The Contentious Ten 8.24.09: The Top Ten Worst Dressed

Posted by John Peters on 08.24.2009

This week The Contentious Ten nitpicks the worst wrestling costumes in history. From blue gladiators to guys with bare asses to fat guys in ugly tights… oh wait, this little blurb is supposed to make you want to read the column, not repulse you…uh...there’s a pretty cool (well, not really) robot costume!!! What if I just beg?

Top Ten Comments

10. You really believe that the fans were chanting "Superfly" during the HHH-Mankind match? I know Ross said they were, but that doesn't mean they were
Posted By: JWestmoreland (Guest) on August 16, 2009 at 11:48 PM

Last week I pulled all of the images off of the SummerSlam DVD set, so I watched that part of the match. It wasn't super loud, but they were definitely chanting "Superfly." The sound on the YouTube video didn't pick it up very well.



9. The infamous "Owen Hart piledriving Stone Cold" moment was especially memorable and significant.
Posted By: WadeMcG (Guest) on August 17, 2009 at 03:34 AM

I thought about including that particular moment. It was, like you said, memorable and significant. The thing I didn't like about it was that in many ways it is a terrible moment. Austin could have been paralyzed, and to this day suffers from neck problems that were so bad that the guy can't even have a real farewell match.



8. No love for the Bret/Owen cage match from 1994? It's only probably the best cage match in the WWF/E's history.
Posted By: Scott (Guest) on August 17, 2009 at 11:09 AM

I absolutely love that match, but picking a particular moment out of it to call one of the greatest SummerSlam moments of all time would have been really difficult. I think the ending is the best finish to a cage match ever. Both guys on the outside of the cage, just feet from the floor, it was impossible to tell who was going to win. I suppose that's a pretty cool moment, and could have made the list.



7. I find it odd that Hogan does not figure into any of the Top Ten moments... I'm not complaining, I just find it odd.
Posted By: Dragon (Guest) on August 17, 2009 at 11:49 AM

You know, only slightly more impressive than the Undertaker's WM win streak is Hogan's Summerslam winning streak, and you do not have him anywhere on there!
Bow your head in shame!
Posted By: Mike (Guest) on August 17, 2009 at 03:26 PM

Wow, I didn't even realize the list was Hoganless until these commenters pointed it out. When I think about it though, where would Hogan fit in? None of his tag matches (88, 89, 91) produced what I would call big moments. His return against Earthquake in 1990 could have maybe counted for something, but once again, I didn't see any huge moment in that match. The only other options are his match with Michaels or his match with Orton. His match with Orton sucked, and his match with Michaels was pretty good, but I guess I just didn't find an iconic SummerSlam moment.



6. RANDY ORTON..youngest world champion...that deserves a spot on the list
Posted By: Guest#9468 (Guest) on August 17, 2009 at 01:31 PM

That was an interesting moment, but I think the fact that he went nowhere fast after winning the belt caused me not to include it.



5. According to Bret Hart's book, Lawler was so hated at the time, while the referees were supposed to be breaking the Sharpshooter, they were really pushing into Bret to make Lawler hurt more.
Posted By: Robin (Guest) on August 21, 2009 at 07:37 PM

I forgot about that. That's funny. I wonder why they hated Lawler so much.



4. Why is HBK's return only #4! The guy returned after 4 years due to a career ending back injury and he tore the fucking house down with HHH (who was never the same after his quad injury) not to mention he's still wrestling today. That match was not only Summerslam's Greatest moment, but is a divine miracle!
Posted By: The Voices In Your Head (Guest) on August 16, 2009 at 11:23 PM

The reason I put it at number 4 IS because he still wrestles today. I'm not taking anything away from him, but the match was kind of built up like it was his final match; his last hurrah. The fact that it wasn't kind of saps some of the meaning from it for me.



3. I like the idea for this list. It's cool to single out these specific moments because the ability to do so is proof that the storylines behind them have succeeded.
It's a good list, but I would have removed Shane's big bump and the Hart breaking choice and replaced them with Jake Roberts crashes the Savage wedding and Paul Bearer turns on The Undertaker. I'm on the fence about the Jericho/Michaels angle. It was a big deal, but mostly just because it was clear that Rebecca legitimately took the punch, which was kind of a cheap move for heat in hindsight. I might replace it with Flair's bloody victory over Mick Foley. There have been many times during the latter portion of Flair's career where he's been made to look like a joke, but that match brought back the hardcore Flair who'd spent 1989 kicking Terry Funk's ass, especially when Flair wouldn't let them wheel Foley away and dumped him off the stretcher to continue beating him into submission.
Posted By: Lance O' Leary (Guest) on August 17, 2009 at 02:07 AM

You made some good suggestions. If Jake Roberts and The Undertaker crashing the Savage wedding party would have actually been broadcast on SummerSlam I would have included it on the list. Unfortunately it wasn't. I never really thought Paul Bearer's turn on the Undertaker was all that great, but I thought a lot about including it. Finally, I really found the Flair vs. Foley match to be disappointing. It was cool how Flair, realizing he would never get Foley to actually quit, decided to attack Melina to get Foley to quit, but it was kind of a cheep way to win a match. Those were all good suggestions though.



2. the warrior?!?!?!?!? and we're marks foreading this crap? and then above hart/bulldog, hands down the greatest summerslam (and ic title) match of all time. this was a comedy match. dont give up your day job
Posted By: harley r (Guest) on August 17, 2009 at 12:46 AM

A few people really didn't like the Warrior vs. Honky Tonk Man match, this is just one of those comments. The truth is, I found it really hard to rank some of the moments. Warrior vs. Honky just made number one by elimination. It's just one of those truly famous moments in wrestling history. That's why I put it at number 1.

Tom rebuts,

1. Actually, Warrior squashing Honky Tonk Man was one of the greatest payoffs EVER. Absolutely deserving of the number 1 spot.
Posted By: Tom (Guest) on August 17, 2009 at 01:36 AM

A few people really liked the Warrior vs. Honky Tonk Man match at number 1. Of course if I had been doing a Top 10 Matches, this wouldn't have made the cut. Nevertheless it was interesting to see the different opinions.


This week's column is a significantly lighter than any of my previous columns. Recently my mom came for a visit. That means TLC and HGTV were constantly on my TV for about a week. Well, after seeing about fifty "What Not to Wear" makeovers, I got to thinking about some of the absolute worst costumes, or wrestling attire that I could remember. With bad costumes comes bad gimmicks, however, this is not a worst gimmicks list despite the fact that there are some abysmal gimmicks discussed. There are hundreds of wrestling outfits that could have made this list, so while I think this list is a pretty good and thorough registry of some of the worst costumes, I'm sure I missed several really awful ones. Additionally I tried not to include outfits that were really bad but fit the gimmick, like Duke Drose, The Spirit Squad, The Goon, or Goldust, but it some cases it was simply unavoidable.



Dishonorable Mentions



The Shockmaster

Silvery, sparkly, Star Wars Storm Trooper helmet. That's really all that needs to be said about the poor old Shockmaster. If you somehow don't know the story of The Shockmaster, go to YouTube and simply type in his name for one of funniest, and saddest, wrestling bloopers of all time. The reason Shocky only gets a dishonorable mention is because he didn't wrestle in any of the goofy crap he debuted in.




The Mean Street Posse

Nothing says "badass" like a yellow sweater vest. I know that the Posse (Pete Gass, Rodney, and Joey Abs) weren't supposed to be tough, so the whole polo shirt, sweater vest, khaki pants thing fit their gimmick, but that's what these guys wrestled in! Couldn't they have at least let them change clothes when they were in an actual match? Even Shane McMahon (their friend) got to take off the suit when it came time to wrestle.




The New Rockers

I have to say that I'm giving the original Rockers a bit of a pass here, as at least their attire fit their gimmick, and at the time it didn't seem so bad. It took Marty Jannetty and Lief Cassidy (Al Snow) to show up in the mid 90s wearing Rockers' outfits from the late 80s to see how atrocious and gaudy they were. The gimmick seemed to somehow fit Cassidy, because he had a strange persona. However, Jannetty just looked sad rolling around in a Rockers outfit when at the same time his former partner was WWF Champion.



The Dungeon of Doom

My God, where do I start? I could do a top ten using just Dungeon of Doom members. Let's start with the Yeti. Maybe if someone in WCW asked "what's a yeti?" they wouldn't have dressed a guy they wanted to name "The Yeti" up in a giant mummy costume. Seriously, how do you confuse the concept of a mummy and a yeti? Then there's Loch Ness, another mythical monster. His attire wasn't all that great, but it wasn't as bad as some of the other members. Additionally you had some other wrestlers like Kamala, Avalanche/The Shark (Earthquake) who had painted on shark teeth on his face, and The Zodiac (more on him later). However, the leader of the whole motley crew, Kevin Sullivan looked pretty ridiculous himself, in his hideous yellow cape, red tights with lightning bolts, and absurd painted on eyebrows. Overall the Dungeon of Doom had to have been the biggest collection of the dumbest looking wrestlers ever assembled, and what's worse is that the entire Dungeon (the whole damn lot of them) battled Hulk Hogan in main events for over a year.


The Top Ten Worst Dressed


X



Repo Man

Saying nothing of the gimmick, The Repo Man has got to be the worst getup Barry Darsow has ever wrestled in. That's saying a lot, seeing as the guy also wrestled as mean trucker Blacktop Bully, and as himself as a golf enthusiast. There are a few things that make this outfit really bad. First there is the word "REPO" spelled out on the back of his oversized gray coat made out of trimmed license plates. Then there is the actual tire tread on the shoulders and elbows of the coat. At least he took off the coat when he wrestled, but he had the same tire tread on his kneepads, that seems like it could have been potentially dangerous. His gray tights were covered in white tire tracks. Was it supposed to look like he had been run over by a car? All of this stuff is pretty awful, but the worst part of the costume has got to be the "Lone Ranger" mask.



It's not like I don't get it, a repo man repossess items people can no longer afford, the most frequent of which are probably cars, so the car-related-attire makes sense (it's still ugly). However, a repo man is a legal profession so the old-timey bank robber mask doesn't make any sense. The Repo Man was introduced to the WWF audience by Ted DiBiase to repossess the Million Dollar Belt from Virgil. After that goal was achieved Repo Man began wrestling full time and, surprisingly lasted for over two years before leaving the WWF. He spent most of his time jobbing, but did get a few pay per view matches out of the gimmick.



IX



Mortis

This was originally going to be a double entry including Mortis's most hated enemy: Glacier, but once Sub-Zero, I mean Glacier took off all of his armor, his wrestling attire was pretty tame. Mortis, on the other hand, looked pretty foolish all of the time. Like so many of the other entries on this list Chris Kanyon's awful costume was a result of an equally awful gimmick. I guess WCW decided a video game character like Glacier needed a video game enemy, so Kanyon, as Mortis, became the Scorpion (or maybe Reptile) to Glacier's Sub-Zero. The main feature of the costume was skulls. He had skulls on his knee pads, a skull on the belt of his tights, a belt with multiple skulls he would wear on the way to the ring, skulls on his gloves, giant shoulder pads made out of skulls that held on a cape, a wand with a skull in a jester's cockscomb, and of course, a skull mask. In addition to all of the skulls were the faux-rib bones on his green and black tights. Honestly, the costume looked like it would have made a pretty cool Halloween costume, but as wrestling outfit, it just looked funny. The biggest problem with it was Mortis was supposed to be intimidating and psychological, like The Undertaker, but what made The Undertaker intimidating wasn't his garb, but his demeanor, the emotionless expression on his face and his methodical way of destroying his opponents. Instead they put a Haloween/video game costume on Kanyon and expected that to work out just fine. Well it didn't, it backfired and Mortis became a joke, and that probably had a lot more to do with the hokey getup than the wrestler in the hokey getup.




VIII



Aldo Montoya

It could have been worse for the future Justin Credible, with a nickname like the "Portuguese Man O' War," the WWF could of made him look like a jellyfish. Instead they just gave Aldo Montoya an ugly set of tights and a silly mask. In all actuality Aldo Montoya looked like a really lame Portuguese version of Captain America. His tights featured the red and green colors of the Portuguese flag in a diamond like pattern and had the Portuguese seal on them. I'm not trying to pick on Portugal or their flag, but Christmas colored tights don't exactly scream "tough pro wrestler." The tights themselves weren't so bad, but they were accented by yellow Speedo style trunks and yellow boots, upping the goofy factor significantly. Additionally, the puffy wristbands almost put the ensemble over the top. However, all of this would be easy to forget if it weren't for the matching yellow mask. Some have likened the mask to a bright yellow jockstrap, a description I won't refute, but the real problem with the mask is that it just looks really, really goofy. It looks like it's a size too big for his face, it accents the mini-fro he has growing on the top of his head, makes his ears stick out, and has a dorky looking chinstrap. In addition to all of this, Montoya also had oversized green and yellow shoulder pads he wore on the way to the ring. Despite the awful costume Aldo got a bit of a push upon his arrival in the WWF, and was even one of the first wrestlers to have ring pyro. A few months after his debut he started jobbed almost exclusively.




VII



Max Moon

It might be surprising to learn that Max Moon was not another terrible gimmick dreamed up by Vince McMahon. Rather, it was Konnan, the wrestler who played Max Moon, who came up with the idea. He had been on a tour of Japan and saw all sorts of robots, and thought the idea of a wrestling robot or space man would be a marketable gimmick. The WWF bought into the idea and spent around $1,300 for a space-age suit. What they got was a powder blue bodysuit, accented by pink and yellow circuit designs, with a bunch of foam tubing on it. The outfit was topped off with a blue mask, complete with fake hair, and a pair of arm cannons that shot little rockets, and confetti and smoke. Even in the land of wrestling police officers, Mounties, tugboat captains, repo men, Vikings, and clowns, Max Moon was more than the WWF audience could stomach. Fortunately for Konnan he had a disagreement with McMahon over his contract status, and left the WWF before he embarrassed himself too much in the ludicrous costume. You would think that would have been the end of Max Moon, but the WWF had spent so much money on the suit that they found another wrestler – Paul Diamond – to play the role. You know a gimmick is pretty bad when you can simply switch the wrestler playing it and no one really notices. At least Diamond's Max Moon got an Intercontinental Title shot against Shawn Michaels on the first episode of Monday Night Raw. The only things that keep this terribly stupid costume from dropping lower on the list are, the fact that it was very short lived, and the fact that it fit the gimmick of the character.




VI



Faarooq Asad

What happens when you take the first ever African-American World Champion and cross him with a Roman gladiator, and put him in a helmet that resembles Marvin the Martian's? You get Faarooq Asad! Luckily for Ron Simmons this phase of his career was pretty short lived, but holy shit, for a while he looked really stupid. Upon his WWF debut he singled out Intercontinental Champion, Ahmed Johnson, for attack, seemingly because he the only other major black wrestler in the promotion. The most memorable thing about his debut wasn't the attack though, it was the way Faarooq was dressed. He was wearing a "V" shaped black singlet, and an almost teal blue belt with Roman gladiator-like, or soldier-like tassets hanging down from it. The only problem was that the tassets were way too small and too few, so that, combined with tight teal blue wristbands and the tight bands just above his biceps made the costume look about two sizes too small. Instead of making him look muscular the outfit just made him look like a fat ass. The coup-de-grace was the moronic matching blue (sometimes silver) helmet he had to wear. The thing looked like it was made (and probably was) out of pliable foam so that it would be safe for him to wrestle in, but it just added to the cheaper than a WalMart Halloween costume look of the outfit. There's no doubt that Faarooq was supposed to be a badass. He took out the very popular and very well built Ahmed Johnson, and was paired up with Sunny, one of the best managers the WWF had at the time. However, he was, thanks to the costume and Roman trumpet flairs he had for entrance music, impossible to take seriously. A few months later they changed up his look, and gimmick and changed it to that of an angry African-American militant group leader. While slightly controversial Simmons at least was able to make that gimmick work, whereas had he stayed as Faarooq the blue gladiator his career would have probably died a slow, humiliating death.


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V



Zodiac and The Booty Man

He was never an awesome wrestler, but as Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, Ed Leslie at least had a decent gimmick and was able to connect with fans. In addition, Beefcake received a sustained push, often teaming with Hulk Hogan, and most likely would have been Intercontinental Champion in 1990 had he not been injured in a parasailing mishap. By 1993 Beefcake returned and even got a place in one half of the WrestleMania IX double main event, tagging with Hogan against Money Incorporated. When Hogan joined WCW it was only natural that Leslie would come along for the ride. What wasn't natural were some of the gimmicks he had to portray, and by proxy some of the outfits he had to wear. Since Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake was trademarked by the WWF, he struggled to find a gimmick that really worked for him. First he was Brother Bruti, then he was "The Butcher" when he turned on Hogan. However after that he got amnesia and was corrupted by Kevin Sullivan and became the Zodiac, who only said the words "yes," and "no." Zodiac wore black and white face paint that looked like it had been applied by a little kid playing with Halloween makeup, as there was little rhyme nor reason to the designs, and the goofiness of the makeup was accentuated by his wild teased hair. The face paint was bad enough, but the real kicker of the costume were the pants. The picture above illustrates what they looked like better than I could ever describe, but they looked like something you expect to see on only the most stereotypical depictions of an ostentatious gay stripper; and even the most ostentatious, stereotypical gay stripper might think they are a little too ridiculous. Now in the getup's defense, I'm not sure he actually wrestled in those tights, but the fact that he wore them is bad enough.





After the Zodiac had run its course you would think Leslie would have been rewarded with something respectable, but he was saddled with another outlandish gimmick, with a costume that was arguably just as silly – The Booty Man. I'll tell you, if you want to try to find some more pictures of this outfit either wait until you get home from work or be sure to include "WCW" in your Google search, as the image results aren't exactly work safe. Predating WWF's Mr. Ass by a few years, The Booty Man was simply a wrestler who was obsessed with his own ass, and was paired up with "The Booty Babe" Kimberly Page. He would strut to the ring to what sounded like a ripoff of KC and the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty," shaking his ass all the while. The picture doesn't do it justice, but as "The Barber," Beefcake would often have chunks of his tights cut out to play up the madman with a scissors part of his gimmick. Well this took the idea to the next level, and the two chunks of fabric that happened to be missing were chunks over his right and left ass cheeks. Now, WCW didn't want a bunch of complaints so they made him wear flesh colored tights on underneath the other tights. Nevertheless, the pseudo-bare ass out fit was pretty damn awful.




IV



Dusty Rhodes (WWF Style)

What the hell were they thinking? The WWF got a bona-fide main eventer, who already had a good gimmick and they dressed him up like a polka-dotted bumblebee! Although the common line of thought concerning Rhodes's ridiculous black and yellow polka-dot outfit is that Vince McMahon thought it up as a way to humiliate Dusty Rhodes. However, Rhodes, in his own autobiography, explained how he and Pat Patterson came up with the idea, and how it was also their idea to team him up with Sapphire. After it somehow clicked, McMahon continuously convinced Rhodes to stick with it. Unfortunately the black and yellow cow outfit and alliance with Sweet Sapphire turned Rhodes into a clown. It is just impossible to take a fat man in a black wife-beater with yellow polka-dots seriously. His frantic search for Sapphire at SummerSlam 1990 was simply comical, his promos on the Randy Savage and Ted DiBiase laughable, and in the ring all of his already silly moves and mannerisms looked even more foolish, all because he was a nearly 400 pound man dressed in fucking polka-dots, and it's not like polka-dots are slimming in any way. Even his kneepads and headband were polka-dotted! Fortunately for him, Rhodes was able to recover from the, what had to be, humiliating experience when he returned to WCW.




III



Bastion Booger

I don't know if Dusty Rhodes's WWF outfit was designed to accentuate his weight problem, but Mike Shaw's costume as Bastion Booger definitely was. Booger's gimmick was that he was a fat ass, disgusting, gluttonous, slob, who would stuff his face with junk food on the way to the ring. The truth is that he ended up getting more on his face than he actually got in his mouth, but that was the point. There wasn't a whole lot to the Bastion Booger costume, but that too was the point. The costume was basically a giant pair of gray Speedo style trunks that thankfully covered a significant amount of Booger's gut. The remainder of the costume was three matching gray straps that crisscrossed his chest, accentuating his nasty man-tits and fat belly, and a pair of matching gloves. While it was technically not part of his costume, Booger was quite hairy, had a scruffy beard and was missing several teeth, all of which added to the overall disgustingness of the character. Perhaps the most revolting thing about the character was his finisher. He would stand over his prone opponent, do a little dance, and drop to both knees, practically teabaging them on the chin. Yuck. Booger didn't have a very long or distinguished tenure in the WWF, but his time in the promotion was more than enough. He did, however, make a brief return for Raw's 15th Anniversary show, but most of the disgustingness had dissipated.


Ripe Videos Indeed!


II



Naked Mideon

What the hell can be worse than a 400-pound fat man in skimpy tights? How about a flabby redneck in a fanny pack…just a fanny pack. I can't quite recall how Denis Knight went from being Mideon, the lowest level goon of The Undertaker, to Mideon the World Wrestling Federation's resident streaker. At some point in the fall of 2000, Mideon just started running into the ring, interfering in matches and interviews wearing nothing but a pair of cowboy boots, a flesh colored thong and a fanny pack covering his junk. The segments almost made me embarrassed to be a wrestling fan at the time, but now I can't stop laughing when I see them. Just imagine being a wrestler and being told you were scheduled to wrestle Naked Mideon. Suddenly, joining Vince McMahon's kiss my ass club doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world. I don't know if Naked Mideon wrestled "naked" at house shows or not, but he did have a few televised matches, the biggest of which was a European Title match against William Regal at No Mercy. Mideon started the match in clothes, but by the end of it he was down to nothing but a thong and his fanny pack. Near the end of the match Regal went for the Regal Stretch, but the sight of Mideon's bare ass caused him to think otherwise. The look on Regal's face was classic. As if wrestling nearly naked wasn't bad enough, I have to say (at the risk of sounding like a dick) that Denis Knight is one unsightly guy. As far as wrestlers go he's out of shape, has some pretty ugly tattoo sleeves, and even has stretch marks on his stomach. But, I guess if he wasn't homely the gimmick wouldn't have had the same impact.




I



Giant Gonzales

Number one may have been a bit predictable, but could I really have picked anyone else? Giant Gonzales's bodysuit may be the most hilariously awful wrestling costume in history. Here the WWF had a nearly eight foot monster of a man and they slapped a flesh colored bodysuit, complete with airbrushed on muscles, including muscles where no muscles actually exist. I guess as they were airbrushing on Gonzales's gaudy new physique the artists realized they needed to do something about his pelvic region. They could have just given him some standard wrestling tights to wear over that part of the bodysuit, but that would have looked too mundane. Instead they covered his crotch and ass in fur. I suppose they thought that looked a little silly, so they stuck tufts of fur on his shoulders, forearms and the sides of his legs. So, what could have passed as a weird looking loincloth, now, thanks to all of the other faux body hair, looked like the thickest mat of pubes the world has ever seen. The really funny thing about the costume, other than it's incredible ability to be hideous and astonishingly amusing at the same time, was that it really defies all logic and sensibility; this is an eight foot giant we're looking at, he's already a freak and he doesn't need the help. When he was in WCW as El Gigante, he wore pretty typical wrestling tights, and seeing him in those it's clear, that while he isn't ripped, he certainly wasn't out of shape. Plus, once again, the guy was nearly eight feet tall, so even if he wasn't all that muscular, it didn't matter; he was still a special attraction. These attributes are the reasons why it's so hard to understand why, when he came to the WWF, he was dressed in such an absurd bodysuit. Nevertheless, his awful costume makes him memorable to this day. Do you remember Giant Silva? I'd be willing to bet that more people remember Giant Gonzales due to his classically awful tights than anything he ever did in the ring. His matches were so bad that he would have completely drifted off into obscurity if he hadn't looked so ridiculous while doing them.


He's beating up LA Gore, not then Vice President AL Gore

That wraps up this list, but like I said in the beginning, I'm sure I missed a few good (bad) ones. I'm looking forward to hear your opinion on which wrestling outfits were the worst.