters or storylines to some of the future stars of Raw. Consider this – this is Kofi Kingston's second run with a secondary belt (he was IC Champ at this time last year). Has he really had a legitimate feud for his belt? (And no, multi-man matches do not count.) There's your secondary problem.

In conclusion, there's a good reason why the WWE (and primarily Raw) feels stale. A reliance on the older guard and not enough storyline time for the midcard has gotten the show into a funk. Thankfully, the problem can be diagnosed and with the right prescription, things could be changed for the better. But if Vince does not want to change his ways, then I guess there's always more guest stars to freshen things up. Right Jason Seaver?


That's right!

Raw kicks off with Ari Gold and the Asian Guy from the Hangover! Are you sure that the Godfather didn't undergo a caucasionplasty since Dr. Ken is making it rain?

And yes, this week's guest host interrupter is the Miz! Le Miz! Why do I have a feeling that John Cena is scripting this segment? Oh shit, the Miz just called Dr. Ken "Lloyd." That shit is fighting words.

And here is he – Mr. Cena himself. Oh great, Cena's pimping the Goods and wants to bury the Miz again. I'll bring the shovel.

"I think I'm getting what John Cena is putting down." God, we all miss the Rock.

Summerfest? I think Jeremy Piven won't be hosting another edition of Monday Night Raw anytime soon. That or he's shooting! OMG, TNA SUMMERFEST!

Actually, I think it would be beneficial to Miz to lose this match and become Smackdown's property. "A Match of Biblical Proportions" indeed, Mr. Cole.

Evan Bourne's new music rules and by now having lyrics, it shows that the WWE is interested in his character. Well considering he got squashed by Jack Swagger, perhaps they aren't that interested in his character.

Oh shit, an MVP chant. Keep chanting crowd. It's only going to make it more painful when Chris Masters defeats MVP tonight.

The Big Show: "I can spread the your goods all over the arena." That's seriously the worst thing Big Show has said since he called Kai En Tai a bunch of goofs.

Hey Beth Phoenix is back. And so is Jillian Hall. Hell, if you replace Gail Kim with Kelly Kelly, we would have taken a time machine back to last Fall. And through last winter. And hell up until the rise of Santina.

And after last week's "miscommunication", Gail Kim goes back to jobbing and another Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James match is on the horizon. Perhaps we will add Santino and Kofi Kingston back into the mix. Just like last year!

What the fuck was with Cody Rhodes's moonsault? Did he think he was diving into a pool? If so, I give him a 9.5.

YES! Holy shit does it feel good to see Triple H job cleanly! Even if it were to two men. And Triple H's awkward post-match interview did not even bury the team. Now if Legacy can pull off the epic win at Summerslam, perhaps we are finally in the right step. Who am I kidding?

So the epic Primo vs. Carlito match is blown off in three minutes during a filler segment on Raw. Seems about right.

Okay, Mark Henry in a leprechaun hat is one of the greatest things I've seen in my life. This match, not so much. Okay, Mark Henry dancing like a leprechaun is the greatest thing ever!

It's nice to see Randy Orton show up 90 minutes into the show.

What's this movie, the Goods? When does this come out? August 14th – thanks WWE!

I'm not shocked that the crowd is pretty dead at this point. I think the heels have won every match outside of the Mark Henry squash and Kofi winning by DQ.

Now we get to watch John Cena sell the Masterlock, and a "shocking heel turn" from Jeremy Piven and Dr. Ken. Piven jumping off the top rope was cool but honestly, Dr. Ken was funnier during this segment than he was the entire show.

Oh man, after Cena manhandled Dr. Ken, defeated the Miz cleanly, and made an all-heel lumberjack group look like pussies, do I totally want to see Randy Orton vs. John Cena XVII! Great job selling the second biggest PPV of the year, WWE!

I must admit after watching about half of last week's Shaq show (thanks Pacific Coast Time) and Friday's Smackdown (thanks Hulu), I was really looking forward to tonight's edition of Raw. Unfortunately, Piven and Dr. Ken had nothing much to work with until the final segment (Piven played a much better heel (right Ari Gold?)) and the entire show did a better job hyping the Goods and not SummerFest. I mean, Summerslam.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

The Times They Are A-Changing

As everyone is probably aware, TNA released two of its backstage and creative members last Friday: creative writer Dutch Mantel and Knockouts Agent Savio Vega. According to Dot Net, "At this point, most people who are considered Jeff Jarrett allies are on edge. There are rumblings that referee Slick Johnson, and agents B.G. James and Jim Cornette are on the bubble, but no moves have officially been made. The feeling of multiple sources is that there could also be a broadcasting shakeup at some point as well.

The creative team currently consists of Vince Russo and Matt Conway. Others have sat in from time to time, and Jarrett is technically on a leave of absence from his position as the head of creative. He could still be brought back into that role if he returns to the company. However, the feeling of most people is that the firing of allies Mantel and Vega is a good indication that Jarrett is either on his way out of the company or won't retain nearly as much power if he is brought back."

Throw in the rumors that Panda Energy is looking to buy out Jarrett's remaining part of TNA and things could be drastically changing for the #2 wrestling company. Of course, things could cool down and everything stays stagnant but it's more fun to speculate. At this moment, I would not be surprised to see Kurt Angle become a member of the creative staff as he's been looking to get into creative after he retires from the ring.

I'd also like to bring up the current TNA team of Russo and Conway. According to reports, Matt Conway was hired by Dixie Carter as a young voice backstage (he's only in his 20s) and also to report things back to Dixie. So far he's only worked on backstage segments but will now be used more than ever with the departure of Mantel. Of course, Taz could be used in a creative capacity but that would mean a Joey Numbers push by Christmas.

Stay tuned to 411 for the latest in this story. Because that's really the only thing of note going on in TNA. Outside of this…

Goodbye Stinger

From the main page, "Radio ads playing in LA are teasing the retirement of a legend at the TNA Bound For Glory PPV in October. Considering that Sting lives in California, it will likely be him. It Is not known if they will do a "win or retire" scenario or if he will announce an official retirement match."

Seeing as how Sting's contract expires in October, there's a very good chance that Sting will have his final match at Bound for Glory. If TNA was smart (or should I say if Matt Conway was me), I would have TNA throw a super wad of cash at Ric Flair to build to a final Sting vs. Flair showdown. Hell, considering that Flair is now pimping out the Charlotte lottery, I bet two scratch tickets and a $20 would get him to sign with TNA. This way, you could have Flair turn on Sting once last time in September and build to the ultimate retirement match in North America. Sure Vince McMahon would be super pissed that he would remove Flair from the Hall of Fame and not allow Sting's image to be used on any future DVD, but it would totally help TNA out of their recent PPV buyrate slump.

There has to be a reason why only 7,000 people ordered this year's Slammiversary. Right JP? Why won't you answer your loyal guest fans?

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Judging by your feedback below, there is a good chance that the Swayze Malebag will return next week. If no one decides to comment on my most serious WWE newspiece above, then there's an even better chance that I go back to the same old song and dance next week! Retirement? Ha, give me a year.

Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!