The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 09.15.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 09.15.2009

RIP Swayze, Khali-For-All, Blue Balls Batista, We Are All on Drugs, A Montreal State of Mind, an Abbreviated Raw Recap, and my suggestion for the Greatest Future Raw Guest Host!

Last week, I did enough writing for two weeks. I won't make that mistake again this week. Take us away Mr. Swayze…

Actually, all of us at the Small-For-All would like to send their condolences to the Swayze family as Patrick Swayze died yesterday after a long bout with pancreatic cancer. Out of respect for Swayze and the kickass Roadhouse movie, there will be no Swayze malebag this week, next week, or ever again. Next week, I will try to think of another 80s idol to honor in the malebag. Will it be Alan Thicke? Patrick Duffy? Or even Corey Haim? Or will it be one of your suggestions? If you have a good one, please leave it in the comments section.

Well with the malebag on hold, I guess I have to go with Plan B. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, back to back consecutive weeks of the Khali-For-All News Report!

ARISE KHALI ARISE!!!



Last week in the Khali-For-All, we chronicled the vast history of the Singapore Cane. (Oh and note to commenter Finn – no one believes your wacky made up story!) In addition, I was confident that the Great Khali would have evened the score in his feud with Kane. Sadly, I was totally off on that one (though I was correct in saying the match would have been way better than most thought).

Anyway, enough about Khali's "kayfabe" losses to Kane. Let's speak on where the fake action ends and the real drama begins – backstage! Last Tuesday (way past the Khali-For-All's deadline), the Great Khali and the Big Show came to fisticuffs as the Show was upset with Khali stealing his signature "Wait for it -> WHAMMY SLAP". Seeing as how it came from the guy who has just recently began using a spear, uses the chokeslam of all moves as a finisher, and has a very large penis (or so he says), Khali had no choice but to stick up for the people of India. Either that or Show and Khali had one of those silly misunderstandings. Like the time, Jack Tripper sold all of Mr. Furley's furniture believing it to be left behind by Mr. Roper.

As for the backstage fight, I'm hearing it was a slow plodding affair that took the shape of a MMA match. Meltzer rated it at only 1/4* but he's normally a hardass. I'm still waiting for Dunn's review but he's swamped from receiving so much free shit from the WWE. You know, Dunn, you could easily send some of that unused shit my way. Do you know how much wank material I'd get from the Kane set? (Absolutely one segment – bridesmaid Trish.)

Trish Stratus As BridesmaidUploaded by Jokerwilds. - Check out other Film & TV videos.

Anyhoo, sources say the Big Show tripped over the size of his penis, allowing the Great Khali to mount him and nail him with his Punjabi Fists of Fury. Unlike Dhalism, Khali's a ground and pounder all the way. After a few minutes of "clobbering", the Undertaker broke up the match as he needed to get past both men to work on different submission holds with Michelle McCool. Unfortunately, that's all I've heard on this situation. I tweeted to Matt Hardy but instead of answering my twit, he just put himself over some more.

Of course, the big question is will anything come out of this fight? We know that the Vince Russo loves using shoot situations in his storylines, but will Vince McMahon? I'd honestly say "No" unless the Smackdown writers can find a suitable tag team partner for the Great Khali. Seeing that his singles career is on a downswing, a shot at the tag team titles might be what Khali needs. But who will be Khali's tag team partner – Jimmy Wang Yang? Kung Fu Naki? Billy Gunn? Incorrect. It will be R-Truth and I will tell you why. First, the WWE has been on this kick of holding the black man down against JeriShow. Second, I'd be hilarious watching Khali rap and shout "What's Up?" Third, R-Truth is currently getting punked out each week and could easily use a 7' bodyguard.

There you have it kids – Jericho & Big Show vs. Khali & R-Truth at Bragging Rights! You heard it hear first!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Keep it down now, voices carry.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome back to another XXL edition of the Small-For-All, the news report that runs this town. I'm still kinda bitter that Steve Cook thinks of himself as the main attraction when we all know the real reason people flock to 411 for JP Prag's business report. LOL.

In today's news report, we look at Batista's announcement, my feelings on Montreal, Jeff Hardy's love affair with bad Weezer songs, and possibly talk about TNA for a little. But first, today's big headline coming from the WWE…


NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Kanye West Doesn't Care About White Girls
Smallophiles, what the fuck is wrong with Kanye West? If you didn't see it, Kanye interrupted cutie-patootie Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at Sunday's Video Music Awards! All because he needed to suck Jigga's dick some more by proclaiming that Beyonce should have won for "Single Ladies."

First off, Kanye really needs his own "special" section at award shows. Considering this wasn't even the first time he's interrupted another person's acceptance speech, it's quite crazy that award producers don't give him his own special VIP padded cell (it'd go good with his spaceman glasses). Second, "Single Ladies" wasn't even that good of a video. If I wanted to watch three ladies dance for four minutes, I'd go to a strip club. And what the fuck was that thing on Beyonce's arm? They don't even bother explaining it in the video. Fuck that.

Look I love Kanye West's music. Hell, his 808 & Heartbreak album inspired me to create my own album with the help of Microsoft's Songsmith. But that dude is the biggest fucking idiot since Lady Gaga.

Now I'm not the only one pissed off at Kanye West. Fellow ex-Raw owner Donald Trump has asked for a boycott of all things Kanye West. Wolf from American Gladiators wants to kick his black ass. Gregory Helms twittered about his outburst during Breaking Point! And leave it to Chris Jericho to put Kanye in his place yesterday on Twitter: ""Kanye west takes himself way too seriously. You think Michael, Prince or Jay Z would ever pull that shit?? Get over yourself junior..."

BURNED.

Now if the WWE was smart, they should extend a Guest Host spot to Kanye West immediately. Have him interrupt a Randy Orton promo (which would easily make him a face again). Have him interfere in a match and pin Kofi Kingston to become US champion. Have him sit at the both with Michael Cole and announce a match using the Auto-Tune. Just dammit use this publicity to get another 4.0 tv rating!!!

Blue Balls Batista

On tonight's edition of Raw, Batista announced that he is moving to Smackdown. And why?

Well according the LAW, "Batista's big announcement tonight is likely to be that he is moving to the SmackDown brand, who are in desperate need of some babyfaces after the suspension of Rey Mysterio and Jeff Hardy's departure."

Even though Mysterio returns in early October, the blue brand is still a few faces shy as the Undertaker works a limited schedule and the company did not give the big push to John Morrison (which they could have easily done). Plus, who knows how strained the WWE's relationship is with Mysterio? They could easily push another midget in his place for a few months.

Now for those who are saying that the reign of excellence on Smackdown is over, I think y'all should just wait and see what happens. Sure Batista is no workrate animal, but he's over with the crowd and can work with the right opponent. Hell, stick him with the Great Khali in a tag team feud with JeriShow. Or job him out to CM Punk. Yeah.

Lastly, in order for Smackdown to obtain Batista's rights, did Raw get a future first round pick in the next WWE Draft? Or will someone like Kane be traded in a package deal to Raw?

We Are All on Drugs

Surprisingly Big Show/Khali wasn't the biggest story of last week. For that honor befell Jeff Hardy once again. On Friday, Jeff Hardy was arrested for being in possession of 262 Vicodin pills, 180 Soma pills, 555 milliliters of anabolic steroids, and COCAINE. Either Hardy was living out "The Feel Good Hit of the Summer" or he's got a lot of ‘splaining to do. Considering we are still waiting for Hardy's statement, I feel he has a ton of ‘splaining to do.

In addition to being royally fucked by the long dick of the law (more on that below), you can kiss a Jeff Hardy reality show and a Hardy WWE Reunion out the window for the time being. While Vince will do business with most if they make money, one must wonder how he really feels about this. Considering he was negotiating with Hardy up until the weekend of Summerslam, you know he must feel relieved that this did not happen under his watch. But you know he's not happy. For he did allow CM Punk to call out Hardy at Breaking Point (which was damn cool).

As for the law, if Hardy is found guilty of drug trafficking, he will be facing a 3 -14 year jail sentence. Yikes. Here's hoping Hardy has a good imagi-nation cause 14 years is a long time in jail. Plus, you know he won't be sitting well after his first week there. Yes, I had to go there. Because it's appropriate.

Remember kids, at the end of the day,



Montreal State of Mind

At Breaking Point, CM Punk defeated the Undertaker via use of the Montreal screwjob angle.

While most people are sick of the Montreal angle, I'm just glad it pissed off Randle. I have already announced that I will be ordering every show due to the anti-Canada Raw a few weeks ago. But now I would like to announce that during tonight's Raw (which Randle is at), I have kidnapped Buddy the Cat and will now keep him until Randle denounces Canada. Or until the head of WWE's Canadian wing, Carl De Marco, leaves the WWE.

Oh shit.

FWIW, I love Montreal steak seasoning. It makes meat delicious. Hell, it would even spice up Sean Stasiak.

Note with Monday Night Football back, there will be times that I will have to make sacrifices between football and wrestling. Considering all of my roommates are Patriots fans (I'm a Jets fan), this week I shall be watching football. But have no fear because I can predict what I will be missing.

Batista will fake a retirement spiel before announcing a move to Smackdown.

Michael Cole will say "The Champ is Here" about a 100 times.

Chris Jericho will get into a feud with Trish Stratus as he does weekly with every guest host.

Trish will look really hot even with brown hair.

Any long match will end in a DQ – especially if it involves Legacy.

Chavo will lose to Hornswoggle once again.

You know I'm going to be right on many of them. WOO WOO WOO.

Oh great, I choose to watch the wild Patriots/Bills game and immediately turn on the show just in time for Hornswoggle and Chavo. Yay me! And look, Chavo loses again. Oh thank God, Chavo finally ends this insipid feud.

I love how John Cena pretty much summed up every Randy Orton promo in two minutes. There's no way he's losing at Hell in the Cell, kids.

Woah, MVP with Trish Stratus. Color me a little surprised.

Damn, Trish has not missed a beat. Oh damn, a Big Show run in. Was he pissed that Trish did a chop in the corner too? Or is this setting up a six man tag? Let's go with the latter.

VINTAGE TRISH STRATUS! Fun six man match that makes me long for the days of weekly Stratusfaction. Here's hoping Jericho didn't break his wrist on MVP's tope.

Batista is walking. (We miss you CRZ.)

Cedric the Sports Entertainer – next week! Eh, what's the Monday night game?

Short main event this week. While I'm not surprised that Orton looked like a pussy once again, at least they blew off this feud before Batista's move to Smackdown.

It's tough for me to rate this show since I missed the first 70 minutes. Of what I saw, I'm happy to see another Trish Stratus match. That's about all.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

With no TNA news to speak of, I shall just leave you with another picture of Angelina Love since that worked so well last week.






COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next week, no more Angelina Love bikini pictures. Not because I'm evil but rather I can't find anymore. In its place will be a Brand New Small-For-All Segment featuring a Guest Host!!! Have I found the Richter to my Conan? Find out next week.

Stupid douchebag Cook is in tomorrow.

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!