The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 09.08.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 09.08.2009

The Khali-For-All returns with a look at Singapore Cane Matches, Naming WWE PPVs, Unleashed Animals, Money Mysterio, Guinness vs. Pepsi, Raw Thoughts, Russo on a mission, Dixie hates monthly visits, and the latest on the beef between the Hulkster and the Macho Man.

You know it's a problem when you have to follow a special one-time-only Csonka news report. And yeah, for some of you, you probably aren't happy to see me back. But for the rest of you Smallophiles, thanks to in an interstellar burst, I am back to save the IWC Universe!


Thank you boss man for filling in last week!

Ahem, I was almost thinking of copping Csonka's style to try to improve my hit count. But why. We've got a good thing going and really, I'm too old to change my style once again. I will say that I have a couple of good ideas brewing in my head but those probably won't see the light of day until November sweeps. In addition, unlike Csonka, I don't have a golf game to bore you with.

What I do have for you is a report chock full o' really unimportant news, silly Youtube videos, and a few nuts. And there's no better way to start off this monumental news report than with my former lover, the Great Khali!

ARISE KHALI ARISE!



I realize that there hasn't been a Khali-For-All in a while, but with Khali's second straight PPV appearance (third since June) this Sunday at Bending Point, now's the best time to bring it back. In lieu of Khali's match against Kane, I have decided to break down what makes a Singapore Cane match so special.

History of the Singapore Cane

The Singapore cane was created by the "Lethal Weapon" Steve Blackman when he got tired of beating up bitches with really long yard sticks. Shortly before his illustrious reign as Hardcore Champion, Blackman ordered a few canes from Craigslist. Because of WWE's lax Hardcore rules, Blackman was allowed to use the canes to help keep his foes in the distance. Unlike rulers that tend to break after contact with a trash can lid, Singapore canes are indestructible. And when they do break, their shards dig deep into a human's skin leaving their body splintered, battered, and bruised (man that sounds like a great WWE PPV name).

When Steve Blackman retired in 2002, one thought that it would have been the last of the Signapore cane. Until now… Well actually, until 2008.

History of the Singapore Cane Match

At WWE One Night Stand 2008, the Singapore cane reappeared in the world of sports entertainment. While some believe the rumor that Vince McMahon sent his cronies to Indonesia to obtain canes for this match that is incorrect. According to my sources within the WWE, McMahon ordered his cronies to purchase a few canes on Craigslist.

With the canes in McMahon's possession, at One Night Stand, the WWE Universe witnessed one of my favorite matches from 2008 – The Big Show vs. John Morrison vs. CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Tommy Dreamer in a Singapore Cane on a Pole match! Seriously if you've never seen this match, I'd totally recommend you order the PPV replay. Or you can watch it below:



Anyway, due to the brutality and violence from this match, McMahon ordered that the Singapore cane be banned from the WWE. Once again, the WWE Universe believed that we wouldn't see another cane match. Until this coming Sunday…

Khali vs. Kane – The Tale of the Tape

Unlike most wrestling pundits who would break down this match using stats and factual information, I shall pass on that. Seriously who here doesn't know that wrestling is not real? So with facts out the window, I shall break down the match using five principles known as The Fundamental Five.

Height

As seen in the match at One Night Stand, the Big Show had a major advantage in the match due to his height. Because the taller you are, the easier it is to reach the Singapore canes. According to Wikipedia, the Great Khali stands 7' 1" while Kane stands 6' 9". Clearly, the Great Khali has the advantage.

Weight

As seen in the match at One Night Stand, the Big Show had a major advantage due to the size of his tummy. Because everyone knows that the bigger you are, the less you feel cane shots. According to Wikipedia, Khali weighs 420 lbs while Kane weighs 323 lbs. Clearly, the Great Khali has the advantage.

Experience

Neither the Great Khali nor Kane has had any experience in a Singapore cane match. However, the Great Khali (and the Big Show) have been in a Punjabi Prison match which uses bamboo sticks (similar to canes). Kane has yet to be in a Punjabi Prison match. Clearly, the Great Khali has the advantage.

Life Expectancy

The average life expectancy of a male born in India is 65. The Great Khali is 37. So you'd say that Khali still has 43% of his life to go and is basically at the end of the peak of his career. On the flip side, the average life expectancy of a male born in the US is 75. Kane is 42. So you'd say that Kane still has 44% of his life to go and is also at the end of the peak of his career. Clearly, this is a push.

Upcoming Storylines

If Kane were to defeat the Great Khali, he would immediately be seen as a #1 contender to the World Title. With a CM Punk vs. Kane match seemingly illogical, one must assume that the Undertaker would win at Bending Point. This obviously won't happen. Now if the Great Khali were to defeat Kane, it would set up a CM Punk vs. Khali Hell in the Cell match at Hell in the Cell. Now that's logical. Clearly, the Great Khali has the advantage.

Yes, according to the Fundamental Five, the Great Khali will be the winner of this Sunday's Singapore Cane Match. I guarantee it.

Oh and if you are wondering why Khali is my ex-lover, I told him that I needed to see a perfect powerbomb out of him first. And as you can see in this video (thanks 411 message board), Khali can't powerbomb Kidman (or anyone else for that matter).



WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



You'd never see something like the above in a Csonka news report.

In today's news report, we shall cover a multitude of topics including PPV name changes, an update on Batista's love life, Rey Mysterio's finances, Wifebeater Shawne Merriman, and all the latest in TNA! So much to cover, such little time!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Let's Name WWE PPVs

If you were to stumble across the WWE event on December 13th, you'd notice that instead of "WWE Armageddon", you would find "WWE Tables, Ladders, and Chairs." Yes, the WWE is still changing PPV names! I don't know how you feel but I liked the PPV name "Armageddon." It fit well with the end of the year theme plus it had that badass "The End is Near" theme song. Oh well.

While I am fine with the WWE changing the name of some of their PPVs for branding sake (plus "No Mercy" and "One Night Stand" were stupid names), I do not like the two most recent ones – "Hell in the Cell" and now "TLC." Unlike "Bragging Rights" and "Breaking Point" neither "Hell in the Cell" or "TLC" really rolls off the tongue. Granted it's easy to brand the new shows when the main drawing point is in the name, but it really comes off awkward. Hell, it sounds as if the WWE is bringing back their old "In Your House" PPVs which would have likely used surnames like "Hell in the Cell" or "TLC".

Seeing as how there's less than a 10% chance that "No Way Out" will keep its name (expect "Elimination Chamber" to take its place), I think now's a good time to think of a few other names for the remaining WWE PPVs. In total, we would need to think of two more names to replace Backlash (another stupid name) and Judgment Day, unless the WWE wants to add more PPVs to their schedule. The following are my ideas:

WWE King of the Ring - The most logical name change. Yes, tournaments do not normally have great buyrates; however, none of the current PPV buyrates are doing anything special.
WWE SummerFest - The buzz is already there thanks to Jeremy Piven. Now capitalize on this opportunity, WWE.
WWE Chavo vs. Hornswoggle - Featuring the blowoff of the never ending Chavo vs. Hornswoggle feud
WWE Sh!t - Featuring Cleveland Steamer matches, an appearance by the Dirty Sanchez, a Braden Walker tribute, and of course, 2 Divas 1 Cup.
WWE Flippity Floppity - The one night of the year cruiserweights can actually wrestle like… hahahahahahah never happening!


SMELL the buyrates!

Think you have better ideas for PPV names? Let me know your thoughts below and I might even address a few next week in the Swayze Malebag!

Unleash the Animal

In a recent interview with Hot 99.5 out of Washington, DC, Batista spoke on his love of WWE Divas. As we have previously discussed, Batista has been linked with Melina and Kelly Kelly. However, did you know that up until a few months ago he was dating Rosa Mendes? Considering her real name is Milena, I do not think we should be shocked. Big Dave's not so good with names. As for who's next, Batista hinted in the interview that he has a thing for twins. Which only means one thing –


What? You were expecting the Bellas.

Money Mysterio

From the Observer, "Rey Mysterio's 30-day suspension for violating the Wellness Policy will cost him $100,000, since he would be missing two PPV events and four weeks of house show events. Mysterio is not expected to return for the Hell in a Cell PPV on October 4 since WWE will not have time to build up a match for him.

Mysterio will be allowed to collect merchandise sales during the suspension, which is a huge revenue source for stars in WWE. It is believed Mysterio earns $1.5 million annually, and a large chunk of that comes from merchandise sales, as he is one of the top sellers in WWE. Mysterio's merchandise sales have always been strong even when he has been out with injuries."

Well no wonder why Mysterio went public about his suspension – he's missing out on some quality dolla dolla bills y'all. "Money" Mysterio won't be making bank the next thirty days which is a damn shame for him. He had a readymade feud with Dolph Ziggler that could have easily extended to Hell in the Cell. A Mysterio HitC match would have been quite interesting to see but I guess we will have to wait until next year.

I'd be remiss in not mentioning my feelings about the fallout from Mysterio's suspension. It's similar to when Booker T accused the WWE of similar practices and asked for his release. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Mysterio and the WWE fallout sooner or later. However, unlike Booker T, Mysterio would head back to Mexico and not to TNA, where he'd be the #1 star and be financially set for the remainder of his life. (And if Mysterio stays with the WWE, I'd expect a run at the World Championship if Punk can make it past the Undertaker.)

Biten' Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Nigel McGuiness is minutes away from signing a WWE contract.

I will have a lot more to say on this matter next week in the Swayze Malebag. For now, I will say that it's a solid pickup for the WWE for two reasons. First, with JBL's retirement, we haven't had a clothesline finisher in months. And if McGuiness doesn't want to use the clothesline, let's please have him steal one of AJ Styles's finishers if only to piss him off even more. Second, with his signing, the WWE now has a money match between McGuiness and CM "Pepsi" Punk.

WWE Fan Shawne Merriman was recently arrested for choking his girlfriend, Tila Tequila.

Seeing as how Merriman is featured in the Singapore Can match that I linked to earlier in the news report, it only makes sense for me to address this here. I am shocked to hear that a rather large man like Merriman (6' 4", 270lbs) would need to choke out Tequila (4' 90lbs); couldn't he just put his hand on her head and watch her swing away? She's no bigger than a Furby.



Delicious Pretty Ricky is not dead! Rather, he's been hiding at the Palace of Wisdom.

You can watch his latest video at WWE.com. While I know most people hate the Delicious character, I find it to be pretty funny and a step up from the boring R-Truth character. Will this lead to a serious push for R-Truth? Absolutely not, but at least let me have my fun. GOSH.

Both Jerry Lawler and his ex-wife, Stacy "The Kat" Carter, are booked for the 9/12 Pennsylvania Championship Wrestling Alliance show in Mount Carmel, PA.

AWKWARD. Anyone who lives near Mount Carmel should attend the show not only to see the Kat and King Lawler back together again, but also to see such classic PCWA superstars including the ECW Zombie, Doink the Clown, and Cole Callaway. Yes the first two are direct WWE rip-offs but Callaway has all of them beat. Here's his profile bio : "He's a FAG~Fun Athletic Guy~5'10", 169 Fluid Ounces from Du Bois(do boys),and he hails from the Planet of IREALLYWANT, Uranis." Somebody get the booker a WWE creative contract!


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Since I was sabbatical last week, I had a little extra time to scour the internet looking for something so mind awesomely blowing that you'd love me for it. I think I found it below.



Yes, the Hulkster and the Macho Man settle their feud thanks to Silas Dean Pawn Shop! God, I love local television commercials.

I must admit that I am super pumped to see Bob Barker on Monday Night Raw. I was a huge Price is Right fan back in the day so this is awesome to see.

And we start off with a Pricing Game! Santino and Jillian Hall were expected but IRS is a plus. Okay, the price of the Smackdown DVD is $35! I guarantee it.

Aw shit. I'm no better than Santino Marella. I have to say I bet the writers spent more time on the opening segment than on writing the rest of this show. Though Jericho vs. MVP is a step in the right direction.

Good match between MVP and Jericho. While I'm happy that MVP won, I really wanted to see highlights of Jericho's trip from Hawaii.

And more fun with Barker. We get the gratuitous Happy Gilmore plug out of the way and get our first look at the Big Wheel. While it would be awesome to actually have the big wheel there, this one is just okay. It would have been better if they used Plinko to select their opponents (instead of a $ amount, each slot would be a different heel).

Yes another Chavo vs. Hornswoggle match! Oh and there's no chance that Chavo's winning a vehicle this evening. I stand corrected – it's Bourne vs. Chavo tonight. Well, that's a step up.

Another match, another roll up finish. Yup, the writers spent this week on just the Price is Raw sketches (which is probably for the better).

Solid promo from Cody outside of the line that he will make Cena tap out. That's not happening, kid.

I have to say that the Chicago crowd has been awesome tonight even through all the submission attempts. My biggest fear for Breaking Point is a dead crowd because submission matches work the best when the crowd is into the show. Like they are tonight.

Even with the DQ ending, I like the fact that both Dibiase and Rhodes have looked ten times stronger since early August than they did the entire first year of their partnership. I don't know if there was a writing change on the Raw crew because both men have shined over the recent weeks.

Batista with a career-altering announcement next Monday. Interesting.

I give the WWE credit for pimping Wrestlemania 26 so early. Tis a bad economy you know. Santino is going to Wrestlemania! Oh man, can he bring his sister with him?

This um has been um the best use of the Bella twins to date. I think I'm gonna have a problem typing for the rest of the show.

WHAMMY. All better.

Oh man, the loser horn for Santino. God this show rules.

Oh man, both tag team challengers have won tonight. This isn't a good sign for their chances on Sunday. Good thing both men will get to use Henry's new hottub after their loss on Sunday.

Wow a serious segment on Raw. Glad to see that this was a beneficial venture for both Barker and the WWE.

Bob Barker is a striking beast. Never mess with a guy who trained with Chuck Norris.

And for those who believe Chavo got buried again, at least he wasn't spaded or neutered like Buddy the Cat was.

A little surprising that Masters got the main event slot considering he's only beaten Santino since he returned in late July. I think Jack Swagger would have made a better replacement here.

Awesome – sweet chin music is reversed into the Masterlock. There's no way HBK can escape this hold. Yup, he needed HHH's help.

Not the best brawl I've seen but I did enjoy Legacy stealing Jaime Noble's car.

As for the final Orton/Cena confrontation, the rope assisted DDT was nice. The RKO on the chair, not so much. At least, the WWE used the overrun to hype the PPV since the rest of tonight's show was quite light.

Overall, I loved this week's Raw and easily think that Bob Barker was the best guest host so far (though I didn't see the entire Shaq show). Sure the show was light on hype but honestly, the top two matches are Summerslam rematches with new stipulations. If you didn't want to see Cena/Orton last month, then nothing's going to change your mind. Plus Smackdown will do fine with the hype job as they have the more marketable matches (Punk vs. Taker). Best of all – Raw's recent hot streak looks to continue with Trish Stratus and Batista next week!


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

Man on a Mission

From the Observer, "It is being said backstage in TNA that lead writer Vince Russo is "on a mission" to make their top talent such as AJ Styles, Matt Morgan, and Hernandez into bigger stars. Dixie Carter is also said to be a huge fan of those three wrestlers. TNA views Matt Morgan as one of their homegrown talents despite WWE being the company who discovered him.

With Russo having complete creative control, he wants to send a message to younger talent that they are looking to develop new stars. The general feeling backstage is that Russo is more trustworthy than Jeff Jarrett, whom had a reputation for supporting his circle of friends only."

Well the first thing Russo can do is to stop making Styles look like such an idiot all the time. That's great that he wants to fight Sting but when will Styles (or anyone for that matter) make a dent against the Main Event Mafia? As for the others, I still don't buy Morgan as a top heel seeing as he gets Charlie Haas heat every time he wrestles. Granted, there have been worse wrestlers shoved down our throats but I just don't see Morgan as a star. Lastly, I am happy to see Hernandez getting a larger push. Of all the TNA superstars I met last year, Hernandez was my favorite as he was very talkative to me and JP. Here's hoping he too can break the glass ceiling.

411 Commenter Dixie Carter?

According to Gerweck, "TNA president Dixie Carter recently stated in an interview that she is not a fan of the monthly PPV format. There are internal talks of switching to one PPV every few months to make them more "Special" and hopefully would drive up pay-per-view buys."

Hey, you know who would love to spend less money on PPVs? Rey Mysterio, cause he's poor!

In all seriousness, I know JP gets bombarded on this subject in his news report so at least there's a good chance that one company will try out this approach. Granted, if TNA is making money on each PPV (no matter its buyrate), then they would be foolish to get rid of it. Now if TNA is losing money on some of these shows, which wouldn't surprise me due to lackluster buyrates for Slammiversary (7,000 buys) and Hard Justice (15 buys), then I'd love to see what an 6-8 PPV calendar year would look like. You'd figure Bound for Glory, Lockdown, Slammiversary, and Destination X would stay but who knows what Dixie is cooking up.

Goodbye Angelina Love

I honestly do not have much to say in regards to this other than the fact that Angelina Love is fucking stupid for not getting her work visa in order. While I doubt she will be banned from the United States for ten years, it might be a while before she can work in the US again. In the end, I do not feel bad for the TNA as they will likely replace her with another set of big tits nor do I feel bad for herself as she could easily work the Canadian Indies (are there even any?) until her ban is over. I only feel bad for the fans who would miss out on seeing this (thanks 411 forums):



Well at least we still have Jenna Morasca… oh shit.


COMING ATTRACTIONS

As I've mentioned a few times above, next week the Swayze Malebag returns. If that's not enough, in two weeks, a brand new Small-For-All segment debuts as I finally found a suitable co-host for my news report! And trust me, you will be shocked. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!