The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 08.18.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 08.18.2009

Fake Tans, Why Linda McMahon is Qualified for Congress, Domestic Disturbance Starring Kurt Angle and John Travolta's Fat Head, Raw's Upcoming Guest Hosts, Matt Hardy's Silly Blog, and Scott D'Amore's TNA Return!

After this weekend at the Jersey shore, I have newfound respect for Matt Hardy and all professional wrestlers that choose to use spray tan in a can. Sure spray tan in a can seems like a cop-out to spending endless time either soaking up the sun's rays or even hanging out at your favorite SuperTan, but honestly, it's really not a bad idea. While I have never used spray tan in a can yet, I will try it out in the future. It sure beats my alternative.

Even though I will never post a picture of myself on here, I will let you know that my skin is akin in burning when in the sun. Yet every year I decide that I must make the best of my situation by subjecting myself to the sun's rays. Even with barely any base, I decided that SPF15 plus a magical dab (or should I say glob) of Maui Babe Browning Lotion would increase my chances of a nice tan. Now if you have never used Maui Babe Browning Lotion, I definitely recommend it. Not only does it claim that it is the safest, fastest, and most beautiful tan on Earth, it also makes you smell like coffee. Yes, ever want to smell like Dunkin Donuts without having to work there? Well, if so, buy Maui Babe Browning Lotion! Anyway, I failed to read the part of the instructions (ha, like I read manuals), where it states that you should wait ten minutes between applying the SPF and the Browning Lotion. Alas, I looked and felt like this man:



Four hours later, I accomplished my goal – I was now browner than UPS. In addition to my awesomely mocha skin, I had a nice suburn from my face through my upper back. Even though Maui Babe could not mask my burn, it does have aloe in it. For the upcoming week, I shall be a walking Starbucks. Don't hate kids, I'm burnt enough, I'm tan enough, and gosh darn it, people read me!

Plus, it sure beats me purchasing a Sonnenbraune 844!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

What would brown do for you?

Yes, yes…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Welcome back to the only news report that's more hidden than Lady Gaga's penis – the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report. And yes, I closed out last week with a Lady Gaga penis reference and immediately I keep the pressure on this week! Perhaps I have penis envy on my mind. Or better yet Venus envy – because hey, if the WWE can hire and fire Eugene within a week, they sure as hell can bring back Chief Morely for a one night stand. In today's news report, we take a look at Domestic Disturbance, a criminally underrated movie, and also Head of State, a movie so farfetched and unrealistic for many reasons including BG James, TNA World Heavyweight Champion. What, you thought I'd say a Black President?

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Head of State

From WWE.com, "Linda McMahon, CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, is considering a run for the United States Senate representing the state of Connecticut. Should she decide to run, Linda would step down as CEO, and Vince McMahon would assume the duties of CEO in addition to his current position as WWE Chairman."

This isn't Linda's first foray into politics as earlier this year she was appointed to the Connecticut Board of Education. Even so, many of her critics (liberals) state that she does not have any experience to run for the US Senate. As the leader of the Small-For-All Universe, I am appalled by that statement and am here today to disprove the belief that she has no experience. Take a look…

Family Values

Even after her rebellious daughter slapped her, Linda has shown Stephanie love countless amounts of times. She even threw in the towel for Stephanie after her husband choked out her daughter with a large steel rod. Would Stephanie be able to speak today if Linda did not do the right thing?

Linda joined her family in prayer at WrestleMania 22 where she hoped that her husband would be victorious against Shawn Michaels.

Hard Justice

After learning of her husband Vince's alleged affair with a woman who produced his bastard son Hornswoggle, Linda kicked Vince out of her home. And unlike 50% of Americans, Linda took her husband back as she does not believe in divorce. What a woman.

After waking up from a very long sedation, Linda got revenge on her husband by kicking him in his grapefruits. Because of this swift kick of justice, her son Shane acquired his very own business – WcW. Unfortunately this did not turn out any better than most kids' lemonade stands.

Making Tough Decisions

Due to Eric Bischoff's abuse of power in 2003, Linda McMahon hired the only person that could keep him fair and honest – Sheriff Stone Cold Steve Austin. And when that didn't work, she hired Outside Consultant Mick Foley. And when that didn't work, she just fired Eric Bischoff.

Linda was able to keep her company from going under when an insurgent group known as the Alliance rebelled against the WWE. And after burying the Alliance, Linda was successful against an attack known as the NWO. Thank God for Kevin Nash and his quads.

Linda reinstated Mick Foley in order to give him his dream opportunity – a chance at main eventing WrestleMania. Who says dreams can't come true?



How dare those evil hippie liberal douches think that Linda is not qualified for a job in the Senate! Clearly they have never dealt with an adulterous husband, spoiled brats that she calls children, insurgent rebel groups, Eric Bischoff, black people, and most importantly, the WWE Universe!

Santino Marella, come on down…

From Variety (seemingly the only media source that cares about this), "Upcoming booked talent includes former gameshow host Bob Barker, the Rev. Al Sharpton, "Access Hollywood" co-host Nancy O'Dell, boxer Floyd Mayweather and basketball player LeBron James. Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz, Ashlee Simpson, the Osbournes, Danny DeVito, Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa, Jimmy Fallon, Rachael Ray, MC Hammer, Woody Harrelson, Serena Williams and Ashton Kutcher also are in talks for hosting gigs."

Even though a few of the guest GMs have bombed, overall, the Saturday Night Live approach to Raw has at least given the WWE extra media attention. If only creative would realize that while the guests are fun, they still need to properly book a PPV. But that's been covered far too often…

Judging from the updated list, there are a few that would make killer guest hosts. If LeBron James were to host Raw, they could easily have a Jericho & Big Show vs. LeBron & Shaq tag match that would actually draw ratings and possibly huge buyrates (if they pay David Stern and the Cavs a crapload of money). And seeing how someone like Pacman Jones could be a former tag team champion, who knows who would really win that encounter?

In addition, I think everyone would love Bob Barker as host. Unlike Jeremy Piven who failed at bedding any of the WWE Divas, everyone knows Bob Barker has a way with beauties. Furthermore, if Bob Barker were to host , 411's own Stephen Randle has decided to allow his cat Buddy to be neutered. Think of all the great publicity that 411 would receive when Randle hands his cat over to the man who thought of Plinko, Cliffjumpers, and Squeeze Game.

Lastly, I think the Osbournes would totally fit in well with the WWE Universe. They might need a 30 second delay though for that show.

And hey with success like Jeremy Piven had with the Goods, I bet many movie stars are just lining up to be a part of Raw. (And yes that was sarcasm.)

Cryptic Comments with Matt Hardy

From Hardy's WWE Universe blog, ""There's much more to this story than you'll ever know.. for now. I know several people are doubting my sincerity, and some people are ecstatic that Jeff and I seem to be back on good terms. I know I have a lot of explaining and convincing to do in the very near future. And I will be happy to open up and tell everyone the "REAL" story behind our sibling rivalry. The last year of my life is movie-worthy. Buckle up and get ready for the ride, because as of yesterday, The Hardys are back in business!"

Here's what's doesn't make sense to me – Jeff Hardy has not signed anything stating that he will be in the WWE after SummerSlam. But judging from the above, it really seems as a storyline is in place for the Hardys. Considering that next week is a six man match that's being used to hype the Summerslam TLC match, I doubt there will be any time for Matt Hardy to speak on his Hollywood story. Unfortunately, this just looks as most of Matt's posts do – a lot of hype with a little substance. That said, I am hoping that Matt stays face as he's much better at it, he can be involved in a readymade feud with CM Punk, and Jeff Hardy won't look like Sting when Hardy turns on him again at SummerSlam.

Biten' Newsbites

The Great Khali and Chris Jericho are signed on to appear in the MacGruber SNL Movie.

Next week, I should have my recently completed interview with the Great Khali where we touch upon his movie career and his upcoming Summerslam match with Kane!

ECW GM Tiffany is currently dating main roster reject Drew McIntyre.

Well it's not on the level of Stephanie McMahon, but kudos to you Drew McIntrye!

Eugene was released. Seriously.

Someone should have told him not to go full retard.




Unfortunately no Raw coverage from me this week. This report was completed by 1PM Eastern Time so if anything earth shattering happens on Raw, it will be up to Sullivan to cover it. With that said, here are my predictions for this week's Raw.

Too much of this:



Not enough of this:



And definitely, definitely, not enough of these two men:



Honestly, if half the show is not spent covering the return of DX, I will be extremely… fucking happy I did not have to watch this show!

HUZZAH.

NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Domestic Disturbance

Big shit poppin over the weekend kids. From the main page, "According to a criminal report filed in Pittsburgh on Saturday, Kurt Angle has been arrested and is currently in the Allegheny County Jail. There was an altercation at the home of Kurt Angle involving Angle and girlfriend Trenesha Biggers, aka TNA's Rhaka Khan. Biggers went to police and filed a protection from abuse order against Angle, and police came and removed Angle from the home this morning.

At around 8AM, Biggers called police again, stating that Angle was stalking her. She had gone to a Starbucks to use the internet, and told police that Angle had her phone and had been circling the parking lot. She claimed Angle was deleting photos from the phone, which were described as "pictures of abuse".

Angle was questioned by police, and was suspected of driving on a suspended license because of a DUI, and when they searched the vehicle, they found used syringes and two vials of HGH. Angle claimed that he had a prescription for the medication, and could provide that to police.

Angle is currently awaiting arraignment on the following charges:

* Driving while operating privileges suspended
* Prohibited acts
* Possession
* Harassment "

I really hate to jump to conclusions (like I don't do that enough) but it really does not look good for Kurt Angle. His triple threat match at Hard Justice was the least of his problems this past weekend as he most certainly could be looking at jail time in the upcoming months. I really do not have anything to comment about the abuse as if true, that's really fucked up. It's really unsettling that abuse has been linked a few times with wrestlers. You'd think they would get all of their aggression out in the ring but some of them just can't seem to be able to handle anything without resorting to violence. It's really a shame.

As far as Angle's possession of HGH, is this really much of a surprise? While Angle looks a ton better than he did at his breaking point in the WWE, it's extremely difficult for those addicted to a life of pain pills, steroids, and pressure to come fully clean. Does Angle have a valid prescription for the medication? I guess we will have to wait and see.

As for the people condemning TNA for having Angle retain yesterday, let's wait until the upcoming taping spoilers to see what TNA plans to do with their champion. TNA was stuck between a rock and a hard place over the weekend and could not change the championship match. Well, they could have but then the 5,000 people ordering the show might have been unhappy. Neither Sting nor Matt Morgan was deserving of the belt so I wasn't 100% disgusted with TNA's actions. Remember when the WWE had to deal with RVD's suspension, they were able to book any match they wanted on Raw and ECW. TNA already had an advertised match in place. However, if the company proceeds to go along as if nothing has happened, well then, I think we all have the right to throw a fit.

Here's hoping that Kurt Angle receives the help that he needs. And if he needs to walk away from wrestling for good, then that's what should happen. We should all be thankful that this ended as a domestic dispute and not anything worse.

Not Everything's Happy in Dixieland

From the Torch, "News of Scott D'Amore returning to TNA Wrestling has not been well received by all in the locker room. While D'Amore is widely praised for his work as an agent for the Knockouts division, he also has a negative reputation for being a political power player. The D'Amore return appears to be evidence of Dixie Carter acting more independently than in the past, as a TNA source says that numerous people advised her against re-hiring D'Amore."

I wonder what sort of leash Dixie will have D'Amore on. While he did great work with the Knockouts (though really is it that tough to book Awesome Kong as a monster and Gail Kim as a hot piece of ass), I was not a fan of his interference in many matches during that time. Seriously, Team Canada was a nice stable, but who really received a good push from it? With all of the backstage drama already happening in TNA, I am not sure how D'Amore will co-exist with the locker room or even the creative team. But that's what's going to make TNA fun for the next few months. Oh and Scott, good luck building a credible division around Cody Deaner!

Seriously, you have Awesome Kong, Tara, Alissa Flash, Sarita, and the Beautiful People on the roster and you decide to book Cody Deaner to win the Knocksout Title! And only a few months after the WWE were ridiculed for the entire Santina angle. C'mon here TNA, it really doesn't have to be this hard.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Yes, this week's Small-For-All is a tad shorter than other weeks. However, it's not always about the length of the report, but how much it stimulates you before finishing. Next week, the Khali-For-All returns with an interview with the Punjabi Prince! Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!