The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 08.11.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 08.11.2009

Plenty O’ SWAYZE Feedback, Tenth Anniversaries, KAZAAM, Mysterio’s Title Reign, Potpourri, Raw Thoughts, and Another Epic Wrestling Breakup!!!

Looks like last week's serious newspiece went over well. Because of this we have a SWAYZE malebag below. But before we dive into the malebag, I wanted to tell you all about the latest news in my life. Six years ago, Raw held their Tenth Anniversary Special at WWE New York which I was thankfully apart of. Granted, most people hated the event for a variety of reasons – the award winners (I know, I know, Trish Stratus should never have won Diva of the Decade), no Stone Cold Steve Austin, no Mick Foley, and Triple H mooning everyone – but it holds a dear place in my heart. Next to watching Gremlins 2: the New Batch for the first time naked.


Oh skeet skeet, motherfucker

On Saturday, I decided that I would relive the feelings of the Raw Tenth Anniversary Special by purchasing tickets to the upcoming Smackdown Tenth Anniversary Special in September. Unlike the Raw Anniversary Special, this will also be the Season Premiere of Smackdown and will take place in the ring and not at WWE NY. Regardless, it shall be a glorious day. And for JP's sake, I might even wear some clothes!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Just keep on waiting.

SWAYZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



First off, I appreciate all of the positive words from last week. The entire "No Country" newspiece was thought of after watching the E! True Hollywood Story on Home Improvement (hence the reference). While I do not foresee myself continuing with serious news pieces, if the chance arrives, it shall be used again. I'm not surprised that most of you did not expect that from me but it's to be expected when the majority of news reports consist of lies about Great Khali and much homosexual banter. Huzzah.

In addition to the kudos, I also received a comment from a real life celebrity (and way more important than 12 Pack/Dave)! And you know how much I love celebreality!

From Tim the Toolman , "It was upsetting because JTT said he wanted to go off to school but ended up in some lame movie and didn't go until sometime after the show ended."

Tim Allen is absolutely correct here as Jonathan Taylor Thomas promised that he was leaving the show for college when he wound up portraying Steve, a bisexual hustler, in Speedway Junky. Now that's a swerve (take notes Vinny Russo)!

From non-celebrity Lance O'Leary, "I honestly think the WWE should start focusing on midcard matches to the point that they don't even need to book both world titles on every single ppv. They should try things like building a U.S title program that's so hot it can main event. I know that may sound insane, but consider that if the NWA had been putting out monthly ppvs they could have easily put Magnum vs. Tully as the main event of a few of them."

That's not a bad idea Lance as with two championship titles, you could easily replace one of the championship matches with a hot midcard feud. The only problem with that is that the WWE already tried this with single branded PPVs. Single branded PPVs were a great way to build mid-card matches as at best there were only "main event" matches. Plus with each brand having an off-month, it allowed for feuds to be properly built (if the writers wanted them to be). Unfortunately, as we found out, single branded PPVs tend to not sell well with the public. The average PPV watcher wants as many superstars and big time matches on the show as they are parting with $40 to watch it. Case in point: just wait and see when UFC 101's buyrate comes out. You know it's going to be nowhere near the 1.7 million that UFC100 did. UFC100 had a sure thing with the Lesnar/Mir match plus George St. Pierre in the undercard; UFC101 had none of that. Oh, but you guys are here for wrestling analogies. Okay, if you are bored, track the buyrates of the Smackdown PPVs under JBL. T'aint pretty.

From Rey, "totally agree on raw's main event scene. what is the point of a draft, when all the raw draft picks dont do anything?"

Well you shouldn't be complaining Rey as the WWE traded you back to Smackdown. Honestly, while Raw's draft picks have gotten the shaft, the guys on Smackdown and ECW aren't complaining.

From Irish Fan, "In regard to where i was going with this, I know that I will be cursed for saying this but right now what Raw needs is two of its top 3 or 4 guys to pick up long term injuries, as this is the only way real development happens these days.

One final note, considering Smackdown is going so well in his absence why is no considering the Deadman as a possible Raw roster candidate."

I definitely hate to say it but you are probably right regarding Raw. However, with both John Cena, Randy Orton, and Triple H succumbing to many injuries over the year, I'd really would hate to see it happen again. Plus, look what happens when they return – instant title reigns! As for the Deadman, the Undertaker is clearly happy being away from Triple H and Raw's politics. Throw in the fact that his fuck buddy Michelle McCool is on the blue brand and that he's only months away from squashing CM Punk, Dolph Ziggler, and his brother Kane, and there's no reason why would Taker leave his plum spot on Smackdown.

From Sam!, "One minor thing to add, also, is that the E seems hesitant to move any of the Cena/Orton/Triple H trio off of the "A" show, seeing it as a demotion. Yeah, Triple H spent almost a year on SD!, but it had the feel of him doing the show a favor by appearing. Plus by January he was all RAW all the time, brand split be damned. Cena is the franchise and won't be on SD! any time soon. Orton seems the most likely to make the switch, but even that is doubtful. So these guys are stuck on RAW, and if we want to watch RAW, then we're stuck watching them. All the more reason to do away with the brand split."

When I recently told my old college roommate how Triple H spent almost a year on Smackdown, he was legitimately taken aback. Triple H on Smackdown was a great move and I would love to see John Cena appear again on the blue brand.

As for ending the brand split, I am totally against that. Things would be much worse without a brand split. Imagine the Cena/HHH/Orton feud hyped over eight hours of TV a week! Because it seriously would happen.

From D, "The problem with the other main eventers, especially at RAW, is that they need to be kept in the title picture. Can you imagine a moment in the last two years that HHH wasn't near a title or a nr 1-contenders match? Or count the numbers that Batista was there.

And when they're not in the title picture, they get in horrible feuds where they're booked as superhumans (especially Cena). I dug a lot of Cena's matches when there was a title at stake (with Edge, with Jericho, with HHH), but i dispise the booking of SuperCena with people as JBL, Show or The Miz. The only time he was great (and when the match did have a bigmatch-feeling), was Cena vs Batistat at Summerslam last year."

Actually there was a time when Triple H wasn't near the title back in 2006/2007 during the epic DX vs. McMahons feud. Say what you will about DX squashing tons of up-and-comers but at least it keeps both men out of the title scene for a few months. And yes, I think we all would agree that SuperCena's act is SuperStale. However, it worked quite well for business when Hulk Hogan did it many moons ago.

From Col, "Another part I feel is that seeing as the WWE has made all its secondary titles worthless, there's usually nowhere for the top names to go outside of the main event unless they're injured."

Yup, all of the secondary titles are worthless thanks to the Attitude Era. Granted while Vince Russo did a good job at developing characters for the mid-carders, there were so many title changes that it killed any prestige that the titles had left. Oh and if you think that the Godfather's IC reign didn't kill the title, then the Alliance angle did when there were fifteen titles changing hands on a monthly basis!

This title discussion segues me into a reader email I received from Jef. Jef believes he has a good idea on how to make certain championships seem relevant again. From the email:

"People have a tendency to get on TNA for this as well, but TNA is actually in a position to do something about it: The Legends Title.

The Legends Championship has always been one of those made up belts that pissed me off because it was never defined (much like the Million Dollar Belt). I mean the U.S. Champ is the best wrestler in the United States, The World Champ is the best in the World. What is the Legends Title signify?

Where I'm getting at is I would have the following rules for the Legends Championship. You have to have wrestled for a minimum of ten years. and you had to have won a World title at LEAST twice, although you could put in the rule that if you've world multiple title before 10 years you could get into the Division. (You could make up a 'Championship committee' that could decide if you qualify for this Division.

Now you move all of the older wrestlers into that division. It gives you the following
* Jeff Jarrett
* Mick Foley
* Sting
* Kurt Angle
* Scott Steiner
* Booker T
* Kevin Nash
* AJ Styles (gets in because he won the NWA World title 3 times)

Now you have separated the older wrestlers from the younger up and coming stars and you still have a competitive division."

Jef, thanks for the email. While I like your idea of separating some of the older wrestlers from the younger guys, I do not think a total separation is necessary. By throwing all of the big names into the Legends division, it would totally overshadow the TNA Heavyweight Championship. Plus, what incentive would the Legends have to wrestle if they were not going for the title. Unless we are getting blood feuds monthly (which wouldn't be too bad), it would leave us with 8 guys and 1 match each PPV. Like the ECW Division!

One more piece of feedback to go. This one does not have to deal with my newspiece but rather my disappearance from the week before.

From Polish Post, "Seriously though, I was worried last week. Good to see Wilcox lit a fire under your ass. You think maybe he did write it, but it somehow got intercepted by Slimmer? That's gotta be it. That asshole! I call Shenanigans!!!"

I realize that you are a longtime fan of mine, PP, but please do not think that Wilcox lit a fire under my ass. All Wilcox did was no-show another opportunity for him. And really, he's out of opportunities. At one point, I really thought he would be a great 411 contributor but clearly that's not in the books. Speaking of lost opportunities, I must bring up Slimmer. Here's a guy who peaked over a year ago with his "Confetti" column. Yet, he kept on trucking for a while. And then he disappeared. We already covered this in depth with the Slimmer Watch but let's face it, Slimmer's a goner. Csonka might have fired him for all I know. And if that's the case, then he's gone for good. I mean, who's gonna save him?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Me?

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report nominated for a Teen's Choice Award, the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report. Unfortunately for all of my Smallophiles, I lost out to Mad Men. But why are they so mad? Anyway, in today's report, we having some breaking news on a monumental breakup and a whole lot of Biten' Newsbites!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

KAZAAM

Word around the WWE is that Shaq will be back for a sequel to his epic encounter with the Big Show. Currently, the plans are to book a Shaq vs. Show match at the upcoming three hour Raw in September.

Question: why isn't this being saved for PPV? The WWE already had the first encounter on television; why waste the match? Last week on the Conference Call, Vince McMahon stated that the company needs to do a better job at promoting their PPVs. Why let this meatball float away? Hell, if it was possible, SummerSlam would have been the best time to do the match. Clearly Cryme Tyme can wait on their WWE Tag Team Titles shot.

Of course, the big concern here is whether Shaq will be able to wrestle. The NBA season officially begins by late October so I do not know if the Cleveland Cavs or even the NBA will allow Shaq to wrestle so close to the start of the season. Granted it's better for Shaq to wrestle now rather than at WrestleMania (as the Cavs will be in the midst of the playoff race) but the timing is definitely a little off. Could Shaq's upcoming reality show "Shaq Vs." be used as part of this wrestling match? Perhaps, but I wouldn't say that a Shaq/Show match is a definite yet.

Hi, My Name Is… Crybaby

From the Wrestling Observer, "Dolph Ziggler was booked to win the Intercontinental Championship from Rey Mysterio at WWE's Night of Champions, however the idea overturned by Vince McMahon. Mysterio was unhappy at the prospect of dropping his title so quickly, especially after he had been promised a long stint without having to drop the belt so frequently.

Clearly Mysterio is bitter about his "epic" World Championship run from a few years back. I wonder why considering that he jobbed to everyone (SuperCena he wasn't) except for a rare PPV win over JBL. While I could see why Mysterio would be pissed about another short title reign, he really shouldn't derail Ziggler's push for his ego. Plus, this IC reign at least yielded a few keepers with Chris Jericho which is more than you can say about Rey's major title reign.

Half Baked

According to dot net, "Brian Kendrick did not ask for his release as he did during a previous stint with the company. Rather, WWE VP of talent relations John Laurinaitis cited the tough economy and delivered his usual lines about the creative team not having anything for Kendrick. Kendrick has been telling friends that it was implied to him that the only reason he lasted this long is because Pat Patterson liked him."

Of course, we all know what Johnny Ace said was bullshit. The fact of the matter is that the WWE was unhappy with Kendrick failing so many marijuana tests (he was #1 in the company) and that his "backstage attitude" was not great. Combining the two reasons you can see that the WWE hoped that his de-push would lead to him getting off the pot but rather it just made him unhappy backstage. As I've stated in the past, you can't blame the WWE here. Rather you can blame it on the ma-ma-maryjane.


If Kendrick doesn't return within three years, I'm calling Dominos.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Jack Swagger mentioned on Colorado radio that he will become the United States Championship at SummerSlam.

Jamacian Me Crazy, Jack Swagger! So I'm guessing that MVP will be jobbing next week.

NBC will run a WrestleMania 25 special on Saturday August 29th.

Good timing here as the special will run one week after SummerSlam. At least NBC will be happy that the special will do no worse than the last few episodes of "Kath and Kim."

Mike Adamle will be hosting the August 24th edition of Raw.

Just think it was only a year ago when Mike was appointed GM of Raw. I guess you can say there's been a slight improvement since then.

Ricky Ortiz was released.

What about the hair? The hair?

A heel vs. heel match? Only in Canada of course. The opening promo was fine but I hope no one really thinks that Chris Jericho is winning in Canada.

Uh, I think Sgt. Slaughter defeated the Ultimate Warrior to win the WWE Championship. But then again, I was like seven years old when that happened.

You know what would bring more interest to the Divas division – leaked boobie shots! Considering that both that chick from High School Musical 3 and that chick from Twilight showed off the goods via cell phone shots, it would be imperative for one of the Divas to do the same. Because there's no better publicity than tittie shots on Perez Hilton.

BTW, opening the match with 15 roll-ups is a surefire way to lose the crowd. Thank God for Beth Phoenix's immense strength to draw fans back into it.

Okay, this women's match is a mess. From the rollups to both heels selling Kelly Kelly's weak offense to Kelly Kelly doing high risk moves to Alicia Fox giving Beth Phoenix an abortion, this match sure is strange. But I love it!

Who's great idea was to book Sgt. Slaughter as the guest host in Canada? Mike Adamle? And now he's cutting a heel promo on the crowd. See this is what Jeremy Piven needed to do last week instead of playing to the crowd before doing an awful heel turn. Just go all out with it like the Sarge!

Yes, we are back to normal with Jack Swagger. Let's see if Evan Bourne is squashed for another week. Yup, there's the squash. And where's MVP to help out his homeboy? Oh there he is. And look at this, they are actually building a match between the two. And it was a damn good segment. Yes Virigina, there is mild elevation this week.

Lame Triple H comedy! And why is HBK a butcher? Is it because at one time he loves meat? Allegedly.

Oh man, this show is dying a really painful death. Can we please bring back Shaq? And will Sgt. Slaughter vs. Canada wind up on the SummerFest card?

A WWE Contract on a Pole match? Featuring Eugene and some jobber? Why do we complain about TNA so much? Surprisingly the Calgary Kid is Jeff Jarrett! Or the Miz. Eh, that wasn't so bad after all.

I have to say I was surprised by the quality of match between Big Show and Randy Orton. The DDT into the ring was quite nice. Of course, the countout win does nothing to help either man as Orton's looked like a pussy since feuding with Shane O Mac while the Big Show is being saved for a match with Shaq. Since there was no good way to end the match, why did they book it in the first place?

And more lame DX comedy!

Wow, MVP got a clean win over Chris Masters. He really needed it considering he's been made to look like a pussy since coming over to Raw. Double Wow, the WWE actually books two segments on the MVP/Jack Swagger feud. This should really lead to a match at SummerSlam but I have a feeling it will be blown off next week on Raw.

Sure it would be universally shitted on but I would mark if Dr. Ken interferes and costs John Cena his chance at the title at SummerSlam.

SummerFest? Hickenbottom? An old lady wanting fellatio! Child abuse! OMG DX is full of insider and edgy jokes.

You'd think that Canada would stop falling victim to the Sarge's jokes. Didn't they get a sense a humor in the South Park movie? Anyway, kudos to the WWE for tricking me as I was expecting Lance Storm to make a quick cameo appearance.

And here's an easy way of killing Mark Henry's push – have him dance around with Hornswoggle. Because it worked so well for Finlay.

Good win for Legacy as they have looked stronger in the past two weeks than in the last eleven months. Too bad all of this momentum will end at Summerslam against DX.

Punk vs. Morrison on Smackdown! Looks like I shall be on Hulu this weekend.

I don't think anyone would have expected the John Cena/Chris Jericho match to end clean. And predictably a Cena & Orton vs. Jericho & Big Show tag team is announced for next week. However, the FURKO was the sickest thing I've seen and here's hoping someone puts Chris Jericho's neck back together!

Seriously I hope someone finds a gif of that FURKO as it was easily the best thing on Raw this week. Other positives are the building of the future Swagger/MVP match and the return of the Miz. That's about it as even with the inclusion of Jericho & Big Show in the main event scene, it still does not seem fresh. Perhaps that's because Jericho & Show are also all over Smackdown. Oh and the less said about DX's return, the better.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Epic Breakup

From Gerweck, "Hurricane Helms hinted on his Facebook that he and TNA Knockout Velvet Sky are no longer an item. He also wrote on his Twitter: "All good things come to an end."

Clearly this is a terrible day for Hurricane Helms. For the rest of us, it's a glorious day as Velvet Sky is single and looking. While the reason for the breakup is not known, we can all assume that Jeff Jarrett has something to do with it. In celebration for this grand occasion, I shall post my favorite Velvet Sky picture. NSFW or something like that:



Helms, you poor, poor man, I'm just saying.

(Editor's Note: I almost posted an image of Lady Gaga's penis as a joke. Too bad it wouldn't have made it past the censors.)

You Better Recognize Who the Hell Are Champs!

From dot net, "New Japan Pro Wrestling is officially recognizing The British Invasion as the IWGP Tag Champions, according to Puroresufan.com. The promotion previously did not recognize the title change that took place on TNA television. However, they have changed their tune, as they now list the British Invasion as the 53rd tag team champions."

I'm guessing that this shenanigan will make NJPW wary about sharing their championship belts with TNA in the future. Considering that the British Invasion does not mean shit in Japan, I would safely guess that Team 3D will be winning the titles back soon. When's the next TNA PPV by the way?


COMING ATTRACTIONS

With a work obligation next Monday, I will be writing next week's Small-For-All early. Because of this, expect lots of pictures, silly jokes, and well no Raw Recap. While I hate writing the SFA over the weekend, it sure beats Wilcox no-showing again. In two weeks, things will be back to normal and perhaps I'll find a place to hide Lady Gaga's penis. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!