The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 09.22.09

Posted by Jeff Small on 09.22.2009

New Malebag, New Segment, NuSmall – Join Me Inside!!!

I admit – picking the best name for the new malebag was a lot more difficult than expected. When I asked the Small-For-All Universe for name suggestions last week, I honestly thought that only a few of you would comment. As you could see, I was quite shocked when I had over 50 comments with the majority of them suggestions for the malebag. At the time of writing last week's news report, I was considering using Milli Vanilli as the new spokesmen for the malebag. After reading all of your comments, I knew I needed a better sponsor. And I think I have found it. Ladies and gentlemen, behold, the new malebag –

BUDDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Yes, everyone's favorite Scott Baio sidekick shall now be forever known for his endorsement of my malebag. Look, I know this won't sit well with some (especially those Tom Selleck fans), but Willie Aames is perfect for the malebag. Let's take a look at his accomplishments:

1) Saw Phoebe Cates naked many times while filming Paradise
2) Did not need a Willie Aames is 45 and Single television show
3) Was in Zapped!

Seriously, what else do you need? The fact that he got to costar with Phoebe FUCKING Cates in a Blue Lagoon rip-off is legend – Wait for it – dary in my books.

And yes, I will address the hate mail in the next malebag. But that's then. This is now.

Celebrity Sightings

While 411's not really a hotspot for celebrities (even though AJ Grey wishes it was), every once in a while, we get a visitor. A couple months ago it was Michael Foley. Last week, it was the one and only, Kanye West! Here's what he had to say – "Yo, Patrick Swayze, I know you just died and all, and I'm gonna let you finish... But Michael Jackson's death was the best one this year."

That's just heartless, Kanye. Must you go about interrupting everything? First, there was Taylor Swift at last week's VMAs. Then he went and said this. What's next? Will he interrupt Super Mario?



Oh shit. (A sidenote: Banjo-Tooie sucked.)

John Morrison's Push

In one of the few non-malebag comments last week, reader MDK questioned a John Morrison main event push. He wrote "I disagree that Morrison is ready for "the big push." He's close, yeah, but he could benefit from being king of the upper-mid card for a year or so before that big push. He's really just starting to find his babyface voice and he needs a good, solid IC reign before he should go to the top. I wouldn't worry, I think it's inevitable that he gets there. Has he ever even been injured? I don't think so. I think the internet tends to ask for people to be "pushed to the moon" too soon and definitely far too often. One of the reasons why WWE main eventers are such HUGE superstars is because it is damned near impossible to become one. The easier you make it to become one, there more there are. The more there are, the less special each one is."

My initial statement was in regards to moving Batista over to Smackdown to fill a babyface void left by Jeff Hardy. I stated that because Taker works a limited schedule (more on this later), Mysterio is suspended for a few more weeks, and that Morrison could have but did not receive a main event push, it made sense for Batista to work the blue brand. While I do not believe that Morrison is 100% ready for that push, it could have easily happened in August when he began pestering Teddy Long for a shot at CM Punk. At that time, the WWE could have pulled the trigger and we would be seeing its effects right now.

I do agree with MDK that Morrison's not at that main event level yet, but that doesn't mean the WWE needed to wait with him. He's over, has a good look, and can wrestle which makes it easy for the WWE to get behind him. At some point the trigger has to be pulled and while he could use some fine tuning (which a long IC reign will give him), the potential is definitely there.

I do also agree with the statement that the more main eventers around, the less special each one is. Then again, when you have 3 brands to fill, there has to be enough main eventers to go around.

Name Your PPV PPV

In regards to new PPV names, sdmcc asked "ya know what amazes me.. ya can have a WWE Sh!t .. and ppl will still buy it because of the WWE.. I wonder who'd sponser it.. or who'd play the theme song.."

Easy…



Angelina Love Pictures

In regards to the last two weeks of Love pictures, I received mixed feelings from it. On one hand, Guest#9081 was not a fan of her cornrow look. On the other hand, Butters4Prez stated "Wow, god damn what a hot picture. She must not be a turbo slut because there's no way a torn up cootch like most wrestling hookers have could be covered by that little material."

Nicely worded Butters, nicely worded. As for the cornrow look, it sure beats a bald head like Amber Rose's look. Oh shit, I feel a beef coming on.

Mysterio is not Booker T

There were a few comments in disagreement with my statement that Mysterio's suspension was similar to the last few weeks of Booker T's WWE career. Guest#5703 summed it up pretty well. Here's what he wrote:

THE mysterio situation is NOT similar to booker t's situation.

booker's contract was expiring when he got busted with a 60 day suspension in the signature pharmacy scandal.

booker wanted wwe to protect his black ass and wwe refused to do it so he refused to sign a new deal with wwe. wwe released him to make it look like they dumped him and he wound up in tna 2 weeks later.

mysterio has a 3 year deal signed with wwe. if he wants out, wwe has to agree to release him and they can do it on their terms so no tna, roh, etc for rey and maybe no mexico wrestling either since wwe does hold shows in mexico so that is competiton for them.

mysterio should shut the fuck up and take his 30 day suspension like A MAN.

Throw in the fact (as Guest#8922 pointed out) that Booker was pissed about the WWE choosing FCW over his developmental fed and it's definitely not similar to Mysterio's situation. Though I do believe that we won't be seeing Mysterio resigning another long term deal with the WWE one his current contract runs out.

Final Question?

From Ultra Gepetto, "where was Ninja Dog?"

Easy, he's right here:

Wait for it…

Wait for it…



WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Welcome back to the only news report that is 100% shaved, the Small-For-All News Report! In today's edition, we take a look at potential Punk bodyguards, the Undertaker's health, WWE Idol, M&Ms, new TNA talent, and a whole lot moar! Oh and there's a new Small-For-All segment too!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

WWE Idol

Easily the big story of the week is "Who Will Replace Lillian Garcia as the #1 Ring Announcer in the WWE?" Not only was Garcia the greatest and most accurate ring announcer the WWE has ever seen, she is also a very talented singer/songwriter. DID YOU KNOW: Her Spanish album !Quiero Vivir! (which means Awesome Shit) has sold more copies than the last Limp Bizkit album? I bet not. In addition, Lillian looked quite spectacular in a bikini.

As you can see, it will be extremely difficult to replace Lillian. While rumors are running rampant that Howard Finkel will take over for her announcing duties, clearly he cannot and will not be the permanent replacement. Why? Because he does not look good in a bikini. Duh.

Now I'm not the only one who knows this. According to my inside source, Vince McMahon is looking at the possibility of holding an Announcing Idol competition with the winner becoming the fulltime #1 Ring Announcer.

Obviously, this is a genius idea. Not only does it fill in the remainder of Raw's segments that are not used for either guest hosts or a combination of DX/Legacy/John Cena, but it also, brings another hot chick to the WWE Universe to become obsessed with. As much as we love Kelly Kelly, the WWE has not had the quintessential WWE Diva since Trish Stratus retired. Perhaps an Announcing Idol would do wonders for Monday Night Raw.

My suggestion for Lillian's replacement:



And why not? Olivia Munn is already worshiped by the target WWE audience (virgins), looks really fucking hot in a bikini, has swagger, AND is good with a sword. Plus she probably has no problem dating CM Punk. Speaking of Punk…

Potential Punk Bodyguards

From the main page, "- The creative team has been pushing to give CM Punk a bodyguard. Ezekiel Jackson had been rumored for the role, but the feeling is that working on ECW is the better place to develop him. Another option is Festus. The angle would be that Punk either got him off of his medication to make him normal, or that he is feeding him pills to control him."

Raise your hands if you are fully behind this angle. Okay, I can't be the only one. A bodyguard for the Punk would be a great way to continue his chickenshit heel character, especially if the WWE can tie it in with his straightedge gimmick. And honestly I'm shocked that they have actually found a way. By having Punk drug Festus to make him normal, it would be a great way for him to get cheap heel heat. Because let's face it, his straightedge character works against guys like Jeff Hardy but it really does not add anything to his feud with the undead. Speaking of the Undertaker…

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Lots have been said in regards to the Undertaker's health. From PWInsider, "In terms of his last hiatus from the ring, several sources are claiming that The Undertaker actually had hip replacement surgey after WrestleMania, not minor surgery which was originally reported. Regardless, there was concern at the time that the problem may stop him from competitive in the ring again.

Many wondered why his match at Breaking Point only ran around the nine minute mark, and it is because he has been complaining of suffering from pain lately and his visibly slowed down as a result.

Considering all of this, there has been talk that Taker may be looking at retirement after next year's WrestleMania."

If the Undertaker were to retire at the 26th Anniversary of WrestleMania, it would mark the end of a storied 20 year career. From the streak to having countless great matches the last few years, it would be the end of the dominant big man era in the WWE. Little do we know the ramifications of the Undertaker's potential retirement. Who would break up backstage Big Show fights? Would Michelle McCool's push continue? Will Kane ever get a win over his brother? What about Paul Bearer? The fact of the matter is the Undertaker's retirement is a huge deal to the WWE – more so than Ric Flair and even Stone Cold Steve Austin's.

Of course, the big question would be "Who would Taker fight in his last match?" I'd say if he wanted to go out on top, Chris Jericho would easily fit the bill. If Taker wanted to give the biggest rub of a lifetime, he could lose at WrestleMania to an up and comer such as Ted Dibiase (which would really bring Taker's career full circle). Or the WWE could follow my advice and have him lose to someone who is truly deserving of his rub – Triple H. I'm only half joking kids. If the WWE really wanted to draw huge buyrates at WrestleMania 26, a Triple H vs. the Undertaker match would be the way to go. Why? Because what other superstar would cast doubt on the Undertaker's undefeated streak? John Cena? Puh-lease, he's too much of a company man. Triple H, on the other hand, has enough clout to convince Vinnie Mac to put him over the Undertaker. Don't believe me? It almost happened at WrestleMania 17.

Gossip Folks

From the Torch, "Regarding John Morrison, he is well liked among his peers in the locker room and many feel it's only a matter of time before he becomes a top star. For the record, he is still dating Melina, who is not quite so popular in the locker room. While many feel she has improved her reputation from where it was during her previous stint on the SmackDown brand, multiple wrestlers still accuse her of being phony."

Can we all just get along? Of course, people like John Morrison – he's going to be a top star. If he was on the bottom of the food chain, most people wouldn't give a shit about him. Plus wait until he is a main eventer – then we will see people shit all over him and prey for his downfall. As for his on-again, off-again girlfriend Melina, it's a lot tougher for Divas backstage because they will never be a top star. Plus, she had real life beef with Mickie James, Queen Sharmell, and possibly even Taylor Swift.


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT – THE RETURN OF SCOTT SLIMMER's DON'T THINK TWICE

Damn you Jon for guessing correctly last week!

Ok, ok, you are probably wondering why Slimmer is allowed to write for the Small-For-All. But think about it. Here's a man who cannot be trusted with a full-time column (as evidenced here in the Spring with the Slimmer Watch) so in order for him to write his dream column, it has to be through me! Ha, you know I fucking love it. Anyway kids, enjoy the first of Slimmer's bi-weekly segment!

Don't Think Twice 09.22.09: Lost in Champaign

Or, what I did on my summer vacation.

I was having this discussion,
In a taxi heading downtown.
Rearranging my position,
On this friend of mine who had a little bit of a breakdown.
I said, hey you know,
Breakdowns come and breakdowns go.
So what are you going to do about it?
That's what I'd like to know.
– Gumboots by Paul Simon

Somewhere, deep down inside, down where it matters, down in the darkness where the only light is that of the undeniable truth, I believe that we each know who we really are. On some level, I think that we each realize our own strengths and weaknesses, that we each recognize the reasons behind both our successes and our failures, and that we each understand our true motivations and deepest priorities. Somewhere, deep down inside, I believe that we all know the truth about ourselves. Sometimes we admit it, and sometimes we deny it. Sometimes we accept it, and sometimes we refuse it. There are those who admit who they really are, who accept who they really are, who are at peace with themselves and who live their lives in harmony with themselves. But for the rest of us, for most of us, coming to terms with the truth about who we really are is a far more daunting challenge. We can, far too often and far too easily, hide the truth about ourselves from the rest of the world. We can play that role that our friends and our families want us to play, and sometimes we can play that role so well that we begin to believe it is the truth. But we can never completely hide the truth from ourselves.

Of course, that is not to say that we cannot change who we really are deep down inside. In fact, the very essence of the human spirit is the burning desire to grow, to change, to improve, to evolve, to become better than we are. But in order for that process to begin, in order for us to move forward, in order for us to take even that very first step, we must first admit the truth. We must first admit who we really are, right here, right now, at this very moment. Because we can never find the solution when we refuse to admit that there is a problem. And so today it's time for me to admit who I really am, not just to myself, but to all of you as well. Deep down inside, I am basically just one thing. I am a Heat Reporter.


Editor's Note: Dude, seriously this boring the shit out of me. And again with the Heat stuff.

When I say that I am basically just a Heat Reporter, I mean that in much more than just the literal sense. Yes, I watched WWE Heat on WWE.com and wrote a Heat Report here at 411 for two and a half years, and I like to think that I did the job well. But when I say that I am basically just a Heat Reporter, I mean that I approach virtually every aspect of my life in the same way that I approached writing a Heat Report. And that's not necessarily a good thing. Writing a Heat Report required time and dedication, but it required very little creativity or ingenuity or inspiration. There was a job that had to be done once a week, every week, and it was a job that changed remarkably little from week to week. That's the kind of job that comes naturally to me, the kind of job where I can just put my head down and chug along, the kind of job where repetition becomes something of a substitute for achievement. It was very much a quantity over quality kind of job. Sure, I strove for the highest degree of quality in every Heat Report that I wrote, but ultimately what really mattered was simply that the Reports got written, one after another, week after week. And so I suppose, more than anything else, what I liked about being a Heat Reporter was that it was safe and it was comfortable.

I'm not naturally a risk taker. I tend to gravitate toward safe and comfortable situations, shying away from virtually any opportunity to change my own personal status quo. Even when the grass does look greener on the other side, I almost always find a way to convince myself that the grass on my side is just fine. This isn't always a productive way to live, and it probably isn't even a healthy way to live, but it's the truth of how I live. This is the mindset that kept me in college for four years even though I came in with enough advanced placement credit to graduate in three. This is the mindset that kept me in graduate school for eight years even though I probably could have graduated after five or six. And it is this mindset, this almost pathologic refusal to take chances in life, that has cost me more relationships than I care to count at the moment.


Ed. Note – a little better but honestly this is getting into Jake Chambers territory.

And so, when Heat was cancelled last year, a large part of me wanted to play it safe and call it quits along with Heat. Because I don't take chances, and starting something new, creating something new, building something new, would bring with it the inevitable risk of failure. But for reasons that to this day I don't completely understand, I did take that one chance. For once, for once I embraced change. Last June I began writing Don't Think Twice, and over the course of the next nine months I wrote sixteen installments of that new experiment. I posted them weekly for a few months, and then bi-weekly for a few months, and then only monthly at the end. The demands of my research and the need to devote increasingly large amounts of time to my dissertation simply left less and less time for the column that I had come to love. But I did love that column. It was everything that my old Heat Report was not. Whereas the Heat Report had always seemed to come so naturally each week, Don't Think Twice never came easily for me. In fact, it was stressful and painful and wrought with agony, most likely the closest I'll ever actually come to giving birth. But whereas the Heat Report required only…

Ed. Note – Let's shorten this up a tad bit.

…a man that had been ridiculed by the media and abandoned by his fans, become more popular in death than he had ever been in life.

And so yes, the concept of heroes still fascinated me. My curiosity did not end with Don't Think Twice. But I had moved on, moved on without Don't Think Twice, and the thought of returning never really occurred to me. Because not only had I moved on, but so had 411. New writers had been hired, each of them remarkably creative and talented and dedicated. But more than that, 411 had changed with the times, had evolved to keep pace with the shifting tastes of the Internet, had taken chances and grown in the way that had always been so terrifying to me. This may be breaking several 411 taboos, but here's an excerpt from a recent post in the Super Secret 411 Staff Forum:

We need to get away from columns that have a lack of formatting or images. What I need you guys to do from now on is include some of the following in your columns.

* Add images to the column.
* Add video to the column.
* Break up the text with section headers (a long op-ed can be broken into 2-3 parts with headers for each part, rather than one long, unbroken column).
* Add more formatting and style, i.e., more bold, underline, colored font, larger font for headers / titles / subtitles, etc.
* Add a couple of smaller sections in addition to the main op-ed piece.

This is the blogger generation, and we have to keep up with the times. "Walls of text" for lack of a better word tend to get skipped by the readers these days…

That all made perfect sense. In fact, I applaud 411 for taking the necessary steps to remain competitive. But showy fonts and flashy graphics and embedded videos after ever other sentence really never fit with my vision of Don't Think Twice. I really was a "wall of text" sort of guy, and the winds of change at 411 only confirmed to me that Don't Think Twice's time had past. But then, a few weeks ago, I received a rather unexpected email with a rather unexpected offer… ( Ed. Note – let's keep this thing moving )

Admittedly, Jeff Small and I have had our differences in the past, but I respect his work and his contributions to 411. He writes what is consistently one of the ten best wrestling news reports on 411, the #1 News Report and I'm honored that he would share his report with me I can be his slave. And so this is the rebirth of Don't Think Twice. I'll be back in two weeks with a look at one of the less well known ways in which we immortalize the classic superstars of this industry and a countdown of the legends and icons that may never be included among their ranks.

Editor's Note – Dear Slimmer, in order for me to post your second column, I'm going to need a few changes. First, let's spice up your song choice in the beginning. Let's forget about those rejects like Paul Simon and Bob Dylan in favor of MGMT and Lady Gaga. Second, get me some pictures baby. I know you like your wall of text, but I don't and I'm the boss. Slimmer, think of me as your personality enhancer. Follow my lead and perhaps one day Larry will trust you with a column again.


NEWS FROM BRO-TOWN

The Times They Are A-Changing

In the last week, we have had a lot of changes to TNA both internally and externally. Backstage, D'lo Brown and Simon Diamond were brought in to replace both BG James and Jim Cornette as agents. While D'lo might see limited action in the ring, let's hope that Irish Pat Kenney stays away from the hexagon ring. Second, everyone's favorite backstage announcer, Jeremy Borash, was added to the creative team. Borash will now join Vince Russo, Matt Conway, and another new addition Ed Ferrara, best known for his stint as Cruiserweight Champion in WCW. You know as Oklahoma, the Jim Ross parody. Yes, Ferrara is back and we can only hope for one thing – the return of Creative Control!


What were you expecting another Angelina Love picture?

In addition to the backstage changes (which only goes to show how much more power Vince Russo yields now that Jeff Jarrett and Jim Cornette are gone), TNA has signed a new Knockout – Lacey Von Erich. Lacey is fresh off her Wrestlelicious stint (which will probably never be broadcast) and is rumored to be joining the Beautiful People due to the fact that both Madison and Velvet are not good wrestlers. Will Lacey be an upgrade? We shall find out soon, won't we?


COMING ATTRACTIONS

In the midst of Slimmer's return and finding a replacement for Swayze, I totally forgot to mention the Great Khali's impending surgery which will keep him out of action for a few months. Join me next week as we say goodbye to a loved one. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!