The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report 08.25.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 08.25.2009

Psycho Killers, Summerslam Thoughts, Raw Thoughts, The Wrestling Channel, Who's Who In ROH, Bobby Lashley's Silly New Nickname, and Ludvig Borga!!!

Qu'est-ce que c'est?

A lot of talking heads this week. First off, I'd like to welcome 411's new Small's Sloppy Seconds Wednesday News Reporter (how's that for a title), Steve Cook. For a long time, I was following Cook no matter where he went (Sundays and Thursdays) and now he's following me. Last week, it was a big surprise to see his Cook's Corner news report return and I'm happy to say that he seems refreshed and sober! How long this last will is anyone's guess but for the time being, I have no problem butt plugging him at the end of the report. And no, this is not a knock on Steve Sullivan and his news report. Just that I love Steve Cook with all my heart (and my pee pee).

REALULTIMATEPOWER, baby.

Second, I did something bad this weekend. Real bad.

Wait for it…

I ordered Summerslam…legally…on PPV.

Yes, this was my first PPV purchase since Naughty Nymphos in Japan 4 almost eight months ago AND my first WWE PPV purchase since Royal Rumble 2007. What happened? Why did I give the WWE money when they have been making it quite the chore to sit through Monday Night Raw. Well, it all started a few weeks ago when Sgt. Slaughter guest hosted. Throughout the show, Slaughter would tease the Canadian fans with promises of Bret Hart and Celine Dion and fail to deliver. And while some stuck-up Canadians hated it, I LOVED it – so much that I decided to purchase Summerslam, Breaking Point, and Hell in the Cell. Sure my jar that I kept all my savings in will now be depleted, but it's definitely worth it.

With that off my chest, I feel as if I should give you my Summerslam thoughts seeing as how I missed the Instant Access column. Here you go:

SUMMERFEST THOUGHTS!!!

The Summer's biggest party was quite a hit in my eyes. From a hot opener between Rey Mysterio and Dolph Ziggler (who looked good in defeat Part 1), to spirited tag matches between Jerishow and Cryme Tyme (who looked good in defeat Part 2) and DX and Legacy (must I repeat), to the epic main event match between the Great Khali and Kane delivered and it's obvious that Summerslam was a fun show. Even the overbooking mess of a match between John Cena and Randy Orton was entertaining (and got a chuckle out of my dad) especially thanks to Orton successfully defeating Cena with his feet on the ropes. If they had left the match at that point, it would have been higher rated in most people's books. In my book, I gave it 27 stars.

I know many people have debated whether the Legacy got a rub from D-Generation X. My opinion is very similar to those optimists as the Legacy looked a ton better than the Spirit Squad, than the McMahons, than even Edge and Randy Orton. Throughout the match, Legacy was one step ahead of DX (from countering HBK's signature spots to sneaking in a finisher right after Triple H hit a pedigree) which we've never seen before. Even the crowd gasped on a few pin attempts which goes to show that Legacy was made to appear as a threat to DX. Now many people have asked well why Legacy didn't just go over DX. Well, with Orton retaining and Punk winning in the main event, fans need something to be happy about. And considering that DX's reunion was a major focal point of Summerslam, then it made the most sense to appease the kid-friendly universe.

Now even though Legacy looked good yesterday, it really all depends on the follow-up. If Legacy were to look like goofs over the next few weeks, even a win over DX at Breaking Point would not help out their cause. If Legacy and DX were to battle in heated brawls up to the show, then we will know that the WWE is serious about pushing Legacy. Same applies with Dolph Ziggler and Cryme Tyme on Smackdown – if there's no follow-up, then the match means nothing in the long run.

As for the TLC match, I think most viewers would agree that the match was great. While not worthy of a MOTYC title, Jeff's swanton off the ladder and Punk's ladder assisted superplex were two great spots. The match was brutal and perversely entertaining and I'm hoping that the Smackdown brand will now deliver a worth-while follow up to the Hardy/Punk saga with Punk's Undertaker feud.

Overall, Summerslam rated a 8.3 on the Andy Richter Scale and a 4.1 on the Smallameter.

In today's news report, we shall cover Vince McMahon's desire for a WWE cable network, the WWE signing top ROH stars, Bobby Lashley's nickname, and the chances that Sting retires at Bound for Glory.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Oh man, you told your fun you are going to Dave and Buster's!

Yes, yes…

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

But Will They Beat TNA's Ratings?

From a recent LA Times news article, "The WWE's next move is to launch a cable network, which McMahon hopes to get off the ground within two years. While that objective is challenging in today's economic environment, WWE programming does well, and there is a vast library of content to fill the void between new shows (in addition to wrestling, WWE also operates a small movie studio, video games and a record label). Plus the success of McMahon's pay-per-view events has him feeling pretty confident."

In a follow-up blog, LA Times writer Joe Flint expanded on McMahon's ideas which include keeping Raw on USA. I would quote part of the blog but once I read that each WWE PPV averages between 500,000 to 1.4 million buys, I could not keep a straight face.

Is this a good idea for the WWE? Honestly, I am not so sure. I already believe that we are at the wrestling saturation point with six hours of original programming a week. By adding additional content to a cable network, will people want to watch that much wrestling? Now I know I wouldn't, but would you?

Granted the WWE has the ability to keep the programming on their wrestling channel varied. Like WWE 24/7, their VOD service, the WWE could rotate old PPVs and TV shows with recent DVD footage and even include stuff like FCW and even (ha) XFL football games. If the "Wrestling Channel" were to take off, then I'd assume that shows like Raw, Smackdown, ECW and Superstars will move to that channel.

Of course the big questions to ask are what package the "Wrestling Channel" will be on (I'd assume with the NFL and NBA Network package) and obviously, it's price. If its apart of all the shit that I currently already pay for, then I guess it can't hurt.

Crouching Viper, Hidden Dragon

If WWE Summerslam was not enough to pump up your Sunday night, then the WWE's signing of ROH standout Bryan Danielson probably did it. Danielson will be finishing off his required ROH and Dragon's Gate dates before starting with the WWE.

Any ideas what Danielson's generic WWE name will be? How about Jaden Ross or Brian Nichols or how about even Chris Daniels? You know it's going to happen.

Which really brings me to my main point – yes a lot of people are excited to see Danielson in the WWE but is the WWE really the place for Danielson to be? Standing at 5' 9", Danielson is no larger than Evan Bourne. Even though the WWE has done a better job pushing smaller wrestlers, I cannot see Danielson making it past a certain point due to his size. How long did it take for Benoit to get a main event push? And really, part of that was due to Triple H wanting to wrestle someone for a change.

Look, I'm happy that Danielson signed with the WWE. While one of the higher paid superstars in ROH, he will make bank in the WWE even if he's only used in ECW's new talent initiative. And as long as he does not gain 300 pounds before he debuts, perhaps he can carve out a niche role for himself on ECW or Smackdown. Plus one day we could possibly see a rematch to this match:



With the WWE now interested in ROH wrestlers, let's take a guess at a few others who might make the leap to the WWE:

Brent Albright: Brent almost reminds me of a former WWE superstar named Gunner Scott. While people hoped for Benoit v2 from Scott, that never happened as Scott was sent packing by the Great Khali. While I am unaware if Albright has a similar wrestling technique, at least he has a cool beard.

Kenny King: Because the WWE needs another Shelton Benjamin.

Grizzly Redwood: The dude's a fucking lumberjack. Now that's a gimmick the WWE has not seen since the "Man's Man" Steven Regal in 1998. He's a guy you should build a company around.

Austin Aries: I'd bring him in, do nothing with him, wait until he bitches, and then job him out to all the giants just to show TNA how they wasted a talent a few years ago! That will teach them!

Tyler Black: While he needs a better name, the guy has the look that the WWE loved in CM Punk. And hey, it's worked out quite well for Punk.

Claudio Castagnoli: 6'5", 232lbs. Finally a non-midget!

I would have also thrown Scotty Goldman's name in the pot but alas, that's not meant to be. Chances are I doubt the WWE will sign many ROH superstars as they have a hard enough time finding room and new names for their current batch of up and comers.

Biten' Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Lebron James will be won't be the guest host next week.

Did they even announce a Guest Host for next week's Raw? Considering I've heard conflicting reports before (the Godfather or Mike Adamle for this past week's), I will just assume that Ludvig Borga will be our guest host weekly.

No, not Paul Roma. Paul Roma can go fuck himself. He hasn't done anything for me or the Horsemen in a long time. Ludvig Borga is the real wave of the future.



Chris Masters has been released.

Just kidding. Or am I?

Jacksonville, FL would like to hold WrestleMania 28 or 29.

Damn Florida for being so greedy. You just had Orlando a few years ago! Why can't we have WrestleMania at my favorite arena, the IZOD Center at the Meadowlands. (That's totally a joke, btw).

Lillian Garcia just won't go away.


For those who thought her final show was tonight, you are wrong. For we will be blessed with her butcherings for another few weeks. Perhaps Breaking Point will be just that.

Tonight's show is kicked off with the greatest strut known to man. Excuse me, I mean mahon. Actually, Legacy kicked it off with the announcement that Brett Dibiase interfered in last night's overbooked clusterfuck. But that's not important, is it?

Oh wait, another PPV rematch @ Breaking Point. Kudos to Vince for explaining the Breaking Point concept since it's new, not everyone reads everything on the internet, and the WWE is desperate for PPV buys. Sadly, a Cena/Orton "I Quit" match really doesn't appeal too much to me.

And here's DX to prolong this opening segment! But all I really wanted was more Lillian Garcia announcements (is her character a parody of Paula Abdul?)!

No wonder Vince is happy – he's got birthday sex!

Just what Raw needed – DX Comedy! Complete with a "Best of DX vs. McMahons" recap! Here's hoping we aren't getting a rematch of that. And before the cake even makes its way to the ring, we all know Big Dick Johnson shall be giving Vince a lapdance.

Shouldn't Vegas's showgirls lead to a TV-14 rating?

Hey remember how everybody wanted to see those awesome "aftershow" segments? Well, I don't think we ever need to see that again.

Ok, if Money Mayweather is not here, did we need a 25 minute filler segment to open the show? If it wasn't for the Ravens killing the Jets, I would have turned that mess off at least two times.

Woah, Santino in a match and not in a comedy segment? This show is already full of surprises.

The Divas are walking! Random observation – what happened to Gail Kim's boobs? Kelly Kelly's boobs look huge for someone who reportedly has never had implants (though it could be a great bra). On the other hand, Kim's boobs look small and she's had breast enlargement? Where has her boobs gone?

Nevermind, Kim's boobs are back. False alarm. Mickie's got some nice butt cleavage in this match. And what's with Alicia Fox picking up the win? Is this leading to a Mickie James vs. Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox vs. Beth Phoenix match at Breaking Point?

Quick question – is Mayweather's late arrival causing this show to be written on a napkin? Or did they plan it to be this terrible on purpose? Then again I guess it could be worse…


Yup, car washes are a bitch.

Now Money Mayweather has arrived! I love how both the Big Show and Chris Jericho have both had beef with celebrities and now get to relive it each week on SNL.

Oh shit, MVP is busting out a Rock-esque promo! If he does not get over with these promos within the next two months, then the MVP experience will have failed. MVP & Mark Henry? Well, if they aren't feuding, they are always tag partners.

I give the WWE mucho credit for having a long match to start the second hour. Plus, seeing as how MVP needs heat, there's no better person to help him get it than Chris Jericho. And so far, through this match its working.

Sick counter DDT from the World's Strongest Slam! Brass Knux shot to Chris Jericho! MVP and Mark Henry are victorious in a good match. Perhaps the Raw brand is trying to push a couple new faces to the upper ranks.

Oh man, I think the Hornswoggle vs. Chavo rivalry is going to eclipse the Test vs. Steiner rivalry for being the most unnecessary feud of the decade.

Wait, Evan Bourne has come out to save Hornswoggle! Are they finally transitioning Chavo to another midget?

Looks like the Punk vs. Hardy saga will come to a finale on Friday's Smackdown.

I think William Regal should totally sue McMahon for ripping off his Power of the Punch. Though I am glad that they finally acknowledged Triple H and Vince's special relationship.

Hey look, another week that Randy Orton has been made to look like a pussy! Remember when this guy was a bad-ass and would successfully kick people in the face? What's happened?

Raw was a tale of two halves. Before Money Mayweather showed up, the show was dreadfully bad. The second half of the show was better thanks to a hot ending between the Unified Tag Titles match and Vince McMahon knocking out Carlito. That said, I have no idea what's in store for next week as nothing was built from Summerslam as Cena and DX are still feuding with Legacy, Chavo and Hornswoggle are still going at it, and Mickie James still does not have a concrete challenger. Here's hoping Guest Host Ludvig Borga will shape things up next week!


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

The Final Countdown



Looks like Sting is finally going to retire from wrestling at Bound for Glory. Considering Ric Flair's retirement match worked out well for the WWE at WrestleMania 24, it makes sense for Sting to bow out at the company's flagship PPV. And how convenient is it for Sting to change his mind once again seeing as how his TNA contract expires right around that time!
Judging from last week's Impact, it appears as if Sting vs. AJ Styles will be the marquee match at BFG which honestly makes sense. Sting and Styles have not really had a feud in TNA plus AJ would be one of the better matchups for Sting. I truly believe that if built correctly, this match could do massive buyrates for TNA (like 8,000!). Though I hope Sting does not Brett Favre it and sign with Chikara immediately after his contract runs out.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from your favorite sources:

New titles in TNA: Knockout Tag Team titles.

Was I the only one that read it as new titties in TNA? And if so, could they please look something like this:



Nobody has any idea what's going on with Jeff Jarrett.

And that's the way it should be! Honestly, this is a decision that needs to be made by TNA management and not some knuckleheads in the back. I still think a worked shoot angle with Kurt Angle could make millions Jerry millions.

Bobby Lashley's nickname will be "The Boss."

Because when I think of Bobby Lashley, I want the image of Rick Ross in my mind. Why couldn't they just use "hard hitting, soft spoken"?


COMING ATTRACTIONS

Yeah, this was a total mail-in this week. After two weeks of celebrating my birthday, I need a diet and a new kidney. Oh and a week off to recharge my batteries. See you all in two! Until then…

Cook is in tomorrow.

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!