Takin' A Mulligan 9.19.09: Circa Fantasy Island

Posted by Chris Remington on 09.19.2009

How do you redo something that you have to pretend hasn't happened yet?



Jumpin' On the Gun

I get comments...Crook observes the following

You're really Trish Stratus, aren't you? Admit it! See you Monday...

I am sure you saw Trish on Monday but I am not Csonka's Canadian heartthrob. At times I have considered a sex change though. One, I could get by with dying my hair without strange stares. Two, I could get on all fours and reenact "The Vogue" video with a more convincing swagger, plus I could sport those awesome cones! I hear Cook likes that stuff and since I was the original Grutman fanboy, I am sure we could finally connect despite our age difference. Unless Cook has something else to do, you know, like chat up a woman or something.

BFF proves that he reads more than one column of mine!

If the picture of the Killer Bee's is you and Eubanks, one is facing the wrong way. Late to the conversion but sounds to me like the Blue Oyster was bitching about you saying Foley is a spot monkey but not the Dudleys. I really don't think either is a spot monkey. I think of a spot monkey as wrestlers who really on high spots only. Both the Dudleys and Foley are too good on the mic to be spot monkeys. Yes there are certain spots that got them over, like Foley off the cell or Dudleys putting people through tables but I think it sells them short respectively. BTW, this week's mulligan is pretty good.

I answered BlueOyster and TrueFan in the comment section of last week's column. I haven't gotten a good vibe on TrueFan yet but I appreciate the comment, even if it was negative. BFF – Wrestling and acting aren't parallel universes. Just because someone is big, strong and athletic, doesn't mean they are good on the mic. It just means they are big, strong and athletic. Same as Hollywood, if a girl is attractive; it doesn't mean she can act (see Megan Fox or Angelia Jolie). Being good on the mic doesn't make or not make you a spot monkey, regardless of my opinion of The Dudley's, Foley or anyone. I gave an exhaustive answer in the comments section regarding Foley in last column, so I won't belabor the point on him here.

Back to Fox and Jolie, the fact that I don't think they can act doesn't mean they can't sell tickets! They clearly can! I am not their target audience though and frankly, I wonder what type of audience I fall into, either via Hollywood or wrestling.

Cook's Corner New's Report heckles yours truly

Hey Gun, you were getting your masters degree when I was 8 years old and didn't even know what a "chick" was or how to buy her a drink…feel old yet?

I think this might answer your question



I openly rooted for that guy's success when you were learning I before E except after C.

Someone who never makes me feel old is HHHoney. She yo-yo's a new contribution:

I look forward to next weeks column. Keep up the good work. Looks like you should have waited one more week with the Hardy story, you could have really had fun.

Thanks for the positive feedback regarding Undertaker. For the record, I wouldn't have had fun with Jeff Hardy in his current situation. I totally understand the temptations and actions of people who are in his plight, guilty or not guilty. My comments on The Hardz are about booking them, not about their personal lives. I find them both entertaining and more entertaining as a tag team than single features. Unfortunately, it appears Matt will be working without his brother for a length of time longer than he might have expected and most fans hoped for. I glad my column ran when it did because if it had ran at the time he was arrested, the column would have seemed like I was pouring salt into an open wound. It is a message I never want to convey.

Speaking of pouring salt:



He isn't reading me…So I wouldn't bother to read his Smackdown Thoughts either. Don't click here! You really don't want to know.

Jumpin on the Gun winner of the week inspires a column The Great Capt. Smooth, ask a simple, yet complex question:

Gun, since the WWE is going kid friendly today, I was wondering who you would pick, out of today's stars, to get the Taker gimmick? (Pretending that Taker never happened.)

I love to pretend. Sometimes I pretend I am Trish Stratus and sometimes I pretend to be Bill Kazmeier. I'll use my powers of suspending time and try to channel which wrestler would run with the gimmick that never had existed yet.

The Address



I am always believed that the gimmick for The Undertaker isn't about "an undertaker" but really about "The Terminator". The Terminator really launched a former bodybuilder who would be a future Governor career in 1984, which is 6+ years before Vince introduced The Undertaker gimmick to the wrestling masses. The Undertaker gimmick isn't about the movie itself but I believe mannerisms (not all) are lifted from the main character.

- Stoic stare
- Tin Can Voice
- Methodic Walk
- Never rushed to action
- Superior Strength
- Imperious to Pain
- Constantly Aware of Surroundings
- Single Goal Focused

Looks a lot like the guy Vince introduced in the early 90s. He twisted his physical appearance to fit the mold of an undertaker and he refined the character. The Undertaker was focused on collecting souls and he drew his strength from the urn either held by Brother Love at first and Paul Bearer for the length of his original Undertaker run. Outside of that, you see the classic Terminator type of character out of Undertaker, even more so now as he is physically now able to get around like the 1992 Undertaker could.

It is a solid gimmick and frankly I love it. The real beauty of the gimmick was that you could defeat the Undertaker in a match but not completely destroy him. He was always a threat and the favorite in any match he was booked. One of the reasons I didn't like the crappy booking he was subjected to in the mid-90s is because the gimmicks was just too good to let slow burn in matches against endless monsters with no direction or purpose in the federation. HHHoney placed these comments in that regard:

I agree with you Chris. Undertake did take a bad booking lineup for a while, but he stuck around, and is now one of the top wrestlers. No one could quite grab your attention the way that UT did. Just the entrance was enough to keep you watching. I know if they would have booked better he would have went straight to the top of the lineup, but you know, he could not be any bigger than he is today. love him or hate him, you are watching him. He just draws you in, and keeps you there. Well done Mr Remington.

The Bad Shot



Further evidence of the Terminator theory is "BikerTaker"! As tempting as it was to go this route because of the original movie and the sequels that followed, sometimes you can dip from the well too often leaving the well dry. The subtle features that the gimmick created and executed were just enough not to mess with the integrity of the gimmick. "BikerTaker" crossed a line that really shouldn't have ever been drawn in the first place to cross. The character in the gimmick, whether it is The Undertaker we know or we didn't know, isn't going to kick anymore or any fewer asses than he did as the original gimmick.

The other thing I didn't like about BikerTaker was that it gave the gimmick a soul. This gimmick doesn't need a soul to be successful. Now, if you would have had Undertaker inhale the souls that he had collected through the years and it would have caused a change in his character, I could have related to that (for awhile) but to have Undertaker turn into Jimmy "Boogie Woogie" Valiant was a bit more disturbing. The visual of him riding up to the ring on the motorcycle was neat the first few times and more visual of the television but it was NOTHING like the Dead Man Walking entrance that really connected in the house arenas. You wanted to go to the arena to see Undertaker and one of the things you wanted to present for was the entrance. BikerTaker made the gimmick more ordinary.

Execution Of The Mulligan


Let's restate the original question:

Gun, since the WWE is going kid friendly today, I was wondering who you would pick, out of today's stars, to get the Taker gimmick? (Pretending that Taker never happened.)

My knee jerk reaction would be to look to a big man for the role because that is what Vince chose for the role with the current character. Mark Callaway was an excellent choice at the time because even though he experienced main event success in Texas and exposure in WCW as a mid-carder, he wasn't widely recognized with any other character for a long period of time. The question is to allow me to disregard the current selection and act, as those events never happened. Here we go! The candidates!



This man could pull it off but he might have been a little too crazy for the part. I have to include him in the conversation because this character really needs a manager, it doesn't need a lot of dialogue, it needs convincing movements of doom and destruction in the ring; and it needs someone that is clearly intimidating. The man former known as UMAGA has all that in spades! The other thing he has in spades that kills thrill is his independence regarding his employers. He can be dirty and rotten in the ring but he has to be clean to survive the interim. Past experience tells me that he is too risky.



Always loved Joe's take no prisoners, no allegiances attitude. He might have the most killer stare of anyone in the venue at the moment. He is tough in the ring and could easily transition to indestructible with this gimmick. The problem for Joe is that he already has established a current demeanor and gimmick. It isn't consistent as I would want it to be but it is solid enough for a transition to be difficult to establish and take root. I wouldn't want to take Joe out of his current situation but if it would be 4 years early, I wouldn't hesitate to run with him as The Undertaker.

So since Joe and Umaga are out, who do I believe could run with the gimmick?



Look at the powerhouse we have in Rycklon Stephens, who is currently working under the Ezekiel Jackson character. Ever since he debuted in ECW, I thought that he is just wasted because he demeanor could and should be as the ultimate tough guy. When crafting this column and really thinking of who could fill the Undertaker gimmick bill, I can't ignore that he would be capable of pulling off the criteria of the gimmick quite easily. Plus he reminds me of the tough guy from Hot Shots Golf!



If the gimmick didn't exist and I was crafting it from today's talent, this would be my choice for the gimmick. He is still unknown to the masses and the mainstream outside of the dedicated fans. I think he would be pretty menacing in the role with the right mentoring and experience.

If you ever want to find "The Gun" outside of the confines of the cozy 411 caverns, you can look me up in a gaming league on POGO. Come and join us, look for the kingofrants and you might be talking to a legend in his own mind

I am also on daily on a sports radio program which you can find here. I may or may not be called "The Gov", you will have to decide.

Until Next Week, "I am your champion"

Chris "The Gun" Remington