News From Cook's Corner 09.02.09

Posted by Steve Cook on 09.02.2009

This week we're presenting clips of a news column set to music from mainstream rock bands. I hope none of you have a problem with that.

Hi everybody! Welcome to another wacky Wednesday here at the 411…I wanted to start out this week's column with a special message to Stephen Randle, who is apparently writing a book. How come nobody told me about this? Ahem…

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel, you're workin' on huh? Got a big uh big stack of papers there? Got a got a got a nice little nice little story you're workin' on there, the big big uh novel you've been working on for three years, huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist huh? Got a uh got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Little story brewin' there? Workin' on, workin on that for quite some time huh? Yeah talkin' about that three years ago eh? Been workin' on that the whole time? Nice little uh narrative uh beginning middle and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends yeah? At the end you're uh main character is uh richer for the experience yeah? Yeah? Yeah you got uh .. (normal voice) No, no you you deserve some time off.

Yes, we're all about the originality here at News From Cook's Corner!



All right, all right, all right! While there wasn't a pay-per-view event to talk about this week, there were still plenty of things going on in the wrestling world for people like Your Humble Correspondent to talk about. So let's get this shindig started!



The big news coming out of Titan Towers this week was the suspension of Rey Mysterio for failing a Wellness Test, which will take effect sometime around the printing of this column. My question to everybody in the Internet land…are you really surprised? Honestly? Really? I don't know why people are surprised by anybody getting suspended for Wellness. Maybe I just have a much dimmer view of human nature than everybody else.

Rey, for his part, is vehemently denying that he did anything wrong, and stated his case to The Record in Mexico, which really made WWE unhappy because they don't like unauthorized interviews by their independent contractors. We'll know what happened once the Smackdown spoilers get posted, which will probably be after I finish writing this column. On a side note, I'm running a bit late with it this week due to a fantasy football draft and I bet the bosses want my head on a silver platter right now. So let's get to the other stories…

It seems that Matt Hardy was trying to revive his feud with the Internet Wrestling Community this week. He had a blog up on the WWE Universe talking about how great his brother Jeff was, and how all us IWC pundits should bow down to him and thank him for putting our sacred cow CM Punk over to main event status. You know, I was going to tear Matt a new asshole for biting the hand that feeds him, because the Internet Wrestling Community is the only reason that Matt Hardy still has a job with WWE. What, you don't remember when Matt got fired and everybody here pissed and moaned because Edge & Lita were so evil? Matt Hardy was never more over than he was during that time, and he has Internet wrestling fans who bought into what he was selling to thank for that. The only other time Matt's really been over was when he was teaming with his far more popular brother, whose coattails Matt has attached himself to now in an attempt to seem relevant.

Matt (I don't usually address wrestlers by name because I don't think they're reading...but Matt Hardy strikes me as the kind of guy that Googles himself every day just to see what people are saying about him), if you really want to be relevant to wrestling fans as something other than Jeff Hardy's brother, why don't you get it done in the ring? Maybe you can't because of excessive injuries (and we don't want to see any more pictures of them, thanks), and if that's the problem why don't you take some time off and heal up? You'll be more valuable to WWE at 100% and in good shape than you are in your current incarnation. And for God's sake stop whining about what fans have to say about you, your brother or anything else. I know it's the only way you can get attention from us, but at some point we're going to stop listening to you the same way we stopped listening to our crazy uncle who kept telling us the end-times were near and we needed to repent. Yes, there will always be a group of sycophants out there that will support you no matter what, and God bless them because we all need people like that in our lives, but eventually the rest of the world will stop caring. If they haven't already.

I'm here to help.

Not a whole lot of WWE news this week, as it seems TNA is stealing the headlines with TV tapings and the usual craziness. The WrestleMania special got a not very good rating on NBC, which comes as no surprise because it was clips of a show that happened several months ago, and was on a Saturday night on NBC. Unless you're Saturday Night Live, nobody's watching you Saturday night on NBC.



Where is Eve Torres these days? I remember her aligning with Cryme Tyme a couple of months ago and doing some interesting backstage segments. I think she vanished sometime during the feud with CT & Jerishow, so I can only assume that Big Show sat on her. Perhaps Matt Hardy made her go away to get back at us IWC bastards that don't give him and Jeff enough respect. Or maybe she's doing some more wrestling training so we can have a Diva that can actually wrestle. Sadly there aren't too many of those these days.

At any rate, I like what I've seen from Eve so far, and hope I get to see more. That way I'll have more to write in this section next time she appears.

This Just In: I read the Superstars & Smackdown spoilers and it turns out that Eve will be appearing on both shows. I'm like a freaking psychic or psycho...not sure which.

This Also Just In: The advertised replay of HBK vs. Undertaker on ECW was a lame music video dealy like the NBC special was. I hope not too many people got their hopes up for that.



In a sign that Jeff Jarrett probably isn't done with TNA, he will be joining Christy Hemme & Jeremy Borash in a tour of Australia where they will be doing promotional work for TNA that will hopefully lead to future shows in the Land Down Under. Australia has been pretty hot for American wrestling as far back as I can remember…WWF & WCW always did big business when they went there and the short-lived WWA promotion (which Jarrett was a big part of) did some pretty good business there as well before bombing in the States. I don't know what TNA's TV situation is in Australia, but using past evidence I think they'd also make some pretty good money touring there.

The bigger story here that hasn't really been picked up on by anybody I've read is that Jeff Jarrett is still doing work for TNA, albeit in a lower-profile role. I'm in the camp of people that think that eventually the Jarrett/Angle mess will blow over and they'll end up doing s feud using the behind the scenes info to make it a work-shoot dealy. That's how all the people involved in the situation usually do business, so I don't see why they'd change course now. They do have good in-ring chemistry and apparently have the same taste in women, so maybe they can build a friendship off of that.

Former TNA Knockout Roxxi (also known as Nikki Roxx to you SHIMMER fans) has been telling people in AAA and other places that she'll be heading back to TNA soon. Some of you probably remember that the rumored reason behind Roxxi's departure from TNA was a backstage altercation between her and Rhaka Khan, who was Kurt Angle's girlfriend at the time. I'm not too high on TNA Management's recent decision that everything Kurt Angle does and says is right no matter what, but if it helped lead to the re-hiring of Roxxi…well, at least something good came out of all of this.

This just in from my good friend Larrold Csonka…"WTSB Radio in North Carolina reported today that TNA star Christopher Daniels was arrested on DUI charges this past Friday in Smithfield, NC after he was pulled over for a traffic violation and a breathalyzer test registered he had a 0.14 blood alcohol level. He was released on $2,000 bail." Well, it's a damn good thing that they didn't have Daniels doing anything important. Apparently he and Gregory "Hurricane" Helms were both bragging on the Twitter machine about how they were going to get shitfaced. In fact, here are Helms' & Daniels' tweets, courtesy of The Sun.

Helms: "[Daniels] is at the Hurri-Cave. I hate his liver and it must be destroyed!"
Daniels: "The Hurri-Cave is tremendous. I am in awe of it's splendour!"
Helms: "At this point, I'm pretty sure [Daniels'] liver hates me too. But that's how I roll.
"F*** livers! What a night! This was one for the books, and by that I mean one of those books that will never be written!"
Daniels: "By the way, I also hate my liver, but only slightly less than myself as a whole. Kill me if you see me!"

Apparently Daniels is not a very friendly drunk. I have to feel bad for Daniels' family and people like Samoa Joe, CM Punk, AJ Styles and countless others who looked up to Daniels as almost a father figure during their time in the indy scene. Hopefully this incident will be enough to get Daniels back on the right track. I have no idea if TNA will punish Daniels or not, but their recent behavior towards Kurt Angle indicates that they will not.

AJ Styles & some of the TNA Knockouts will be appearing on MTV's "Made" this weekend, where they will train a young woman to become a TNA Knockout. I refuse to watch MTV, but if you are somebody who will watch the accursed channel that sounds like it might be worth viewing.

TNA will be trying out some local wrestlers when they make their way to Germany, because the World Elite can't have enough people. Two names on the list I recognize…Murat Bosporus has been solid in the matches I've seen him in and seems like he would be a good addition, while Steve Douglas was in an absolutely horrendous match I watched earlier tonight that got a great reaction from the crowd. So I guess he has a shot.



Ric Flair has been in the news a lot lately, but not for anything good. Apparently he owes Ring of Honor some money because they advanced him some cash for appearances he ended up not making. ROH is not the only independent promotion claiming that Flair owes them some cash, but they are the biggest so they get mentioned here. I have no idea why Ric Flair didn't just stay under the WWE umbrella and let them use him as a ambassador and keep him out of financial trouble. I mean, if I was a crazy old man that was incapable of knowing anything about economics or how to take care of myself, I'd probably latch myself to the richest people I knew and leech them for every penny they were worth. Instead, Flair has decided to alienate everybody and hitch his star to the North Carolina Lottery. Yeah…good luck with all of that, Naitch.

I guess the moral of the story is to not book older wrestlers that were known for calling themselves Space Mountain and staying out all night every night of their lives. At the time ROH said they were bringing him in, I didn't really understand what the point was. Were they hoping that people would shell out money for DVDs because Ric Flair was cutting a promo on them? It didn't make any sense to me.

But speaking of people that had a bone to pick with Ric Flair…Shane Douglas's proposed ECW reunion show seems to have gone kaputski. The first thing he did wrong was announcing that he had booked the old ECW Arena on November 7 when he hadn't done such a thing. The old ECW Arena happens to host a lot of different events, be it ROH TV tapings, CHIKARA, CZW or even comedy shows. The Arena had a comedy show scheduled for the night, and decided to honor that commitment instead of agreeing to host Douglas's show that he had already announced without their approval. Most arenas would do the same thing. After getting turned down there, Douglas tried to run the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City, but didn't like the price they offered him. He thought it was a lot higher than what they charged Ring of Honor. I hope he asked ROH what they got charged before coming to that conclusion.

I think the bottom line here is that people don't like randomly booked ECW reunion shows. Besides, I think we got over our ECW reunion fix a few years ago. What people want to see now is a Smoky Mountain Wrestling reunion. That's right, we want to see Tracy Smothers vs. Dirty White Boy & Rock n' Roll Express vs. Heavenly Bodies right the hell now. BOOK IT CORNETTE~!

In your south of the border news this week, Mistico defeated Negro Casas to retain the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight title Monday night at Arena Coliseo in front of what's said to be the largest crowd there this year. I wish I had something funny to add here, but I don't get to watch CMLL so I don't know what's funny about Mistico.



I need to correct something I said in the 4 Rs this week…Finlay is not the best 51 year old wrestler I've ever seen. That honor would go to Nick Bockwinkel, who I still believe is the most underappreciated wrestling legend of the 70s & 80s by current fans. My apologies to Bock and his fans.

Critchell did the Shimmy this week. I didn't really notice a difference, which I suppose makes Clark & Critchell our version of Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase.

Remington talks about dancing. It suits him. Hopefully he'll tell me what Varsity Club member I'm supposed to be…because I really could qualify for any one of them. I'm evil like Kevin Sullivan, smart like Mike Rotundo, big like Steve Williams, and socially awkward like Rick Steiner. I guess he can fit me into any slot there.

Nedeff reviews a Jake Roberts tape where he put other people over. Seems kind of odd, but Bret Hart's DVD was one of the best ever and most of the matches he chose for it had him putting other people over.

Byers heads into the Indies. I was hoping he was reviewing a show with the Apache family on it, but no such luck.

Finally, here's your AJ Grey article of the week, which probably has the best title I've seen for one of his pieces. I'm considering the request from a female reader last week to involve some eye candy for my lady readership, but I don't have a good gague on what they'd like to see. When you think about it, wrestling has tons more to offer the ladies in the way of self-gratification material than it does for us guys, which is probably why we choose to glorify the attractive females that adorn our television sets. Plus it makes us feel a little less weird about watching dudes in spandex grabbing each other. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Well, that's all we have time for this week. JP Prag's in tomorrow, and I'll be back next week with more News From Cook's Corner!